Black and White

[rmc20021]

Let me start by saying this is no means anything to upset anyone...maybe not the best choice of words I used there, but I just want some input and thoughts regarding my 4 yo dcb.

He just turned 4 in February. His mother is white, his dad is AA. I've never met dad and he seldom sees dcb either.

Dcb often mentions dad but only in the sense of what color he is. He always says, "my dad is black", or "do you know what color my dad is? He's black".

I'd then ask dcb out of curiousity what color everyone else in the room was and he's always refer to himself as being white. I never commented one way or the other about it...just observed his choices of words.

Today he came in and was telling another 4 yo dcg that he is white and black. I asked him who told him that because I have never said anything to him about it and he said his mom told him and the way he told me she said it was loudly and firmly.

I told him that was fine. Everybody is the same and that when summer gets here I will get darker also...but we are all the same on the inside and that's what matters.

He then told me he doesn't want to be black. I asked what color he wants to be and he said white.

I've always, always stressed to my dck's that color does not matter, but I don't know what else to say to dcb as it seems it's already in his head about color differences.

Suggestions? I don't want him to already at the age of 4 feel one color is better than another.

[bunnyslippers]

I wouldn't address it directly with this child. Try having books about different cultures/ethnicities available. Multicultural dolls, posters, etc.

[itlw8]

I would read some books about differences. I would also share my family came from all over the world and show him on the map. Sweden, England Ireland, Scotland ok yes I am clearly anglo saxon but then I would show him the other countries my son relatives are from Switzerland, trace amount of Native American ( Pawnee I think) Germany


Showing on the globe or map is great. then maybe all the other children can bring in the same information. We need to celebrate our heritage

[SilverSabre25]

That's a tough one. I actually have always avoided using black/white (not that it comes up much) but my daughter on her own announced one day that people are all different shades of brown--some are darker, some are lighter, but we're all brown. And for a VERY long time she would color people pictures with whatever brown was handiest...(we're very light-skinned, so that made for some raised eyebrows among her grandparents). Yep, even self-portraits would get pretty dark skinned sometimes!

The only time DD ever asked why someone had darker skin, I told her that skin is like hair, it comes in lots of different colors and shades. And nothing else was ever said by her on the subject.

Now, I have a pair of boys in care who have a white mother and African father and they are, of course, just a medium sort of brown. And it does get discussed, but they refer to themselves as brown, daddy is dark brown and we are light brown. once or twice I've heard the oldest mention that mommy isn't brown.

So, maybe you could do something like that? Reframe the terminology to be less...stark, I suppose.

[Childminder]

I have and often have had multi-racial children in care and the subject has never come up. I did have some families from Zimbabwe and skin color didn't come up but cultural differences often did. Like why didn't I serve certain foods or carry the babies on me all the time. Very educational for all of us and gave many opportunities for diversity.

Did have a couple Puerto Rican children over the years and one did bring up that he wouldn't play with a boy whose skin was black. Kinda like the pot calling the kettle so to speak. They became besties after time passed btw.

[AmyLeigh]

I could be way off base here, but could dcb be wanting to be white come from the fact that he is primarily with mom? He may be beginning to be more self aware and realize that his skin color is different from hers. It may not be that he thinks one color is better, but that he wants to look more like mom, especially if he doesn't get to see dad very often.

[MrsSteinel'sHouse]

Maybe do a "me" type of theme. Point out some charactaristics of the kids that are like their parents.. eyes, nose etc other than skin color. If you could say wow your nose reminds me of your mom's, that might make him feel good. I would use multicultural construction paper or crayons... look at all the different shades and match to all the kids.. show him that they are all browns no one is white like a piece of paper! You can make the cute little mirrors with aluminum foil, trace around them. Have the parents put a paint handprint on paper when they drop off. Let them dry and have the kids place their handprint on top later in the day. (I just thought of that) my 16 yr old still holds his hand up to mine to measure!

[daycarediva]

I could be way off base here, but could dcb be wanting to be white come from the fact that he is primarily with mom? He may be beginning to be more self aware and realize that his skin color is different from hers. It may not be that he thinks one color is better, but that he wants to look more like mom, especially if he doesn't get to see dad very often.

This is what I was going to say. If he doesn't see his AA father/family he may just want to look more like the family he does see, kwim?

I had a dcb who was 1/4 aa and 3/4 white. He was paler than my ds and had blue eyes, but he had a full head of AA hair. His father disappeared (literally, just went MIA so he didn't have to pay child support) when he was 4, and his fathers family saw him less and less until eventually not at all. By age 5 he was INSISTING his mother shave his head so he didn't look black. He would tell me he didn't want to be black at all, and he hated his black family. He aged out (couldn't stay as a SA since he was out of district) but his Mom and I became friends and keep in touch. He is in therapy for his abandonment issues, and his therapist says his self loathing of his heritage is from his anger towards his father/fathers family.

I would tell him things I LIKED about him. "I love your brown eyes, oh look Jane has pretty brown eyes too!" and try to make him feel good about himself/focus on the positives.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

My youngest child will be biracial ... white/black (both of my kids are a product of the same marriage, one was simply adopted).

When raising a biracial child in the past, we talked about brown. Everyone is BROWN. I am LIGHT brown (white), he was medium brown (biracial), his Dad was DARK brown (black), etc. I had many friends with biracial children who always wanted to be "white" like their Moms. I never ran into this issue since I worded it as we are all brown.

I currently have two biracial children in my care and one black child. The rest are white. When playing with the baby dolls (asian, hispanic, black, white) we talk about the shades of brown. When they talk about themselves, they describe themselves as light brown, medium brown, or dark brown. They also described my soon to be ex husband as dark brown. Never an issue.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

That's a tough one. I actually have always avoided using black/white (not that it comes up much) but my daughter on her own announced one day that people are all different shades of brown--some are darker, some are lighter, but we're all brown. And for a VERY long time she would color people pictures with whatever brown was handiest...(we're very light-skinned, so that made for some raised eyebrows among her grandparents). Yep, even self-portraits would get pretty dark skinned sometimes!

The only time DD ever asked why someone had darker skin, I told her that skin is like hair, it comes in lots of different colors and shades. And nothing else was ever said by her on the subject.

Now, I have a pair of boys in care who have a white mother and African father and they are, of course, just a medium sort of brown. And it does get discussed, but they refer to themselves as brown, daddy is dark brown and we are light brown. once or twice I've heard the oldest mention that mommy isn't brown.

So, maybe you could do something like that? Reframe the terminology to be less...stark, I suppose.

I should have read all the posts before commenting. Once again, I just love you. happyface We would get along great in real life. So similar.

[Starburst]

Maybe like the others said instead of distinct colors you can focus on shades. My family is predominantly Mediterranean (Italian/Sicilian) so we can get a bit pale in the winter months or when we are not outside as much but we also tend to get very dark when we are outside more. I try to avoid calling myself white so I refer to myself as having "olive completion", I used to live in an area that was predominantly Hispanic and other kids always asked me if I was 1/2 Latina because when I was out in the sun for a long period of time I would get darker and rarely burn but I would still get freckles.

Maybe you can use different shades or foods to describe the color so it doesn't sound as harsh and so it seems more positive (or poetic) like: Vanilla/Icy/Alabaster/Ivory/fair (very pale), Peach/Apricot/bamboo/Beige (a very light brown), Honey/Olive/Amber (medium brown/tan), Orange/sunset/twilight/dusk (fake tan/oompa-loompa), Strawberry/Auburn/Scarlet/Bronze (Russet/ reddish {NA/PI}), Cocoa/chocolate/onyx/ebony/golden (dark brown) and you can say that people are the food groups (or the rainbow), everyone is good in their own way (scent/outside; taste/inside) and there are a variety of flavors and shades because everyone has their own unique flavor (now commonly referred to as "taste" or "swagger"). If you did do that just make sure they understand by "flavor" you mean "style and personality"- you don't want kids going around licking each other .

ETA: You can also use tones of colors instead of direct colors to describe their completion type like cool for lighter colors, neutral for in between, and warm for darker colors. Sometimes its also referred to like seasons for what type of color clothing/make up complement your skin: Winter (light) Autumn/spring (neutral), and summer (warm)

[preschoolteacher]

Everybody is the same and that when summer gets here I will get darker also...

I would be careful about this. Children can see clearly that everybody does NOT look the same. If you are white and are referring to the fact that you're going to get tan this summer, that is not the same as being African American or having darker skin. Children will get this. Ignoring differences and being "color blind" doesn't teach children to be proud of their cultural and racial differences. If adults are pretending they don't exist, then those differences must be bad or shameful.

How about something like this:

"We all have different shades. Some people have light brown skin, like Joe. Some people have dark brown skin like Jamie's daddy. Some people, like me, have skin that looks peach or pink. All of the colors of skin are good colors."

Here's a really good book about ski colors and uses real photos of kids, which I love.

http://www.amazon.com/Shades-People-Shelley-Rotner/dp/0823423050

[Brooksie]

That's really tough. I haven't had this kind of problem but it seems like around here its so common that it isn't a concern to any one any more. My sisters boys are mixed and their father is very much apart of their life (him and sister have been together 10 years now) so they don't even bat an eye about it. I don't even think they have talked about it because its just accepted. My daughter also doesn't seem to have a problem with it (although she does tend to point to other little boys that are mixed or black and call them her cousins names). I would definitely recommend introducing more multi cultural stories and dolls into every day play. Don't make a big fuss about it. I would also recommend putting up pictures or posters of other cultures. All the signs for my centers are multi racial and I think we have more mixed baby dolls than we have white. I'm sure he is just noticing that he is different and at that age its very hard, especially if he doesn't see or experience many other kids like himself. It's also possible that he hears negative things about his father and then associates those things with being black. Just try to reassure him that differences are normal. "Johnny has red curly hair, Amanda has blue eyes, I have freckles. Every one is different and that's what makes us all special". Good luck.

[Heidi]

I would like to add to the other ideas that he may not be thinking of black and white in racial terms, but could be thinking of it very literally.

If he is lighter skinned, to him "black" may mean that he will TURN black, or blackER, KWIM?

[AmyKidsCo]

I wouldn't focus on the black/white thing but broaden it to encompass ALL kinds of differences. Some people like broccoli, some people like carrots. Some people have two parents, some people just have a mom. Some people have blue eyes, some people have brown. Etc. When you focus on all the different ways people are different and the same, the color thing loses importance and becomes just one more characteristic, instead of the most important one.