Parents Making Excuses For Behaviors

[Unregistered]

I am so tired of hearing 'he must be tired', 'he must be hungry' blah, blah, blah.

I have a kid here who is so clearly on the Autism spectrum. He doesn't talk, he has huge tantrums, sensory issues, play by himself, lines up toys, can't handle a change in routine etc, etc.

The parents are having him evaluated, but nothing has come of it yet.The days when he has his big freaking tantrums they always have some excuse. I am so tired of hearing 'he didn't sleep well last night', I can hardly stand it. I so badly want to say 'do something about his sleep, hunger etc. because I can barely stand to deal with it anymore'. If the kids needs help, they need to get him help NOW! I am sick of the other kids having to deal with it and I am tired of it too.

If he is not sleeping....parents, DO SOMETHING about it. Call his doctor or something people!!!!
Because I can't keep dealing with it!

**thanks for listening***

[Heidi]

:hug::hug:

remember, it's not kiddo's fault...

Draw the line in the sand "get him help or find other daycare".
That's all I've got....

[Bookworm]

I'm so glad that I have broken my parents of this chain of thought.

[daycarediva]

I am so tired of hearing 'he must be tired', 'he must be hungry' blah, blah, blah.

I have a kid here who is so clearly on the Autism spectrum. He doesn't talk, he has huge tantrums, sensory issues, play by himself, lines up toys, can't handle a change in routine etc, etc.

The parents are having him evaluated, but nothing has come of it yet.The days when he has his big freaking tantrums they always have some excuse. I am so tired of hearing 'he didn't sleep well last night', I can hardly stand it. I so badly want to say 'do something about his sleep, hunger etc. because I can barely stand to deal with it anymore'. If the kids needs help, they need to get him help NOW! I am sick of the other kids having to deal with it and I am tired of it too.

If he is not sleeping....parents, DO SOMETHING about it. Call his doctor or something people!!!!
Because I can't keep dealing with it!

**thanks for listening***

STOP DEALING WITH IT.

First of all, term this family. You obviously have lost your patience with this SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD.

Two, educate yourself about autism. MANY people on the spectrum have difficulty sleeping (my ds will sometimes not sleep for 1-2 days, or only in 30 minute increments), not eating can be a frustration and/or sensory issue as well (it took us 6 YEARS to learn what ds's sensory issues were so that he would eat well enough to not feel hungry).

It ISN'T necessarily the parents fault!

Also, coming from a child with autism, we understand how difficult they can be. Mom probably has ZERO idea how to help you help him, or even help him herself at this point. What is she SUPPOSED TO SAY when you say he is tantruming? Her 'he is tired/hungry' is probably true, probably not an excuse either, as she is also at a loss in how to deal with it.

Really, term. IMMEDIATELY.

[daycarediva]

Sorry, but this post got me pretty heated.

It took us 6 months to get in for an EVAL.

It took us another 3 months to narrow down an approved therapy routine.

It took another 3 months on a waiting list to get him into special needs preschool.

I can call my doctor today, but there isn't much he can say/do for me. They won't medicate him for sleeping, there is NOTHING you can do about sensory issues other than therapy (which we have been doing for 9 years).

I am SO thankful my provider was wonderful with ds. She created a set of toys for ds only, a space that he could go that he felt safe in, changed her rules to allow me to bring him meals that he would eat, and was so understanding and forgiving of his tantrums, his stimming, his scripting (I overhead her once scripting back and forth with him, she memorized his favorite 'script' just so that she could interact and connect with him. She stood by us and used my PECS chart to help potty train him, even though it took over a year, and she allowed therapists into her home and even arranged her schedule around his therapy when one therapist wasn't very flexible. She was an amazing provider who I still attribute so much of his early successes to.

You are NOT that person for this family/this kid, let them go so that they can find one who IS.

[e.j.]

I am so tired of hearing 'he must be tired', 'he must be hungry' blah, blah, blah.

I have a kid here who is so clearly on the Autism spectrum. He doesn't talk, he has huge tantrums, sensory issues, play by himself, lines up toys, can't handle a change in routine etc, etc.

The parents are having him evaluated, but nothing has come of it yet.The days when he has his big freaking tantrums they always have some excuse. I am so tired of hearing 'he didn't sleep well last night', I can hardly stand it. I so badly want to say 'do something about his sleep, hunger etc. because I can barely stand to deal with it anymore'. If the kids needs help, they need to get him help NOW! I am sick of the other kids having to deal with it and I am tired of it too.

If he is not sleeping....parents, DO SOMETHING about it. Call his doctor or something people!!!!
Because I can't keep dealing with it!

**thanks for listening***

As a parent of a grown child with Asperger's, I know how frustrating it can be to deal with the tantrums, lack of sleep, etc. If your dcb is causing you to feel this much upset, though, you need to talk to the parents about finding someone else to care for their child. Seriously.:hug:

You say the parents are having their child evaluated. This can be a fairly time-consuming process. Maybe times have changed since my son was first evaluated but I remember having to wait 6 months just to get in to have him evaluated. Once the testing was completed, it took another 3 or 4 weeks to get the results. That's just to get the diagnosis. After getting the diagnosis, we then had to find professionals who could actually work with my son to provide the help he/we needed in terms of therapy. It took 3 tries before we found someone who actually knew enough about AS to be helpful. During all of this time, there was nobody who wanted to "do something" more than I did. I just couldn't find the appropriate help as quickly as I needed it.

As far as the lack of sleep is concerned, it may not be an "excuse" so much as an explanation. Kids with autism often do have sleep issues. My son went to bed easily but couldn't sleep. His anxiety issues kept him up and needing to talk for hours on end. If I had been able to get him to sleep earlier, I would gladly have done that because I was working full time and was exhausted from lack of sleep myself.

I hope I'm not coming across as unsympathetic; I just want you to understand that it can take time and the parents may be feeling as frustrated as you are right now. I have no idea what they've done or not done to get help for their child but....if this family is causing you the kind of stress you (and the other dc kids) seem to be experiencing, it just isn't worth trying to hold on to them.

[lolaland]

Sorry, but this post got me pretty heated.

It took us 6 months to get in for an EVAL.

It took us another 3 months to narrow down an approved therapy routine.

It took another 3 months on a waiting list to get him into special needs preschool.

I can call my doctor today, but there isn't much he can say/do for me. They won't medicate him for sleeping, there is NOTHING you can do about sensory issues other than therapy (which we have been doing for 9 years).

I am SO thankful my provider was wonderful with ds. She created a set of toys for ds only, a space that he could go that he felt safe in, changed her rules to allow me to bring him meals that he would eat, and was so understanding and forgiving of his tantrums, his stimming, his scripting (I overhead her once scripting back and forth with him, she memorized his favorite 'script' just so that she could interact and connect with him. She stood by us and used my PECS chart to help potty train him, even though it took over a year, and she allowed therapists into her home and even arranged her schedule around his therapy when one therapist wasn't very flexible. She was an amazing provider who I still attribute so much of his early successes to.

You are NOT that person for this family/this kid, let them go so that they can find one who IS.

I had to deal with this as a parent and yes... It is a very slow process and not much can be done but to wait and wait and wait again...

[sharlan]

Not every provider is right for every child. Not every child fits into a provider's program. It might be in your best interest and that of the child's to let this family go.

As the grandparent of a child with Asperger's, it's tough to care for them. They are very exhausting on the best of days. You get so tired of hearing the negative everyday that you will come up with any excuse possible. You live with the negative 24/7, you don't need to be reminded of their melt-downs/behaviors. My grandson is 5 1/2 and has yet to be "officially" diagnosed.

The signs were there from the time he was tiny - lack of eye contact, lack of fine and gross motor skills, didn't walk until 16 mos, repetitive play, could correctly identify every ocean creature (every type of shark, whale, dolphin, jellyfish, etc.) by correct name at 2, but couldn't put two words together, sensory issues (especially food and clothing), lack of understanding personal space (he understands his personal space and doesn't want anyone entering it, but doesn't understand other's), etc.

My dd and I spoke to his peds over the years. Their response was always the same - that's out of our realm, contact your local school. My dd contacted the country services repeatedly, week after week, for 6 mos before being told he didn't qualify for services. They never even examined him. Finally our local school district agreed to test. Their diagnosis, "child lives in a child centered home and is not required to meet his potential."

He is currently working with a PT and OT at his school. They are in the process of officially testing and having him diagnosed. His teachers and principal have worked really hard with him this year. He has a very stong support system between his English teacher (who's Chinese), his Mandarin teacher, principal, therapists, and his parents. He has made tremendous progress, but still has a ways to go. He is in a dual immersion class, speaking English 3 hours a day and Mandarin the other 3. He reads Mandarin better than he does English. (We are not Chinese, so he has no other exposure other than school.)

[momofboys]

I had to term a family.with issues like this child's but they were in denial & would not get him evaluated - planned to wait until they moved & it was so frustrating b/c in my eyes the child was almost 4 & could have received help months or years prior.if the parents had just done something. I would term if I were you. And don't feel guilty.

[Unregistered]

okay....I have a child of my own with Autism,I have lived this. So those of you that think I am cold and heartless, I am not. I know how hard it is to get services and these are truly wonderful parents. What I don't get is that is we can't even have a dialogue about the truth about this kid's behaviors, how the heck am I supposed to help him? So he is tired, what am I supposed to do when he is tossing furniture around my house.

We need to identify the behaviors, try to find out what is contributing to that behavior and come up with a plan that we can all stick to. I am so up for that. But to simply say 'he's tired' every time there is a major meltdown is not going to help this child. He is the innocent victim here.

I am talking major meltdowns here. Hitting, kicking, punching and throwing big objects around. He also picks on anyone smaller than he is when he is angry. He can also be quite endearing and has a sweet, engaging side to him. But when he doesn't get his way, watch out.

I am committed to helping this kid, but to be told he is tired all the time is getting old. They need to pursue his sleep issues, and his feeding issues not just hope they will go away.

[sharlan]

I don't think you are cold and heartless.

I understand how frustrating it is for a provider when behaviors are not dealt with. I've BTDT. I also understand how frustrating it is when the parents just keep excusing the behavior. I also understand how frustrating it is for the parents to keep hearing all the negativity when they don't have the perfect child.

It sounds like the parents are trying to have him evaluated, but the wheels turn so slowly. My dd has been trying for 3 1/2 yrs.

[Play Care]

okay....I have a child of my own with Autism,I have lived this. So those of you that think I am cold and heartless, I am not. I know how hard it is to get services and these are truly wonderful parents. What I don't get is that is we can't even have a dialogue about the truth about this kid's behaviors, how the heck am I supposed to help him? So he is tired, what am I supposed to do when he is tossing furniture around my house.

We need to identify the behaviors, try to find out what is contributing to that behavior and come up with a plan that we can all stick to. I am so up for that. But to simply say 'he's tired' every time there is a major meltdown is not going to help this child. He is the innocent victim here.

I am talking major meltdowns here. Hitting, kicking, punching and throwing big objects around. He also picks on anyone smaller than he is when he is angry. He can also be quite endearing and has a sweet, engaging side to him. But when he doesn't get his way, watch out.

I am committed to helping this kid, but to be told he is tired all the time is getting old. They need to pursue his sleep issues, and his feeding issues not just hope they will go away.

:hug:
I didn't think you sounded heartless, this is a very senstive topic for many people. Personally the behaviors you have described would have had me terming a long time ago. I do understand the wheels turn slowly, but I can not accomodate that type of behavior (regardless of the reason) nor should the other children in my care should have to. He is still months away from an eval, and then there will be months of adjustment afterwards. I would feel for the parents, but I don't see it as my personal responsiblity to save the world - sometimes being committed to a child is knowing that they would be better off somewhere else.

[butterfly]

:hug:
Most of my thoughts have been mentioned already. As a parent of a child on the spectrum, I know the struggles you and the parents are facing. The "help" this child needs is not a quick process and even when the child starts receiving help, it's not going to turn this kid around immediately. This is a life long diagnosis (if on the spectrum).

I remember making excuses for my son too. I wanted so badly for him to be "normal". I hated hearing he had kicked another child in the face and broke her nose... how do I deal with that as a parent? It's heartbreaking!!

I too, think you should term and let them find someone else who may be more suited to care for him.

As for sleeping, a weighted blanket and melatonin helped for my son. He would go long stretches with no sleep or getting up in the middle of the night to do random things.

It's all a process with no quick answers. :hug:

[e.j.]

I don't think you're cold and heartless - just feeling incredibly stressed. If you can't sit down with these parents and talk about his behaviors and come to some agreement on how to handle them as a team, I still feel you need to think about terming. Communication is crucial with any child care family and even more so with the family of a special needs child. If you aren't able to sit and have an honest discussion with these parents about their child's behavior, you're only going to become more and more frustrated as time goes on. That's not fair to you, the other kids in your care and the boy who has autism. lovethis

[Unregistered]

Here's the deal; he was evaluated by a separate Child Development Center, and they said not Autism. I have spent 18 years dealing with it; I am pretty sure he is Aspergers (which they don't clinically calll Aspergers anymore). Then the school district got involved; to evaluate him for speech services and they said he qualifies for both speech and Autism. I don't think they can 'diagnose' Autism, but he has characteristics that make them think he would benefit from their program.
It seems like ever since the parents heard 'not autism', they don't want to talk about the behaviors that might lead down that path. It is not important for me to have a label for him; but I need some idea of how they think his behaviors will be handled most effectively.

I am frustrated because while we are waiting for speech services; his aggressive behaviors are getting more difficult to handle. I really enjoy this child, he brings me joy every day. His parents are really nice but I think they don't want to hear about anything that might make him appear 'in the spectrum'. I totally get this from an emotional level; but the reality is that the behaviors are not all being addressed. If he runs upstairs and hits someone when he is first dropped off, I get 'he might be hungry'.

I am just frustrated; I am human.