8 Mo. Old SCREAMS When Put Down

[frgsonmysox]

Probably a conversation to have over the phone before the interview? That's a pretty major expectation to have. I'm worn out mentally and physically by the end of the day not wearing babies all day. I had 3 infants at the same time. I will have two newborns at the end of this year.

If anyone came to an interview without informing me of this expectation up front and then trying to convince me in an interview to perform my job lugging their child around all day on top of it I would beyond furious at them wasting my time and not questioning this in the phone call.

You look for care that suits your wants and needs and then interview that person. Not randomly pick someone and expect them to perform a new task that they are not willing to perform. That is rude in my opinion and they would be subject to "the crazy eye" if they showed up to my interview trying to talk me into it.

To each their own. If that is what you choose then I respect you for it but it's completely ridiculous to expect all care givers to make those concessions in their own business just to appease a parent.

I feel that if a parent comes to you and explains how they do things at home, and its not something you are willing to do then you should be the one to tell the parents your center isn't right for them. I tell all my interviewing families that I may not be the right fit for them, and if I'm not it won't hurt my feelings. They need to find someone that is right for them, and if thats not me thats okay. I'm not going to be what everyone is looking for. So I DO NOT think a provider should EVER tell a mother to stop being AP because it doesn't work for them. At that point you should reevaluate if this is the right family for YOU

[Brooksie]

sorry..froggysox and crunchy mama;

put him down put him down put him down! Talk to him while he's there, sit next to him, rub his back or his belly, but don't pick him up for screaming. You can touch him without carrying him. When you do pick him up, to feed him, diaper him, etc, TALK to him. "It's time to go change your diaper, so I am going to pick you up...up?" See if he'll raise his arms.

When you have to get up...tell him "I am going to change x's diaper )or make lunch, or go potty). When I am done, I will come back". Don't try to distract him, or fool him. He's not fooled.... The idea is to be respectful and reassuring, but don't deny him what he's feeling. Eventually, he will understand that you are nearby, that you love him, and that he CAN soothe himself. Support his independence with love and reassurance. Also remember that his receptive language is way ahead of his expressive language, and getting better each day. If you say the same things each time, he will get it, believe me.

How on earth do you get him to nap? Let me guess...he doesn't nap well. Which would make him crankier and needier.

I do agree that babies need touch, but not every second. I don't think wearing them like a "sack of potatoes" is a bonding experience. Personally, if that were God's intention, I think he would have equipped us with pouches!:: I am NOT trying to be disrespectful of Froggy or other AP parents. I'm sharing my opinion only.

I think you need to give him the message, gently and kindly, that he is capable and strong. You can be kind and loving and still get that across to him.

It usually takes me about 2 weeks of this "tough love" to get them there, and it pretty much only works if you have them full-time.

I agree with you here. I do wear my younger infants (I have 4 mo old as well) but this kid SQUIRMS and he's a porker. Hes basically the size of my 2 year old daughter. He would probably break through the baby bjorn. There is no way I can wear him and function around the house. I also don't believe in letting kids scream it out because quite frankly they aren't developmentally ready for that sort of self soothing. But at this age and with the demands of meeting other kids needs, he does need to be independent at some points of the day. He's also that kid that sees another kid climb into my lap and story time and then freaks out and struggles to get up there too (I try to make sure each kid gets that opportunity by them selves and not always have 3 kids in my lap at once). So this happened earlier and he FREAKED OUT. Tears, screaming, bright red.. I just sat there and reassured him and my DCD went and got him his water and binky and I kept talking to him about it and eventually (2 min later) he found something and was fine. I think this thread is kind of going away from my question so Heidi I appreciate the helpful input

[Brooksie]

And to all the people who have the energy and muscle to wear all your infants and still care for everyone equally, MORE POWER TO YOU!happyface It's just really not feasible for everything we do here.

[Blackcat31]

If you don't want to be an APer, thats up to you, but I find it really rude to tell a parent to not be one to make your life easier. You are additional care, they are primary care. The way they want to raise their child should not be based on what makes your life easier. If anyone ever told me to NOT be an AP mom because of THEIR job that they are paid to do, I would be furious.

But that's the thing....I do NOT believe I am being paid to apply AP principles to any of the children in my care simply because a parent asks or wants me to.

I am open to all sorts of parenting styles and approaches but ONLY if they mesh well with what I have going on here. (In other words, if it makes MY life more difficult, I would not do it.)

If a child comes to me and the parent wants me to apply AP methods and I don't feel I can do that, then THEY need to figure out what their next step would be because I would be furious if a parent TOLD me I was being paid to do things their way.

Parents are free to parent in any manner they want but it becomes a slippery slope when a parent tries to push those beliefs/styles/methods off onto someone else and then expects compliancy.

Sorry, frgsonmysox...I went back and re-read all the posts/replies and see you said exactly what I just said in a response to chatterbox.

[Willow]

If you don't want to be an APer, thats up to you, but I find it really rude to tell a parent to not be one to make your life easier. You are additional care, they are primary care. The way they want to raise their child should not be based on what makes your life easier. If anyone ever told me to NOT be an AP mom because of THEIR job that they are paid to do, I would be furious.

I have NO idea what you're talking about with any of that.

Seriously. Where on earth did I ever say or imply that parents should NOT to practice AP to make MY life easier?

And was it really necessary to point out that I'm additional care while a parent is primary care? Where did that even come from?

I was/am an AP fanatic with my own children. I completely altered my entire life to stay home with them from day one, wore them, nursed them, co-slept, never let them CIO etc. etc. etc.


To review the major principals of AP-

Breastfeeding on demand for an extended period of time - NOT something a provider can physically do - and typically not something the mom of a daycare child can manage if she's working anywhere by in the daycare herself

Babywearing - probably the easiest of all the principals *but* one that still can't be carried out on demand as it can be dangerous and/or unsanitary in certain daycare situations (while cooking or preparing meals and snacks, while assisting another child going to the bathroom, changing other children's diapers, while cleaning, while managing blood or other bodily fluids from illness or injury etc. etc. etc.)

Co-sleeping - not allowable in any capacity or by licensing standards in any state that I'm aware of

Being responsive to baby's cries - when a provider has even a small handful of other children in their care sometimes that baby's cries are going to go unanswered for time. Not because the provider is mean or lazy, but because they don't have 6 arms or a clone of themselves. The baby isn't the only one with needs that have to be met.


I'd venture to say that any parent that expects AP in the same ways they could provide it at home has extremely overblown expectations and any provider that touts their ability to provide it at that same level is being unrealistic at best.

It simply can't be done and there is nothing wrong with asking parents to prepare a infant/child for those differences. Doing anything less would definitely make life infinitely harder for the child and I'm sure that's no one's goal.

[Willow]

I wouldn't tell a parent what they need to do to make my job easier, but it sure is going to make it easier on their child. To me when they make the decision to place a child in group care, they need to understand that more times than not (I understand that some of you practice AP with your DC kids - but most of us won't) it isn't going to be the same as one on one care. If at home a child is being attachment parented and then they go to daycare and expect the same treatment - that is going to be a really rough transition for the child.

And, IMHO, if the transition is too difficult, and the child is not adjusting - then I would need to term.

So, I have told parents that it would be wise to prep their child to be I daycare, otherwise the transition can be very hard for them at first.

This exactly!!!

[Brooksie]

I might add that this is his 2nd full week and there is still an adjustment happening for everyone.

[Leanna]

Babies are like gardens...
Gardens need lots of love and hands-on attention up front: getting the soil ready, composting, planting the seeds, weeding, watering, checking for pests, weeding, pruning, etc. THEN after all of that and a lot of time you get to harvest something yummy. It is the same with babies! Taking the time when they are infants and wearing them, holding them, rocking them to sleep, and being super-responsive to their cries makes them more independent later on. I hold all my babies constantly! I use a sling or carrier whenever I need my hands and arms and my older kiddos get the same amount of TLC whether I have a baby strapped to me or not. All of the DC babies I have had turn into delightful, independent, secure toddlers and preschoolers and I know it is because I put the work in up front. I am a firm believer in this because I see it happen right before my eyes. Is it hard sometimes? Yes! BUT IT IS SO WORTH IT!!!

[bluemoose_mom]

I'm sorry but I never wore my daughter, and didn't hold her ALL THE TIME, and she's grown into a rather independent, confident child. Nor was I SUPER responsive to her cries, whether in her crib or playing/crawling around (yes, she never slept with me). In fact, I let her CIO a little (after 12 months), and again, she is independent.

Not saying I'm completely anti-attachment parenting. I did rock/nurse her to sleep for most her babyhood. I just don't think it's the end all/only way to produce a happy, independent child.

I personally don't follow one type of parenting style. I pick and choose what I think is the best for my child, and my family, regardless of what method it comes from.

[Willow]

Babies are like gardens...
Gardens need lots of love and hands-on attention up front: getting the soil ready, composting, planting the seeds, weeding, watering, checking for pests, weeding, pruning, etc. THEN after all of that and a lot of time you get to harvest something yummy. It is the same with babies! Taking the time when they are infants and wearing them, holding them, rocking them to sleep, and being super-responsive to their cries makes them more independent later on. I hold all my babies constantly! I use a sling or carrier whenever I need my hands and arms and my older kiddos get the same amount of TLC whether I have a baby strapped to me or not. All of the DC babies I have had turn into delightful, independent, secure toddlers and preschoolers and I know it is because I put the work in up front. I am a firm believer in this because I see it happen right before my eyes. Is it hard sometimes? Yes! BUT IT IS SO WORTH IT!!!

Sincere questions.....what do you do if you have two infants? Do you wear them both? What about when you're cooking at the stove or using the oven to prepare meals? Or while using knives to cut up portions? Do they stay on you while you're changing diapers on other children? Or if another skins a knee and needs blood washed up? What if a child vomits during care? Do you tend to that ill child and clean up after them while having an infant directly on your person?

I'm all about baby wearing but I just don't see how any of the above is possible and/or safe.

I'd wonder if it's even acceptable according to licensing regs. I can't imagine being elbows deep in another child's blown out diaper with an infant or two strapped to my chest.....or while reaching into the oven to pull out a pan.......

[apick]

So I see and can relate to all sides of this. I'm a new daycare provider and have a 7 month old son. Obviously he is very used to being held all the time since I've been with him 24/7 since he was born. I definitely found it difficult to juggle meeting his needs and other children's when I got my first kid. It's been a few weeks now, and sometimes it's still hard, but he's adjusting to not having my attention 100% of the time. I do still hold him a lot, but I don't wear him just cause he's big and I prefer to set him down and play on the floor with him. The kids I watch still get plenty of attention from me, but they're older and also understand the baby comes first. I would do this if it was another baby and not my own as well. The younger a child is the quicker their needs must be met because they don't understand "just a second" like a toddler does. I rock my son to sleep and he's a fairly good sleeper for his age, usually down and out within 5-10 min. I don't believe it CIO either, it can be damaging to babies, especially if he's a new DCK and still getting to know you. You need to solidify that bond with him so he knows he's safe in your care and that you will respond to him if he needs you. I think in a few more weeks he will be adjusted and not need you as much. My son has his days, but most of the time he will play very happily independently. It's great if the other kids will play with him too, take advantage of his easily distracted age !

[Leanna]

I'm sorry but I never wore my daughter, and didn't hold her ALL THE TIME, and she's grown into a rather independent, confident child. Nor was I SUPER responsive to her cries, whether in her crib or playing/crawling around (yes, she never slept with me). In fact, I let her CIO a little (after 12 months), and again, she is independent.

Not saying I'm completely anti-attachment parenting. I did rock/nurse her to sleep for most her babyhood. I just don't think it's the end all/only way to produce a happy, independent child.

I personally don't follow one type of parenting style. I pick and choose what I think is the best for my child, and my family, regardless of what method it comes from.

Just as an FYI, I didn't mean to imply in my post that "my" way was the only way to raise an independent & confident child....just that from experience I know this works and I would recommend it to everyone.

[Play Care]

sorry..froggysox and crunchy mama;

put him down put him down put him down! Talk to him while he's there, sit next to him, rub his back or his belly, but don't pick him up for screaming. You can touch him without carrying him. When you do pick him up, to feed him, diaper him, etc, TALK to him. "It's time to go change your diaper, so I am going to pick you up...up?" See if he'll raise his arms.

When you have to get up...tell him "I am going to change x's diaper )or make lunch, or go potty). When I am done, I will come back". Don't try to distract him, or fool him. He's not fooled.... The idea is to be respectful and reassuring, but don't deny him what he's feeling. Eventually, he will understand that you are nearby, that you love him, and that he CAN soothe himself. Support his independence with love and reassurance. Also remember that his receptive language is way ahead of his expressive language, and getting better each day. If you say the same things each time, he will get it, believe me.

How on earth do you get him to nap? Let me guess...he doesn't nap well. Which would make him crankier and needier.

I do agree that babies need touch, but not every second. I don't think wearing them like a "sack of potatoes" is a bonding experience. Personally, if that were God's intention, I think he would have equipped us with pouches!:: I am NOT trying to be disrespectful of Froggy or other AP parents. I'm sharing my opinion only.

I think you need to give him the message, gently and kindly, that he is capable and strong. You can be kind and loving and still get that across to him.

It usually takes me about 2 weeks of this "tough love" to get them there, and it pretty much only works if you have them full-time.

This is pretty much how I do it - especially with "older" infants. I DO wear younger ones, but by 8 months I physically can't do it anymore.
I also want to be clear that NO child in my care is EVER ignored. I go out of my way to make sure EVERYONE'S needs are met. If I can't be holding a child, I am verbally reassuring them that I will be back when I can be.

Personally I think ALL children should spend their first year of life HOME with mom or dad. I don't think infants should be in a child care situation AT ALL.

[frgsonmysox]

Just a quick tip - bjorns and snugglies should NEVER be used. They are really bad on baby's hip and spine, and awful for your back. If you like that carrier type, try an Ergo. I'm disabled and would not be able to ever wear a snuglie or bjorn (nor would I ever want to), but I can wear my 28 lb child in my Ergo without any issue. I still wear my 13 month old and occasionally my nearly 3 year old.