So How Does One Say I Am Not Getting In The Middle And Really Don't?

[My3cents]

Just spent this morning reading over the whole restraint order. This is completely messed up. Honestly a lot of the info is even inaccurate. Either way, these girls are the ones getting caught in the middle and I just feel bad for them. Dad needs to stop taking moms bait or he will lose everything. She is out to win no matter who she hurts in the process.

What makes all this more interesting is that my family and theirs are sort of on a personal 'friendly' level because her school age daughter and my youngest are best friends. I have decided to block all facebook and text info from now on. She is using everything possible against him and I want OUT. And I think I need to stop playdates over there too with the girls. She will have to come here. I hate to do it but I think we need to start drawing a line. My family is more important here.

You guys have no idea how messed up this all is. *sigh*

I am really irritated that it is always, always after hours. She is already my late pick up (and no good reason). Then every time something happens I get stuck with these kids. Not 5 min. But sometimes hours! She finds out her husband is maybe cheating....two hours late. They get into a fight......an hour late. She had to call the police again.....another hour late. The car about just got my goat. Truly I could call DYFS on her for abandonment at times! they are not abandoning the kids they are just using them as pawns. Sad. Your best to pull the plug of this drama and take a break until they sort it all out- I would stop the mom from telling me every little detail of this. There isn't a daycare around who would sit and wait while she handled her personal affairs (literately) while the kids sat there for hours.apply late fees and you will see a big change. A friend would ask you if you could help them out not just expect it and not be upset if you said no.

I am thinking of advertising to fill spots. I am kinda over it.

I responded above in red

[NeedaVaca]

Why are you allowing this to happen? Why are you not charging a late fee???????

I charge $1.00/minute per child if you are late. I WILL charge you if you are even 1 minute late. I can guarantee that if you begin charging her and NOT accepting the children back into care until that late fee is paid that she'll start magically being on time.

This! You are letting her completely walk all over you...there is NO way someone would leave my house without their kids, if that parent took one step out of my door without the intention of taking her kids I would speak up then and there.

[cheerfuldom]

honestly this whole deal is giving me a headache, I didnt even read the whole thread. I would give them one last chance using the recommendations by Marina and BC, then I would term. There is no way I am going to go thru the drama with a DC family and courts and family services and cops! not no way, not know how! I feel awful for the little girls but I absolutely would not be working late hours and dealing with all this for a daycare family.

[mrsnj]

Ok I revised Blackcats letter some.......and combined Marinas too.....

Dear Parents,

Currently you are in the process of redefining your family and are struggling with court orders, custody issues, and feelings of estrangement. It is imperative I remind both of you that I must remain a neutral third party. As your child's advocate, their needs are my sole priority. Please keep in mind, this doesn't mean that I am unaware or unaffected by the turmoil you face; I am sorry for your pain and I do mourn the loss of your child's family as they have known it. Still, I can't let any feelings I have for you to interfere with my role in providing your child a safe, neutral environment where they can express their own feelings of sadness or fear. In consideration of this, here is a list of some of the things you need to remember ….

1. My home is a safe haven for them; please refrain from expressing your sadness or frustration about your child's other parent (and perhaps their new significant other) within their presence. Your child is extremely perceptive and already knows how you feel; my home is one place they should be able to escape this tension.

2. Please provide me with any copies of legal documents I need regarding the custody or care arrangements for your child. Keep in mind that in the absence of any court documents, I cannot legally keep a child from his or her parent, and will not agree to any such arrangement.

3. Develop a well thought out plan for pick-up and drop-off. And please do NOT make my driveway a place of confrontation.

5. Do NOT put me in the middle of any issues you have regarding child support payment or the payment for my services. Work out a plan for who is responsible to pay for your child's care and do so promptly and courteously.

6. Do not request that I do anything for you other than the normal array of service you have received in the past.

7. I do not participate in supervised visitation.

Over all, I need to remind you that I need to remain neutral in this issue and that you really should not tell me any details especially now that there is an ongoing case which includes or might include DYFS. DYFS may question those involved in your children’s lives and I may be forced to answer many questions about what I have heard or seen from the children and from each of you. Please don't tell me anything else about your case.

In the end, your childrens safety and care is most important to me. They are like family. I want them to know they are free here to express themselves and know they are safe to do so. I will not repeat information, I will not give my opinion and prefer to remain out of all issues other than the childrens utmost care.

Here they are free to play and laugh and talk and love just ….be children.

I also included an addition (since I can't speak with the father and he knows what was said and not said):

Note:

CC made to each parent and one saved in childrens information. Fathers was mailed to address stated on restraint dated 3/13/13.

Information was also given to (Mom) in regard to late pick up on 3-13-13 for an hour and half late pick up due to issues involving the restraint dated 3-13-13

Further contact/questions/etc for both parties should be done through (my email address) in regard to legal issues related to this case so that time and date is documented unless otherwise noted through a court. Please note that I will NOT give information from one parent to another. I will NOT give information to extended family, emergency pick up, etc. Any information obtained is for my soul purpose and that of the care of the children.

Sound ok??

[Angelsj]

You are missing #4, and any place you write "your children's" it should have the apostrophe. Otherwise, I think it sounds pretty good.

[NeedaVaca]

I think it sounds good, I'm thinking you should also add something about late pickups though-the late pickups are unacceptable and this would be a good time to remind them of your rules regarding that and for you to start enforcing them!

[Blackcat31]

Blackcat31 - In your letter you state that "If the court feels they need my opinion, they will provide me with a list of written questions I will answer to the best of my ability." Can you request that? I mean is that an option you can say you will only do? What if they call or want to come to you or ask you to go in and talk to them in other words? What if a clients lawyer contacts you and asks you to speak on the clients behalf?

In my personal experience I have been involved in court cases for custody twice. Once the judge called me directly and I "testified" over the phone. The second time, the courts sent a Guardian Ad Litem (someone working on the child's behalf NOT the parents) to come to me and talk with me privately. His documentation of our conversation was then submitted to the courts.

I think the ONLY thing you really can get involved with is anything that DIRECTLY effects your care of the children.

You can't say the mom or the dad are or aren't good parents as you don't KNOW that. You only know what you have witnessed yourself. Anything mom or dad tells you is simply their version and there are always three sides to everything....his side, her side and the truth.

I would try to stay as neutral as possible and tell BOTH parents that you don't want to discuss anything unless it has something to do with the care you provide.

These kinds of situations never turn out well so you are best to stay out of it the best you can. Good luck as this kind of stuff...well, it ****s and no matter what the parents do, the kids are always the ones who take the hit.

[momofboys]

I think it sounds good, I'm thinking you should also add something about late pickups though-the late pickups are unacceptable and this would be a good time to remind them of your rules regarding that and for you to start enforcing them!

[mrsnj]

Thanks guys. Lol on missing number 4. I didn't even pick up on that. Mom came and seemed shocked I would charge her for the hour n half pick up lateness and then gloated when she heard her husband would be getting notice on the fee too. Man there is an evil side to that woman. Then she started filling me in on latest happenings and I pointed out clause about no details. Lol. I had to mail dads since I am not seeing him. So far drop off and pick ups have been peaceful. Mom is still dropping off late but has showed up early or on time for pick up and no details. It has been peaceful! So far.....no dyfs contact yet. The trial is either tomorrow or thur. I am expecting her to come and fill me in again. No matter what I say I don't think she can stop herself. Sad thing is the oldest child was talking with me about all this and mom has completely lied. I hope it comes out. It's just wrong. But at least right now........it is quiet. Thanks for your help. And thanks black cat for answering my questions

[MarinaVanessa]

I'm glad you see improvements with DCM. Looks like she finally got the picture with you at least. Hopefully things will continue like this until ... forever ::. If she tries to tell you all about the court hearing and the details of it all just stop her and remind her that you need to stay neutral and that you don't need to know anything about it ... put your hand up and smile "Susan, I know your case is over now but I still need to remain neutral. I don't need to know the details of any of this. All I need is a copy of the custody order so that I can keep it in DCK's file. Other than than everything else is irrelevant, you understand . So, I know you probably have a ton of things to get to today so I'll let you go. See you tomorrow!!"

Can I suggest just one other little thing? Since DCM and DCD are getting a divorce have you given each their own contract yet based on the days that the court allots them? If they don't have a custody order yet or you just haven't made them sign their own contract I would do this as soon as you are able to. Make it so that whoever is picking up is responsible for late pick-up fees and whoever drops off is responsible for early drop-off fees etc. This way they can't go back and forth about who's fault it is on what days etc.

And also, don't tell DCM about what is going on between DC business and DCD, as in don't give her any information unless it directly relates to the child. Don't tell her about what notices or reminders you'll give DCD, when or how much he pays etc. Think of them as 2 separate clients, you wouldn't give another family information about this family so don't give out unnecessary information to the other parent. They don't need to know what time the other parent picks up or drops off, what rules they follow or break etc. otherwise you'll just find yourself in the middle again and it really just isn't good business practice. Trust me, I've been there and used BC's letter also. I'm much happier now that I don't tell them anything other than what kind of day their child had.

[renodeb]

Have you ever thought of just telling them that you dont want to be apart of this situation anymore and drop them as clients? Because all I can say is wow!
Deb

[mrsnj]

Heaven. I'm in heaven.....:: mom has be really good. Shocker!!!!! Not so much in dropping off. But not filling me in on every detail. The court postponed to this week. Dad is bringing a lawyer. But he has temp visits this week. Grandmom is picking up today and tomorrow. See how that goes. It has been so peaceful. I could kiss u guys . Mom hasn't been too bad at pick up either since I charged her for that night. She wont last long. I know. But right now so far so good. The only issue I am having is beyond work. I don't want my daughter over there for play dates. If she feels the need for a restraint I don't want my daughter there. I tried making excuses. They aren't working and the girls end up crying. I don't know what else to do without being honest about it.

[mrsnj]

(Double posted )