Forcing dcb to Sit on Potty?

[ninosqueridos]

I once had a DCB from the age of 6 months to 20 months. The DCM was verbally abusive to me and I finally gave her 2 weeks notice to which she cussed at me for (right in front of her child, my child, and 2 DC kids!). I almost got a restaining order against her. We ended up in court because she refused to pay (because I refused to be her doormat anymore) and during mediation, she brought up the fact that her son was not potty trained and that it was all my fault. DCB had significant developmental delays: did not talk, did not cry (even if he fell and bumped his head really hard), did not show ANY sign that he even knew that his diaper was full, etc. He came from a home when dad had been an abusive alcoholic (per DCM and the copy of the restraining order she supplied me), who was only in his life sporadically and when it was convenient for dad. I tried to set DCB on the potty from time to time, but it was OBVIOUS he didn't have a clue what that contraption was for or why I was making him sit there for 2-3 minutes. And since DCM only told me that they were getting ready to start training, but never said anything more over the next 3 months, I dropped the training, thinking DCM must have figured out DCB wasn't ready. Oh, and when she mentioned that they were going to "start" training, she apologized that they were starting so late. He was 18 months old! How is that late? But some parents think that if their child hits a milestone earlier than other children, then it's proof of the child's genius. These types of pushy parents just don't get it that WHEN a child hits each milestone is completely irrelevant to how he or she will succeed in school, college, or adult life. And there's evidence that toilet training too early can actually DELAY training because it gives the potty a negative experience such as feeling like your being punished.

I'm worried about my DD because even though she communicates in many different ways, her speech is a little delayed (probably due to ear infections). She holds her nose when she has pooped. But she doesn't TELL me BEFORE she does anything. I would have LOVED to have her trained before the twins get here, but now I'm just giving up and waiting until after they get here because kids tend to regress in toilet training when there's a big change in their lives. And we are in the process of moving and will be having 2 new babies in approximately 3-4 months. But I am positive that it will not affect her ability to be an honor roll student in the future or get into a great college. I'm a reality parent, not a "blinded-by-my-own-ego" parent. Sorry for the new parent title, but I do think that toilet training before the CHILD is ready, is more about the parents' egos than what's best for the child, IMHO.

Exactly, thank you!

Yikes, what a nightmare situation with that dcm...and poor little one. I do think in my situation that the dcp's are talking a lot to their friends...and want THEIR ds to be the genius. I love those dcp's - I just wish they wouldn't force the potty issue.

Good luck the rest of your pg! Yeah I'd say twin siblings would be considered a big change in your dd's life.

[QualiTcare]

i worked in a 2 year old room at a center where they took the kids to the potty every hour on the hour. it worked. all of the kids that went to the 3 year old room FROM the 2 year old room were potty trained.

my son was in the 2 year old room at that center when i left to work in the school age room at the same center. he was wearing underwear all day except for naptime (he'd have a pull up). when i moved across town, i took him to a different daycare that was closer to my new home. the dc provider in his new center asked me to bring DIAPERS and i told her i hadn't bought diapers in months and he'd been doing fine at the other center and at home with going every hour. she asked how many kids they had there - and it was the same at both centers (14 two year olds and 2 adults). i refused to put him back in diapers and moved him back to the center where they pottied every hour and he did just fine - and was fully trained by the time he went to the three year old room.

taking a group of two year olds to the potty every hour is WORK and i know it's work because i did it. i also know that it's effective. just like some people say parents don't want to do the work (which can be true) there are also providers who don't want to do it either.

[nannyde]

i worked in a 2 year old room at a center where they took the kids to the potty every hour on the hour. it worked. all of the kids that went to the 3 year old room FROM the 2 year old room were potty trained.

my son was in the 2 year old room at that center when i left to work in the school age room at the same center. he was wearing underwear all day except for naptime (he'd have a pull up). when i moved across town, i took him to a different daycare that was closer to my new home. the dc provider in his new center asked me to bring DIAPERS and i told her i hadn't bought diapers in months and he'd been doing fine at the other center and at home with going every hour. she asked how many kids they had there - and it was the same at both centers (14 two year olds and 2 adults). i refused to put him back in diapers and moved him back to the center where they pottied every hour and he did just fine - and was fully trained by the time he went to the three year old room.

taking a group of two year olds to the potty every hour is WORK and i know it's work because i did it. i also know that it's effective. just like some people say parents don't want to do the work (which can be true) there are also providers who don't want to do it either.

The going every hour on the hour would work if you had a group of only age mates and it was an activity. It's not so HARD to do. In fact, I would say that it was well received by the staff because it was SOMETHING to do that was pretty easy especially if they got the pleasure of having them do it for ten minutes at a pop. It was most likely one of the easiest things they had to do all day. It would keep the kids confined at the end of the day for 80-100 minutes depending on how many hours the kid was there.

When you are doing that with 14 kids especially ones in underwear and pull ups... you can make it last a good long time. Way easier than having them up running around and trying to do some kind of "school" with them at that young age.

Depending on how many potty's you had you could really buy yourself a lot of "sit in line" and wait for your turn time.

It's just not the same when you have multi level age group kids and one adult and one bathroom to contend with. You can't pull an adult away from the kids for dedicated one to one care and supervision 40-50 minutes a day doing five minute potty attempts when there is no one to watch the other kids and you don't have the age groups to require them to sit or stand and wait right by where you are.

[QualiTcare]

well, i don't know what kind of ages she has, but she didn't seem to have a hard time with taking him - it's him that has stopped wanting to go.


but actually, it was NOT one of the easiest things to do. it would've been MUCH easier to just change all their diapers and not have to deal with peeing on the toilet, around the toilet, and playing in the sink. not to mention - not wearing diapers means cleaning up a lot of accidents. i asked the lead teacher who started the hourly ritual WHY she did it cus half the parents didn't care. they'd bring their kids in the morning with a diaper and want one on them when they took them home. i couldn't figure out why she did all the work and cared so much when the parents didn't even care. i would've if the parents were doing it at home, but that's it. she was better than me though.

anyway, to the OP - you said his parents coax him at home so i assume you don't. i don't normally think kids should be rewarded for doing what they're supposed to, but when potty training - candy works!! you said he stays dry, but he won't tell you when he needs to go. i bet if you start giving him candy after he goes that he'll start telling you he has to go pretty soon. of course, you only give it to him when he GOES - not just tries.

[nannyde]

well, i don't know what kind of ages she has, but she didn't seem to have a hard time with taking him - it's him that has stopped wanting to go.


but actually, it was NOT one of the easiest things to do. it would've been MUCH easier to just change all their diapers and not have to deal with peeing on the toilet, around the toilet, and playing in the sink. not to mention - not wearing diapers means cleaning up a lot of accidents. i asked the lead teacher who started the hourly ritual WHY she did it cus half the parents didn't care. they'd bring their kids in the morning with a diaper and want one on them when they took them home. i couldn't figure out why she did all the work and cared so much when the parents didn't even care. i would've if the parents were doing it at home, but that's it. she was better than me though.

anyway, to the OP - you said his parents coax him at home so i assume you don't. i don't normally think kids should be rewarded for doing what they're supposed to, but when potty training - candy works!! you said he stays dry, but he won't tell you when he needs to go. i bet if you start giving him candy after he goes that he'll start telling you he has to go pretty soon. of course, you only give it to him when he GOES - not just tries.

I believe in bribery too.

What we do is once the child is successful they wash their hands and then go to the candy jar. They get to pass out an m&m to every kid in the house that can have candy. One by one they give a treat to the other kids and then they get to have one themselves.

Each kid that receives the m&m says "good job Johnny" when they get their treat. So the kid gets the pleasure of passing something out and hearing their mates tell them GOOD JOB.

The older trained girls keep asking me when we are going to train the little boys They love it when anyone is being potty trained. ::

[ninosqueridos]

taking a group of two year olds to the potty every hour is WORK and i know it's work because i did it. i also know that it's effective. just like some people say parents don't want to do the work (which can be true) there are also providers who don't want to do it either.

I haven't minded taking him every hour as I have for the past 5 months...I really haven't had to coax him until the past month or so that I've started to push him more...and then recently I've had to scoop him up and take him there against his wishes. THAT is not good for him or the younger kids who will also start to think it's a "bad" place to go.

I do think it would be much easier (for the dcb) if ALL of the kids were the same age.....that way they could all be schlepped to the potty and it could become a ritual and "fun" for all.....but this is my little group and I do not have help:
3yo ds
30mo dcb
24mo dcg
18mo dcb (usually screams/cries when I leave the room for a potty trip)
18mo ds (sometimes screams/cries when I leave the room for a potty trip)
6mo dcb

I really haven't considered bribery....hmmmm......how would that work if not every family will allow it for their own child/children?

[ninosqueridos]

I believe in bribery too.

What we do is once the child is successful they wash their hands and then go to the candy jar. They get to pass out an m&m to every kid in the house that can have candy. One by one they give a treat to the other kids and then they get to have one themselves.

Each kid that receives the m&m says "good job Johnny" when they get their treat. So the kid gets the pleasure of passing something out and hearing their mates tell them GOOD JOB.

The older trained girls keep asking me when we are going to train the little boys They love it when anyone is being potty trained. ::

Interesting..........and funny how the older girls can't wait for the others to be trained...

[QualiTcare]

honestly, i wouldn't ask permission to give out a couple of skittles or a gummy worm.

what they don't know won't hurt

[Janet]

Potty training

I'm all for potty training kids in the way that they are trained at home as long as it's something that I can do with other kids in care. I had one parent who was sitting her son on the potty like every 10 minutes. That I cannot go along with because that requires me to drop what I'm doing every 10 minutes and make him sit on the potty. Not going to happen here. I also refuse to force a child to sit on the potty because I think that can really throw a monkey wrench into the process because when children are forced to sit on the potty, they become more resistant. As far as bribery goes, I'm cool with it I just use a different method. I have a potty chart for the kid who is getting potty trained and if they pee or poop in the potty (not in their pull-up!) then they get a sticker. Once the chart is filled (it takes 25 stickers to fill it) then I get them a toy or a book or something like that. I ask them what they want and they tell me what it is and once the chart is filled, they get the prize (within reason when it comes to the price. I don't go above $10. I don't do the candy stuff but that's just because I've found that the sticker chart and big prize work better for me.

Many times the child is being trained differently at home but the parents tell us that they are doing it the same way at home as I do here. Thats not always the case. Some parents will say that their child is "potty trained" at home and I know good and well that that is not the case. When a child doesn't even know how to pull their pants down or how to get up on the potty, then that tells me that the child is NOT trained. Also, a child is not potty trained in my opinion if they can't tell me that they need to go potty and can't pull their pants down on their own.

I never, ever force potty training on a child, even if the parents want me to. It's just not my style and I know that if I force a child to sit on the potty, then I'm just setting the child further back. It shouldn't be traumatizing to be potty trained, and I think that making a child sit on the toilet could be pretty stressful for everyone involved.

Kids are very good at giving signs for when they are ready to be potty trained. It's up to us to look for the signs and to know the difference between a child showing real signs of potty training readiness and a child showing signs of being intriqued by the toilet, but not being ready to train.

[misol]

I'm all for potty training kids in the way that they are trained at home as long as it's something that I can do with other kids in care. I had one parent who was sitting her son on the potty like every 10 minutes. That I cannot go along with because that requires me to drop what I'm doing every 10 minutes and make him sit on the potty. Not going to happen here. I also refuse to force a child to sit on the potty because I think that can really throw a monkey wrench into the process because when children are forced to sit on the potty, they become more resistant. As far as bribery goes, I'm cool with it I just use a different method. I have a potty chart for the kid who is getting potty trained and if they pee or poop in the potty (not in their pull-up!) then they get a sticker. Once the chart is filled (it takes 25 stickers to fill it) then I get them a toy or a book or something like that. I ask them what they want and they tell me what it is and once the chart is filled, they get the prize (within reason when it comes to the price. I don't go above $10. I don't do the candy stuff but that's just because I've found that the sticker chart and big prize work better for me.

Many times the child is being trained differently at home but the parents tell us that they are doing it the same way at home as I do here. Thats not always the case. Some parents will say that their child is "potty trained" at home and I know good and well that that is not the case. When a child doesn't even know how to pull their pants down or how to get up on the potty, then that tells me that the child is NOT trained. Also, a child is not potty trained in my opinion if they can't tell me that they need to go potty and can't pull their pants down on their own.

I never, ever force potty training on a child, even if the parents want me to. It's just not my style and I know that if I force a child to sit on the potty, then I'm just setting the child further back. It shouldn't be traumatizing to be potty trained, and I think that making a child sit on the toilet could be pretty stressful for everyone involved.

Kids are very good at giving signs for when they are ready to be potty trained. It's up to us to look for the signs and to know the difference between a child showing real signs of potty training readiness and a child showing signs of being intriqued by the toilet, but not being ready to train.

I am totally with you on this Janet. The only thing I do different is no prize after a certain amount. I have a gazillion assorted stickers and the "prize" is that they get to pick the sticker of their choice to go on their potty chart.

[jen]

I don't do potty training unless the child is READY...and a child who is ready will be trained in just a few weeks. I also make sure that parents do most of the hard work...

They must go potty before coming to daycare...if they are "too crabby" or Mom and Dad "don't have time" in the morning then I don't even bother. I also suggest that they potty train by simply taking away the diapers for the entire weekend. If that goes well, than I will do the same here.

Really, if they are ready you don't need to spend weeks going through accident after accident, nor will you need to force a child on to the toilet.

[Crystal]

I have never had to force a child to sit on the potty. If they are needing to be forced, they are not ready and it will only hinder their progress.

I can tell when a child is really ready. They tell me EVERY time they need their diaper changed, they begin telling me they went BEFORE they went, then they make the connection.

When I train, I almost have always done it and been successful before the parent has even begun. More often than not, I just do it and then tell the parents. I don't want to tell a parent the child is ready, then have them EXPECT it to be done.

Generally, when I train (and I just did this two weeks ago) the child is potty accident free from day one. If they are really ready, there is no reason for accidents. My most recent success has been in underwear for two weeks without one single accident, here or at home. Including poop!

My method....underwear from the beginning. ASK the child every 30 minutes if they need to go, INSIST the child try to go every hour. I NEVER use pull-ups....they are just more expensive and more messy diapers I'd rather the child have an accident and feel it than use their pull-up as a diaper.

I'd tell the parents we will try again in a few months.....or "we can start now and be done in 6 months OR we can start in 3-6 months and be done in a day"

[QualiTcare]

I have never had to force a child to sit on the potty. If they are needing to be forced, they are not ready and it will only hinder their progress.

I can tell when a child is really ready. They tell me EVERY time they need their diaper changed, they begin telling me they went BEFORE they went, then they make the connection.

When I train, I almost have always done it and been successful before the parent has even begun. More often than not, I just do it and then tell the parents. I don't want to tell a parent the child is ready, then have them EXPECT it to be done.

Generally, when I train (and I just did this two weeks ago) the child is potty accident free from day one. If they are really ready, there is no reason for accidents. My most recent success has been in underwear for two weeks without one single accident, here or at home. Including poop!

My method....underwear from the beginning. ASK the child every 30 minutes if they need to go, INSIST the child try to go every hour. I NEVER use pull-ups....they are just more expensive and more messy diapers I'd rather the child have an accident and feel it than use their pull-up as a diaper.

I'd tell the parents we will try again in a few months.....or "we can start now and be done in 6 months OR we can start in 3-6 months and be done in a day"

i agree with you on the pull up thing - i hate them! they're no different from a diaper except more expensive and messy just like you said. i put my kids to bed in underwear and would wake up and wake them up to go use the potty once during the night. they still would have accidents, but they would feel it and wake up instead of sleeping right through it like they would've with a pull up. i washed bedding EVERY darn day - it was WORK. it was for me anyway cus i was working full time and then having to wash bedding at night along with everthing else there is to do. it would've been MUCH easier to change a pull up in the a.m. that's the main problem with a lot of kids getting potty trained- it's too much work if you want them trained by the time they're 3.

[ninosqueridos]

Some parents will say that their child is "potty trained" at home and I know good and well that that is not the case. When a child doesn't even know how to pull their pants down or how to get up on the potty, then that tells me that the child is NOT trained. Also, a child is not potty trained in my opinion if they can't tell me that they need to go potty and can't pull their pants down on their own.

Yes! I need him to tell me!!

[ninosqueridos]

I don't do potty training unless the child is READY...and a child who is ready will be trained in just a few weeks. I also make sure that parents do most of the hard work...

They must go potty before coming to daycare...if they are "too crabby" or Mom and Dad "don't have time" in the morning then I don't even bother. I also suggest that they potty train by simply taking away the diapers for the entire weekend. If that goes well, than I will do the same here.

Really, if they are ready you don't need to spend weeks going through accident after accident, nor will you need to force a child on to the toilet.

The more I read replies, the more I see he is just not ready.