DH Does Not Respect Daycare

[DaisyMamma]

That just made me sad to read, but it DID make me see how strong of a woman you are.

[Nellie]

[QUOTE=brookeroo;277750]Yes, but I fully let him know it. He knows he is also. I tell him probably weekly that we are all just living in "his world" and it all revolves around him. He doesn't deny it. I think both of our sense of humors are what gets us through it....although I do have my doubts some days. We are both financially stable. Obviously I struggle a little more. He makes probably 2.5 times what I make if not more. I just wish he was more supportive in so many ways. I honestly don't know how to change it though. He is a great father aside.

He always tells me it will be different eventually but I have to get to a point where we can sell my first home so I wont have that hanging over our heads and I have to get my car and student debt paid off...which really will not be too long from now. I don't really understand what that has to do with him helping out with finances though. I think deep down, he won't admit it, but he saw what happened to his friend and also something happened with a family member of his and he has this irrational fear and inability to trust. I've never given him any reason not to.

This house is in his name. He has financial goals and is extremely conservative about spending for the house or anyone else...
Now himself... that's a different story. He puts into savings every paycheck but also gives himself a splurge budget and doesn't change it based on needs. He goes out to lunch every single day. Won't take one I pack. Won't come home and eat.

We have a nice house now. Bought it almost 3 years ago. We have done A LOT to it. It's been a process but it really needs new windows. They are very drafty. Some of them don't have storm windows or screens at all. One has a screen cut completely out. I just had a good company offer to put in some high quality windows for wholesale and no labor because of our curb appeal if we put a sign in the yard for 90 days. They are only offering this shot for 2 weeks or they will locate another house.

Our entire 2 story house would cost us approx $2000 with this company as opposed to the $5000+ (or $2500 if we do it ourselves) it would cost us without this deal (which we are going to HAVE to do in the near future and he doesn't want to pull the trigger right now because he's too close to hitting his savings goal that he made before he does anything to the house. It literally will cost us more money to do it ourselves than if we have this company do it for us with higher quality windows. That is the way he does everything. He will pay 3 times more later for something he can afford right now. I think it's more about control.

You would choke if I told you what his savings balance goal is... He can definitely afford it. He says that we have other things higher on the priority list which we do. We need our chimney repaired which (I) got estimates on because he asked me to. He blew up at me and said he can't afford it right now. Definitely not true but I can't argue with him because he doesn't show me his savings statements which i can find in his separate unlocked filing cabinet anytime I want. LOL

I told him the other day that he could make 10 billion dollars a year and he would still make me pay half of everything. He just smiled and chuckled...

Honestly, this is the worst part of our marriage. Not that it's not a big deal but like I said, we are both financially stable. I have a really high credit score and a small savings as well as investments. Any time we talk about money it is a thorn. More or less it's really about support. He is supporting 1 person, while I am supporting 3.5, plus a business, and a rental property (which for the most part pays for itself most of the time)... on less than half the income.

I did just have to "borrow" money from him to replace the AC/Furnace & Water Heater in August at the rental property because my tenant gave notice to move in somewhere else with his girlfriend. So I had to give the tenant back his deposit and cover the mortgage with no rent coming in at the same time. My husband told me I have to pay him back in full. Actually made me sign a contract (which also included that I have to be nice to him, clean his bathroom (I don't use the Master because he makes it gross), and cook every night) LOL. He doesn't feel like financial support is his job for some reason....even though we have two kids. I don't know why. He definitely wasn't raised like that.

I could tell him what the court would think about that but I'm not going there because that is a slippery slope to get on. All aside, we are a pretty tight family. And he is an amazing father otherwise.[/QUO

At first I didn't know if the earnings were equal between you and your husband. If one of you were to leave would you be entitled to the house at all? It differs from state to state, but if he is paying on a house Only in his name and that is the ONLY BILL he pays..........I get very nervous for women that are in financial situations like this. You seem very strong and you are able to take care of yourself, but it scares me. I'd start getting firm about him supporting the kids at least. I don't know if you did daycare when your kids were younger, but did he pay you at least 1/2 of what it would cost them to go to daycare. I guess if this doesn't bother you and other aspects of your marriage are fine, who am I to say anything. I hope I'm not out of line.

[MyAngels]

I think it's more about control.

I believe you've hit the nail on the head with this statement.

[brookeroo]

At first I didn't know if the earnings were equal between you and your husband. If one of you were to leave would you be entitled to the house at all? It differs from state to state, but if he is paying on a house Only in his name and that is the ONLY BILL he pays..........I get very nervous for women that are in financial situations like this. You seem very strong and you are able to take care of yourself, but it scares me. I'd start getting firm about him supporting the kids at least. I don't know if you did daycare when your kids were younger, but did he pay you at least 1/2 of what it would cost them to go to daycare. I guess if this doesn't bother you and other aspects of your marriage are fine, who am I to say anything. I hope I'm not out of line.

I definitely get that. I guess I look at it from a couple different perspectives. On one hand... my mother also did this and went through a divorce during that time. I don't know exactly how the court would see it in our case. The only reason ... (well ...excuse I should say) to not have me on the mortgage originally was because of that $8000 tax credit back a couple of years ago. I had already purchased a home through FHA and our realtor said that I couldn't be on it because we would not get the full $8k. And you know how my husband is about money! ::

When my mom went through her divorce, she said that legally he could not take the house because her business was in it. Now, I might be up a creek because my name is not on the mtg. I think in her case they both were on it.

BUT

I also have my rental property. It's a lot smaller. I'm fairly certain if he were to take control of my place of employment then the court would require him to pay me alimony or something to that effect. It's definitely something to research and think about but overall we are ok. I'm not really a person that gives up easily. It could be worse. We could have nothing in the bank and he spends every last dime we have with nothing to show for it. Right? :confused:::

[MarinaVanessa]

When my husband began making comments about how I needed to help with 50% of everything I began to invoice him for 50% of what I charge per week for daycare for our DS. I also told him that since he was off at 4pm and daycare closed at 6pm that he immediately had to come home for work and DS would be HIS responsibility only until 6pm because he was off of work and I was still working ... otherwise I would charge the extra 2 hours of overtime and he would pay half of that as well.

The home we live in now is also his only as he purchased it before he and I dated and one day he had made a comment about how if we were ever to get married he would have me sign a prenup. I didn't disagree as I would never take something that didn't belong to me however when it was time for new windows, a new kitchen and a new bathroom I refused to help him financially with that and even refused to help him plan and design. He was shocked but I simply explained that investing my time and money into something that would never be mine was a bad investment. That point deffinetely made it's mark because it's only logical. When arguing with a man you have to think like that man and my man removes all things emotional from every situation and thinks only on the logical. Once I made my point in this way he then understod that he either needed to think of me as a partner in everything or not expect 50/50 out of me. Then I left the choice to him.

Believe me honey, I know what you are going through. My hubs sounds like he could be cut from the same cloth as your hubs, I however have figured out a way to communicate my needs to him in a way that he understands (it only took me 7 years). We were married in August and "his" home is now "our" home (no prenup) and I did invest financially and timewise to the remodeling ... I still don't however pay for 50% of everything thanks to the fact that I do daycare and watch our son here and this evens out in the end.

So ... if your hubs expects you to pay 50/50 for everything make sure that he includes 50% for the kids that you both have together including childcare costs. Clothing, food, the whole shibang. I only have 1 child with my hubs (and DD from another relationship) you have 3 and another on the way which is great because the math is easier that way. 2 kids for each one. He wants to do 50% ... ok sure, but do 50% in everyway and every sense. Because if not ... I'm sorry honey, you're a wife supporting your kids like a single mom.

PS for the record I know there are great positive points about your hubs just as I have great positive things with mine. I'm just focusing on these couple. Beleive me, there is so much good in my hubs that it outweighs the bad.

[brookeroo]

I definitely get that. I guess I look at it from a couple different perspectives. On one hand... my mother also did this and went through a divorce during that time. I don't know exactly how the court would see it in our case. The only reason ... (well ...excuse I should say) to not have me on the mortgage originally was because of that $8000 tax credit back a couple of years ago. I had already purchased a home through FHA and our realtor said that I couldn't be on it because we would not get the full $8k. And you know how my husband is about money! ::

When my mom went through her divorce, she said that legally he could not take the house because her business was in it. Now, I might be up a creek because my name is not on the mtg. I think in her case they both were on it.

BUT

I also have my rental property. It's a lot smaller. I'm fairly certain if he were to take control of my place of employment then the court would require him to pay me alimony or something to that effect. It's definitely something to research and think about but overall we are ok. I'm not really a person that gives up easily. It could be worse. We could have nothing in the bank and he spends every last dime we have with nothing to show for it. Right? :confused:::

Honestly, I would have to probably move anyways. I don't know that I could legally make enough money to cover the mortgage payment plus everything else and two kids if I also had to worry about my rental property on top if it. Child support could probably help me make it but it's that old property is the ever wavering variable until it is gone.

He has his moments but I love him. He has a lot of great qualities as well.

[My3cents]

I really have nothing to add to this thread besides it DID make me feel better about my DH.

My DH comes into my daycare to help with lunch time and putting the kiddos down for a nap.

He is like a traveling circus to the kids. When he arrives, they go craaaaazy because he is the "fun guy"! He wrestles with them, teases them, giggles with them, tells them funny jokes, lets them build towers as tall as he is, lets them play with light switches, throw balls in the house, crawl under and around places normally of limits, acts goofy and basically anything I don't usually let them do.

Oh, and he gets them so wound up that nap time is tough sometimes and his behavior tends to make me always look like the bad guy!

But I am so not complaining! My DCK's LOVE LOVE LOVE my DH and when he has other plans or can't make it, it shows in the kids' behaviors and their moods.

He is the high light of the day and they all know it!

I have the same-

I don't understand why a women would put up with so much disrespect in this day and age from a man? I don't blame the men as much as I blame the women that are putting up with it.

I personally would never be in a marriage that was always one sided.

I understand that everyone does things different but why bother being married if your going to separate everything up like that. What happened to what is his, is mine and what is mine is mine too.:: For us we both bring our money to the table and we go from there. We go out to eat, we go out to eat with the money we both have earned. When one of us is down, the other picks up the slack, we have each others back. We work better together then apart. I don't tip toe around my hubby and he doesn't around me either. We try to make each other happy with our efforts and dreams.

It saddens me when my girlfriends go through this with husbands. On here or in the virtual world. Not scolding, just sad-

[cheerfuldom]

interesting thread. I do agree with the general thought that this is about respect, not the details. and I have no magical words of wisdom. my DH was horrendous until I literally made him pack a bag and told him to get out...I couldnt take it anymore. That was two years ago and he has grown up SOOOO much. He needed a reality check and nothing short of that worked. now he has his little issues, so do I, but nothing in comparison to what you all are describing.

[My3cents]

That just made me sad to read, but it DID make me see how strong of a woman you are.

me too-

but you are even stronger and can tell him hey look this is not working well for me- we are married- things need to change a bit here

you can clean my bathroom if I let you borrow money- Who does that? He doesn't think much of you to treat you that way it seems. It makes me sad. I wouldn't put up with this, but the smart a$$ is me would start attaching fees to everything and anything I did at all in the house- I pushed your kids out, $$$$$$$ I washed your clothing $$$$$$ I made your dinner $$$$$$

[brookeroo]

you can clean my bathroom if I let you borrow money- Who does that?

He fully does expect to get his money back however parts of that contract were just to poke fun at the situation. Where I said that we both have a sense of humor, that is part of it. He does inject humor which does help us get through a lot of our arguments. He has a way of using that to turn the mood where as I can hold a grudge for pretty much forever. The fact that he does this honestly has helped the marriage survive. I know that he doesn't expect me to fully follow through with each of these things. He knows I will not cook every single night. I also don't think either one of us believes that the contract would hold up in court either! ::

Like I said somehow we work. It's not very often that I stay mad at him for a long time. He is no Casanova by any means. He doesn't spoil us. He is very self centered in a lot of ways but he has a lot of great qualities too. I knew that when I married him. I signed up for this deal and we just have to learn to work through it.

Too many people give up on marriages. Too many people think divorce is the answer to everything. We could have nothing. He could have a drinking problem. He could be out trying to round up hussies every night but he's home. He's spending some great time with the kids and me as well. He has a good head on his shoulders. We are financially stable. I don't have to worry about anything that I don't think we can work through over time. We don't argue every day or even every week. It's just going to take time and maybe a sledge hammer....::

We just have to work through it.

[mrsp'slilpeeps]

Im sorry and I dont mean any insults to anyone, but If my husband treated me more like a roomate than a wife he would be strung up to the rafters and trying to dig my foot out of his @ss for the next 13 years.

I understand everyone is different, to each their own, I guess.

But he is my husband, bestfriend and partner, NOT my father, or boss.

We have 2 joint accounts, we share everything.

But just the other day he complained about the way I made his lunch. Well after 13 yrs, if you dont like it, make it yourself.

I didnt mind making them before, but dont criticze what I do for you.

He has been making them for a week! ::

All im saying is that we need to be more respectful of our spouces, and when the respect has left the room maybe they should too.

[Heidi]

This makes me laugh because my husband, a large, bald black man, is my assistant. He is around the children the ENTIRE day and is in charge of drop offs in the morning. :: I have never had an issue with him being here.

I'm sorry that your husband isn't understanding, OP. I can only imagine how terrible that would feel.

My husband is a large, almost bald, HAIRY white guy. ::::::

The dck's and parents love him....

[MarinaVanessa]

But just the other day he complained about the way I made his lunch. Well after 13 yrs, if you dont like it, make it yourself.

I didnt mind making them before, but dont criticze what I do for you.

He has been making them for a week! ::

Funny you should say that ... last week my DH complained that dinner "tasted funny". I made dinner as I always do and nothing had changed in the recipe other than he was home later than usual and I had to re-heat dinner so the chicken may have been a little dryer and tougher than when it was fresh (I ate it fresh and it seemed fine to me). Well guess what?!?! If you don't like the way it tastes ... make dinner yourself. Last week he ate spaghetti O's, spaghetti and sandwhiches that he prepared himself while the kids and I ate fabulous home-cooked meals.

I don't mind doing anything for anyone until I'm taken for granted or criticised. f you don;t like the way I do something for you, you can do it yourself ::. He did sort of apologize in a "Are you still mad at me ... am I still making my own dinner?" sort of way.

[dave4him]

Its always a good thing to have mutual respect.

[My3cents]

He fully does expect to get his money back however parts of that contract were just to poke fun at the situation. Where I said that we both have a sense of humor, that is part of it. He does inject humor which does help us get through a lot of our arguments. He has a way of using that to turn the mood where as I can hold a grudge for pretty much forever. The fact that he does this honestly has helped the marriage survive. I know that he doesn't expect me to fully follow through with each of these things. He knows I will not cook every single night. I also don't think either one of us believes that the contract would hold up in court either! ::

Like I said somehow we work. It's not very often that I stay mad at him for a long time. He is no Casanova by any means. He doesn't spoil us. He is very self centered in a lot of ways but he has a lot of great qualities too. I knew that when I married him. I signed up for this deal and we just have to learn to work through it.

Too many people give up on marriages. Too many people think divorce is the answer to everything. We could have nothing. He could have a drinking problem. He could be out trying to round up hussies every night but he's home. He's spending some great time with the kids and me as well. He has a good head on his shoulders. We are financially stable. I don't have to worry about anything that I don't think we can work through over time. We don't argue every day or even every week. It's just going to take time and maybe a sledge hammer....::

We just have to work through it.

I didn't see humor when I read this or that it was in "kidding" or fun.

If it works for you, Great! Make sure your happy- little saying I love. If Mom's not happy- no one is going to be happy~

Marriage is give and take. I agree too many people give up. I also agree with too many people stay in a cruddy marriage for the wrong reasons.