Career Woman Or Mother??? Question

[Breezy]

DCM on Friday says to me at pick up, "Breezy, I don't waaaaaant to take care of him." And then says to dcb "Wouldn't you rather just stay here??" Your child is here 53 hours a week!!!

[Willow]

"WE Are also not having other people raise our children..............we are......."

Sorry, I think this comment is really, really judgmental. I worked outside the home until my oldest was about 5, then started daycare when number two came along. My son went to daycare, not 50 or 60 hours a week or anything, but he did go. The one thing I can tell you this....

I raised my son. It is really offensive when daycare providers suggest that we are raising someone's child...we may partner with parents, just as teachers and coaches do...but to say that you are raising them? That really inflates your role in their lives and diminishes the parent. Not cool.

Just because someone says something, doesn't mean by default that it automatically applies to you.

Like it or not, in some families, the child IS being raised by the daycare provider, in others they are being raised by a nanny, or their grandparents, or even by their own siblings.

Just because a parents is in the same room as a child every once in awhile doesn't mean by a long shot that any parenting is taking place.

My ex may have my kids every other weekend but that doesn't mean he is doing anything to help raise them. Parents who work literally all day only to put their child right to sleep with no love or affection swapped, then snagging a sitter for them on the weekends to boot are NOT being raised by their "parent."

Raising a child entails selflessness and intent, some "parents" truly have no concept of either when it comes to their offspring in which case the task falls to someone else....hopefully anyway, for the sake of the child. They deserve someone who cares about them enough to give them the time they need to learn the things they need to learn about life, or at the very least someone who will try their darnedest despite having limited resources and time.

Those who refuse to even try are NOT raising their kids.

[jen]

Just because someone says something, doesn't mean by default that it automatically applies to you.

Like it or not, in some families, the child IS being raised by the daycare provider, in others they are being raised by a nanny, or their grandparents, or even by their own siblings.

Just because a parents is in the same room as a child every once in awhile doesn't mean by a long shot that any parenting is taking place.

My ex may have my kids every other weekend but that doesn't mean he is doing anything to help raise them. Parents who work literally all day only to put their child right to sleep with no love or affection swapped, then snagging a sitter for them on the weekends to boot are NOT being raised by their "parent."

Raising a child entails selflessness and intent, some "parents" truly have no concept of either when it comes to their offspring in which case the task falls to someone else....hopefully anyway, for the sake of the child. They deserve someone who cares about them enough to give them the time they need to learn the things they need to learn about life, or at the very least someone who will try their darnedest despite having limited resources and time.

Those who refuse to even try are NOT raising their kids.

LOL! Just because someone finds something offensive, does not mean that they believe it applies to them. I am equally offended when people make comments against gays or people of color. I did daycare for ten years, now I work for the school district. I am home when my kids are home; thats what works for us.

Again, I don't believe that daycare providers "raise" other peoples children. They may have crappy parents, and truly nothing makes me sadder, but their parents will be the ones who raise them or fail to do so.

I've also known people who worked their butts off, left kids in daycare much longer than I'd be comfortable with, but they loved their kids and raised them the best that they could at the time; and I was happy to help. Still, I didn't raise their children.

[jen]

I was not directing it towards anyone, I was having a conversation with her.....
And I'm basing it off of those mothers who choose to work crazy unnecessary hours because they need prada boots or material things, when they could be spending time with their children but instead have them In child care for 50+ hours a week and then Dont even bother to spend time with them on the weekends.

My response to country was not defining all mothers. Trust me I have some great daycare parents and I have experienced a few that basically told me that they didn't realize having kids was going to be so hard and pretty much asked me to have their kids until right before they went to bed.

Sorry, didn't mean to offend you

*

I know that you didn't direct it towards me. I just think that when we say we are raising someones child, we are really overstating our role. I also think that there is alot we end up knowing about a family (usually a whole lot more than we want to know) but there is often a bunch we don't know. We can feel good about ourselves as Moms for whatever unique quality we bring to parenting...I just don't think we need to go to the, "...well, at least WE don't ________" place. KWIM?

[Wynn]

Thank you

Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children?

I think each mother needs to make the changes in her life (including work) to do whatever SHE (and the father) think is important as far as parenting goes. Some parents place the most value on the first 5 years of life, others feel staying home the whole 18 years is important. I think each mother needs to do what she feels is right. I have seen both mothers who value the staying at home time while their kids are babies and others value being available to their children in later years. There is no one right or wrong here.


Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

I don't think a career or children should ever be "sacrificed" for anything. You need to do what is important to you and if family and children are more important and you chose that over working then it isn't a sacrifice, it is a choice. If you feel work is more important that full time parenting, then that is also a choice. It is only viewed as a sacrifice to those who don't value the same things.

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?

ALL children are different and have different needs. It isn't fair or unfair to be in child care and primarily raised by someone other than a parent if that isn't what THAT particualr child needs. It also isn't fair for a child to be at home with their parent 100% of the time with no socialization from others if that isn't what that particular child needs. Again, doing what is right and necessary for EACH child is what matters. There is no one size fits all for kids. or parents.

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad?

Again, it depends on the child. Some children need their mom more than their dad and vice versa. I don't think it matters the sex of the primary caregiver as long as ALL the child's needs are being met fully and in a quality manner.

That is my 2 cents.

I really appreciate the person who answered these questions especially the one about the primary care giver meeting the needs of the child regardless of what there gender is.

I myself am a mom who settled on an agreement with my child's dad, that he'd be the primary caregiver. We were never married together, and he got married when my child was about three years old. I thought about my child's needs, resources, and the environment that would be right for her. It all just made sense that my child would stay with him and the step mother, especially because he had a huge supportive family for my child (including cousins in her age group and a sibling on the way to play with; I myself had no other children). In despite of the decision being in the best interest of my child, I still received a lot of shaming from a few people who feel that a child should always be with a mom. So I thank you for focusing on the needs of the child rather than the gender of the parent.