Career Woman Or Mother??? Question

[countrymom]

I remember when I worked outside of the home. I worked afternoons from 2-10pm. Dh would work the day shift plus overtime. I would bring my dd to my mothers house so she can eat and take a nap and then I would go to work, dh would pick up and have dinner at my mothers house. The only time I had as a mother was the few hours in the morning, but the morning was so chiaotic trying to catch up on everything. Weekends, forget, I had to work weekends too. I felt that work made me so rushed, everything was a rush, hurry hurry hurry.

so when I had dd #2, I went back to work part time and tried to accomadate my dh's schedual. They wouldn't do it. I quit after going back for 2 weeks.

I'm going to tell you that you can not have the best of both worlds, someone will suffer and its usually the kids.

I found that my kids have benefited from me being home so much its crazy. I just don't understand how people who work outside the house function, oh wait I do, its not pretty.

and my kids are going to remember all the good stuff about me being home and how many warm cookies I make them when they come home from school instead of coming to a empty house. If I would have stayed at work, they would have replaced me the second i retired.

does it make a difference between mom and dad. I think it does. My back up is the sole provider (her ex is a loser) so the kids see all the things that a mom can do, even do the stuff a dad would do.

oh I acually keep up with the jones, the only difference is that all my stuff is second hand !

[daycare]

daycare - I'm not sure I could continue to be friends with such a familiy.....or rather they likely wouldn't continue being friends with me after I hit a breaking point and finally told them what I thought about their family "arrangements."


I can hold my tongue on most things that other parents do with their kids that I don't agree with, or even irk me, that though? I think eventually I'd crack under the anger that would bubble up in my heart....and they probably wouldn't be very happy with what I'd have to say about their lifestyle choices coming before their children.



(I could also see myself confronting her about ripping dad apart....I'd probably question how she even knows he's doing such a horrible job seeing as she's obviously never around any of them )

Willow.....

Trust me when i tell you that these are not people that I would choose to be friends with, however, this is a very good friend of my husbands. They have been friends for almost 30 years.

I love the man, the wife however, is a typical should I say crazy California label %hore. I really don't care for her much as a mother, but she is a nice person. I just try my hardest to be nice to her out of respect for my husbands best friend. I think I did bite a hole in my cheek last night holding back all of my words at the tip of my tongue.

Like others have said, I could see and understand that if this family was working this hard just to keep a roof over their head and food on the table, then I would get it...But to see that SHE is doing it out of the mere selfishness that she thinks they need to have every bell, whistle and then some makes me want to PUKE................

What's even more sad, is that majorty of my DCK are exactly in the same situation. Just this morning during circle time when we were doing the calendar I told the kids tomorrow is saturday and you will be home with mommy and daddy. A kid asked do we come back on sunday and so I pointed to all of the days of the week and clearly spelled out to them that 5 days a week they are with me and 2 days a week with mommy and daddy.... Two of the kids said wow miss N. 5 is more than 2 and so we come here more than home.......UGH MY heart sank.... Of course I don't think they know what that really means.....BUT in the end, if these parents did not work 5 days a week, I would not have a job, so it does go both ways

[daycare]

I remember when I worked outside of the home. I worked afternoons from 2-10pm. Dh would work the day shift plus overtime. I would bring my dd to my mothers house so she can eat and take a nap and then I would go to work, dh would pick up and have dinner at my mothers house. The only time I had as a mother was the few hours in the morning, but the morning was so chiaotic trying to catch up on everything. Weekends, forget, I had to work weekends too. I felt that work made me so rushed, everything was a rush, hurry hurry hurry.

so when I had dd #2, I went back to work part time and tried to accomadate my dh's schedual. They wouldn't do it. I quit after going back for 2 weeks.

I'm going to tell you that you can not have the best of both worlds, someone will suffer and its usually the kids.

I found that my kids have benefited from me being home so much its crazy. I just don't understand how people who work outside the house function, oh wait I do, its not pretty.

and my kids are going to remember all the good stuff about me being home and how many warm cookies I make them when they come home from school instead of coming to a empty house. If I would have stayed at work, they would have replaced me the second i retired.

does it make a difference between mom and dad. I think it does. My back up is the sole provider (her ex is a loser) so the kids see all the things that a mom can do, even do the stuff a dad would do.

oh I acually keep up with the jones, the only difference is that all my stuff is second hand !

love your thoughts....... and I keep up with the jone's too....through ross clothing, good will and garage sales.... But my kids always have me and I know that no label or material thing would make them happier than that...............

[My3cents]

Give up career? No

But it's also not fair to have a child you have no intention of raising yourself.


By that I mean the parents that work 12 hours a day, by choice, and then have a sitter on the weekends so they can go out and have their own adult/down time. The ones that spend little to no time with their kids and the time that is spent is merely an adult and child hanging out in the same room while the child watches tv.....passive parenting at best.

That is NOT right. And it does tick me off when children are forced to grow up under such circumstances. I don't give a rip if it's what the parent wants, no child wants that for themselves and it's not fair to them.


I literally grew up in daycares myself the first several years of my life and the only thing that made that ok in my mind is because I knew it's what my mom HAD to do as a single parent. It is not what she wanted for me or preferred for us, and that made all the difference in shaping my perspective.

I cannot begin to fathom being a child and feeling like that's the life my mother or father WANTED me to live....or worse (?) merely just didn't care if I did because what they wanted for themselves was more important.



In that case I wonder why people wouldn't just get a dog.

I hear you, but I think it is a parents choice. It is not my choice, but I have some good parents that are active and might not fit into the "mold" you are speaking of. They live differently. They provide for their kids what they think is best. They want College for the kids so they work hard, they play hard too, they are balancing life for what works best for them and the family and what they want. They love their children and they have a family dog too.<----just saying not trying to have this come across as sarcastic, as it reads. will write out more later if I get a chance, break is over for me

[Country Kids]

I haven't read a thing! This is definetly a naptime read and promise I will. Looks very, very interesting-

[rhymia1]

Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children? Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

No. In this country it's "every man/woman for themselves" and women who don't work for money often end up eating cat food when they are elderly. Unfortunately, raising your children is not viewed as worthwhile because it's not a paid profession - we worship at the alter of the almighty dollar. There isn't much sympathy for elderly women living in poverty Women with "flex" schedules are often overlooked for promotions and raises.

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?
Who said life was fair? Poor women have to work for survival and their kids are in day care/with relatives all day long. The care most career women secure for their children is usually top notch care.

Of course, I am talking about married women, where there is a significant other in the picture......
What if the father dies, or more statistically likely, leaves her?It's very hard to jump back into the workforce. And many people are so underinsured that it's ridiculous. And even if they have some life insurance, they would still need health insurance. Part of having children is being able to provide basics, and while this woman seems to be dripping in unnecessary labels, if something were to happen to her husband, she would still be able provide for her kids.

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad? Keeping it simple, I want to use a mother/father question even though some house holds are two moms or two dads..... I don't think it matters.

Truthfully your friend's wife sounds like a shrew, but not because she works so much. Just because she's a shrew Honestly, I chose to work at home so I can be with my children. But my priorities are not everyone else's. Thank goodness or I wouldn't have a job::

[daycare]

Do you feel that if a career woman chooses to have kids, that they should reduce the amount of time they spend in the office or make their work schedule so that they can mother their children? Do you think that a mother should be willing to sacrifice her career so that she can have children? Would that be fair?

No. In this country it's "every man/woman for themselves" and women who don't work for money often end up eating cat food when they are elderly. Unfortunately, raising your children is not viewed as worthwhile because it's not a paid profession - we worship at the alter of the almighty dollar. There isn't much sympathy for elderly women living in poverty Women with "flex" schedules are often overlooked for promotions and raises.

Is it fair to the children who have mothers who are career women and therefore the children have to be in daycare's or cared for by a caregiver for very long periods of time?
Who said life was fair? Poor women have to work for survival and their kids are in day care/with relatives all day long. The care most career women secure for their children is usually top notch care.

Of course, I am talking about married women, where there is a significant other in the picture......
What if the father dies, or more statistically likely, leaves her?It's very hard to jump back into the workforce. And many people are so underinsured that it's ridiculous. And even if they have some life insurance, they would still need health insurance. Part of having children is being able to provide basics, and while this woman seems to be dripping in unnecessary labels, if something were to happen to her husband, she would still be able provide for her kids.

AND, does it make a difference who the primary caregiver is? Mom or Dad? Keeping it simple, I want to use a mother/father question even though some house holds are two moms or two dads..... I don't think it matters.

Truthfully your friend's wife sounds like a shrew, but not because she works so much. Just because she's a shrew Honestly, I chose to work at home so I can be with my children. But my priorities are not everyone else's. Thank goodness or I wouldn't have a job::

...is a shrew a breed of mouse??

Yes I would have to agree with you if that is what that means....In this situation, it is so very sad that the mother is this way.... Like you said, everyone has different obsticals that they may be faced with like that of a father's death. But to work just so you can have material things and for go any quality time with your children that ****S.....BUT I will say, I am not mad at her for not being the person I wish she was....I just don't like her.... hahahahahah

[rhymia1]

...is a shrew a breed of mouse??

Yes I would have to agree with you if that is what that means....In this situation, it is so very sad that the mother is this way.... Like you said, everyone has different obsticals that they may be faced with like that of a father's death. But to work just so you can have material things and for go any quality time with your children that ****S.....BUT I will say, I am not mad at her for not being the person I wish she was....I just don't like her.... hahahahahah

Ha! No, not a mouse:: The kind that screeches and screams and is never happy kind of shrew

But I tend not to be friendly with people like that, only because we would really have nothing in common, you know?

[Breezy]

My DH and I had a similar conversation over the weekend. When we move, I will not be doing daycare anymore as we will be living in a small apartment to start with and frankly I need a break from it for a while or forever. I've been looking at jobs and agonizing over whether or not I was going to be ok with putting DS in daycare. I'm sure he would survive and we would try to make it as part time as possible but the thought makes me sick.

I recently became a Pampered Chef Consultant after talking it over with my cousin who has been doing it for 6 years. She started when her youngest was a baby because it was either sell PC or work and put her son in DC. She loves it and it has made a fabulous income for their now family of 4.

Anyway, DH was telling me that although he supports me selling PC. He doesn't he why I don't want to get a real job outside of the house now. And wouldnt that make me feel better about myself? Having a career like other moms instead of being a SAHM?

This floored me. I told him that my job is being a mom first and foremost. Would people maybe see me differently if I had a successful career? Well, I am sure they would but I want to be seen by my child and future children as a wonderful mother who was always there. I want to raise my kids and not put them in daycare while I work 40 hours or more a week. I want my kids to look back and not remember me working all the time and coming home to an empty house. But always being there when they got off the bus. Not having to wait in the nurses office when they are sick at school for me to beg my boss to let me leave. I want to be able to be right there.

When my husband looks back on his childhood he sees a single mom working 3 jobs to keep a roof over her 3 kids head. That is commendable yes. But he also sees no family meals at the kitchen table, mom was never home, mom never said I love you or gave hugs or kisses. Mom was never there. He says he turned out fine raising himself and being babysat by Sesame Street and video games. But when I look at my husband i see a man who is unaffectionate, cold, hurt, and guarded. When I wrap my arms around him after he is home from work he stiffens up like a board. He can't have relationships with other people because if they are kind to him he wonders what their alterior motives are. He spent the better part of the evening of this conversation in tears asking me why he can't fit in anywhere. Honestly, honey? It's because youre unapproachable.

When I look back on my childhood.. my mom was home when I got home from school (she worked from home as doing accounts recievable for a hospital for a while before coming a total SAHM). She would have us do our homework and be there to help us. Have dinner on the table for a family meal every night. Kiss us, love up on us, make us feel like a million dollars.

Hmm, where was I going with this? Oh yes. So, I don't see a career making or breaking me as a person. If people think I'm lazy because I'm a SAHM come take a walk in my shoes. I can't fathom putting DS into daycare.

Being a mom has always been my dream and that comes first

With that being said, I know that families do need the two incomes. Or like in my DH case single mom needed to work. But I do believe being there is important.

Sorry for the tangent! These thoughts were swimming around in my head after reading this thread and I had to write them down!

[daycare]

a little off subject, but not too much...

At a point in my life, I was a single mother working tail end off daily to make ends meet, put food on the table and clothes on my kids. I dropped out of college and did everything that I could. Both of my kids (very very young) grew up in daycare all day. If not at daycare, at a baby sitter house after daycare so I could work my second or sometimes third job.
I felt horrible daily as I loaded up my car to drop them off. Well luckly for me about 3 years of being a single mom I met the most amazing man and I married him. This would be the first time since my kids were ages 4 and 2 that they would get to see what it was like to be a real family with both parents living together. I of course jumped for joy that I was able to only have to work one job BUT how I ended up doing daycare was what I found one day while I was cleaning out a box in my garage...


My son had a kindergarten project that he did in class and it was a huge mural that was all about me type thing. He had to draw pictures of himself and his family in labeled boxes............... In the box that said "my family" he drew a picture of himself, his sister and the babysitter.................. For some reason, I had never seen this before that day.............I literally dropped to the floor crying and felt like I was the worst person on earth. I tired not to take it personal, but I did. About 3 months later, I had my own childcare from my home and I spent every waking hour that I possibly could with my kids.

I am still this way today and I do everything that I can to make my little ones (im including my teens too, they are still my little ones) understand that I am always here for them no matter what and am trying my best to do everything I can to really get to know my children.....

ugh anyways not sure where I was going with this, but just wanted to share

[Country Kids]

I believe any mom that works is a career woman. Most woman that work are going to be away from their kids for some time in some fashion.

I'm a career woman and I work inside my home. Yes, my kids see me but not alot. I'm working before they get up and for a couple hours after they get home. I'm very cautious in intertwinging them with my dcks. So alot of times they are in another part of the house until I'm done. Even when I had them with me in the childcare they were still having to be in childcare. It wasn't like they had mom 100% to themselves.

About 2-3 times a month I have meetings in the evenings that take me away from the family and then classes that I take. Then there is tons of cleaning, shopping, errands to run to get ready for the coming week. I probably average 10-15 hours on the weekends with it. So in total I probably work 65-70 hours a week with my career (sometimes more). Yes, my children may be there with me but I'm still doing things with my work-they are just tagging along.

I sometimes think (my kids are older but still at home) that they may actually do somewhat better if I worked outside the home. I know what I want to do but cannot afford to take a huge paycut right now. Anyway, it would be working in the schools so I would still be here for them before/after school and days off. Why do I think they would be better-I wouldn't be working continuasly for my business, for other kids, trying to keep up business so I have kids enrolled. I would be doing things for my family, not the childcare.

I really do love my job and pour 110% of myself into it. That is where the problem lies though. I have never been a great balancer. I either can do my business to the full extent or my family but not both. When I did just preschool and everyone was gone by 12:00 my family thrived and I was able to be a mom! When I do preschool/fulltime childcare that is what I'm almost consumed with and I can't spend the time I need to with my family.

Also, I don't have the perks that moms that work outside the home do-I can't work through lunch and take off early. I can't run do the school on my lunch hour and spend it with my child for his program. I have to bring the entire childcare to my childs classroom for parties/programs because I had no sub. My child just wanted me at the school, not my job.

So, am I wrong for working 65-70 hours? Not sure, but I know my job requires it to keep it going and to keep my name out there. Its not just a 8 or 9 hour day for me. I guess my point is even though I work at home, my kids are here, I still work many, many hours that we would flame a mom for doing if she worked outside the home. So, is it still wrong because I work at home or not?

[daycare]

I believe any mom that works is a career woman. Most woman that work are going to be away from their kids for some time in some fashion.

I'm a career woman and I work inside my home. Yes, my kids see me but not alot. I'm working before they get up and for a couple hours after they get home. I'm very cautious in intertwinging them with my dcks. So alot of times they are in another part of the house until I'm done. Even when I had them with me in the childcare they were still having to be in childcare. It wasn't like they had mom 100% to themselves.

About 2-3 times a month I have meetings in the evenings that take me away from the family and then classes that I take. Then there is tons of cleaning, shopping, errands to run to get ready for the coming week. I probably average 10-15 hours on the weekends with it. So in total I probably work 65-70 hours a week with my career (sometimes more). Yes, my children may be there with me but I'm still doing things with my work-they are just tagging along.

I sometimes think (my kids are older but still at home) that they may actually do somewhat better if I worked outside the home. I know what I want to do but cannot afford to take a huge paycut right now. Anyway, it would be working in the schools so I would still be here for them before/after school and days off. Why do I think they would be better-I wouldn't be working continuasly for my business, for other kids, trying to keep up business so I have kids enrolled. I would be doing things for my family, not the childcare.

I really do love my job and pour 110% of myself into it. That is where the problem lies though. I have never been a great balancer. I either can do my business to the full extent or my family but not both. When I did just preschool and everyone was gone by 12:00 my family thrived and I was able to be a mom! When I do preschool/fulltime childcare that is what I'm almost consumed with and I can't spend the time I need to with my family.

Also, I don't have the perks that moms that work outside the home do-I can't work through lunch and take off early. I can't run do the school on my lunch hour and spend it with my child for his program. I have to bring the entire childcare to my childs classroom for parties/programs because I had no sub. My child just wanted me at the school, not my job.

So, am I wrong for working 65-70 hours? Not sure, but I know my job requires it to keep it going and to keep my name out there. Its not just a 8 or 9 hour day for me. I guess my point is even though I work at home, my kids are here, I still work many, many hours that we would flame a mom for doing if she worked outside the home. So, is it still wrong because I work at home or not?

I dont see either being wrong, but like one said it is a choice, as is everything else in life.

YOU and I are very similar in a lot of ways, having our heads 120% in our business. BUT, my teens never come home to an empty house. Yes, I am still working when they get home sometimes, (not always because they come home so late) but I can hear all about their day, they can see their little brother, they can hug me and I can see that they are always ok. I never worry about them coming home to an empty house, haivng to wonder if they are up to mischief.

When I do things for the childcare, I include my kids. We all painted a wall mural together last month and we all had a blast doing it. We shop for sensory bin ideas, even my oldest son. In fact, he made me the fishing line art set up for the preschool room. I try my hardest to work as a team even though it's not always what my children want to do. BUt if you help me, then I help you. I love taking them to their activities when I can, most of the time I can't. But you bet your butt I am at every single thing I can get to.

I do think that it is different in the end for us CK, because even though we are working a ton of hours and can't be at every event like some working outside of the home can. WE Are also not having other people raise our children..............we are.......and I have to say you sound like an amazing mother who NEEDS to stop beating herself up trying to be superwoman..... All that matters is that you try...............

Awwee I wanna hug you right now......

[Country Kids]

Mine do help occasionally but are getting to the point where the noise drives them absolutely crazy. My one child ran home for lunch yesterday and left early because the kids weren't sleeping and just being ridiculously loud. Wouldn't be quiet for anything.

Another child holes themselves up in my room just to get away from it all till they all leave because they just can't handle the crying/whining/loud talking/etc. This child has been like this since they were little though.

My own hubs makes lunch stops as quick as possible because it just riles everyone up. So even though I'm here, my family really has a hard time being here while I'm working. They will actually comment on how quiet it turns when the last child leaves!

Even when everyone is being really good and everything is flowing smoothly, my family still doesn't like to be here. I think childcare is a little to much for them even though I've done it for soooooooooooo looooooooonnnnnnnnggggg.

[jen]

I dont see either being wrong, but like one said it is a choice, as is everything else in life.

YOU and I are very similar in a lot of ways, having our heads 120% in our business. BUT, my teens never come home to an empty house. Yes, I am still working when they get home sometimes, (not always because they come home so late) but I can hear all about their day, they can see their little brother, they can hug me and I can see that they are always ok. I never worry about them coming home to an empty house, haivng to wonder if they are up to mischief.

When I do things for the childcare, I include my kids. We all painted a wall mural together last month and we all had a blast doing it. We shop for sensory bin ideas, even my oldest son. In fact, he made me the fishing line art set up for the preschool room. I try my hardest to work as a team even though it's not always what my children want to do. BUt if you help me, then I help you. I love taking them to their activities when I can, most of the time I can't. But you bet your butt I am at every single thing I can get to.

I do think that it is different in the end for us CK, because even though we are working a ton of hours and can't be at every event like some working outside of the home can. WE Are also not having other people raise our children..............we are.......and I have to say you sound like an amazing mother who NEEDS to stop beating herself up trying to be superwoman..... All that matters is that you try...............

Awwee I wanna hug you right now......

"WE Are also not having other people raise our children..............we are......."

Sorry, I think this comment is really, really judgmental. I worked outside the home until my oldest was about 5, then started daycare when number two came along. My son went to daycare, not 50 or 60 hours a week or anything, but he did go. The one thing I can tell you this....

I raised my son. It is really offensive when daycare providers suggest that we are raising someone's child...we may partner with parents, just as teachers and coaches do...but to say that you are raising them? That really inflates your role in their lives and diminishes the parent. Not cool.

[daycare]

"WE Are also not having other people raise our children..............we are......."

Sorry, I think this comment is really, really judgmental. I worked outside the home until my oldest was about 5, then started daycare when number two came along. My son went to daycare, not 50 or 60 hours a week or anything, but he did go. The one thing I can tell you this....

I raised my son. It is really offensive when daycare providers suggest that we are raising someone's child...we may partner with parents, just as teachers and coaches do...but to say that you are raising them? That really inflates your role in their lives and diminishes the parent. Not cool.

I was not directing it towards anyone, I was having a conversation with her.....
And I'm basing it off of those mothers who choose to work crazy unnecessary hours because they need prada boots or material things, when they could be spending time with their children but instead have them In child care for 50+ hours a week and then Dont even bother to spend time with them on the weekends.

My response to country was not defining all mothers. Trust me I have some great daycare parents and I have experienced a few that basically told me that they didn't realize having kids was going to be so hard and pretty much asked me to have their kids until right before they went to bed.

Sorry, didn't mean to offend you