Well I Knew It But Am Annoyed That Mom Lied To Me

[cheerfuldom]

I would tell her the truth whether she pushes for it or not, and I'd let her know now rather than later so you can move on and not wonder when you're finally going to get that phone call bugging you for details.

Avoiding it won't be doing her or any future providers any favors.

Doesn't have to be a long lecture and if the conversation takes a turn for the worst you can politely tell her best of luck and hang up. Just explain that her son is the way he is, nothing she should be embarrassed about, but that she does need to be honest about that in the future. Not doing so is doing a great disservice to him and is going to alienate any future providers from ever wanting to work with her.

I would make clear the reason you're not open to working with her again is that she lied to you, not because you couldn't handle his issues.

If a parent gets uppity I'd much rather they spread the word that I'm picky integrity wise instead of incapable of handling children. Plus it'll drive the point home that while it may be a big harder to find just the right care for him lying about his issues will make things infinitely harder than even that.

I am not avoiding the conversation for care. She is to email me with the dates for future care as she doesnt know for sure what she needs or if she will even need it. It was left very up in the air and I did not commit to any future care, nor did she. It was a general discussion we had that I may hear from her again in the next month or so....nothing concrete. But I do agree that I need to be honest with why the answer will be no.

[EarthyMom]

thank you for your thoughtful post. on a side note, this particular child has not been diagnosed with Autism but there are very significant sensory disorders in addition to further diagnosis' which as you said, made him have a high level of anxiety to be placed here at my home. It was very unfair for mom to do that to me and to him. I did my best with him for the temporary care but I know full well that I cannot keep up with his needs in addition to my 3 kids, my baby on the way, and 5 other daycare kids.

Oh I absolutely agree with you 100%. I hope it came across that way in my post. I would never suggest that anyone who has no training or understanding of any special needs take on that responsibility. It is critical to the child's well being, as well as the other children in your care that your program run as intended.

No matter a diagnosis or not, if a child has a special need its critical they are met at such young developmental years. Sensory overload in and of itself is enough reason to step back no matter what. You have built your program and if it isn't appropriate for the childs sensory concerns that is your professional determination. It should be respected. I urge you not to feel anything but confidence in stating that to the parent.

I remember when I put my son in pre school and we sat in a circle on parent day. During song my son put his head down and started to cry. The rest of the time he looked around the room unable to participate functionally in group learning activities. That is when I knew there was something wrong. That moment was a horrible experience for both of us. That was his last day of pre school. It wasn't appropriate for him.

When I addressed his needs with the school district he was evaluated, and has been thriving in his autism program. A child with any needs should have the opportunity to thrive. As a proffesional I am sure you agree. If the child would not thrive in your program due to overstimulation, you should say so to this to the parent without any guilt or feelings of discrimination. The truth isn't always fun, but it is very important.

[cheerfuldom]

Oh I absolutely agree with you 100%. I hope it came across that way in my post. I would never suggest that anyone who has no training or understanding of any special needs take on that responsibility. It is critical to the child's well being, as well as the other children in your care that your program run as intended.

No matter a diagnosis or not, if a child has a special need its critical they are met at such young developmental years. Sensory overload in and of itself is enough reason to step back no matter what. You have built your program and if it isn't appropriate for the childs sensory concerns that is your professional determination. It should be respected. I urge you not to feel anything but confidence in stating that to the parent.

I remember when I put my son in pre school and we sat in a circle on parent day. During song my son put his head down and started to cry. The rest of the time he looked around the room unable to participate functionally in group learning activities. That is when I knew there was something wrong. That moment was a horrible experience for both of us. That was his last day of pre school. It wasn't appropriate for him.

When I addressed his needs with the school district he was evaluated, and has been thriving in his autism program. A child with any needs should have the opportunity to thrive. As a proffesional I am sure you agree. If the child would not thrive in your program due to overstimulation, you should say so to this to the parent without any guilt or feelings of discrimination. The truth isn't always fun, but it is very important.

that is exactly what I have been feeling and I feel very frustrated at this mom! Its not just that she lied to me, which is enough to not continue care but the fact that she knowingly placed her son in a situation where he wasnt going to thrive. she specifically said her in ad for a weekend sitter that the sitter had to come to her house because other peoples homes were not appropriate for the care he needed....yet she sent him to MY home and he has a regular daycare provider during the week (according to her, he is not the only child there and has been in care since he was an infant....she told me this at our interview)

[EarthyMom]

that is exactly what I have been feeling and I feel very frustrated at this mom! Its not just that she lied to me, which is enough to not continue care but the fact that she knowingly placed her son in a situation where he wasnt going to thrive. she specifically said her in ad for a weekend sitter that the sitter had to come to her house because other peoples homes were not appropriate for the care he needed....yet she sent him to MY home and he has a regular daycare provider during the week (according to her, he is not the only child there and has been in care since he was an infant....she told me this at our interview)

I understand your emotions getting involved. If I were you I would write down your key points from a professional standpoint leaving any emotions out of it 100%. Then in a firm but kind professional manner address your key points with her. If she argues anything just repeat your key points and politely dismiss yourself from the conversation. What your coming across is sad, but not uncommon. You cannot control what others do, only how you carry yourself. Please try to regroup from this experience the best you know how. Unfortunately, it may not be your last. There are more and more special needs children out there. Numbers are going up. Many providers will experience variant forms of what you did.

[brookeroo]

that is exactly what I have been feeling and I feel very frustrated at this mom! Its not just that she lied to me, which is enough to not continue care but the fact that she knowingly placed her son in a situation where he wasnt going to thrive. she specifically said her in ad for a weekend sitter that the sitter had to come to her house because other peoples homes were not appropriate for the care he needed....yet she sent him to MY home and he has a regular daycare provider during the week (according to her, he is not the only child there and has been in care since he was an infant....she told me this at our interview)

I am dealing with a very similar issue with one of my daycare kids. If I would have found that online I would have printed it out and sat her down when she picked up her child and showed her the posting she had placed online publicly. I would have expressed the same frustrations and points that you and others have here. It's not a fair situation. Not for you and not for the child.

In my case I think the parents are in denial and they don't want to consider that something bigger is going on with their son. I only wish it was as easy as confronting them about something they already knew. These parents would rather remain in the dark. It is a very frustrating situation to be in because on one hand, you know the child can't help what is going on, but you feel like you are failing because you aren't equipped to handle the child's needs...and it's difficult to give these children the one on one attention they need when you have other children. And sometimes it comes at the other children's expense as well.

[momma2girls]

I just let a family go, that have been lying and lying to me!!! UGHH!!!
They started about a yr. ago, and have done it and done it since- repeatingly on everything. I finally said enough is enough, you are lying and I do not accept lying families!!!!

[BABYLUVER]

thank you for sharing that. This is exactly how I felt....mom lied to me and then set up her son for a very hard two weeks for both him and I because she was trying to fit him into a program that was not right for him. She should have been completely honest with his needs and I could have then been completely honest with what I could and could not provide for him. I really do feel for parents that have special needs children and are having to figure out childcare/schooling/etc. as I witnessed this every day growing up with my brother (and have provided care for him off and on even though he is an adult). It is not right to use the excuse "well no one will take him if I tell them the truth" in order to get him into a program that is not right for him. Its the parents responsibility to find and pay for the appropriate program for their children....not the providers responsibility to revamp everything in order to accommodate one child.

(((HUG))) I'm sorry that this happened to you too. It isn't just hard on us, but it's harder on the children. I don't think parents realize that sometimes, that what's best for the children is not best for THEM (the parent). Sometimes, they just have to sacrifice; but they don't want to do that. Sacrificing sometimes means taking days and even weeks to find the "right" person, instead of being fearful that no one would take him/her and then subjecting the child to further hardship, which is what your dcp and my former dcp have both done.

I have to say there are many reasons I shut down, and being lied to and not respected were on the top of the list. I am so much less stressed in the position I have now. I still deal with people, but not to the extent that we do when we are basically, the 2nd family for our dck's

[Blackcat31]

It is not in CO. Our subsidized program even pays more for children with disabilities. It's not that one is getting paid FOR the child's being disabled---they're getting paid more because of the responsibility that comes with handling kids with certain disabilities.

Actually that is not true. You can NEVER charge a higher rate to a family simply because their child is special needs.

This has been a huge topic of conversation here and ultimately we have learned that you canNOT charge more based on special needs....even if your subsidy program pays more, there are still other factors involved and simply charging more due to the disability is illegal in ALL states.

https://www.daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46481

[countrymom]

this thread isn't about payment its the fact that the mom lied putting the provider in a awkward position. If the mom was up front about the childs issue then there would be no need for this thread.

If it was me, omg I would be so livid. Parents just don't understand that you can't just dump a kid off at daycare and hope he acts like the rest of the kids. How fair is it to a provider and the kids that a new child is screaming and throwing tantrums and no matter what you do, nothing is helping the kid. And then come to find out that there are issues that mom forgot to disclose.

I would call the mom, call her out on it. Shame on her.

[Unregistered]

Actually that is not true. You can NEVER charge a higher rate to a family simply because their child is special needs.

This has been a huge topic of conversation here and ultimately we have learned that you canNOT charge more based on special needs....even if your subsidy program pays more, there are still other factors involved and simply charging more due to the disability is illegal in ALL states.

https://www.daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46481

If your on a program or the child is on a program? Being in business for yourself you can set your rates to what you want. I can charge one family one rate and another family a different rate depending upon the individual circumstances and needs. Morally it would be wrong to charge a higher rate for one person over the other with the same needs for care, or because I felt one kid would be more work over another. I wouldn't do it. I do charge different rates over different amounts of care time needed. I charge more for part time to make it worth my time then I do for full time kids.

[Blackcat31]

If your on a program or the child is on a program? Being in business for yourself you can set your rates to what you want. I can charge one family one rate and another family a different rate depending upon the individual circumstances and needs. Morally it would be wrong to charge a higher rate for one person over the other with the same needs for care, or because I felt one kid would be more work over another. I wouldn't do it. I do charge different rates over different amounts of care time needed. I charge more for part time to make it worth my time then I do for full time kids.

Yes, you can set your rates at whatever you want but legally you can NOT charge a family with a special needs child more than anyone else pays because of the special need.

Charging a different rate to families based on their care hours is a completely different topic and is not covered by any act or law which disabilities are.

It has gone back and forth and back and forth and ultimately after a phone call to the ADA, (as well as some input from Tom Copeland who is an attorney and specializes in child care related issues) it was realized that there are ways around the rate issue but you can NOT outright charge a special needs child a higher rate than anyone else pays.

You can raise your rates across the board so that all families are paying more to help curb the costs incurred by a special needs family but you can't just charge them more.

[lovemykidstoo]

Yes, you can set your rates at whatever you want but legally you can NOT charge a family with a special needs child more than anyone else pays because of the special need.

Charging a different rate to families based on their care hours is a completely different topic and is not covered by any act or law which disabilities are.

It has gone back and forth and back and forth and ultimately after a phone call to the ADA, (as well as some input from Tom Copeland who is an attorney and specializes in child care related issues) it was realized that there are ways around the rate issue but you can NOT outright charge a special needs child a higher rate than anyone else pays.

You can raise your rates across the board so that all families are paying more to help curb the costs incurred by a special needs family but you can't just charge them more.

Does that vary according to state? I only ask because I know for a fact that there are daycare homes and daycare centers that charge more for infants than toddlers. woudln't that be the same type of thing or is it only if a child is "special needs"?

[Blackcat31]

Does that vary according to state? I only ask because I know for a fact that there are daycare homes and daycare centers that charge more for infants than toddlers. woudln't that be the same type of thing or is it only if a child is "special needs"?

Nope, not the same thing. You can charge families whatever you want provided it is not higher than any other family IF it is in relation to special needs. Disabilities are protected by law. Toileting abilities are not. definitely check out the thread I linked to in my post (#23) It explains alot.

Cheer~ Sorry, I took your thread off topic. I apologize.

[lovemykidstoo]

thanks blackcat!