Well I Knew It But Am Annoyed That Mom Lied To Me

[cheerfuldom]

I dont know why I am surprised at anything a parent does anymore.....

I took a toddler aged boy as a temporary child a few weeks ago with the understanding that mom would need care in the future for sure during a specific time period when her current provider was on vacation and possibly transition him to full time care at the new year.

loooonnng story short but I was prepared to say no to both future requests for a variety of reasons but stuck out the temporary care because I had already made the commitment and it was only temporary (two weeks). The temporary care is already completed BTW

I had a very strong feeling from day one that this child was special needs. I wont go into details but it was very obvious from day one. No, i am not a trained professional to diagnose him but I have taken care of enough kids to know that there was something up with this little guy. Mom assured me on several occasions (even before I asked if there were any special concerns) that he was not special needs which was a red flag to me that he was. Now she is advertising online for a weekend sitter and I know it is her (includes her full name which is not a common name) and has some details about her son's sensory disorders.

I am annoyed that she straight out lied to me when trying to get him into temporary care and is obviously prepared to continue this in order to hopefully bring him back in the future (I havent told her no to the future care yet) but yet she has no problem detailing the issues for a weekend sitter? I understand that parents react differently to having a diagnosis for a special needs child and perhaps this was her attempt to convince herself and anyone else that he didnt need extra attention. But I am telling you all, he needed A LOT of extra care and attention and it was VERY obvious after just one day that he has multiple issues going on. I really think that it is significant enough that you would have to be literally blind to not notice. I am frustrated though that she would put him in the care of someone that has no special needs training (aka me)......thats not what is best for him at all! she knows I have no training for this type of care and my contract and my interview goes over this.

Of course, I will not be taking him and will be letting the mom know this as well. I will not be saying why just because I dont want to get into it with her...just say that I no longer have the available spot but if she pushes it, I guess I will let her know the real reason....what do you think?

The real reason being that she has admitted that her son does have a medical diagnosis and some special needs considerations and 1. I dont provide the care necessary for this situation and 2. I do not provide care for parents that misrepresent/lie about the amount of care their child truly needs (leaving me and the child in an unfair position)

[itlw8]

Parents do not tell providers because they refuse to care for the children. they say I have no training... well they are not looking for a therapist to be with their chil 30 minutes a week, they need childcare like any other child

A child with delays is just that a child that is at a lower level than children his age. That is why mixed age groups would so well for them.

I am not trying to offend you nor do I know how off the wall this childs behaviors were but to turn away a child that has a diagnosis is wrong. In fact I have found those super intellegent children are more work than those who are delayed.

being lied to is bothersome but maybe they did not have a dianosis. maybe your questions encouraged them to now seek help. Maybe they still just have questions and symptoms.

[lovemykidstoo]

without knowing the exact special need that you're talking about it's hard to say, but maybe she didn't tell you because she was afraid of the reaction that you're having. Maybe she's been turned down several times before when she has been honest. I would really just plain ask her and if it's something that you can handle, but it's just more work, then ask her for a bit more money to watch him then. I kinda feel bad for her, it's probably not easy to find care for him if people are afraid of the title "special needs". But really, if it isn't something that you can handle, and there is nothing wrong with that, just be honest with her. You're mad because she wasn't honest with you, be honest with her. If you're apprehensive, that is nothing to feel bad about. Not everyone can work with special needs kids.

[BABYLUVER]

I had a drop-in mom do the same to me. She dropped off her child who had very severe autism. I should have seen the red flag when during our meeting, she didn't bring the child. She told me he was staying w/ grandma (SAT) and she needed care (MON) asap. So I agreed.

I got the child, he was non-verbal. I figured he was shy (he was only 3 years old) and it would take some time. She only needed me M, W, Fridays at first, then wanted to move to FT. The 3rd day is when I figured out something was very wrong I told mom I was going on a field trip to the grocery store and all the kids would be picking out a special treat.

She agreed, signed the form and we were on our way. NO mention of anything.

We got in the store, the child became suddenly a completely different person. He started screaming, crying, throwing a fit, laid down on the floor. I couldn't figure out why. My other dck's and my own children stared at him, some of them scared for him, others rolling their eyes. I had people looking at me funny as if I were abusing him or something. I picked him up, put him in the cart where he wailed out the door. We get home, he starts rocking back and forth. He would not speak. Never told me what was wrong.

I addressed this with mom, and the rocking is what clued me in. Turned out she "forgot" to tell me he had a severe form of autism! Because of the ages of my children and the things we did, I knew that he would not be a fit for full-time care but drop-in/part-time would be fine. I told her that I would rather her have told me the truth than her to lie to me (How do you "FORGET" your child's illness?) and act as if she just accidentally didn't remember to tell me! I told her that because she lied, I wouldn't be taking him back AT ALL. Had she prepared me, I could have helped them a lot more than her just letting me be surprised with it; I also would still have been willing to be her drop-in provider had she been honest and up front.

I will terminate anyone who lies regardless of the situation> after this situation, I decided to add this information in the interview.

[lovemykidstoo]

I had a drop-in mom do the same to me. She dropped off her child who had very severe autism. I should have seen the red flag when during our meeting, she didn't bring the child. She told me he was staying w/ grandma (SAT) and she needed care (MON) asap. So I agreed.

I got the child, he was non-verbal. I figured he was shy (he was only 3 years old) and it would take some time. She only needed me M, W, Fridays at first, then wanted to move to FT. The 3rd day is when I figured out something was very wrong I told mom I was going on a field trip to the grocery store and all the kids would be picking out a special treat.

She agreed, signed the form and we were on our way. NO mention of anything.

We got in the store, the child became suddenly a completely different person. He started screaming, crying, throwing a fit, laid down on the floor. I couldn't figure out why. My other dck's and my own children stared at him, some of them scared for him, others rolling their eyes. I had people looking at me funny as if I were abusing him or something. I picked him up, put him in the cart where he wailed out the door. We get home, he starts rocking back and forth. He would not speak. Never told me what was wrong.

I addressed this with mom, and the rocking is what clued me in. Turned out she "forgot" to tell me he had a severe form of autism! Because of the ages of my children and the things we did, I knew that he would not be a fit for full-time care but drop-in/part-time would be fine. I told her that I would rather her have told me the truth than her to lie to me (How do you "FORGET" your child's illness?) and act as if she just accidentally didn't remember to tell me! I told her that because she lied, I wouldn't be taking him back AT ALL. Had she prepared me, I could have helped them a lot more than her just letting me be surprised with it; I also would still have been willing to be her drop-in provider had she been honest and up front.

I will terminate anyone who lies regardless of the situation> after this situation, I decided to add this information in the interview.

That just makes me sad. What an injustice she did for her child. She basiclaly made him go through that by not telling you. If you would have known, you could have helped him so much better. Shame on her.

[EarthyMom]

As a mom of an autistic child

In the nicest way I need to say that Autism is not an illness, but a disability. I am not trying to be oversensitive, but just wanted to point that out.

Wow. I have some input on this.

First, if this mother knew her child had a disability or special need and purposefully did not disclose it, I am alarmed at what choices she will make for the child's lifetime. That would be very neglectful IMO.

Second, speaking generally in regard to all parents; I didn't know my son was autistic. I truly thought he was socially behind. I didn't know what autism was. I had a mental picture of a non verbal rocking child who hit themselves. My son doesn't do anything like that. He spoke very well, and hit all his milestones. Let me point out he is not "high functioning" or aspergers either. He is considered mid spectrum. All special needs children are very different. I truly thought he was socially behind. I thought I wasn't very interesting to him being a stay at home mother. I truly didn't know until I enrolled him in pre school to see if I could get him to be more social. My point is that sometimes due to ignorance or denial; the parent doesn't see their child's disability.

Third, I know personally to get regular care (not therapy based) by someone who has experience with Autism it would cost me 30.00 an hour. For this reason may daycare workers may have unethical parents try to dupe them. I don't condone this one bit. I also understand that I have a husband who supports us and if I were a single mother and needed care for my special needs child, SOL.

Fourth, this is exactly the reason I want to care for special needs children at an affordable rate. I would only do what I was qualified to. I am not suggesting to others to be a hero. These children should get what is best for them, and that means those that can learn to communicate with special needs children so they are given proper care.

Fifth, please know that even though I wouldn't bring my son to someone who didn't have high qualifications in the Autism field, I can say that any other child in his class (I observe every few months) would probably be 100% fine in a daycare atmosphere. Their communication skills are much more advanced than my childs. A mainstream daycare could accomodate many autistic children that are verbal and obviously that have little to no sensory issues (auditory, visual, tactile). Even if the child can say they want or need something specific.. if they appear troubled or overstimulated they are having majoy anxiety due to sensory overload. They should be with someone who knows how to address it professionally and theraputically. Most Special Needs Programs start at 3 yrs old. Instruct the parent to write a letter the the special services department of their school township and by law they must agree to interview the parent and observe the child for eligability into a program, as well as pay for an evaluation by an appropriated Medical Specialist i.e. Child Development Dr., Pediatric Neurologist, ect.

Last but not least, please respond to my questions when you see them even if you don't think you know the perfect answer. I love and so much appreciate feedback and thoughts. Thanks for reading my book! ::

[Willow]

Of course, I will not be taking him and will be letting the mom know this as well. I will not be saying why just because I dont want to get into it with her...just say that I no longer have the available spot but if she pushes it, I guess I will let her know the real reason....what do you think?

The real reason being that she has admitted that her son does have a medical diagnosis and some special needs considerations and 1. I dont provide the care necessary for this situation and 2. I do not provide care for parents that misrepresent/lie about the amount of care their child truly needs (leaving me and the child in an unfair position)

I would tell her the truth whether she pushes for it or not, and I'd let her know now rather than later so you can move on and not wonder when you're finally going to get that phone call bugging you for details.

Avoiding it won't be doing her or any future providers any favors.

Doesn't have to be a long lecture and if the conversation takes a turn for the worst you can politely tell her best of luck and hang up. Just explain that her son is the way he is, nothing she should be embarrassed about, but that she does need to be honest about that in the future. Not doing so is doing a great disservice to him and is going to alienate any future providers from ever wanting to work with her.

I would make clear the reason you're not open to working with her again is that she lied to you, not because you couldn't handle his issues.

If a parent gets uppity I'd much rather they spread the word that I'm picky integrity wise instead of incapable of handling children. Plus it'll drive the point home that while it may be a big harder to find just the right care for him lying about his issues will make things infinitely harder than even that.

[Willow]

I would really just plain ask her and if it's something that you can handle, but it's just more work, then ask her for a bit more money to watch him then.

Charging the family of a disabled child more than other families in your care is against the law according to the ADA (with rare and extreme exceptions).

It is considered a form of discrimination and trying to do so can cause you to not only lose your license but leave you open to being sued both civilly as well as by the US DOJ.

http://www.ada.gov/childq%26a.htm

[lovemykidstoo]

Charging the family of a disabled child more than other families in your care is against the law according to the ADA (with rare and extreme exceptions).

It is considered a form of discrimination and trying to do so can cause you to not only lose your license but leave you open to being sued both civilly as well as by the US DOJ.


http://www.ada.gov/childq%26a.htm

You're absolutely right. I don't know what I was thinking. That was ignorant on my part.

[Nickel]

That is just awful! I can see WHY she would lie, especially if she really needed care, but it really isn't helping her child at all!

My friend is watching a child who has some disabilities. Not sure what because I am NOT schooled on that area at all. dcm said he's slow. Maybe that's true but at 3 he is non verbal, bounces off the walls. Doesn't really respond to verbal directions. You have to basically lead him wherever you want him to go. He moans and grunts, but no words at all. Not even mom or dad, nothing. He is a sweet child, but he really is a handful.

I think it is definitely something that should be disclosed so that you can be sure you are capable of providing appropriate care. I had a lady contact me asking if I accepted autistic children. It's not that I don't, I just don't have experience in that area. And that is what I told her. i am sorry, but I do not have experience working with autistic children. I would feel very uncomfortable and ill prepared.

But when you do talk to mom, make it clear that you are not terminating care because her child is special needs. You are terminating care because mom lied to you and the parent provider bond is something that needs to be respected on both sides, kwim?

[BABYLUVER]

Charging the family of a disabled child more than other families in your care is against the law according to the ADA (with rare and extreme exceptions).

It is considered a form of discrimination and trying to do so can cause you to not only lose your license but leave you open to being sued both civilly as well as by the US DOJ.


http://www.ada.gov/childq%26a.htm

It is not in CO. Our subsidized program even pays more for children with disabilities. It's not that one is getting paid FOR the child's being disabled---they're getting paid more because of the responsibility that comes with handling kids with certain disabilities.

[lovemykidstoo]

It is not in CO. Our subsidized program even pays more for children with disabilities. It's not that one is getting paid FOR the child's being disabled---they're getting paid more because of the responsibility that comes with handling kids with certain disabilities.

That is basically what I was trying to say before when I said charge more. I was getting to the idea that some people charge more for infants because they require more work/attention. Not to discriminate against children with disabilities.

[cheerfuldom]

Parents do not tell providers because they refuse to care for the children. they say I have no training... well they are not looking for a therapist to be with their chil 30 minutes a week, they need childcare like any other child

A child with delays is just that a child that is at a lower level than children his age. That is why mixed age groups would so well for them.

I am not trying to offend you nor do I know how off the wall this childs behaviors were but to turn away a child that has a diagnosis is wrong. In fact I have found those super intellegent children are more work than those who are delayed.

being lied to is bothersome but maybe they did not have a dianosis. maybe your questions encouraged them to now seek help. Maybe they still just have questions and symptoms.

I understand what you are saying but I believe the parents did have a diagnosis at the time I watched him. The temporary care ended within days of the ad for a weekend sitter and the ad states specifics of his diagnosis....it wasnt just an outline of delays or symptoms. As for the special care needed, mom asked for numerous "special" type situations that were related to his diagnosis (I can see this now) and he really does need a trained individual for the care required. I dont want to go into details for privacy reasons but suffice it to say that I would personally feel that I would be doing an injustice to this child to be treating them as "a lower level than his age"....there was definitely more going on there than just that. I actually have another special needs girl in care that is as you describe, a lower level than her age. She does require a lot more attention than any of the other kids even close to her age but she attends therapy and a specialized preschool and I am a part time caregiver for her. In this case, I feel that my environment is an asset to her (having some time in a "mainstream" program) and not something that is either taking too much from the other kids or keeping her from the appropriate care/training that she does need. I am not heartless. I will always try to make things work if I can especially since I have the experience of a special needs brother.

[cheerfuldom]

I had a drop-in mom do the same to me. She dropped off her child who had very severe autism. I should have seen the red flag when during our meeting, she didn't bring the child. She told me he was staying w/ grandma (SAT) and she needed care (MON) asap. So I agreed.

I got the child, he was non-verbal. I figured he was shy (he was only 3 years old) and it would take some time. She only needed me M, W, Fridays at first, then wanted to move to FT. The 3rd day is when I figured out something was very wrong I told mom I was going on a field trip to the grocery store and all the kids would be picking out a special treat.

She agreed, signed the form and we were on our way. NO mention of anything.

We got in the store, the child became suddenly a completely different person. He started screaming, crying, throwing a fit, laid down on the floor. I couldn't figure out why. My other dck's and my own children stared at him, some of them scared for him, others rolling their eyes. I had people looking at me funny as if I were abusing him or something. I picked him up, put him in the cart where he wailed out the door. We get home, he starts rocking back and forth. He would not speak. Never told me what was wrong.

I addressed this with mom, and the rocking is what clued me in. Turned out she "forgot" to tell me he had a severe form of autism! Because of the ages of my children and the things we did, I knew that he would not be a fit for full-time care but drop-in/part-time would be fine. I told her that I would rather her have told me the truth than her to lie to me (How do you "FORGET" your child's illness?) and act as if she just accidentally didn't remember to tell me! I told her that because she lied, I wouldn't be taking him back AT ALL. Had she prepared me, I could have helped them a lot more than her just letting me be surprised with it; I also would still have been willing to be her drop-in provider had she been honest and up front.

I will terminate anyone who lies regardless of the situation> after this situation, I decided to add this information in the interview.

thank you for sharing that. This is exactly how I felt....mom lied to me and then set up her son for a very hard two weeks for both him and I because she was trying to fit him into a program that was not right for him. She should have been completely honest with his needs and I could have then been completely honest with what I could and could not provide for him. I really do feel for parents that have special needs children and are having to figure out childcare/schooling/etc. as I witnessed this every day growing up with my brother (and have provided care for him off and on even though he is an adult). It is not right to use the excuse "well no one will take him if I tell them the truth" in order to get him into a program that is not right for him. Its the parents responsibility to find and pay for the appropriate program for their children....not the providers responsibility to revamp everything in order to accommodate one child.

[cheerfuldom]

In the nicest way I need to say that Autism is not an illness, but a disability. I am not trying to be oversensitive, but just wanted to point that out.

Wow. I have some input on this.

First, if this mother knew her child had a disability or special need and purposefully did not disclose it, I am alarmed at what choices she will make for the child's lifetime. That would be very neglectful IMO.

Second, speaking generally in regard to all parents; I didn't know my son was autistic. I truly thought he was socially behind. I didn't know what autism was. I had a mental picture of a non verbal rocking child who hit themselves. My son doesn't do anything like that. He spoke very well, and hit all his milestones. Let me point out he is not "high functioning" or aspergers either. He is considered mid spectrum. All special needs children are very different. I truly thought he was socially behind. I thought I wasn't very interesting to him being a stay at home mother. I truly didn't know until I enrolled him in pre school to see if I could get him to be more social. My point is that sometimes due to ignorance or denial; the parent doesn't see their child's disability.

Third, I know personally to get regular care (not therapy based) by someone who has experience with Autism it would cost me 30.00 an hour. For this reason may daycare workers may have unethical parents try to dupe them. I don't condone this one bit. I also understand that I have a husband who supports us and if I were a single mother and needed care for my special needs child, SOL.

Fourth, this is exactly the reason I want to care for special needs children at an affordable rate. I would only do what I was qualified to. I am not suggesting to others to be a hero. These children should get what is best for them, and that means those that can learn to communicate with special needs children so they are given proper care.

Fifth, please know that even though I wouldn't bring my son to someone who didn't have high qualifications in the Autism field, I can say that any other child in his class (I observe every few months) would probably be 100% fine in a daycare atmosphere. Their communication skills are much more advanced than my childs. A mainstream daycare could accomodate many autistic children that are verbal and obviously that have little to no sensory issues (auditory, visual, tactile). Even if the child can say they want or need something specific.. if they appear troubled or overstimulated they are having majoy anxiety due to sensory overload. They should be with someone who knows how to address it professionally and theraputically. Most Special Needs Programs start at 3 yrs old. Instruct the parent to write a letter the the special services department of their school township and by law they must agree to interview the parent and observe the child for eligability into a program, as well as pay for an evaluation by an appropriated Medical Specialist i.e. Child Development Dr., Pediatric Neurologist, ect.

Last but not least, please respond to my questions when you see them even if you don't think you know the perfect answer. I love and so much appreciate feedback and thoughts. Thanks for reading my book! ::

thank you for your thoughtful post. on a side note, this particular child has not been diagnosed with Autism but there are very significant sensory disorders in addition to further diagnosis' which as you said, made him have a high level of anxiety to be placed here at my home. It was very unfair for mom to do that to me and to him. I did my best with him for the temporary care but I know full well that I cannot keep up with his needs in addition to my 3 kids, my baby on the way, and 5 other daycare kids.