Should I Take a Whole Day Off for My Grandmother's Funeral?

[MaritimeMummy]

She was my great-grandmother, 99 years and 11 months! We don't know if the funeral will be Tuesday or Wednesday, I find out today. I have one mother who would take the whole day off, no problem (and this is the mom of the girl who is leaving me this week, so I'd lose a day with her but I'd already feel bad because our time with her is so short). Another child is my cousin's little guy...well, she was her great-grandmother, too, so she'd pull her son whatever day it's on anyway.

My problem lies with my full time DKC. Her mom runs a business from home and has insinuated that she can only reschedule clients in the morning for during the funeral( (funerals always happen between 10 and 11am here), but then the afternoon DKC HAS to come here. Which, right now I'm thinking well, I'm not upset over her passing, she lived a long, great life and I'm not sad...but honestly, I can't tell what I will be feeling AFTER the funeral. I don't know...should I take her in the afternoon? She'd be kinda screwed for childcare...she is very understanding of the situation and she hasn't come right out and said that I need to be back to care for her in the afternoon, but she's been saying all kinds of other things like, "I can take the morning off and come over to your house and watch the children while you go. Or I can help out your mother-in-law until you get back". So she's basically offering this to put insurance on me coming home and making sure I take her daughter for the rest of the day. Obviously I am not going to take her up on that, and my MIL will watch my own children but not someone else's, so she HAS to find care for during that time, definitely, or just not work.

I already said that I'm probably going to be able to take her in the afternoon, whatever day it is, but does a "probably" tie me in when it's a funeral we're dealing with? I just don't know how I'm going to feel on the day of...

[Crazy8]

I do think you need to give a definite yes or no to them today - not a "probably". But for me I would take the entire day. When parents sign up with me they know they need to have alternate care options - I do not provide substitutes, etc. and while I do not close often I expect my families to deal with finding their own back ups if I do need to. Do not make her problem your problem. Sorry to hear about your great-grandmother - so wonderful that she lived such a great, long life though!!

That said though, I don't usually close at all for funerals of aunts, uncles, non-relatives, etc. - I go to the viewing in the evening and if my DH can be home with the kids I will go to the services in the mornings. Only funerals I actually closed for were my sister in laws and the baby sister of one of my daycare kids. But I've never lost a grandparent while doing daycare so depending on relationship I would either just do the viewing at night or take the entire day.

[Annalee]

I am not sure what your contract/policies state, but I feel funerals qualify for emergency/personal days. I have unlimited emergency days listed in my contract. This includes when there is sickness or death in the family or even if, for some reason, we loose electricity or water due to state requirements. I have learned that parents will intimidate you with making you feel they have no other means of backup childcare, but that is not my problem. During the interview, I specify how they need to have backup child care in place. These are just some things my mentor has shared with me and, when implemented into my program, alleviates alot of stress.

[Meyou]

When you find out the day I would tell her you'll be busy with family for the entire day. I'm sorry for your loss. You're very lucky to have her in your life for so long. <3

[MaritimeMummy]

I think what stresses me out the most about this isn't that she'd have to rebook her appointments for her business, but rather that I'd be asking her to do that at very last minute. I mean, she passed away early Friday morning. It's Monday morning now. My mother guesses no later than Wednesday. I am such a hard-a*s in a lot of areas of day care but when it comes to expectations of the parents with last minute notice, I feel like that is MY problem. This is probably something I have to personally get over, but for me, if I found out today that the funeral would be say, Tuesday of next week, then I would have no problem taking the whole day off because she'll have had lots of time to plan for it. Whereas I'm essentially giving her less than 48 hours notice. That isnt cool with me. :-(

[AnneCordelia]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I also would not allow her to make her problems my problems. I would take the entire day. Funerals aren't just to honour the dead but also to support the living. Would your presence at the wake be meaningful to your parents? Your extended family?

I also require my parents to have backup care for just such emergencies. I don't close often (once in the last two years) so I don't feel guilt when I do have to close.

[jojosmommy]

I would take the whole day. Otherwise you are going to be consumed with time, focusing on how to get back in time for her kid to be dropped off.

I think its rude she would even make a big deal of it. I know its last minute notice but funerals are something you can not plan ahead for. I would be really upset she is treating you like this.

I tell every person interviewing they need 2 backup plans. That way when stuff like this comes up I know they were told part of enrollment included two back up plans.

I always think about it in the big picture. If this lady leaves your daycare in a month or something are you going to regret not being able to spend the whole day with your family. I have done too many favors for people and put them before myself and family and I don't do it anymore. In my house (and business) its family first, sorry for the inconvience.

[sharlan]

I think you should take the entire day off to spend with your extended family.

[saved4always]

I am sorry for your loss of your great-grandmother.

I personally would take the whole day if I felt that I would need it. I wouldn't want to have to worry during the funeral about whether I would be back in time for daycare kids. With in-home daycare, parents should have backup/sub that they can use in case of emergencies. A family funeral is a time when they should understand that they may need to make other arrangements for thier kids.

When I worked full time, I sent my boys to a daycare center because I did not want to have to worry about back up if my provider had an emergency. I would have gotten written up if I took more than 5 days in a year so, with my kids constantly being sick, there were no days I could take for the provider's issues. When parents choose an in-home childcare provider, it is part of the gig that they need to have back up care for emergencies.

As for the "probably" part, if this mom is like my kids, she most likely heard that "yes", you will be there to watch her child that afternoon. If the times don't work though when you get them today, I would not hesitate to tell her so. If the funeral ends up being later, I would not miss it because a parents wants to hear "yes" when you said "maybe".

[MaritimeMummy]

I don't close often (once in the last two years) so I don't feel guilt when I do have to close.

I really don't, either. Even on days when I have appointments or the kids have appointments, I schedule it for either as early or as late in the day as I can, and I still accept kids around it. I also schedule on the days when I have the least number of kids, usually Fridays since I only have this one full time DCG that we are talking about now.

I'm really being pressured now, I just got a call from another DCM, the one who is moving away the end of this week and this is the last week I have her daughter in care. She just called and chewed me out because I "haven't been keeping her up-to-speed on what's going on" and because of that, *I* need to find someone to watch the children because she can't take the day off.

...yes, you read that right. She just told me that she refuses to find alternate care and that I either have to ask my husband to take the day off work to keep both our kids AND my DCKs, or I have to accept that I will miss the funeral.

I told her that I can't give her any more information than I already know, which is nothing, and that I will probably know more later today. But she was PI**ED. I am really hoping it will be next week now since it is so late already...

Apparently her body has not even been moved from the nursing home yet. She has to go from the home to the hospital to the medical examiner, to the funeral home, etc. I don't know anything about the length of time needed to schedule a funeral. She will be cremated so there wouldn't be any time crunch, but knowing my mother and grandfather they will want to do it as soon as possible "just to get it over and done". So, I am torn. I had problems standing up to one parent over this, now I am getting it even worse from another parent. I am so depressed. :-(

[saved4always]

Now that is just ridiculous! She should have started looking for alternate care for her child the second she heard that there was a death in your family! These things are always last minute to find out the plans. No one can plan them around a work schedule. That is why many work places give employess 1 to 3 bereavement days depending on the closeness of the relationship. Or they allow personal days or vacation days to be used. Don't give into her, especially since this is her kid's last week with you. Who cares what she wants/needs!? Instead of being sympathetic because someone DIED, these people are trying to make you feel guilty about going to a FUNERAL! I never fail to be shocked by the selfishness of people.

[SilverSabre25]

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry about your loss. And I'm also so sorry that your dcps are being pills about this. Especially the one chewing you out! That would be absolutely unacceptable to me and it's good she's moving because I'd be considering terming!

It does sound like there's a lot to have happen before the funeral will be happening. Take all the time that you need and certainly take the whole day of the funeral. With the way your dcps are treating you, the passive-aggressive side of my would be tempted to take a whole week, "mom needs help planning it" or something...it never ceases to amaze me when dcps don't understand that our lives extend beyond the daycare.

[MaritimeMummy]

((HUGS)) ...it's good she's moving because I'd be considering terming!

HA! Yeah, there have been MANY things that has happened with this DCM that I have considered terming over but I always just brushed things that she did off as just being a complete airhead (confirmed by my husband and his parents since they knew her since she was a child). But since she told me she was moving away, she's been difficult and snarky and very short with me, trying to take advantage of me and completely losing her mind when I put my foot down when she tries to cross the line. Even sent me a very horrible email claiming I had no sympathy for her as a single mother who is going through a very trying time, both financially, mentally, and physically, and that because she had been with me "since the beginning" (meaning she was the first and only kid in my care between Sept. '11 and Jan. '12) that I should show her some preferential treatment. Uh, yeah. Right. Anyway, totally off the topic at hand but just to show you what sort of woman this is, she's only gotten worse and more hateful since she said she was moving. If DCG was here even 1 week more than she is now, I'd term right now.

As for the other mother, she's nicer about it anyway...passive aggressive is always nicer than straight-up aggression. ;-)

[e.j.]

I'm really being pressured now, I just got a call from another DCM, the one who is moving away the end of this week and this is the last week I have her daughter in care. She just called and chewed me out because I "haven't been keeping her up-to-speed on what's going on" and because of that, *I* need to find someone to watch the children because she can't take the day off.

Wow! Talk about rude and inconsiderate. If I were in your place, I would apologize for the inconvenience but plan to close the day of the funeral. I would let the day care parents know that I would update them on the day as soon as I had that information. (Even if I had planned to re-open after the funeral was over, I would change my mind after receiving a call like that!)

[AfterSchoolMom]

First of all, the second DCM would be out right now if it were me. I'd just inform her that you're finished and that she can pick up her child's things today. She should be ashamed of herself for treating you that way over a death in the immediate family!

I agree with everyone else that you should probably just inform the first DCM that you need the whole day off, and will let her know asap which day it is when you know. It's Monday, so she'll have the whole day today and maybe tomorrow too to find an alternate.