At a Loss

[Crazy8]

I would probably term them due to lack of trust. Honestly, I probably would have replied right back to dcd when you got that mistaken text that if he has his doubts he is welcome to come right over and pick up his child and that he can consider this his 2 weeks notice.

I understand the situation isn't ideal, and I can even see the parents side a bit, but first, your son has NOT be convicted of any crime at this point, and while I don't know the severity of the charge, does this parent think you are letting him do drugs in the house???? Really, I would term on a trust issue. I would NOT deal with a parent who does not have faith that I can keep their children safe AND I would not deal with parents who are basically not "allowing" my own children in my home. Sorry, but my own kids come first, no matter what dumb mistake they may have made!!!

[Willow]

If it was an issue of him not trusting you he never would have left his child there after seeing the car.

I too would take the high road and reassure them you're taking the situation seriously and he won't be around during daycare hours until further notice.


Giving them the boot may come across as overly defensive. If I were you I'd do my best to make the entire thing a non-issue.

As far as DCD knowing, I'd rather he knew and felt comfortable enough to discuss it rather than just turn tail and pull his kiddo. Obviously this family is giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're handling it to their satisfaction or he wouldnt still be in your care. Can't blame them for being suspicious about seeing the car, anyone would naturally assume the exact same thing.

[e.j.]

If it was an issue of him not trusting you he never would have left his child there after seeing the car.

I too would take the high road and reassure them you're taking the situation seriously and he won't be around during daycare hours until further notice.


Giving them the boot may come across as overly defensive. If I were you I'd do my best to make the entire thing a non-issue.

As far as DCD knowing, I'd rather he knew and felt comfortable enough to discuss it rather than just turn tail and pull his kiddo. Obviously this family is giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're handling it to their satisfaction or he wouldnt still be in your care. Can't blame them for being suspicious about seeing the car, anyone would naturally assume the exact same thing.

This is along the lines of what I was thinking. If it were me, I'd let the parents know I got the text meant for dcm and I'd let them know that I'm concerned about the issue of trust but I don't think I'd term over it. With your son's car in the driveway, I can understand where dcd might have his doubts. It's not always easy to be as trusting of others as you'd like to be when you're concerned about your child.

[littlemissmuffet]

I'd term... for 2 reasons.

1) Dad pretty much accused you of lying - I can't work with a family that doesn't trust me.

2) I can't work with a family I can't trust. Where did dad's info come from and why is he spreading it around without knowing all the facts? :confused:

[Truly Scrumptious]

You were a lot nicer than I would have been.
If my son had done this, and he was not violating any rules by being in his own home, I would not have accommmodated this family. That just starts trouble, because now they will come to expect this "special" treatment no matter what the issue.

It's not their business...you do not have to share personal information with your families. The only time I would feel like I needed to do that would be if it were public knowledge and I wanted to reassure the families and explain the situation. But, nothing else, no promises of anything.

If I had families that felt uncomfortable about it and wanted to leave.....so be it....they just did me a big favor....if they don't trust my judgement anymore than that, then they made the right decision to not allow me to care for their child.

[JenNJ]

I would term. For a few reasons.

#1 -- Your son has no convictions. He has a clear background check. He is legally allowed to be there. You went above and beyond to make other arrangements. They are still suspicious. That says to me that they place more stock in assumptions and gossip than in honesty.

#2 -- He knows the text went to you. He realized his mistake. No apology, no bringing it up to explain? Be a man and stand behind your actions.

#3 -- At the end of the day, you need to stand up for your son. Yes, he made a mistake, but that doesn't mean he is a bad person. It means he made a bad choice. This is my home and my children's home. Young or old, my kids can come home whenever they want.

#4 -- What these parents are doing is unethical and probably illegal. I doubt they have the authority as a dispatcher to look into someone's record. If I had suspicions that they did get this info illegally, I would probably sue the county.

[Willow]

1. You cannot sue the county because a 911 dispatch officer did his job and subsequently was concerned about their own child's safety.

2. According to the OP the parents never asked her to keep her son out of the home, that's an accommodation she freely offered her daycare parents on her own accord.

3. I personally think it's pretty hypocritical to criticise dad for "overhearing" information on the situation but it's completely fine that OP was privy to what was supposed to be a confidential text to his wife. Difference is dad was doing his job, as a dispatcher he doesn't pick and chose what he hears and has to respond to. In response they were open, honest, and he and his wife continued to exhibit their trust and confidence by continuing to bring their child, while provider overhears a private and obviously minor concern and that's all of a sudden grounds to completely annihilate a contract and uproot a child who's completely faultless in all of this.



I'd be dipped if my child's drug use led to the dissolve of a relationship with one of my families or created this kind of drama in my life. Sure kids make mistakes but I'm straight shocked at how some here are discussing an arrest regarding DRUGS. This isn't being late for curfew or putting a scratch in the car.....just holy buckets......my kids wouldn't have the gall to even ask me to come back into my home after pulling such a stunt, nor would I be wasting my time setting them up somewhere else.

[Willow]

Um, yeah COMPLETELY unethical in my opinion! NOT cool that he knows and NOT cool that he is talking about it!

Not sure about where OP is at but most arrests are public record. Heck, loads of them are put smack dab in the newspapers.

One of the first things I do when I get a few foster is google up their parents records.


It isn't hard or illegal to do in any way shape or form, nor is it illegal to discuss.

Don't like it, simply keep your nose clean.

[Blackcat31]

Not sure about where OP is at but most arrests are public record. Heck, loads of them are put smack dab in the newspapers.

One of the first things I do when I get a few foster is google up their parents records.


It isn't hard or illegal to do in any way shape or form, nor is it illegal to discuss.

Don't like it, simply keep your nose clean.

The only records here that are published in the newspaper are cases where the person is actually found guilty.

Being arrested doesn't mean someone is guilty so I still stand by what I said, DCD discussing this case is unethical. If he is concerned about his child, he has other means of addressing it without talking about a case that he (or the OP) is NOT directly involved with.

[Willow]

The only records here that are published in the newspaper are cases where the person is actually found guilty.

Being arrested doesn't mean someone is guilty so I still stand by what I said, DCD discussing this case is unethical. If he is concerned about his child, he has other means of addressing it without talking about a case that he (or the OP) is NOT directly involved with.

Since I know you're in MN check out the St Cloud Times. They (and most other newspapers I've ever read) publish police activity regularly...includes arrests, fires, car accidents etc. That's on top of convictions.

Feel free to also check out Stearns or Sherburne County jail inmate rosters. Anyone arrested and booked is listed, whether they're convicted or not is moot.


There are a whole lot of assumptions being made here about what DCD is discussing with who. The only thing we know for sure s that he sent A text to his wife with a minor concern. I say minor because again, even after he saw what he saw he still left his child there without blowing up at OP with accusations.

Criminal history, conviction or not, is all public record. We're not talking gag order or HIPPA laws, and our rights protect our desire to talk about anything we want to beyond that, especially to our own spouses when it comes to the well-being of our own children.

[Blackcat31]

I guess each county can print whatever they want as mine only prints guilty verdicts although I also know of a website for the state that can check people's criminal records from ALL counties in the state but even on that site the only entries are people who are guilty, NOT suspected.

(Name searches for criminal/traffic/petty case records WILL NOT return 'preconviction records.' A 'preconviction record' is a record for which there is no conviction as defined by Minn. Stat. 609.02, subd. 5 (2004).)

Again, I NEVER said illegal, I said unethical and I still think it is unethical for DCD to be talking about this case.

If he is worried about the safety of his child (which you pointed out, he can't be too worried as he left the child there) he can terminate IMPO.

[Willow]

Just as an example:

http://m.sctimes.com/news/article?a=2012306130033&f=2560&ref=search

I guess I fail to see how a child's father discussing a concern about something he saw with the child's mother is unethical.

Nor do I agree that me discussing the above case with you or anyone else for that matter could be defined that way either.

[DCMom]

I'd be dipped if my child's drug use led to the dissolve of a relationship with one of my families or created this kind of drama in my life. Sure kids make mistakes but I'm straight shocked at how some here are discussing an arrest regarding DRUGS. This isn't being late for curfew or putting a scratch in the car.....just holy buckets......my kids wouldn't have the gall to even ask me to come back into my home after pulling such a stunt, nor would I be wasting my time setting them up somewhere else.

Hmmm, must be nice to be a perfect parent with perfect kids. Can I venture a guess? Your kids aren't anywhere near the teenage years with a drivers license, right? Kids do stupid things, make stupid choices. That doesn't make them bad kids.

The op never said anything about a 'drug arrest', she said her son had to go to court. Having a small amount of weed or a pack of papers during a traffic stop will land you in court in Minnesota.

[lucky]

Just for the record, it was not dcd expressing concern I was upset with, it was that after I was completely honest and open with them he asked me a question which I truthfully answered and he responded that he thought I was lying.

Willow, I sure do hope your perfect children remain so. This situation is not one I ever thought I would be dealing with my son is basically a good kid who made a bad choice and got caught. Be that as it may be I don't plan to disown him.

[crazydaycarelady]

I also would probably have a talk with them. I would explain that you received the text by mistake, you can see they don't trust you, and after 6 years of care you feel like you can't continue.

I have had a similar issue once where after 5-6 years a dcd came to pick up his child. I told him that the child was complaining of his head hurting (meaning a headache.) He looked at his child and said "Did someone hurt you?! It was the same thing! I thought to myself "Are you kidding me? If after 6 years of care you think someone here would hurt your child then I can't go on." I ended up having a "meeting" with dcd where he told me how much he loved and appreciated me. I did continue to watch for them but I felt better getting the trust thing out on the table.

Good luck!