Help for an 11-Year-Old

[professionalmom]

I think I can rule out ADHD, (not that I was seriously considering it anyway). Since we homeschool her, she took end of the year tests. She just finished fifth grade. For her, 5.7 is normal because she was in 5th grade, 7 months into the school year - that's how they got the 5.7. They then compare it to National Grade Equivelent.

Reading total - 6.4 (so she did work equivelent to four months into 6th grade)

Language total - 8.5 (with puctuation and usage/expression at 10.4 and 9.8)

Mathematics total - 7.7

Social Studies - 5.3 (slightly behind her 5.7 but basically normal)

Science - 7.7

Maps/diagrams/reference - 8.8

All I can say is WOW and WOW. I knew she was a smart cookie but I had no idea she was this smart. You should see her right now (well a couple of hours ago - we had to celebrate first) she is one proud little girl - and rightly so!! Maybe she just has so much in her head that something (like reminding herself to clean up her messes) had to go.::::::

I can't remember where I have heard it, but I thought that it is quite common for geniuses to be messy and disorganized (at least to the outside observer - the genius knows where everything is). Sure, it could be a sign of laziness. But in her case, I'd say she so smart, she forgets to do the mundane things. These results deserve a HUGE celebration. You go GIRL!!! Keep it up. Oh, and boys have cooties - stay away from them until you are done with grad school!

[fctjc1979]

Any ideas on how to celebrate with no money? We're broke right now. I feel so bad because I can't even take her out for supper. So far, we've called or e-mailed all of our relatives, made up silly songs (I know that sounds dumb but they just came out), and I have gushed over and over. I really think this deserves more, and I can usually come up with non-financial rewards, but I can't seem to think of anything for this one.

[Michael]

My daughter will be turning 11 in a few days. I’ve been having some discussions with my husband about her lately (never in front of her) because he seems to think that she is just lazy. I, on the other hand, think that she does a lot more than other kids her age.

She takes care of two dogs and a cat, does the dishes, does some laundry, helps with the daycare kids, changes a lot of her one-year-old sister’s diapers (she knows this pregnancy is making me really nauseous so she volunteers), helps my husband take care of the flowers outside, cleans the kitchen, takes out the trash, straightens up the living room, helps me take care of her sister, and occasionally cleans a toilet. On top of all that (and more odds and ends stuff that’s hard to list), she does her homeschooling work. Some of the stuff we ask her to do and some of it she does on her own.

What really gets my husband is that she is messy. She has absolutely no concept of clean-as-you-go. She leaves messes all around the house. She has no problem with cleaning up these messes when we tell her to, she’s just a natural slob. She also doesn’t always finish the jobs she starts. She gets them mostly done, but then skips the last step. At this point, I think a lot of that is because my husband often has her stop what she’s doing to help him with something else and then she forgets to go back and finish. He has her doing something all the time. It seems to me like she’s constantly working.

A little about my husband: he is not my daughter’s biological father, but other than this constant need to have her doing some chore, they get along great, love to go do things together, and just generally love each other. My husband grew up with parents who didn’t do much of anything in the way of keeping house. In his words, he had to live in filth. He and his siblings washed out their own clothes in the bathtub. They basically had to take care of themselves. It’s one of the reasons that messes just drive my husband crazy. He was in the marines for years, then the regular army, and now the National Guard. He will be going on his sixth deployment starting July 27 of this year. He is also a correctional officer at a women’s prison. His life is all about order and rules: another reason that my daughter’s messes drive him crazy. I understand all this about him, but it’s still hard when I see him nitpick at her all the time. The one person he has respected his entire life is his brother because his brother did what he could to take care of him. When we went to visit his brother, he told my husband that he should praise my daughter more because she was such a big helper and was being treated more like a maid than a daughter. My husband actually paused at that one and seemed to consider it. I really thought that, coming from his brother, things might start changing for the better, but they haven’t.

I also know that I can be a bit sensitive when it comes to her. She has had a pretty hard life. She didn’t have a father for 7 years until I got married to my husband. Anyway, she’s been through a lot and I can be kind of paranoid about people not treating her right.

My husband has recently started mentioning things like getting her tested for ADHD or sending her to military school. He said it kind of jokingly but I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t have mentioned it at all if the thought hadn’t actually crossed his mind seriously at some point. I’m totally lost on what to do here. I tend to think this is normal 10-11 year old behavior. I just can’t seem to convince HIM of that.

I know this is a forum about daycare issues, so this really isn’t the right place for this post. And I’m sorry it’s so long, but I could really use some insight on this. I’ve tried to be as honest as possible so you guys can get a clear picture of the situation.

Your daughter sounds great! I also have an 11 year old daughter. She does more chores then my daughter and she empathizes with your stressful situation which shows she is highly intelligent for her age. So she is messy, most kids are. Kids need to have the freedom to be lazy and messy sometimes. I think it’s normal. I am constantly telling my kids to clean up after themselves.

The daughter/father relationship is very important at her age even though he is not the biological father. It is obvious that he cares for her and wants her to succeed but he seems to be overly micro-managing the situation. We fathers see the perils and temptations in the world today. With your husband working at a woman’s correctional facility, that would put the fear in any father as to what can happen when things go wrong. I would be wondering the same thing in that line of work; how did they turn out this way? Nip it in the bud at an early age is what he must be thinking. We try to control too much of our surroundings and can be overbearing. It is out of love and the feeling that we need to be in control and it will be our fault if something goes wrong. That’s just added stress that a household doesn’t need.

Counseling is something to consider for all of you in a group setting. We did it for several months and it was very helpful. It will give you an objective view of what is happening in your inter-relationships. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. We also home-school our children so I know you are sacrificing a lot of your time and energy. You seem to have a good handle on it. Make sure all of you talk about your feelings and concerns. Your daughter sounds like a gem. She will turn out just fine.

[fctjc1979]

Your daughter sounds great! I also have an 11 year old daughter. She does more chores then my daughter and she empathizes with your stressful situation which shows she is highly intelligent for her age. So she is messy, most kids are. Kids need to have the freedom to be lazy and messy sometimes. I think it’s normal. I am constantly telling my kids to clean up after themselves.

The daughter/father relationship is very important at her age even though he is not the biological father. It is obvious that he cares for her and wants her to succeed but he seems to be overly micro-managing the situation. We fathers see the perils and temptations in the world today. With your husband working at a woman’s correctional facility, that would put the fear in any father as to what can happen when things go wrong. I would be wondering the same thing in that line of work; how did they turn out this way? Nip it in the bud at an early age is what he must be thinking. We try to control too much of our surroundings and can be overbearing. It is out of love and the feeling that we need to be in control and it will be our fault if something goes wrong. That’s just added stress that a household doesn’t need.

Counseling is something to consider for all of you in a group setting. We did it for several months and it was very helpful. It will give you an objective view of what is happening in your inter-relationships. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. We also home-school our children so I know you are sacrificing a lot of your time and energy. You seem to have a good handle on it. Make sure all of you talk about your feelings and concerns. Your daughter sounds like a gem. She will turn out just fine.

Thanks michael. Your comments are very insightful. I know that a lot of that is going through my husband's mind. I do think that counseling would be very helpful for us. I just have to try to convince my husband to go. I'm not really sure how I'm going to do that, but I'll get it figured out. He sees most counselors as being too liberal, but maybe I can find a Christian counselor that he will agree to. Thanks again.

[professionalmom]

Thanks michael. Your comments are very insightful. I know that a lot of that is going through my husband's mind. I do think that counseling would be very helpful for us. I just have to try to convince my husband to go. I'm not really sure how I'm going to do that, but I'll get it figured out. He sees most counselors as being too liberal, but maybe I can find a Christian counselor that he will agree to. Thanks again.

There are Christian Family Counselors out there. One of my best friends is one. And you can't help but love and adore her. She says that she either starts or ends each session in prayer, asking for guidance in her advice, healing for the client, etc. Try a Google search with your city and state.