Parents Who Spend Vacation Without Their Children

[Country Kids]

For the first year.. although we put our children FIRST.. no matter what...but... he couldn't really look at me .. would always turn to the side rather than look right at me when we spoke...but.. I let him have his time..

The second year we started being friends again..
He grew up with my 'now' husband.. they are a few year apart in age...but...
knew each other all their lives...actually very very distant cousins.. like 5th I think.
My ex's great great grandfather...and my new husbands great grandfather...were brothers... or something like that... translation...My ex husband's mother's maiden name.. same as my new husband's last name..
translation.. my kids are very distant cousins to their stepdad...
WELCOME TO SMALL TOWN AMERICA..

Year 2... and 3... we live in our furniture store... (see some of my other posts to catch up on this story)... my ex asked if he could spend the night here on Christmas Eve... so he could be here when my kids woke up on Christmas morning... (it was my year to have them)... he slept out in the store in a recliner...

We also went to dinner together .. following school program's... several times this happened... once.. on me and new hubby's wedding anniversary...
The looks.. from local people... hilarious...
I've been here 27 years..
Married to the first one 15 years.. married almost 10 years now to hubby #2... Many many local people know all of us...

Year 4 and 5...
He said to me on the phone.. All I want is to find what you and (new hubby) have... it is obvious to everyone that you two were meant for each other... and I want that...

a few months later.. he said..I think I've found her...

several months later...he asked if my husband would go with him to the jeweler ( jeweler that my new hubby recommended) to pick out diamonds for the engagement ring..
Every diamond the jeweler showed him...he immediately handed to my husband and said... what do you think?
My husband ended up choosing the diamond...and the setting...
Then seperately...we each coached him on how to propose...

I see a live time movie being made out of this story! What a story it is. I'm so glad that you to have the relationship that you have and your new hubby is accepting of it.

Have they got married yet?


Another question did your kids ever resent that you gave custody to your ex because of the childcare? I know it wasn't easy as a mama but I wonder if they ever have talked to you about how they felt. I know it wasn't per say "the childcare" that did it but because of it there were certain things you couldn't do.

I know personally mine would be heart broken if I (even if it was for all the right reasons) did that. They would think that it was once again the childcare that took there mama from them. Mine really struggle with the childcare and 3 of them have been born into it.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I don't find it odd at all. As a matter of fact I kind of believe the exact opposite. I think the problem with our society is that parents have children and suddenly life 100% revolves around those children making the children feel or believe that they are the absolute center of the universe. THAT is the problem IMHO.

In previous generations, children were "additions" to the family NOT the center of them.

I don't think parents should be made to feel bad that they aren't treating their children as the basis for EVERYTHING; above their husbands, their marriages, their careers, themselves as individuals. I think that is sad. Children come into our lives, we love them, we care for them, we guide them and teach them to be part of the "bigger picture", part of the world.

Why would I want to raise my child as if they ARE the world and then basically throw them to the wolves when they grow up and leave home? And they do leave.....then what? You have no marriage because you never took the time to vacation alone () with your husband and build that relationship, you have no interests (other than your children) because someone made you feel bad about having a hobby or interest that wasn't centered around your child, you have no friends because they moved on with their lives because you were too busy focusing on your children....

I love my children more than anything in the world but I am not going to teach them that I will give up everything for them. What good would that do them? What is that teaching them? How does that train them to be functioning, contributing, responsible adults? My job is to make sure that they can be proud of who they are and be self-supportive and make a place in the world. My job is to "parent" them, so they fit into the world, not build the world around them.

I agree.

[Texasjeepgirl]

Honestly...they have never said they resented it...
They loved their daddy so much.. and loved me also... so.. I think it would have been hard either way.. living with me.. visiting dad.. or living with dad.. visiting me..
No matter how nice it all has been.. it's still divorce...and still the end of a family...
Obviously we have all adjusted.. but.. divorce still beats kids up in ways we might never really see or discuss...

Yes ex did marry her... and they are still happy...
I totally love her...
Now that older daughter is married...and younger daughter lives with me.. we don't talk quite as much... but.. anytime it involves our girls...we talk...either in person.. on the phone.. email..text...

I missed out on allot of class parties.. allot of field trips...
One thing I did not miss was 8th grade trip for both girls.. I closed the daycare both times... and went ... and there were other times that .. if I had enough advance notice.. I closed the daycare... but... so often you don't get enough advance notice...

Life time movie?
Yeah... probably..
I can tell you stories about the things we have gone through with my new husband's ex wife that will stand your hair on end...
But..we make it through...happier than ever...
celebrating 10 years of marriage on May 25
happyfacehappyfacehappyface

[cheerfuldom]

As a child I LOVED my time spent at Grandmas house it was magical

And now as a grandparent I think it is good for the kids to come here. I do things different than their daily routine. I think is is good for my ds and dil have some time alone also... They do lots of things as a family also.

This is a good point as well! In our case, we have amazing in-laws. They have 80 acres out in the middle of nowhere, a lake, a huge garden, animals......going to their house for a few days IS magical for my kids and I am thankful that they have this opportunity. They are not being traumatized or neglected in any way by going over to the grandparents! They get the huge benefit of being around people from a different generations, learning skills and values that they cant necessarily learn from mom and dad. Weekends away or short vacations are a win-win for our family.

[cheerfuldom]

I know that a lot of people on here ask not to judge the parents...and you are right...but it is SOOO hard..specially when we care for them 50+hrs a week. Why should we care or exspress a feeling about it...bc sometimes it's just sad...specially when the child is 3 wks. Yes...that would be one of mine...

And I understand...boy do I understand needing time with just the hubby and not w/kids in tow. In today's world.. everyone struggling...struggling to find good jobs that pay ins. that are family friendly...that pay good. Parents that wish to stay home to parent at home... can't. Those that do manage to stay home.. sacrifice. And it is a sacrifice in today's world to stay home and raise your children. You either make enough to stay home or you don't. but understand the sacrifice in loss of income bc of it. Anyway you put it...it's a huge sacrifice to be home for the children.

Do I feel parents should have a outlet and spend quality time for a marriage..oh yes def. It's healthy...I also feel though that it's healthy to have family vacations also with the entire family just as much as just husband and wife.

I really do think that we all are essentially saying the same thing in this thread. It is important to figure out what is right for your family and your kids as well as having a balance within your life. I think we can all agree that we know parents that leave their kids at a drop of the hat....but it is not fair to generalize all parents that take vacations without kids as the same type of parent. Even parents that work long hours and have their kids in daycare are not necessarily bad people for needing some down time without kids.

[Lianne]

We never went on family vacations and my parents never went away on their own. There just wasn't the money for it. I don't remember my friends going on vacation every year, either. Yet, lots of families expect to and go away several times a year.

A family I nannied for used to take a summer vacation every year. Then, in the winter, the parents would go away for a few days without the kids. The parents would then take a girls/guys weekend away with friends one a year (each). One would go in the spring and one in the fall. The length of each vacation depended on cost/time off/etc. but it seemed to be a well balanced system for them. It broke the year up, everyone felt restored afterwards and everyone's needs were met.

I'm lucky if I can afford to take a week off work once a year, forget about going anywhere! By the time I financially cover what the lost week's pay would normally covered I might have enough money left to go see a matinee movie one afternoon that I'm not working, . I'm already saving for my week in August, not going anywhere, but I'm still not sure I'll be afford to not work that week. We'll see.

[My3cents]

obviously this goes off the subject of this thread...
But.. I suspected that if I put in there that I was the visiting parent.. I would get some comments/questions... considering I am a LICENSED CHILD CARE PROVIDER...

When my ex-husband and I divorced... after 15 years.. it wasn't an ugly horrible divorce...
it was calm... rational.. ... we just realized.. after 3 years of discussing it now and then...that we had both reached a point where we knew our marriage was over.. and time to move on ...

When it came to deciding who would have custody of our two girls.. ages 10 and 6...
Our daughters were both attending private Catholic school ( we are not Catholic...but it is an EXCELLENT school in our town...and the public school.. well.. not as excellent)... the school is small.. and does not provide transportation...parent delivery and pick up only.
My daycare is open from 7 a.m. til 5:30 p.m.... I am LICENSED for 12 children.... and I work alone.
I would not be able to drive my 2 daughters to school each day... nor would I be able to pick them up.... My ex-husband is self employed... and his shop is only a few blocks from the school.. so.. he would be able to drop them at school each day... and pick them up......
So after much soul searching...agony..... I knew the best option.. for least amount of disruption in everyone's day..... was for my two girls to live with their daddy...
It just made more sense...than for him to have to drive to my home every single day... twice...once to pick them up to deliver them to school...and once in the afternoon to drop them off...

I have paid child support for 10 years...
I've had plenty of judgement over this issue... Most especially from my new husband's ex wife...
She is mean... and works hard to cause as much misery to us as possible...
She loves to tell my step children that I don't love my girls... that I never wanted them.. that I 'gave them up' because I didn't want to be burdened by them...
When in fact... I believe I was doing what was best not only for my children...but for all of us...

The fact is... My ex-husband is a fantastic man.. a MORE THAN WONDERFUL FATHER...
I have a tremendous amount of love and respect for him...
and I knew he had as much right to be the PRIMARY Parent as I did ...

Obviously.. most of the time.. children live with their mommy after a divorce...

I've heard so many women say to me..
No way would ever 'let' my ex TAKE MY CHILDREN AWAY from me..
Well that is NOT how this was...
I didn't feel he took them from me...we made this decision together..
and it made the most sense given our circumstances...

The trauma of divorce is difficult .. The changes the kids must go through are so rough.. I just wanted there to be as much consistency for them as possible..
The great thing is... this is a small town.. my ex husband ended up buying a house about 8 blocks from the house I bought... My girls spent the night with me every Wednesday...and 1st .. 3rd and 5th weekends.. holidays... 4-5 weeks in the summer...
etc..
My oldest daughter came to live with me a week after she graduated from high school... in '08...she went back and forth living with me.. living on her own.. living with me... till she got married 1 year ago...my granddaughter is 16 months old...and is in my daycare every day
My 17 year old daughter came to live with me 18 months ago... she loved living with her daddy and stepmom.. but...she also wanted to live with mama for awhile before she was grown...She is a senior in high school.. will graduate in a few weeks.. works at Chili's as a hostess...and the rest of the time is my frequent companion... since my husband took a second shift job last year...
She is going with us at the end of May.. on our first trip to Cancun..(as mentioned in previous post)..
....

I am a very inquisitive person-always have been-very visual too. You could have said non of your business and I would have understood. I just want to say Thank you for sharing. I have a new respect for you- not that I didn't before. Some people on the boards just stand out more then others, you always have because I find we think alike and you always seem to make sense to me. I can relate-

It sounds like you parented together and raised your children together through your divorce. It also sounds like your husbands ex has been a nightmare for you. Did you have a daycare and move it when you divorced? I can't imagine what you went through but it sounds like it worked out best for everyone.........well almost.........the husbands ex still has issues obviously. When your all together, your husbands children's and yours, are you blended well as a family or are their issues? Again thanks for sharing-

https://WWW.TEXASJEEPGIRL.SHUTTERFLY.COM

I have been doing a lot of responding above in red and had to write this in order to send it out

[My3cents]

For the first year.. although we put our children FIRST.. no matter what...but... he couldn't really look at me .. would always turn to the side rather than look right at me when we spoke...but.. I let him have his time..

The second year we started being friends again..
He grew up with my 'now' husband.. they are a few year apart in age...but...
knew each other all their lives...actually very very distant cousins.. like 5th I think.
My ex's great great grandfather...and my new husbands great grandfather...were brothers... or something like that... translation...My ex husband's mother's maiden name.. same as my new husband's last name..
translation.. my kids are very distant cousins to their stepdad...
WELCOME TO SMALL TOWN AMERICA..

Year 2... and 3... we live in our furniture store... (see some of my other posts to catch up on this story)... my ex asked if he could spend the night here on Christmas Eve... so he could be here when my kids woke up on Christmas morning... (it was my year to have them)... he slept out in the store in a recliner...

We also went to dinner together .. following school program's... several times this happened... once.. on me and new hubby's wedding anniversary...
The looks.. from local people... hilarious...
I've been here 27 years..
Married to the first one 15 years.. married almost 10 years now to hubby #2... Many many local people know all of us...

Year 4 and 5...
He said to me on the phone.. All I want is to find what you and (new hubby) have... it is obvious to everyone that you two were meant for each other... and I want that...

a few months later.. he said..I think I've found her...

several months later...he asked if my husband would go with him to the jeweler ( jeweler that my new hubby recommended) to pick out diamonds for the engagement ring..
Every diamond the jeweler showed him...he immediately handed to my husband and said... what do you think?
My husband ended up choosing the diamond...and the setting...
Then seperately...we each coached him on how to propose...

maybe I am just having an emotional day but this is making me teary!!! I sure hope you write a book someday. I hope you post again, I want to read more........

[My3cents]

We never went on family vacations and my parents never went away on their own. There just wasn't the money for it. I don't remember my friends going on vacation every year, either. Yet, lots of families expect to and go away several times a year.

A family I nannied for used to take a summer vacation every year. Then, in the winter, the parents would go away for a few days without the kids. The parents would then take a girls/guys weekend away with friends one a year (each). One would go in the spring and one in the fall. The length of each vacation depended on cost/time off/etc. but it seemed to be a well balanced system for them. It broke the year up, everyone felt restored afterwards and everyone's needs were met.

I'm lucky if I can afford to take a week off work once a year, forget about going anywhere! By the time I financially cover what the lost week's pay would normally covered I might have enough money left to go see a matinee movie one afternoon that I'm not working, . I'm already saving for my week in August, not going anywhere, but I'm still not sure I'll be afford to not work that week. We'll see.

this is why you need to be good to yourself and put it in your policy that you get a week or two weeks PAID vacation each year.

Over the years we have done big vacations... (Disney) and then we have done the vacations that cost nothing but your normal everyday expenses........(primitive camping). Some years we can go and some years we can't. It is all good. We all do the best that we can. Some of my favorite vacations are the more simpler ones.

[Texasjeepgirl]

I have been doing a lot of responding above in red and had to write this in order to send it out

If I had a nickel for everytime someone told me I should write a book about my life.. I think I might almost have enough money to do it...

::::::

I did have a daycare when we divorced..
I got married in '86.. started my daycare in '92...when my first daughter was 2 years old...
When we filed for a divorce... we continued to live in the same house for several months.. I just moved in to my younger daughter's bedroom...she slept in her sisters room anyway...
We filed for divorce in April... My ex moved in to a new house in late July... I remained in the house because my daycare was there...but it sold...and I bought another house in September...
Mark and I had our wedding in the back yard of that house... But we sold it a year later... and have lived inside our retail furniture store for 8 years now..We put my daycare in 5 years ago.. I had it in a friends house for 3 years...

When Mark and I married... we blended 5 girls.
My daughter had just turned 12... Mark's stepdaughter was 3 months behind her... 11...
She had been 18 months old when he started dating her mom...he is the only daddy she's ever known.. never met bio dad..
My younger daughter was 8... Mark's girls were 6 and 5...
Honestly.. in 10 years.. There have been very few issues with the kids...
The two older one's were always close...
The 3 younger one's...well.. my youngest.. which is middle child...and the very youngest were always the closest...
There were a few issues of the other one feeling left out...but.. then all of a sudden the tables would turn and she'd be the 'in' one...and the baby would be left out..
To be completely honest.. Mark and I made a committment to each other from day 1..This is our second marriage...We did NOT have any desire to have more children... (It always amazes me how many people in second marriages think they must produce a child to show each other...and the world...how much they love each other)...
WE agreed on 1 thing... We didn't have to be married... We chose to be married... We both felt so blessed to have found each other..
AND...the other thing is.. We have gone through so much with his EX... Always such drama and VENOM from her...
The one thing we always felt we needed to give our children more than anything...was the security and knowledge that he and I loved each other... we are stable.. we are LEVEL... we are committed to each other... to our children.. to our family.. to our home..and NOTHING she ever says or does changes that...
His poor children live in constant turmoil with their mom.. and when they are with us.. We aren't wealthy... but.. we love each other.. we love them.. we treat each other.. and them... with respect and honesty... ALWAYS... if there is ONE THING they always have when they are with us.. it is PEACE...

[MNMum]

I think this conversation could go on forever...

As far as why it may be important now to take childfree time, as opposed to a time before both parents worked: Now that society has made it "normal" or expected that a women be away from her home and her children 50 hours, the tasks that used to be done while husband/dad was away at work, must now be completed when he is home. If you are lucky enough, you can hire someone to clean house/wash clothes/grow or shop for food/prepare meals, for most, that's not reality. Instead of mom being home, getting all of these things done during the day, she is now doing them along side her husband(if she's lucky) in the evening or weekends. If her job does not meet her needs of getting in her girlfriend time (this is actually proven neccessary for happiness in a woman) then she is also trying to get this done in eve/weekends. Back in the day,before the divorce rate was 50%, evenings consisited of kids playing in the neighborhood with their friends, families sitting down to dinner every night together, kids getting to bed at a decent time, and then Mom and Dad having their moments together. Paint the picture today it probably looks something like this: parent A picks up kids from daycare, runs kid #1 to baseball practice, picks up dinner from Subway, meets parent B at home, they eat (maybe together, probably not), Parent B helps kid #2 with homework, parent A runs back to pick up kid #1, gets home, cleans up from dinner, throws in a load of laundry...get my drift. It is sad.

As far as vacationing without kids. We've been lucky enough to always make vacations a priority. We've taken kids, we've left kids. In my 9.5 years of being a parent, it has always depended on the situation. I'm a co-sleeping, toddler-led breastfeeding mom. I never left a child before I knew they would do fine at night without me. Additionally, I didn't leave them before I knew I'd be okay without them! During those years, it was always family vacations. By the time it was okay to leave them, it was obvious for our relationship, it was crucial to spend 1:1 time with my husband. I know I have a hard time being a loving wife with all the chaos in the house, and my husband needs the reassurance that I still care about him, too.

I do think it is sad what our two income families has done to the American family. Hopefully it will somehow come back to families being able to survive without both parents out of the home FT, but until then, parents are doing what they think is best for themselves and their kids

There's my soapbox...I'll get off of it now.

[Unregistered]

Vacation Without Kids

I think it depends on the couple.

Once upon a time when I lived in my fairy tale bubble prior to having kids with my 1st husband I thought - What is wrong with all those people going on vacation without their kids? Why do they even bother having kids?

However, after my husband left me at 9 months pregnant and I met an amazing man who had a daughter of his own and we married and are now expecting our own baby girl, I have different opinions.

1. I had to get used to not having my newborn son with me due to shared custody with my ex from when he was three days old. I have had to deal with not having him a couple nights a week - not from any choice of my own. However, I have realized - that he survives without me. Had I not had that happen, I am pretty sure I'd be a mom that never had her kids apart minus daycare.

2. My new husband and I have 2 kids between us and 1 on the way. We have also only been together less than a year. We are still in that honeymoon phase which I hope will never go away. On nights when we don't have my son and don't have his daughter we try to make plans to go out with just the two of us. We have realized how important a weekly date night is to our relationship. We are sooooo busy the other nights with work, kids, extra curricular activities, etc... we need to make time for us where we talk about each other and build our relationship. Have time where we discuss how we are going to adapt to this new blended family, etc.

3. My husband got a free white water rafting trip with his company last year. Neither kid was old enough to go - and being that it was a company trip, 1- we felt like we had to go 2- White water rafting? Awesome!!! Grandparents would love to have the kids for two nights.

4. One thing I have always believed is that your children are only going to be at home for roughly 18 years - if every thing is centered around them all the time, building a relationship with your partner is difficult for when you become empty nesters. You may not even know each other that well anymore. I came from a family that doesn't have any divorces so I wasn't used to the concept - however, my parents are celebrating their 45th year of marriage together this year and they are happily married. I do remember going to my Grandparents or Aunts almost every Friday or Saturday night and spending the night though. First - I usually begged for it - it was a ton of fun. Second, my parents wanted to keep their marriage alive.

5. I definitely want to take my kids on vacation. In fact we have taken a couple family vacations with the kids in the last year and have one planned this year. However, I think the kids will survive for 5 days if we went somewhere with just the two of us. Would I miss my babies? Absolutely!!! Would I enjoy alone time with my spouse? Absolutely!!! Would having some time with just the two of us strengthen our relationship so we can be better united parents? Absolutely!!!

*Not to mention there are vacations we would love to do now that the kids just aren't old enough to participate it (too rugged, strenuous, not enjoyable, etc) that we would probably not be able to do when we are in our 50s and 60s.

*What about parentst that send their kids to overnight came in the summer and take their vacation at the same time? My parents used to do that. We would go on a family vacation and then I would go to camp for a week - best time of my life - a couple times for two weeks and while I didn't know it at the time, I know now that they went on vacation while I was at camp.

*I personally don't and wouldn't go on vacation to so called get away from the kids - but bonding time with my husband while letting the kids know they can function without parents for a week and have them learn some social skills and independence didn't hurt anyone imo.

[craftymissbeth]

Maybe they never got a honeymoon?
Maybe they have never been offered a week at grandma's before?
Maybe they won the trip?
Maybe they work really hard and have never had a vacation alone before?
Maybe they plan on taking all future vacations as a family but since their kids are little now, it is more beneficial to have a vacation without them?
Maybe they are Bill and Jane and NOT just a mom and a dad?
Maybe they are going to Vegas to do something inappropriate so it is a good thing the kids aren't going?
Maybe one of them has some weird disease and they are seeking alternate treatment from some wack-o quack only found in Vegas?
Maybe they are meeting up with another couple for a ......(well another reason to not bring the kids with).?
Maybe they just need a break from their daily life so they can come back refreshed and ready to deal....?
Maybe they are attending a marriage group?
Maybe they are job seeking?
Maybe they are house hunting?
Maybe one of them is dying and seeing Wayne Newton is on their bucket list?

Who knows.....but I really don't think we can or should be judging these parents. We have never walked a mile in their shoes, we aren't living in their homes or living their lives so I don't think we ever really know the whole story. Everyone defines parenting differently and I honeslty think that if it really bothers people so much, then refuse to participate in the fact that they leave their child in child care for such long hours. If they use 50 hours per week but don't work that many, then don't provide care for them.

You can't control what others do but you can change what you do. If you don't like the type of parenting a person has going on....and it really gets to you, then don't provide care to those kinds of parents.
We can't have it both ways.

Exactly this.

[Scout]

Personally, I think every parent needs and deserves a vacation away from their kids!! When I grew up my parents went to Vegas every year for Labor Day and left us with our Grandparents too. It did nothing to us emotionally in the long run. We are both good parents and good people in general. I have spent all but 3 nights, 5 if you count when I had my second child away from my DS in 4 1/2 years and I think that if we had the opportunity to get away without him it would make me a better parent!! Parents need a break sometimes, there is nothing wrong with this. Some will agree with it, some won't. It doesn't mean that they are not good parents or that the kids will grow up feeling slighted! JMHO.

[Binkybobo]

Hi, I'm here to sign up for the kid free Vegas week.::