To Terminate Or Not?

[gwilmet]

I have been going back and forth about terminating a child in my care for the last 6 months. And I need to make a decision once and for all.

He will be 3 in a couple of weeks, and is struggling with some speech/behavioral issues. I can pick out a few words or 2 word phrases he says, but most others can not understand him at all. He is unable to follow any rules at my home daycare, even just the minimal ones I have for his and others safety. (no hitting with sticks, no throwing toys off my swingset, no climbing and jumping off my playhouse.) he will not share anything with any of the other kids. Cries every time an older kid talks to him (even just says his name.) throws any and everything he gets his hands on. He seems to have some OCD, or sensory type issues as well (screamed all winter about having to put his winter jacket on to play out in the snow, will only wear shirts with Buzz lightyear on it...) I do a music class and a culture/science class 3x a month and both of those teachers struggle with him to the point of him having to leave the class since he is being a disruption to the other kids. My daycare ssistant/sub has the same issues with listening as I do.

When I suggested a speech/language and behavioral assesment by the school district I was met with very rude comments from the dad and some hesitation from the mom. 4 months after I initially mentioned it, someone else also suggested the same thing and they started the eval. process. It has been about 5 months since they started and they just finished the evaluation and are not taking into consideration the IEP the school district has set forth and the things they suggested he partake in.

On top of the behavior issues of the child, the parents are CONSTANTLY picking up late (20 times in the first 3 months of care.) They have now begun not calling to tell me he will be late or not coming at all (one day last week they called at 2:30 to tell me wasnt coming that day, and one day they never called at all.)

The father has gotten into a verbal argument with me at pick up in front of other parents. When I tell them the issues I had during the day, they blow it off and never talk to their child about it. Yesterday when I told the father the issues, he said, well, maybe he was tired. Upon me telling him that being tired is not an excuse for constant rule breaking during the day is not ok, tired or not. He shot me a nasty look, proceeded to walk out. mumbling under his breath something about how he listens for everyone else just not me and that is not their problem.

The combination of the child's behavioral issues as well as the stress the parents are causing has really started to become not worth it to me. I want to help the child and I know the family is going to have a tough time finding care that is as convenient as my home to their work/home. I also know the boy will have issues adjusting to another daycare and they will keep running into the same issues wherever they go.

I feel like I have done all I can do to talk to the parents, attempting to get them to work with me as a team for their child.

Any advice?

[JenNJ]

I have been going back and forth about terminating a child in my care for the last 6 months. And I need to make a decision once and for all.

He will be 3 in a couple of weeks, and is struggling with some speech/behavioral issues. I can pick out a few words or 2 word phrases he says, but most others can not understand him at all. He is unable to follow any rules at my home daycare, even just the minimal ones I have for his and others safety. (no hitting with sticks, no throwing toys off my swingset, no climbing and jumping off my playhouse.) he will not share anything with any of the other kids. Cries every time an older kid talks to him (even just says his name.) throws any and everything he gets his hands on. He seems to have some OCD, or sensory type issues as well (screamed all winter about having to put his winter jacket on to play out in the snow, will only wear shirts with Buzz lightyear on it...) I do a music class and a culture/science class 3x a month and both of those teachers struggle with him to the point of him having to leave the class since he is being a disruption to the other kids. My daycare ssistant/sub has the same issues with listening as I do.

When I suggested a speech/language and behavioral assesment by the school district I was met with very rude comments from the dad and some hesitation from the mom. 4 months after I initially mentioned it, someone else also suggested the same thing and they started the eval. process. It has been about 5 months since they started and they just finished the evaluation and are not taking into consideration the IEP the school district has set forth and the things they suggested he partake in.

On top of the behavior issues of the child, the parents are CONSTANTLY picking up late (20 times in the first 3 months of care.) They have now begun not calling to tell me he will be late or not coming at all (one day last week they called at 2:30 to tell me wasnt coming that day, and one day they never called at all.)

The father has gotten into a verbal argument with me at pick up in front of other parents. When I tell them the issues I had during the day, they blow it off and never talk to their child about it. Yesterday when I told the father the issues, he said, well, maybe he was tired. Upon me telling him that being tired is not an excuse for constant rule breaking during the day is not ok, tired or not. He shot me a nasty look, proceeded to walk out. mumbling under his breath something about how he listens for everyone else just not me and that is not their problem.

The combination of the child's behavioral issues as well as the stress the parents are causing has really started to become not worth it to me. I want to help the child and I know the family is going to have a tough time finding care that is as convenient as my home to their work/home. I also know the boy will have issues adjusting to another daycare and they will keep running into the same issues wherever they go.

I feel like I have done all I can do to talk to the parents, attempting to get them to work with me as a team for their child.

Any advice?

Terminate.

I am not one to terminate quickly BUT I would terminate that child over his behavior issues alone or the parents alone. All of those issues combined are a nasty little concoction that I wouldn't voluntarily handle.

It is NOT your responsibility to "save" this child. You have offered help and made suggestions and the parents are unwilling to see or deal with the issues. Instead of appreciating your concern, they are pinning his problems on you, disrespecting you in your own home, in front of other clients and I assume your own children an others. NOT OK.

They should worry about his adjusting to new care, not you. They are his parents. They need to look out for his best interests. As a provider, there is only so much you can do.

At this point it is unfair to the other kids in care. He is abusive and disruptive. He needs to go.

[momma2girls]

I totally agree here!! I would suggest everything I could to the parents for an evaluation- if the parents refuse to do this and child is acting the same way. I would definately terminate!! It's not fair to yourself, the other children, and the other parents at daycare!!

[cheerfuldom]

Why are you even doubting that you should terminate? It sounds like he has serious issues here and you better terminate before he accidentally hurts one of your other kids with the throwing and outbursts. I would talk to mom about everything one more time then terminate and let them know that his struggles combined with their approach has made it impossible to work with them. Their excuses for his behavior is not helping him and they need to continue to pursue his evaluations. Good luck!

You know, getting terminated may just be the reality check these parents need. You are helping in that way since every other way is not getting their attention.

[Zoe]

I agree with the PP. I would straight out say to the parents that the child is on a 2 week probation (or something like that). That the behavior is out of control and their unwillingness to assist you in improving the behavior has become a serious safety issue in your daycare. If the behavior from both the child and the parents does NOT improve in those two weeks, then care will be terminated. They need a wake up call! They need to know that how they are handling the situation is unacceptable. Shape up or ship out!

[itlw8]

Until you got to the parent part I was thinkking I would work with him

Then the late pick ups. THAT I wouild give 1 warning if they are late again they are gone.

under 3 often parents have problems locating services but at age 3 the school district HAS to test and supply services for the child. hopefully you have an early childhood intervention program in your school district.

[MarinaVanessa]

I would have had to terminate just due to the parents reactions and lack of urgency to get on program with you. According to your original post it just shows a total lack of respect and trust towards you. You have suggested an evaluation in an effort to help their child and they wouldn't hear it until they heard it from someone else. Then when they get results back and an IEP they chose not to follow it, meaning that the child will not get the support and help that he needs and nothing will improve for you.

As for the comment about how "he listens for everyone else" and just not you well I personally have a general theory about this ... some parents don't see certain behavior as troublesome and choose to ignore or accept that the behavior is either normal for the child's age, or due to their diagnosis. Maybe the behavior isn't looked at as such a burden to the parents and family or friends because they accept that it's just a part of the way the child is.

And the kicker for me, the last straw for me is the comment about "that is not their problem" is the most absolutely rediculous thing I could ever hear a parent say to me. Of course it's their problem, it's their child. If the issues aren't corrected and you and the child's parents don't unite and work together as a team to help their child then there's no way that the situation will improve. They are working against you and that makes it extremely difficult if not nearly impossle for you to fix the issue.

They have now made their child's behavior challenges your problem. It's time for you to correct that and give the responsibility back to them.

If I were in your shoes I would have a sit down with both parents and discuss the issues with them about being a united front. I would bring up everything from my perspective and explain everything that I have done to try to improve the situation and that it has not worked at least in part due to the fact that there is no teamwork. I would tell them that a successfull parent/provider relationship does not work well like this and then let them know that unless we worked as a team to correct the child's challenging behavior at daycare then I would no longer be able to provide their family childcare. I would have the family's 2 week notice already drawn up and ready just in case they decide they don't want to be cooperative or if they become argumentative.

[Unregistered]

We do have an early intervention program. I contacted the EARLY intervention program and gave the parents the contact info months ago. Now in the last few months, the school district has gotten involved. They wanted to come observe him at daycare, but every day the planned on coming, the child was kept home. Finally they just sent me a behavioral assesment to fill out, since their report was due the following day. That was almost 3 weeks ago and I have yet to hear anything from the parents about a plan. But it was implied when talking with the school district that they were seeing hte same things I was and were going to be suggesting something, whether it was speech therapy or special ed preschool...not sure.

Part of the reason I am even contemplating terminating instead if JUST DOING IT, is that I can tell the mom is stressed out about it and wants him to stay here. Dad was out of town for a couple months dealing with some family issues and now is home again unemployed. Mom is working to support the family while dad is behaving like a dead beat.

Also I was friends with the mom's sister in high school, (so obvioulsy knew the mom) and graduated with the dad. I was hesitant to take them since the dad and I never really got along. Didn't "not get along" just didnt have the same priorities/lifestyle...etc. Should have gone with my gut instinct to begin with and I wouldn't be in this situation.

So far this morning, he has ripped a book and pulled my stuffed animal storage thing apart.

time outs do nothing for this child either. once his timeout is done, I do like I do with all children, explain to them what they did to get put in time out and why it was not okay, then he runs out of time out and does the exact same thing again.

Never have a child cause so much stress and frusturation. I have had him for over a year and feel like I have given it my best shot.

[GoodKarma]

The parents' behavior alone would get them terminated from my program! I do know how you feel, though. It took me a long time to accept the fact that I could not help every every child and/or family. Good Luck.

[MarinaVanessa]

Maybe having the child stay home with DCD for a few weeks will open his eyes and help him appreciate what they have with you. Maybe you can sit down with them and explain your situation and how the stress from their child's behavior is beginning to wear on the other kids and on you emotionally and financially. Make a list of what he has destroyed and itemize the cost to replace them. Give them options.
1) They get on board with the district to create a plan of action and get their son help based on what the recommendations are from the district and work together as a team to help their child.
2) They find child care elsewhere.

In the meantime while they decide show them the destruction and give them weekly logs of his behavior. Require them to have to replace the things that he destroys from now on. Right now it's not costing them any money or trouble to keep things the way they are. Change that.

[wdmmom]

Regardless of the kid, you have noncompliant parents.

TERM ... like yesterday!!!

[Blackcat31]

I have been going back and forth about terminating a child in my care for the last 6 months. And I need to make a decision once and for all.

He will be 3 in a couple of weeks, and is struggling with some speech/behavioral issues. I can pick out a few words or 2 word phrases he says, but most others can not understand him at all. He is unable to follow any rules at my home daycare, even just the minimal ones I have for his and others safety. (no hitting with sticks, no throwing toys off my swingset, no climbing and jumping off my playhouse.) he will not share anything with any of the other kids. Cries every time an older kid talks to him (even just says his name.) throws any and everything he gets his hands on. He seems to have some OCD, or sensory type issues as well (screamed all winter about having to put his winter jacket on to play out in the snow, will only wear shirts with Buzz lightyear on it...) I do a music class and a culture/science class 3x a month and both of those teachers struggle with him to the point of him having to leave the class since he is being a disruption to the other kids. My daycare ssistant/sub has the same issues with listening as I do.

When I suggested a speech/language and behavioral assesment by the school district I was met with very rude comments from the dad and some hesitation from the mom. 4 months after I initially mentioned it, someone else also suggested the same thing and they started the eval. process. It has been about 5 months since they started and they just finished the evaluation and are not taking into consideration the IEP the school district has set forth and the things they suggested he partake in.

On top of the behavior issues of the child, the parents are CONSTANTLY picking up late (20 times in the first 3 months of care.) They have now begun not calling to tell me he will be late or not coming at all (one day last week they called at 2:30 to tell me wasnt coming that day, and one day they never called at all.)

The father has gotten into a verbal argument with me at pick up in front of other parents. When I tell them the issues I had during the day, they blow it off and never talk to their child about it. Yesterday when I told the father the issues, he said, well, maybe he was tired. Upon me telling him that being tired is not an excuse for constant rule breaking during the day is not ok, tired or not. He shot me a nasty look, proceeded to walk out. mumbling under his breath something about how he listens for everyone else just not me and that is not their problem.

The combination of the child's behavioral issues as well as the stress the parents are causing has really started to become not worth it to me. I want to help the child and I know the family is going to have a tough time finding care that is as convenient as my home to their work/home. I also know the boy will have issues adjusting to another daycare and they will keep running into the same issues wherever they go.

I feel like I have done all I can do to talk to the parents, attempting to get them to work with me as a team for their child.

Any advice?

Welcome to the forum!

Your status has been upgraded so you can post freely now

[cheerfuldom]

We do have an early intervention program. I contacted the EARLY intervention program and gave the parents the contact info months ago. Now in the last few months, the school district has gotten involved. They wanted to come observe him at daycare, but every day the planned on coming, the child was kept home. Finally they just sent me a behavioral assesment to fill out, since their report was due the following day. That was almost 3 weeks ago and I have yet to hear anything from the parents about a plan. But it was implied when talking with the school district that they were seeing hte same things I was and were going to be suggesting something, whether it was speech therapy or special ed preschool...not sure.

Part of the reason I am even contemplating terminating instead if JUST DOING IT, is that I can tell the mom is stressed out about it and wants him to stay here. Dad was out of town for a couple months dealing with some family issues and now is home again unemployed. Mom is working to support the family while dad is behaving like a dead beat.

Also I was friends with the mom's sister in high school, (so obvioulsy knew the mom) and graduated with the dad. I was hesitant to take them since the dad and I never really got along. Didn't "not get along" just didnt have the same priorities/lifestyle...etc. Should have gone with my gut instinct to begin with and I wouldn't be in this situation.

So far this morning, he has ripped a book and pulled my stuffed animal storage thing apart.

time outs do nothing for this child either. once his timeout is done, I do like I do with all children, explain to them what they did to get put in time out and why it was not okay, then he runs out of time out and does the exact same thing again.

Never have a child cause so much stress and frusturation. I have had him for over a year and feel like I have given it my best shot.

Terminating him will relieve your stress, his stress, and parents stress. This will be his chance to get some much needed services and that IS a good thing and should help him and his parents with his behavior. Besides the initial disappointment, the termination is the best thing for everyone.

[Ariana]

I agree with the others. A major deal breaker for me is uninterested parents. In my contract it is stated specifically that when I raise a concern or issue the parents MUST take it into consideration and help work out the solution. Denial is the worst. I've termed over it once as well and have no regrets!!

[KDC]

Buh Bye! The parents are so disrespectful of you, not fair at all. I know it can be hard to terminate without knowing when another child will fill the spot financially... but so worth it at this point. It's going to get to the point where others are pulling their children because of this one child. I would be typing up a letter today, and since this parent has shown to be verbally confrontational, I would probably wimp out for the verbal term. Make the letter short & to the point with no additional emotional language. Hopefully, your signed contract with them is specific for payment upon termination. Once terminated, be prepared for all payments to stop. Be sure you're paid up before terminating.

Good luck!!