Who's On The Other Side Of The Computer Screen

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  • Michael
    Founder & Owner-Daycare.com
    • Aug 2007
    • 7951

    Who's On The Other Side Of The Computer Screen

    I find this topic fascinating. It is distinctly special to our time and place in the virtual world. We've evolved over thousands of years relying on sound, body language and appearance to evaluate people which are mostly void here.

    Many times when I write something to someone it can be political, parental even gender or culture driven. After all, we tend to be drawn to those who are most like ourselves. That has been the case in the past but these days it’s like we almost need a 6th sense.

    Let’s say you are talking with a liberal or conservative bias, is the other person on the other side of the screen also liberal/conservative? Are we sure they have the same intentions or are they evaluating us as biased or correct? If you are talking about a female or male gender issue, are you sure the "entity" on the other end is the same gender? How do you know?

    I don't think this is a bad thing, although one never knows what the true intention of the other person is. The internet allows us anonymity. Someone like me who uses his name and picture has to be careful about the appearance of my statements. I sometimes would like to have a second more “fuzzy” avatar and name. I could always do that but I wonder why I don’t? I’m not vulnerable or gullible. I've lived in NYC and Los Angeles and been in some of the most dangerous situations but I am still trusting of “mostly” everyone I come across.

    I find even with the conversation about the 17 year old that was shot in Florida an almost white/black polarization in the physical world which carried over into the virtual world. We’ve taken our evaluations from our physical world into the virtual world. We carry the mental images and biases along with the narrative. I never know if someone on this forum is black/white/yellow or any other color for that matter. It really doesn’t matter and I think that is an advance in our cognitive and “spiritual” evolution. Are we more color/culture neutral in the space? Being so, are we more understanding and communal?

    I thought I would just bring up this conversation on this slow sunny day here in California. Some may think this is somewhat creepy but I think it is a necessity in surviving and flourishing in this ever advancing new world. Did I develop a 6th sense? Did you?
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  • Mary Poppins
    Daycare.com Member
    • Jan 2012
    • 403

    #2
    I have a HORRIBLE sense of who people are on the other side of the screen so I tend not to trust most people online and I try to avoid discussions that might offend them. ::
    Last edited by Mary Poppins; 04-01-2012, 06:13 PM. Reason: because I only read the title and answered without reading the rest!

    Comment

    • Michael
      Founder & Owner-Daycare.com
      • Aug 2007
      • 7951

      #3
      Originally posted by Mary Poppins
      Oh and I have a HORRIBLE sense of who people are on the other side of the screen (since that was your question). So I tend not to trust most people online and I try to avoid discussions that might offend them. ::
      Do you think you will ever develop that sense?

      Comment

      • Mary Poppins
        Daycare.com Member
        • Jan 2012
        • 403

        #4
        Originally posted by Michael
        Do you think you will ever develop that sense?
        I doubt it, I don't spend enough time interacting directly with people enough online. It's uncomfortable because of the screen barrier.

        I prefer real life relationships and even then, I have found that my judgment of character is often skewed. People who I thought were one thing turned out to be quite another.

        I have no sense of direction (as in compass-wise), either. Maybe the two are related?

        Comment

        • Michael
          Founder & Owner-Daycare.com
          • Aug 2007
          • 7951

          #5
          When I moved to New York City after living in Florida I was unaware of many of the dangers that were ever present. Over time I could sense if someone was approaching in a bad manner. I even use to comment to friends from other states to watch "what would happen next" when someone approached an unsuspecting tourist. You get a sense of things and I feel the same thing can be acquired on the internet over time.

          Comment

          • Mary Poppins
            Daycare.com Member
            • Jan 2012
            • 403

            #6
            Originally posted by Michael
            When I moved to New York City after living in Florida I was unaware of many of the dangers that were ever present. Over time I could sense if someone was approaching in a bad manner. I even use to comment to friends from other states to watch "what would happen next" when someone approached an unsuspecting tourist. You get a sense of things and I feel the same thing can be acquired on the internet over time.
            (I edited my original answer because I only read the title before answering :

            I envy your street smarts. I grew up in California and spent a lot of time in LA and San Fran, and learned not to trust anyone to a certain degree but I still had a hard time because I like to think most people are genuine and nice (which is how you get lured in of course).

            Interacting online feels much like being back in Cali, really. I WANT to think everyone is nice and genuine but then I pull back and start thinking they are really a Nigerian with too much money and nowhere safe to keep it.

            Comment

            • Michael
              Founder & Owner-Daycare.com
              • Aug 2007
              • 7951

              #7
              Originally posted by Mary Poppins
              (I edited my original answer because I only read the title before answering :

              I envy your street smarts. I grew up in California and spent a lot of time in LA and San Fran, and learned not to trust anyone to a certain degree but I still had a hard time because I like to think most people are genuine and nice (which is how you get lured in of course).

              Interacting online feels much like being back in Cali, really. I WANT to think everyone is nice and genuine but then I pull back and start thinking they are really a Nigerian with too much money and nowhere safe to keep it.
              I had a friend that actually paid money to that Nigerian scam and she had a Masters Degree.

              Comment

              • Kaddidle Care
                Daycare.com Member
                • Dec 2010
                • 2090

                #8
                :: Book Smarts does not = common sense.

                After reading forums for about 10 years, I can usually get a sense of who is legit and who is a phoney baloney. But it takes me a while reading their posts to do so.

                On one forum we used to play games with each other, changing our names or creating new ones just to see if our friends could guess who we were. It takes some skill but there are subtle expressions and posting times that help to identify people.

                I once discovered a knucklehead/phoney baloney on my own town forum that changed his name and then posted an excellent rating about his own restaurant. He thought he got away with it until he accidentally responded to someone on that thread in his other persona. Snagged! :: (While he did remove his post, it was not before I saw it.)

                Comment

                • nannyde
                  All powerful, all knowing daycare whisperer
                  • Mar 2010
                  • 7320

                  #9
                  Originally posted by Michael
                  Nannyde PM'd me a long but good reply to this thread. I don't think I explained myself well enough on what I was trying to put forth in my original opener.

                  You all know who I am and some may know my history but lets for a moment consider that I am new member.

                  My name is Jane and I am single with one child. I am 24 years old and I live in NYC and of Chinese decent. These are all the things I mention in my New Member thread.

                  How do you know I'm not this person/description? You may not care at this point but lets say a few of you over time become good friends with me on the forum, Facebook or twitter. You form a visual picture in your mind with some feelings and over time have added a few more features to my vitual profile.

                  Would it bother you at some point if you found out I was not that description? Would it make you pause about what you may have told me. Take it a step further. You actually have extended feelings toward me but I may really be "your" father, mother or a family member but I never have to tell you since we never meet ot talk via "normal" interactive situations. We have become avatars in non-sensory space. We can be whoever we want.

                  Now that would be very unsettling for me as I am sure it would be for many of you. There are things I would never say to a family member or opposite sex. I would really want that 6th sense. Or would you rather not know?

                  I am sure many of you will not comment on this thread but haven't any of you wondered about this? Maybe that is why a PM is more appropriate then posting it here.

                  Should I even be writing this thread in public? ::

                  Thanks to Mary Poppins for making my Sunday more interesting.
                  Did you fall asleep in the middle of my pm? Better than any sleeping medicatation you could buy over the counter... that's for sure.

                  I'll tell ya a story but it will most likely make you drowsy so don't operate any heavy machinery after reading this until you have had a cup of joe.

                  Back in the day I was on an adoption debate board with a lot of women who were trying to adopt and some who had adopted or were adopted. Open adoption was a HOT HOT topic in those days. It would cause explosive fireworks debates in a split second. Most of the pro open adoption folks were birthmothers who were denied access to their child after being told when they relinquished parental rights that they would have access to them (face to face visits promised). So the birthmothers were the walking wounded because of the betrayal.

                  The folks against face to face open adoption were primarily the prospective adoptive parents and some already adopters.

                  So we are on the boards for YEARS together and there was a lady on there who had a three year old adopted daughter AND the child's birthmother was on the board too. They had a really magical open adoption and were very entwined into each others lives. Whenever the debate threads were ready to die down the birthmother of her kid would come on and tell us how wonderful the adoptive parent was and how sad she was that there was so many of the adopters who didn't care enough about the birthmother and their child to share the child.

                  Well come to find out the adoptive mother made up the birthmother. She wasn't on the board... had never posted... the whole thing was a made up deal. The adoptive mother had befriended a number of the board birthmothers and gave out contact info. They had gone as far as talking on the phone many times over the years. The adoptive mother counselled a LOT of hurting women.

                  The adoptive mother decided to kill off the birthmother and that's when it got very very nasty. She claimed she committed suicide. The suspicious posters started digging and found out that no one by the name, age, or sex of the birthmother had died in the area they had "both" claimed to live in. At that time newspapers were starting to print obits and with a young woman such as the birthmother there was suspicion because there was NOTHING in the press and nothing in the obits.

                  So one of the birthmothers who the adoptive parent befriended lived really close to where the adoptive mom lived and did some online research about the names given and somehow actually found the birthmother. She found her working at a big box drug store alive and well. She had never heard of the board and was not in an open adoption. She was mentally handicapped and lost her baby by adoption because she was unable to care for her. The only part of the story that was true was she had placed her daughter for adoption to this poster. The rest was all made up.

                  This ruse went on for YEARS. The adoptive mom posting about OA and then soon enough the birthmother came along and verified what a great adoptive mom she was. It was impossible to even debate the adoptive mom because she had her own child's birthmother coming along saying how wonderful she was and how whatever open adoption relationship she was debating was true and easy to do.

                  The adoptive mom had given SO many real life details that when she killed off the birthmother in her ruse it was enough details to figure out the story wasn't real.

                  Now I never suspected the birthmother wasn't real. The only thing I suspected was that the stories weren't real. They just didn't make sense. I never had any non board convos with her and I debated her pretty strongly. The birthmothers were very upset because they had developed a personal relationship with her and gave her a ton of their personal stories they would want private over YEARS.

                  It took a long time for the people who were hoodwinked by her to get over it. It reset the board because the ultimate open adoption with verification posters were no longer there. It reset the debates because the outer limit had just been found to be not real.

                  I'm still friends with two of the ladies on that board. It was a trip and honestly very hurtful to the ones who spent a couple of years confiding in her and following her advice.
                  http://www.amazon.com/Daycare-Whispe...=doing+daycare

                  Comment

                  • Countrygal
                    Advanced Daycare.com Member
                    • Aug 2011
                    • 976

                    #10
                    I voted "thinking about it" because the best answer I can give is "Sometimes". There have also been times that I have been completely fooled by someone.

                    For me, the time I spend "talking" to them makes a difference. Oftentimes there are little things you can pick up on.

                    Have you ever talked to one of the trollers trying to get you to buy something or send them some money? Have you ever purposely kept the conversation going? It's rather fun. Usually they won't play along, but sometimes you get a young one or a new one or a bored one and they'll actually open up a little. I learned a lot that way.

                    On normal threads like this, I definitely sometimes pick up on stuff, but not quickly and only if I am searching. If I'm just reading and not paying much attention, then "no".

                    But then, I've been fooled by people in real life as well! ::

                    The points you bring up are very true and very valid. The ways I find out if people are who they really say they are, IF I am interested in finding out are 1) become a "friend" to them, realizing that I am doing it to get to know that person no matter who they turn out to be - even a prison inmate pretending to be someone else (there is a LOT of this)
                    2) "follow" them as much as possible. Ask them their interests and try to find them on other forums, and ask what other forums they are on and become members. "friend" them on Facebook and Twitter and wherever else they have an account, follow their blogs
                    3) Spend copious amounts of time with them. :confused: IMO, that's about the only way I, personally, can get even an inkling of who the person really is.

                    Another thing to really think about are the "lurkers". One of my fears/worries is that all social service workers are members of this forum. I know if I was a Daycare Certifier I would be. I'm sure many of them are. They read everything I post. If I slip up, well........ who knows??:confused:

                    Anyway, I know none of my family "follows" me because most of them barely have internet!:::::: But there are other people that could, like my very nosey neighbor, my ex, my gs's parents. Lots of people I would not want to see everything I am thinking.

                    This is not a world for "confessing", in my mind. No sixth sense will really tell you what that person will do with that information, just like there are always those who will be able to fool you in "real" life.

                    My opinions only!

                    Comment

                    • Countrygal
                      Advanced Daycare.com Member
                      • Aug 2011
                      • 976

                      #11
                      Originally posted by Michael
                      I had a friend that actually paid money to that Nigerian scam and she had a Masters Degree.
                      Those are the ones I actually talked to on several occasions. One guy even told me where he lived and about his family, and yes, he finally, after about an hour admitted the scam, but only because he knew I knew, I didn't hide the fact. I made it clear from the start I knew it was a scam and that I wanted to talk to him about HIM, I wasn't interested in the scam.

                      Comment

                      • Blackcat31
                        • Oct 2010
                        • 36124

                        #12
                        I personally enjoy the virtual world. Not because people can be someone other than who they really are, but because I truly believe that despite who people "pretend" or try to be, their real personalities come out and give them away.....at least to me.

                        My rational for this is that appearances create a thousand pre-conceived notions about a person loooong before they even utter a word. I may look at someone's clothing, facial expression, body language and a million other things and decide a few things based on what I see. The conclusions I come to when I "see" someone are rooted deeply into the cultures, customs and basically tied to the way I was raised and grown. They may not all be right or wrong assumptions but they are immediate knee jerk assumptions that come to mind. We ALL do this. We may not all come up with the same assumptions, but we do all make these quick little judgements when we see someone before speaking with them.

                        I prefer the internet/virtual world for getting to really know someone. (Like you, Michael, I tend to trust everyone unless I have reason to do so.) However, I am also able to pick up little things in a person's words that tells me ALOT about the person. I "see" things in the words they use, the sentence structure and the general feel of what they say. Yes, people can "pretend" to be something/someone they are not but it is truly a difficult thing to pull off post after post after post without giving something (even miniscule) away.

                        I am also drawn to certain posters for the same little reasons. The places they add smilies to, the words they choose, the things they are offended by and the things they laugh at are all indicators of commonality between myself and someone else.

                        I also think a person's self-esteem or self-image plays alot into how well you are able to really read another person as who they are. I don't take offense when someone says something that could be taken harshly unless they outright say somthing like, "you ****" or whatever, I assume the best in most folks and always assume most people are simply looking for something (what they are looking for is as individual as the person) but rarely is it to hurt another person or to outright lie to them or be someone they are not.

                        Then there is the other side of the coin (me). If I do find someone's motives to be untrue or false or even just plain mean or deceitful, I can be a very unforgiving. I tend to simply stand back and allow them the space they need to "out" themselves as I believe most people cannot continue a charade forever (unless truly psychopathic or mentally unstable in the first place) and most times will stumble or trip and give themselves away. How long that takes is also an individual thing.

                        I also believe I am also a pretty good judge of character and can forgive when warranted, tolerate when necessary and also be a bit vindictive and revengeful if I feel the need. Which in my opinion, vindictive and or revengeful tendencies are self-serving so it is not often I go that route. I am an optimist and believe that there is a good in everyone and that we all deserve to be trusted and perceived as having positive intentions before others become attached or muddle up in any negative or biased judgments against us.


                        (I don't really believe in horoscopes or those kinds of things but I am a Scorpio if that adds anything to the mix...... LOL!! )

                        Comment

                        • Childminder
                          Advanced Daycare.com Member
                          • Oct 2009
                          • 1500

                          #13
                          I believe I've developed a sense over the years not because of the internet but it has carried over to the internet. I tend to be dead on about people with my first impressions. My issue is that I don't always listen to theses feelings like I should, as often as I should. I feel like I am a good person and wish to believe others are too even though I had that "feeling". Reading a posting I get these feelings about the person but giving the anonymity of the internet I tend to just avoid and not really care. Liken it to reading a story, book, a novel and take from it what I want.
                          I see little people.

                          Comment

                          • Meeko
                            Advanced Daycare.com Member
                            • Mar 2011
                            • 4351

                            #14
                            After a while I think the "real" person starts to creep out anyway. If some of the posters here were to write something as unregistered, I may know who they are simply by the WAY they write. There are some here who have a very distinctive writing pattern. They use the same words often, spell the same word wrong all the time...that kind of thing.

                            I discovered that posting unregistered doesn't work for me. I tried it when I was new to the boards and wrote some mean things to a few people in temper. That was before I came to know and understand their "personalities" better and now greatly respect them.

                            I am now going to "come out" because I hope it will help people "know" me better. Maybe some of you more intuitive ones will not be surprised by this.

                            "Unregistered" posted about her son being a sociopath and some of the problems this has caused. That was me.

                            I find this thread interesting because I have seen first hand how what people may see and perceive is not always genuine.

                            Many think of my son (he is 30) as a very sweet person. A pillar of the community. They would trust him with their lives. Those who have had closer contact with him begin to see that "something isn't right" and those who have been in the thick of it his whole life, know hell in it's true form.

                            I guess the way we look at people, our expectations, shape us as humans. Sometimes our personalities mesh...sometimes they don't. Sometimes we really just don't know a person like we think we do.

                            Maybe your best friend is someone I don't ever want to be around. Maybe the neighbor you can't stand is someone I would adore.......

                            Online relationships can be even more complex as we cannot see the facial expressions, hear the voice etc. We "see" the person very differently from say, a next door neighbor.

                            I think we do develop a sixth sense, but the question is whether it's telling us the truth?? :confused::confused:

                            We are such complex creatures are we not?! I guess that's why I love dogs so much...easier to understand!!!::::

                            Comment

                            • Blackcat31
                              • Oct 2010
                              • 36124

                              #15
                              Originally posted by Meeko
                              After a while I think the "real" person starts to creep out anyway. If some of the posters here were to write something as unregistered, I may know who they are simply by the WAY they write. There are some here who have a very distinctive writing pattern. They use the same words often, spell the same word wrong all the time...that kind of thing.

                              I discovered that posting unregistered doesn't work for me. I tried it when I was new to the boards and wrote some mean things to a few people in temper. That was before I came to know and understand their "personalities" better and now greatly respect them.

                              I am now going to "come out" because I hope it will help people "know" me better. Maybe some of you more intuitive ones will not be surprised by this.

                              "Unregistered" posted about her son being a sociopath and some of the problems this has caused. That was me.

                              I find this thread interesting because I have seen first hand how what people may see and perceive is not always genuine.

                              Many think of my son (he is 30) as a very sweet person. A pillar of the community. They would trust him with their lives. Those who have had closer contact with him begin to see that "something isn't right" and those who have been in the thick of it his whole life, know hell in it's true form.

                              I guess the way we look at people, our expectations, shape us as humans. Sometimes our personalities mesh...sometimes they don't. Sometimes we really just don't know a person like we think we do.

                              Maybe your best friend is someone I don't ever want to be around. Maybe the neighbor you can't stand is someone I would adore.......

                              Online relationships can be even more complex as we cannot see the facial expressions, hear the voice etc. We "see" the person very differently from say, a next door neighbor.

                              I think we do develop a sixth sense, but the question is whether it's telling us the truth?? :confused::confused:

                              We are such complex creatures are we not?! I guess that's why I love dogs so much...easier to understand!!!::::
                              Meeko~ I just wanted to tell you that you are spot on with what you saying IMHO. I knew "unregistered" was you in regards to your son. How did I know? Because of the "feel" of your words and the way you worded your sentences. Mostly though because of my 6th sense or my own instincts.

                              I do think some people pay no mind to those types of things but I do, not always conscientiously but I know I pay attention to that.

                              I also feel I have gotten to know a bit about you just chatting and some of the things you feel strongly about or even things you let slide, tell me that you have had experience with a person like your son. I have been there as well and maybe that is why I picked up on that when you posted I don't know, but I do think our own experiences influence our 6th sense immensely.

                              I also think we are naturally drawn to people we have things in common with.

                              Whether our 6th sense is lying or telling the truth is something to consider but again, I think that has to do with our own perceptions and understanding of ourselves from within.

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