Resentful Toward DH for His "Easy Job"?? How to Deal with the Daily Grind?

[SunshineMama]

My parents had an equal partnership and are married going on 50 years and still going. My dad made bread, cleaned, cooked dinner and worked. My mom did the same.

I do understand what you're saying about "roles" but IMO that's not the problem. I see men today as much much much more lazy then men back then. My dad worked HARD and then came home and continued to work. Fixing this or that, painting, cooking or whatever. He didn't play basketball or go play poker with friends or watch tv all evening long like men today. I honestly think that's what the issue is. Men had more respect for themselves and took family more seriously. Today's men have been so babied by their own mommas they expect it to continue when they get married.

I see a trend with this as well. My dh lived off of his parents until he was 21, then I supported him through college because he had to "concentrate on his grades" and couldnt work and go to school at the same time (even though I did ). His older brother, 34, still lives at home. His mom is fully supporting his other brothers, 23 and 18. His mom was a nurse, and I have witnessed her working 12 hour shifts, then coming home to cook, clean, and do laundry, and clean. If she didnt do it, it did not get done.

She ended up divorcing their dad, after finding out that he had fathered yet a SECOND child out of wedlock.

My dh is not like his father, thankfully, but no one in their right mind would look at our situation as an equal partnership, with the way things are.

[AmyLeigh]

"No it's not just a male thing. But the male ego is more fragile than we realize. Women just hate to admit it. If they admit it, then they would have to treat their men better."

wow Amy...dont even want to respond to that but I will ....it is very convenient for men to use the "ego is fragile" card. Maybe it is but my point is, EVERY person needs some appreciation and tenderness. How can you read the OP's vent and not feel some sort of compassion for her situation? How can you not at least hold her husband to some accountability for this situation? Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....no one is disputing that possibility. What most of us are saying though is that he DOES have some of the burden in finding a solution to this problem. He can't just bury his head in the sand and go hid because his ego has been hurt. What kind of man sits by, heads out to play basketball with his buddies, when his wife is exhausted and hurting and alone to do yet more work? He's not blind. He can't be oblivious to what she is going through right now.

Compassion? Yup. More like empathy. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt in therapy. It was an issue that my therapist and I discussed at length. I have a long history of being overwhelmed and underappreciated. It's not about him. It's about what I do in response to my feelings. How I approach him when asking for help. I had to take responsibility for my feelings before expecting him to take responsibility in the situation. You can't change another person. You can only change how you treat them. You say that he has some responsibility in finding a solution to the problem. What if he doesn't realize there is a problem? Maybe he is that oblivious. Many a man has been blind sided by their wives yelling at them, or even leaving because they couldn't take it anymore. When we suffer in silence, then we can't assume that the man in our lives is sitting there thinking, 'haha, got her to do all the dishes, laundry, deal with the kids, and I get to play basketball with my buddies.' Nope. He's thinking, "basketball." :: They are not mind readers. They see us handling it all so well, it doesn't even come on their radar that we may want them to take over some of the responsibilities.
It all comes down to open, calm, respectful communication. OP posted that she is going to do this.

[littlemissmuffet]

I am going to hug my DH tonight (or at lunch today since he comes in every afternoon to help me) because my DH is the exact opposite.

He does EVERYTHING that is needed around the house. He works just as much as I do and happily does chores around the house too. He keeps everything running smoothly outside and has no issues doing laundry or dishes. His mother even taught all 5 of her boys to sew! As a matter of fact, he is the one who makes our bed every day!

He plans and cooks dinner EVERY night so it is ready when I get home. He grocery shops with me and is my partner in every way!

lovethis This thread just made me appreciate him that much more! lovethis

OP~ wishing I had some good advice for you. All I can offer is that open communication between the two of you is the only thing that is going to help. You two need to sit down and discuss exactly what you both expect from and for each other. Nothing will ever change unless you both make the effort.

Me too!

I wish every marriage was a partnership like ours! Lucky us! lovethis

[daycare]

I see a trend with this as well. My dh lived off of his parents until he was 21, then I supported him through college because he had to "concentrate on his grades" and couldnt work and go to school at the same time (even though I did ). His older brother, 34, still lives at home. His mom is fully supporting his other brothers, 23 and 18. His mom was a nurse, and I have witnessed her working 12 hour shifts, then coming home to cook, clean, and do laundry, and clean. If she didnt do it, it did not get done.

She ended up divorcing their dad, after finding out that he had fathered yet a SECOND child out of wedlock.

My dh is not like his father, thankfully, but no one in their right mind would look at our situation as an equal partnership, with the way things are.

I agree that there is a trend, but why does it have to continue?

My huband lived at home (excluding college) his entire life. He was 31 when we met and still lived at home, 34 when we moved in together. I know a lot of it had to do with his culture, his mom does everything.

She runs a hospital, is a doctor, works 12 hours days 6+ days a week and is currently dying of a terminal illness (its so so sad) She currently has her 37 year old daughter and grand daughter living at home with them. MY SIL has NEVER moved out, never washed a dish, folded laundry, basically long list short, she has never had to live one day of reality.
My husband was not much different.

I used to get so mad at my husband, that was until I finally realized that I was dealing with a MAN CHILD. I basically had to sit down and spell it all out for him. AND I had to do it often. I taught him how to take care of our house, the kids, and what not.

Know this, they won't get good at it, if you don't let them do it.

[nannyde]

Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....

Or maybe he doesn't want to do the HARD work that is caring for young children, cooking, cleaning, laundry all at the same time.

I believe that most men that don't want to participate as equal workers in these life responsibilities don't want to do the work. It's hard. It can be very boring. It's endless and the things that work one day won't work the next. They all have to be done at the same time and it's ever changing.

Stuff like putting kids to bed without changing them into jammies and cleaning them before bed isn't a MAN thing. it's a "I don't want to do it" thing.

We need to stop making silly excuses for it. There's no such thing as man work or woman work unless BOTH partners agree to it. Then it's a family decision. I don't think most women today... specially women who are doing the HARD work of child care... would believe that a man couldn't do exactly what she does by practice, knowledge seeking, and a good work ethic.

There's nothing I do in a course of the day that a man couldn't do. It has nothing to do with gender. It's just WORK and you have to DO it to be good at it.

[SunshineMama]

I agree that there is a trend, but why does it have to continue?

My huband lived at home (excluding college) his entire life. He was 31 when we met and still lived at home, 34 when we moved in together. I know a lot of it had to do with his culture, his mom does everything.

She runs a hospital, is a doctor, she currently has her 37 year old daughter and grand daughter living at home with them. MY SIL has NEVER moved out, never washed a dish, folded laundry, basically long list short, she has never had to live one day of reality.
My husband was not much different.

I used to get so mad at my husband, that was until I finally realized that I was dealing with a MAN CHILD. I basically had to sit down and spell it all out for him. AND I had to do it often. I taught him how to take care of our house, the kids, and what not.

Know this, they won't get good at it, if you don't let them do it.

Wait... didn't you say before that your dh is from the Phillos? Mine is too (I think in the previous thread I was talking about my friend from the Phillos bc I didnt want to oust dh but this whole thread kinda does that so I might as well not be alone with the cultural shock). And his dad was an orthopedic surgeon and his mom heads up the OBGYN dept at a well known hospital- so they are a smart family- how can such smart people raise such lazy children? DH and his older sibs were born there and the younger ones were born over here. That "tough job" he does now... I filled out all of the applications and did all of the pre-job online screenings for him. Sigh..

We met in high school and have been together since then. He has come a loooooong way, but theres still more work to do, starting with a well thought out chat.

[Country Kids]

There is a difference between being lazy and not being created to do things.

Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.

Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.

Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.

I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.

[daycare]

Wait... didn't you say before that your dh is from the Phillos? Mine is too (I think in the previous thread I was talking about my friend from the Phillos bc I didnt want to oust dh but this whole thread kinda does that so I might as well not be alone with the cultural shock). And his dad was an orthopedic surgeon and his mom heads up the OBGYN dept at a well known hospital- so they are a smart family- how can such smart people raise such lazy children? DH and his older sibs were born there and the younger ones were born over here. That "tough job" he does now... I filled out all of the applications and did all of the pre-job online screenings for him. Sigh..

We met in high school and have been together since then. He has come a loooooong way, but theres still more work to do, starting with a well thought out chat.

LMAO yup!!~! ditto ditto ditto...

I took me almost 4 years to figure out that it was my husbands culture. That he is a MAN CHILD. In the beginning, stupid me was basically doing what his mother was doing because I thought that is what I needed to do.

But then reality hit me on my head (ok my sister did becase I was always upset) and I stopped. I still have to check his chore chart like I do the kids. I also have to make him give me his weekly schedule on google calendar of everything that he needs to do for the week. I make him take care of all of his own stuff now too. LIke when he was starting medical school, I am the one who got all of his transcripts and what not....

NO way no more. I take care of my dreams and goals I have as an individual and you do yours, everything else we do together....

[Country Kids]

Wait... didn't you say before that your dh is from the Phillos? Mine is too (I think in the previous thread I was talking about my friend from the Phillos bc I didnt want to oust dh but this whole thread kinda does that so I might as well not be alone with the cultural shock). And his dad was an orthopedic surgeon and his mom heads up the OBGYN dept at a well known hospital- so they are a smart family- how can such smart people raise such lazy children? DH and his older sibs were born there and the younger ones were born over here. That "tough job" he does now... I filled out all of the applications and did all of the pre-job online screenings for him. Sigh..

We met in high school and have been together since then. He has come a loooooong way, but theres still more work to do, starting with a well thought out chat.

So are his parents this way like your hubby. The wife doing most of the work or not. How does the dynamics of the older generation work? You might look into that and see if its just the culture.

[SunshineMama]

So are his parents this way like your hubby. The wife doing most of the work or not. How does the dynamics of the older generation work? You might look into that and see if its just the culture.

His dad worked outside the home and did nothing else. His mom worked outside the home, raised 5 boys, and did everything that was needed, so he is very comfortable being waited on by a woman. His grandparents on both sides, raised their kids in the Phillos, but had household servents for everything, so all of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare was done by servents.

I am not sure about his aunts and uncles, but when I go to family gatherings, the women do most of the cooking, child care, and cleaning, while the men fill their bellies with food and sit around and drink.

The family that is still overseas all has servents (sorry probably not the proper term- household help?) They have cooks, maids, child-care providers, drivers, etc.

His mom is in her mid 50's and still breaking her back and supporting 3/5 of her adult male children. And when they go to her house to visit and she works a full 12 hour day, they still sit around and have her cook for them and clean up afterwards. (I always jump in and try to have dinner etc ready when I am present to help her out, and I do get on all of them to help- sometimes they do, and sometimes they magically disappear).

[SunshineMama]

LMAO yup!!~! ditto ditto ditto...

I took me almost 4 years to figure out that it was my husbands culture. That he is a MAN CHILD. In the beginning, stupid me was basically doing what his mother was doing because I thought that is what I needed to do.

But then reality hit me on my head (ok my sister did becase I was always upset) and I stopped. I still have to check his chore chart like I do the kids. I also have to make him give me his weekly schedule on google calendar of everything that he needs to do for the week. I make him take care of all of his own stuff now too. LIke when he was starting medical school, I am the one who got all of his transcripts and what not....

NO way no more. I take care of my dreams and goals I have as an individual and you do yours, everything else we do together....

I do feel better knowing that I am not alone! Hmm, maybe I should do a chore chart for him too

I have to be in charge of his schedule too! The other day I was irritated so I did not wake him up for work (the second time). I said, time to get up and he goes, "come back in 10 minutes and get me," like I am going to stop doing daycare to be his alarm clock. I said no way!

He was 30 minutes late because he never woke up on time. LOL! Oh these men! We need to have a wives of Pinoy men club!

[Country Kids]

So how can you really fault him when this is the way he was raised? Seriously, that is the only life he has ever seen! In a way if you've known him this long, you should have seen this way before marriage and know that he would probably be that way.

One he probably sees what his mom does for a living and then still does everything at home. Then when he sees you at home all day (believe me I know we aren't eating bon-bons) but then you want him to help, he seriously isn't going to get it.

Two, even though he lives here, he still is very strong in his culture. Believe me I am married to someone from another culture and they so want to hang on to "The ways back home" and back home is still here in the states but everyone from the same culture lived there.

Now that I hear about his background, I can't really fault him. He was raised that way and sounds like his whole family does it the same way. Probably no changing him anytime soon.

[daycare]

I do feel better knowing that I am not alone! Hmm, maybe I should do a chore chart for him too

I have to be in charge of his schedule too! The other day I was irritated so I did not wake him up for work (the second time). I said, time to get up and he goes, "come back in 10 minutes and get me," like I am going to stop doing daycare to be his alarm clock. I said no way!

He was 30 minutes late because he never woke up on time. LOL! Oh these men! We need to have a wives of Pinoy men club!

OMG I just almost threw up reading your post from trying not to laugh. My kidneys are hurting so bad right now...................

Um your husband does not have a 3 letter name does he? Are we talkiong about the same man??

wives of Pinoy men club! lmao hahahahhahahaha I gotta tell my hubby that....He might get mad oh well.....

[SunshineMama]

OMG I just almost threw up reading your post from trying not to laugh. My kidneys are hurting so bad right now...................

Um your husband does not have a 3 letter name does he? Are we talkiong about the same man??

wives of Pinoy men club! lmao hahahahhahahaha I gotta tell my hubby that....He might get mad oh well.....

HAHA- well he has 4 names (His dad named all of his 5 sons the exact same first name-his LOL) but his shortened second name, the name we call him by, has 3 letters! HAHA! This is getting funnier and funnier!

Has your dh gotten you to eat Balut yet?

[daycare]

HAHA- well he has 4 names (His dad named all of his 5 sons the exact same first name-his LOL) but his shortened second name, the name we call him by, has 3 letters! HAHA! This is getting funnier and funnier!

Has your dh gotten you to eat Balut yet?

OMG yeah he has a really long first name. I think its his dads and both grandpas put together but we call him a 3 letter name.

Oh hell NO....I don't eat weird food. No lumpia, none of that crazy stuff...

I don't like meat....