Child Care, Older Kids And Sleepovers - Am I Alone?

[nannyde]

I'm sorry you have had such a hard time of it Nan. It is bad parents like this that put good parents in a tight spot. You shouldn't have to feed every kid and basically provide tons of free childcare. Shame on them for not wanting to host your son every now and then.

I've never minded feeding the kids. I know they don't get home made food and it does the heart good knowing how MUCH these kids crave some healthy home made meals. They are all boys and have huge appetites. I always buy a few extra gallons of milk, pop, and fruit for them when I know they are on break from school. I know how HUNGRY these kids get over the breaks and it breaks my heart. Some of them really have food insecurity so when they are here they devour the food.

If they are here they eat. I've always done it that way. I wouldn't mind a bit if we could all share the care. It's the selfishness of the parents that bugs me. I look at these families and see what the kid who comes to day care in their night diaper with a ****er in their mouth looks like as a middle schooler. It's really sad how disengaged the parents are and how MANY of them there are. They just don't care.

[AnneCordelia]

My personal children have weekend long sleepovers all the time. I don't think it's fair to your personal children to make them miss out on things because of the job that you chose to do.

Life is not fair. *shrug* I don't feel my kids are missing out on some great life experience because they don't get sleepovers. They get so much more because I am gainfully employed. I don't feel guilty about this and don't believe it to be wrong; I just don't.

This job works on so many levels better than other options for this mother of four. Sacrificing sleepovers and extended playdates because I don't want to spend my weekend caring for other peoples kids is really a minor drawback when you calculate how much good comes to my own kids from me doing daycare.

[cheerfuldom]

Life is not fair. *shrug* I don't feel my kids are missing out on some great life experience because they don't get sleepovers. They get so much more because I am gainfully employed. I don't feel guilty about this and don't believe it to be wrong; I just don't.

This job works on so many levels better than other options for this mother of four. Sacrificing sleepovers and extended playdates because I don't want to spend my weekend caring for other peoples kids is really a minor drawback when you calculate how much good comes to my own kids from me doing daycare.

yup, yup, yup. agree to all, especially the bold. There is NO occupation out there that does not require some sacrifice on the kids part. The benefits of having all their needs met far outweighs the cons of not having every single luxury and yes, I feel that sleepovers are luxury

[MNMum]

It ****s. I live in a very middle class neighborhood with average families in the middle of the state in the middle of the country. Couldn't be more middle if I tried.

The kids just keep coming over here. Had one of them here at the stroke of eight a.m this morning :confused: They have started blowing my phone up because I chase them off the property when they come over. Have to get ds his own cell phone now.

I don't really talk to the parents much but I'm sure they are starting to figure out they don't have a free babysitter after school and on the weekends. When their kid comes over they just end up going back home so eventually the parents will get that I'm not just in a bad mood that day. I've tried to explain to the kids that I now have the same rules as their parents have but it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

I'm sure the parents don't spend a minute lamenting over it. They just have a really simple rule: No kids in my house and NO kids in my yard. When my son asks to go to the other kids house the kids just say "my parents don't allow kids at my house". They seem to accept it with their own parents and the other kids parents.

I can completely see your frustration in this situation, and think your decision to put your foot down is a good one.

Nan, I have had the opposite problem. We just built a house in a neighborhood going up. There are kids my children's ages in each of the other 8 homes that are finished. For the first 6 mos, no one would allow their children into my yard or home. The other girls told my daughter that, "My mom says I can't come over, your mom has her hands full already." I had to tell my girls to pass on that "My mom said it is okay." I don't take in school aged daycare kids, for that reason, so my schoolagers can have their friends over. All of the adults and kids know each other, we see each other daily in nice weather. The other families keep such a tight rein on their kids, they aren't allowed out of their sight. I am comfortable with my kids in each of their homes, as long as they ask before leaving. We finally had a family move in that sees the value in childhood friendships. Their child is 5 days younger than my 6 year old, and they play at each others homes equally. Now I just need to find a playmate for my 3rd grader.

[BigMama]

Wow. Nan, you're post makes me really sad. I can't believe how disrespectful your neighbors are. It seems as though they have no respect for the fact that what you do is your business & livelihood. I mean are they thinking, What's one more???? Are they clueless or just plain rude? I feel bad for your son as well as he has played a wonderful host but never had the pleasure of being a welcomed guest. Nan, just wondering how old your son is? I am wondering if the other parents in your neighborhood were different when the children were younger (I mean were they more involved and inviting but changed as the kids got older)? Just curious.
I find with my guys and gal that as they entered the teenage years that many parents were less inviting to having kids hanging out. I feel completely different - as they get older the more I want them at home. When they do ask to go over to a friends house, they give me such grief because I demand to speak with the parent(s) first. One time I thought my youngest was going to die of embarrassment because I asked his friend's mother if she had a carbon monoxide detector and if there were any firearms in the home.
Even though I do like for them to be home (and would rather know they were here being watched and safe) I totally identify with the OP. After 10 hour days of child care PLUS cleaning, planning, errands, etc. I do not always feel like having quests. I don't think she is being selfish at all. I never, not once had a friend sleep over my house when I was a child (a completely foreign concept to my mother) and I turned out ok ::

[saved4always]

I totally agree. We have a revolving door here and although it's loud and sometimes crazy (there were 7 kids here last Tuesday night) I know all my kids friends and they like being here. I just keep lots of snacks, board games and movies around and ban them from my bedroom so there is a haven. ::

Yes...I also always retreat to the peace of my bedroom when a sleepover is going on. Got my books, tv, nail polish, and nook. They will let me know if there is any emergency they need me for....! ::

[saved4always]

I love how some of the moms here are very into knowing their kids friends and hosting things like sleepovers. That is something your kids will never forget. All I ask though is that we all have some compassion for the OP and for the fact that not every parent has the same parenting style. Just because she does not have sleepovers for now does not mean that she is not creating memories, getting to know her kids and their friends, etc. Parents can find ways to do that outside of sleepovers. I am only posting this because I know how hard it is to have a houseful of kids and then people make you feel bad when you say no to babysitting on the weekend, friends coming over, working in the childrens nursery or ministries.....just from my point of view, I am very exhausted of other peoples kids and just want to be around my own family on the weekend. I know sometimes other people make me feel bad about that and I hope that we dont accidentally do that to the OP.

Totally agree. When my daughter was younger, I did not do sleepovers. At that point, her friends were also younger and it would have been more work for me....it would have felt more like providing free overnight babysitting . I think she did her first sleepover here when she was like 7 yo or so. Now that she is older, I am not really needed when she does sleepovers with her friends now and it keeps her busy. When she doesn't have a friend over, she gets bored and wants me to entertain her. In my situation, a sleepover is less work. If I was pregnant and had younger children, the situation would be totally different and I know I would totally balk at doing sleepovers here.

And I can totally relate to the working the children's ministries and nursery at church. I have no desire to help with those ministries at all because I work with small children all week. I only help with these when I am backed into a corner...!

[saved4always]

Nan, I am so sorry that you have been taken advantage of this way. I think I would feel the same way you do if the families in my neighborhood were like those in yours. Shame on them for being so selfish and especially for thier lack of responsibility and care for thier own children. That is just so sad!

[nannyde]

Wow. Nan, you're post makes me really sad. I can't believe how disrespectful your neighbors are. It seems as though they have no respect for the fact that what you do is your business & livelihood. I mean are they thinking, What's one more???? Are they clueless or just plain rude? I feel bad for your son as well as he has played a wonderful host but never had the pleasure of being a welcomed guest. Nan, just wondering how old your son is? I am wondering if the other parents in your neighborhood were different when the children were younger (I mean were they more involved and inviting but changed as the kids got older)? Just curious.
I find with my guys and gal that as they entered the teenage years that many parents were less inviting to having kids hanging out. I feel completely different - as they get older the more I want them at home. When they do ask to go over to a friends house, they give me such grief because I demand to speak with the parent(s) first. One time I thought my youngest was going to die of embarrassment because I asked his friend's mother if she had a carbon monoxide detector and if there were any firearms in the home.
Even though I do like for them to be home (and would rather know they were here being watched and safe) I totally identify with the OP. After 10 hour days of child care PLUS cleaning, planning, errands, etc. I do not always feel like having quests. I don't think she is being selfish at all. I never, not once had a friend sleep over my house when I was a child (a completely foreign concept to my mother) and I turned out ok ::

When I was coming up my Mom had very close friends with kids my age. They brought us all up together so we had many times when the "cousins" were with us. They worked different shifts and did child care for each other. It was just a way of life for a single parent in those days.

When I lived with my Dad and stepmother we never had sleep overs. The house was 800 sq foot with six kids and two adults. It was unheard of to have friends spend the night. There was little room for us.

The neighbors were this way from DAY ONE. From the time my son was old enough to go out front on the sidewalk in front of my house the kids started coming here. They allowed their kids to run the neighborhood way before I did so they would come from all the streets surrounding the park. I've known these kids since they were four and five years old. They are all now 9 to 13. My son is nearly twelve.

I don't want to hijack the thread at all. This was a post I have actually written a few times and didn't post because I've been struggling for a long time on how to manage it. I've tried to just enforce the same rules the other families have but it has been hard. My son begs me to host these kids and he is an only child. I feel bad for him because I want him to have kids to play with. Once I started hosting the kids I started to feel bad for a lot of them because they are not well taken care of. Their parents are NOT poor and have the resources to provide and supervise. They are just selfish and negligent and can't be bothered by their kids. My first clue should have been the four year old kid who lived on the other side of the park coming over by himself. That's how it all got started.

I have gone back and forth on this for a long time but I always cave because I now know and love a lot of these kids. I feel a responsibility to them when I know we have so much and they get so little. The food thing BUGS THE HELL out of me so I just provide for them. I hate to see kids hungry or plied with really crappy food every day. When they come and tell me all they had today was toaster strudels and Quick trip hot dogs it makes me sad for them. They are starving for REAL food.

[Meyou]

That is not what I meant, which I've explained. I never said I didn't allow sleepovers, I just said I didn't FEEL like it and didn't really want to. My kids don't miss out on much, except for things like trips to Disney and such that are ridiculously expensive. My biggest problem with sleepovers, at least in my oldest son's case (he's 11) is that they want to stay up SO very late, and I'm generally in bed and asleep by 9:30pm. My DH usually stays up later and he's normally the one in charge of making sure they get to bed, but in this case he wasn't available and so it was all on me.

Cheerfuldom, thank you. lovethis


I'm not going to quote your post because it's a long one, but Nan - my goodness! That would drive me up the wall!! I completely understand your feelings considering your neighborhood. It sounds just awful. Have any of the neighbors or kids commented on the change?

I just wanted to add that I do say no sometimes. I go to bed early too so if dh isn't home and the older girls want friends over I just can't stay up to keep an eye on them. But most of the time I **** it up like you did this weekend and get through it. I like having a quiet mess free house on the weekends but I also like it when my girls are happy and my teens are within earshot.

[Kaddidle Care]

We don't have many sleep-overs here because I am a planner and just don't do last minute things.

I've done very few - and it's usually for a Birthday event.

It also depends on the child. The Home-Schooled children across the street are welcome any time. They are polite, sometimes a bit picky about food and drinks but are very nice children.

My son had one child sleepover that was extremely needy and had the tiniest attention span I've ever seen. (Keep in mind that I have an ADHD child so this should be something I am used to.)

By the next morning I had had it up to my eyeballs with him. I'm usually starved for sleep as I won't go to bed until I know they are all sleeping and they never go to sleep before 11:30.

Nan - I hear you on the lack of reciprocation. We've had several sleepovers here and my son has never been invited to one. It is very similar around these parts as well. Play dates have to be scheduled well in advance as the kids are all very busy with sports, etc. And then they think nothing of cancelling the plans at the last minute which disappoints the kids.

I am lucky in the fact that my son, while he enjoys the video games and such, loves to play outside with his friends. Most of the kids flock to the neighbor's house because she has the most children and there's always someone to play with there. They do bounce from house to house - or I should say yard to yard.

I do not expect the neighbors to feed my child. In the summer she'll sometimes bring out water or a pitcher of iced tea or lemonade. Sometimes we'll send over microwave popcorn for the kids to snack on but meals are done at home.

While my son is rarely invited indoors at the neighbor's house, I understand it because they have oodles of children and a cluttered home. If it's rainy, my son invites some of her children over to play board games, video games or watch a movie. Movies are always accompanied by popcorn and drinks!

In Nan's situation - letting a child bother a neighbor on a Saturday at 8:00 AM is just plain rude. I don't blame you Nan - but your son needs to respond to his friends that they can come play after he gets to play at their house.

No kids in the house or yard? Unheard of! What the heck kind of rules are they? I'm taking it both parents are working and not home? In that case I would agree with that rule but then.. who is watching their kids?

[momofboys]

Do those of you who are full time providers allow your kids to have friends come and sleep over on the weekends?

I worked all day, then watched a friend's children for a couple of hours as a favor (they were here an hour after I'm usually finished), and now my oldest wants to have a friend come over and spend the night. I am 4 mos. pregnant and completely exhausted, and all day long I have been looking forward to going to bed early and sleeping in late, neither of which I'll get to do if the sleepover happens.

Is it selfish of me to want to say no? It may just be hormones talking ( ), but I'm with children all day, every day, and I have ZERO desire to spend time with "extra" children when I'm not working. Am I alone there?

It is hard! I totally agree with you! I have 2 older boys (almost 11 & 8 1/2) & they want to have occasional sleepovers. We have accomodated them a few times but made sure to do it on long weekends (MLK/President's Day, Labor day, etc). That way I still felt like I was having a "normal" weekend but allowed my child to have fun with their friend at our house. Luckily, both of my boys' friends are happy to reciprocate so that makes it worthwhile too!

Nannyde - I am absolutely horrified about your situation! I don't blame you in the least bit for wanting to limit the SA in your home. It is truly sad that their own parents don't care where they are/what they are doing/don't want to be involved in their lives & with their friends' lives. I don't have a solution but hope your son can become involved with some friends who do value spendign time with their children & want to also make your son a fin part of some weekend activities. Chin up sister, be proud that you are a wonderful mom!happyface

[mema]

We do let our kids do sleepovers occasionally. They know tho that they need to be planned before the week is out and Saturdays work better than Fridays. Friday is family night. Everyone is tired from school and work and it is our night to just veg out and watch movies, talk, play games, etc. They can come over late afternoon Sat and must be gone by lunch time on Sunday.

I don't mind doing them. Both our kids friends host too. I prefer that one of my son's friends is here and not there. His friend isn't always nice to his mom and his sister-well let's just say if my daughter acts like her, she will be in boarding school. He is a bit loud and wild, but he is respectful (most of the time) when he is here. I don't want my son to think he can treat people the way those kids do their mom. DS knows not to act like that and if he did it would be the end of going anywhere. The mom also doesn't keep an eye on them. I don't cling to them, but I do check up on them.

All friends know the rules. No food or drink except at the table. We let water go downstairs, but nothing else. If we allow popcorn or chips down for a movie it must get cleaned up or it is no longer allowed. Whatever mess you make, you clean up-toys, blankets, pillows, etc.

[AfterSchoolMom]

We do let our kids do sleepovers occasionally. They know tho that they need to be planned before the week is out and Saturdays work better than Fridays. Friday is family night. Everyone is tired from school and work and it is our night to just veg out and watch movies, talk, play games, etc. They can come over late afternoon Sat and must be gone by lunch time on Sunday.

I really like this. I think from now on, to avoid this situation in the future, we'll do this. Thanks!

[dave4him]

I really like this. I think from now on, to avoid this situation in the future, we'll do this. Thanks!

Id have to drag them to church