Child Care, Older Kids And Sleepovers - Am I Alone?

[saved4always]

That's a good point, and I didn't think of it that way, but you're absolutely right.

I had already told the child that he could come stay when I posted this, so don't think I'm trying to be a big meanie. I just wondered if I was alone in my feelings.

I probably felt more like you when I was pregnant (feels like that was eons ago :. Being the mother of older kids, I just look at a lot of things from a different place in life, ykwim? And, being pregnant makes everything so much harder...you are definitely not a meanie for needing to rest...I agree with Jen...make it as easy on yourself as possible and hopefully they will be so busy together, you won't need to do much of anything.

[momma2girls]

I am not saying that my child suffers because of daycare by any means either!! She has sleepovers here and other houses. I am just saying not every weekend!! She definately does not suffer at all!!!

[dave4him]

im not a big fan of sleep overs, had one a few weeks ago and apprently i was put in charge of keeping them entertained and happy... guess im a butler now too

[countrymom]

we don't do sleepovers here, but just because I have a daycare doesn't mean I want to entertain all night too. Do you think those who work outside the house want to entertain children all night too, nope they don't, heck some don't even want to deal with their own children. My kids go to guide and scout camps and thats as far as we let it get. Also, we have activities on the weekends. Has it ever affected them because I don't allow sleepovers, nope none whatsoever. My house is the house that everyone wants to hang out, I just don't allow anyone one to sleep here.

[Michelle]

I do sleepovers , in fact I have teenage girls and I am the "cool mom" that takes them toilet papering! happyfacehappyface
I think it's a totally different thing when your kids friends come to spend the night You don't have the rules of licensing over your head and you can run around and be a crazy kid with them, make tents, pop popcorn and not worry if someone see's the mess.
I know, I get tired too..I am anemic but I do it for my kids because they grow up so fast.
Sleepovers are when all the crazy and zany stories come from. When your kids are older, they will always remember how much fun they had.
When my sons where at Bible study.. my girls and their friends actually toilet papered the boys bedroom and filled it with ballons::::
Who can forget "truth or dare?" freezing friends socks? crank calling?

We have a lot of fun and these things help me get through the week.
I do know what you mean about extra kids or noise etc. I just think it's a different kind of noise where you can let your hair down and have fun with your kids.

[AnneCordelia]

we don't do sleepovers here, but just because I have a daycare doesn't mean I want to entertain all night too. Do you think those who work outside the house want to entertain children all night too, nope they don't, heck some don't even want to deal with their own children. My kids go to guide and scout camps and thats as far as we let it get. Also, we have activities on the weekends. Has it ever affected them because I don't allow sleepovers, nope none whatsoever. My house is the house that everyone wants to hang out, I just don't allow anyone one to sleep here.

I agree.

Also I see nothing wrong with feeling unwilling to deal with other peoples children overnight because of what I do. I see nothing wrong with it. I do need a break from other peoples children and it enables me to be a better provider and mother.

Daycare is my only work option at this point while my children are young. I would hope that they will see that what I do pays for their home, clothing, food and extracurriculars and be grateful. I need a break from other peoples kids and I am not ashamed to admit that and I do not think it is wrong to feel that way.

[AfterSchoolMom]

Yes. My DH has a computer related job, and he gets really tired of friends and family asking him to fix or troubleshoot their computers. My mother used to drive a schoolbus all day, and she was never thrilled when I wanted her to drive me somewhere after school. I used to work in a "soda shoppe", and it was my job to cook breakfast and lunch every day. I still hate to cook to this very day. I don't see the difference.

[Meyou]

This is just my experience, please take it for what its worth.

My kids friends are ALWAYS welcome in our home. The older kids know where the pop and the chips are, and they know that there is always pizza or burgers in the freezer.

The younger kids take a little more effort on my part, but again they are welcome. I WANT to be the house where every kid goes to handg out. Why subject myself???

Because I know every one of my kids friends. I know what they are doing and where they are going because they are here.

My oldest is a Sr. in High School. This year for Valentines I got a handwritten note from "my boys"--the 5 or 6 basketball players who have been eating me out of house and home since Kindergarden--thanking me for being such a big part of their lives and thanking me for always "being there" for them. They even left me a carnation .

I understand how much effort it is, but its worth every second.

I totally agree. We have a revolving door here and although it's loud and sometimes crazy (there were 7 kids here last Tuesday night) I know all my kids friends and they like being here. I just keep lots of snacks, board games and movies around and ban them from my bedroom so there is a haven. ::

[cheerfuldom]

I love how some of the moms here are very into knowing their kids friends and hosting things like sleepovers. That is something your kids will never forget. All I ask though is that we all have some compassion for the OP and for the fact that not every parent has the same parenting style. Just because she does not have sleepovers for now does not mean that she is not creating memories, getting to know her kids and their friends, etc. Parents can find ways to do that outside of sleepovers. I am only posting this because I know how hard it is to have a houseful of kids and then people make you feel bad when you say no to babysitting on the weekend, friends coming over, working in the childrens nursery or ministries.....just from my point of view, I am very exhausted of other peoples kids and just want to be around my own family on the weekend. I know sometimes other people make me feel bad about that and I hope that we dont accidentally do that to the OP.

[BigMama]

I love how some of the moms here are very into knowing their kids friends and hosting things like sleepovers. That is something your kids will never forget. All I ask though is that we all have some compassion for the OP and for the fact that not every parent has the same parenting style. Just because she does not have sleepovers for now does not mean that she is not creating memories, getting to know her kids and their friends, etc. Parents can find ways to do that outside of sleepovers. I am only posting this because I know how hard it is to have a houseful of kids and then people make you feel bad when you say no to babysitting on the weekend, friends coming over, working in the childrens nursery or ministries.....just from my point of view, I am very exhausted of other peoples kids and just want to be around my own family on the weekend. I know sometimes other people make me feel bad about that and I hope that we dont accidentally do that to the OP.

I lovethis this response.

[nannyde]

This is such a hard one for me too.

I've had a pretty rough time with the neighborhood kids since my son was old enough to play out front. I've had this deal where everyone wants their kids to be at my house but none of them want my kid at their house. In my neighborhood NONE of the parents allow any kids in their house. They all want their kids at someone else's house. I thought it was just that my kid was too annoying to have at their house but after dealing with it for five years and getting to know the parents and the neighborhood kids I know that they have the same rules for every kid. They all have the rule that they don't allow kids on their property or in their home but they are completely okay with their kid being at someone else's house and on their property.

We live right next to a park so that is the default place for all the kids to go. It can get pretty rough there because none of the parents are supervising and all of the parents want their kids outside and away from their house. There's a lot of fighting and problems with the unsupervised school aged kids especially when there is a long weekend or a school break like spring break. The kids get along for a few days but then they start fighting. They have been off of school since Wednesday afternoon so by tomorrow they will be fist fighting.

All of the kids my sons age are video gamers. They don't play sports even though the park has a baseball diamond, tennis court, basketball court and a four acre field. I've gone to the big expense of providing EVERYTHING for a huge group of kids to play sports. I've bought footballs, many basketballs, four tennis raquets, tubes of tennis balls, soccer balls, bats, and gloves. I have EVERYTHING they need to play sports and all of it sits in my garage year after year because these kids will not play together. I even have five bikes because most of the kids don't have working bikes. We live really close to a bike trail that weaves thru Des Moines and goes to a lake in Pleasant Hill. I also have many fishing rods, fishing gear, and pay for bait so they can go fishing. They will do that now and then but they loose interest in it after a day or two.

Dispite having everything they could have to play.... having stuff I never had access to as a child... these kids will not play together. They aren't interested in anything that doesn't have lights and sounds, shoots, or is dangerous. They are a product of a lifestyle where kids play is screen play but they all have parents who don't want them inside the house. They definitely don't want other people's kids in their house.

At my house there is a ton of space and I have huge toy collections that are kept organized and kept in good condition. I do child care and have for over ten years in this neighborhood so all the parents know I'm safe and I have an excellent set up for their kids to be happy here for many hours. They know I supervise the kids when they are inside my house. I also provide wonderful meals and snacks. I feed the kids when they are here and I WATCH them. Because I have such huge collections of expensive organized toys, including every kind of video gaming system you could want, the kids want to be here. They don't have a zillion dollars of legos, tranformers, playmobil, etc. in their homes. They don't have anyone keeping their belongings nice and the pieces to their games and toys together.

So for the last five/six years I've had this deal where my son wants kids here, the kids want to be here, and their parents REALLY want them to be here. They want them to be here every day after school, every weekend, and every school break. They want them to be here for hour upon hour without ever checking on them. I've had situations where they have sent their kid over here and they have taken off and locked their kid out of the house. I've had a few times when the weather was very bad and once they know their kid is at my house they just don't answer their phones. When their kid goes home they are locked out and end up back over at my house. I can't refuse a kid who has nowhere to go and the parents are fully aware that I won't When the parent finally shows up they simply say the house was unlocked and that their phone wasn't working. I can't tell you how many times I have heard that from different parents over the last few years.

None of the parents want my kid at their house. None of them are willing to take turns with having the kids go back and forth between houses. I know this for certain because I've asked each and every one of these kids if they ever play inside the other kids houses. They all tell me they do not and their parents don't allow any kids in their house or in their yard.

The precious FEW times my son has been allowed inside their house or even in their back yards the kids end up fighting because there is nothing BUT video games to do at the other kids houses. My son is terrible at video games and just wants to play at their house but they don't have real toys and what they do have is broken and missing pieces. The very few times he has been indoors he tells me they watched a movie or he watched the kid play video games.

I've been feeding these kids for years too. There are SO many times when they come over at noon and haven't had breakfast and never leave to go eat lunch. During school breaks I end up feeding breakfast, lunch, and supper to three or four of them because the parents are used to them eating for free at school and don't bother to call them home to eat a family supper. I've had kids over here until eight at night and not had a single parent call to ask them to come home. Once they are here the parents know I will feed them and they don't want to call them home because they don't want to take any chances that the kid can't come back.

Now all of this has been going on for YEARS so when I tell you the rest of the story you have to understand that the decisions I ended up making were made from years and years of trying to make it work with the neighborhood kids and their parents but finally realizing that no matter what I do the bottom line is that the parents aren't ever going to change.

I made a decision a few months ago that I wouldn't allow any of the kids on my property or in my home unless the parents hosted my son too. I feel like the dumping ground for the neighborhood and it's just not fair that the parents don't reciprocate my kindness at all. I'm tired of them allowing their kids to be at my house for hours upon hours and don't allow my son at their house for five minutes. I'm tired of providing such a great environment for kids to hang out and them not doing a single thing to provide toys and activities for their own kid or my kid to share in. I'm tired of my phone ringing off the wall when it gets dark outside asking me if their kid is here and telling me to send them home. I'm tired of feeding their kids because they don't give a crap whether their kid eats or doesn't and when they do feed them it's crap food. I'm tired of serving hundreds of suppers and lunches and never ONCE have any of them ever invited my son for a meal. Never ONCE has a parent thanked me for feeding their kids. The truth is that they all think I love kids and that I should take care of their kid because I love kids. They all know I'm super safe and this is kid haven ............ but most of all they like it because it's excellent care for free.

I have had many conversations over the last five years with my close friends about how these neighborhood kids and their parents behave. I've had the conversation about how when these kids grow up that they will always remember the love and care they received at my house... how they will have such fond memories of the nice old lady who gave them great food, a lot of attention and supervision, and a home chalked full of a ton of the best toys ever. I'm told how when they are adults they will thank me for providing so much so freely for so long.

My truth is that I don't WANT to be that person in their childhood. I don't want to be the only adult who cared, the only adult who fostered a long childhood of friendship, the only adult to sit down and have a real meal. I don't want to be that person to these kids. I don't get a whiff of satisfaction thinking that one day it will really matter to the kids.

That sound harsh? Well.. it's really how I feel. I feel cheated that my son has at least twenty kids within a two block radius of my home that are within two years of him in age and not a single one of their parents cared to be that person to my kid. I WANT to do the "it takes a village" to raise a kid. I want to be one of the adults in the village that cares about the community. I want my kid to be on the receiving end of that not the host of that year in and year out.

I want my kid to go from house to house and have meals with his friends. I want him to be able to spend the night one night with them and then the next here. I want a gang of the kids to sleep over and my son to be one of the gang who gets to sleep over at their house. I want him to go from house to house and shovel snow and then come in for a hot cup of cocoa. I want to give my sons friends parents a night out or an all day Saturday day off for some "me" time. I want to HAVE a Saturday off when my son is well cared for in their home. I really want that kind of neighborhood life but I can't do it alone.

My truth is that my neighborhood is full of families that don't give a crap about anyone but themselves. They are terrible parents. They are selfish and they live to take and not give. They don't give two $hits about our kids childhood memories. They don't want to be a part of a culture of raising kids in the community with community values.

These parents are the parents we read about on this board month after month. They don't want to spend time with their kids. They don't feed them properly. They don't provide toys or sports equipment. They don't have a clean and orderly house. They want their kids face to be in a screen so they don't have to deal with them. They want their kid to either be in a room with a screen or outside away from them. They want free and they feel entitled to have someone else do the hard work it takes to provide a truly good childhood for their kids.

You would think that there would at least be a few good families around here but if they are here I haven't met them. I don't see any of them sharing in the care of the neighborhood kids. I only see them shunning their own children and taking every bit of free they can get.

I've just had it and I don't want to do it anymore. I have had to really put my foot down and say NO KIDS. No kids on my property........ no kids inside my house..... no more meals...... no more supplying bikes, toys, and sports equipment.

I just don't want to do it anymore. It's been a hard transition for my son because he wants his friends here SO bad, the kids want to be here, and their parents really really want them to be here. I'm the only one who doesn't want their kids here.

I have to take on the cultural norm here and say "NO kids" just as my neighbors do. I've done the caretaking for years for my own son. I've endured years of unfairness for HIS childhood. But... at some point he just sees me being used and my kindness as weakness.

So to answer you OP: No I don't allow sleepovers anymore. I don't even LIKE school aged kids so after a day or week of caring for the kids I DO like, I don't want to spend any of my time off hosting the ones in the age group I don't like.

[cheerfuldom]

I'm sorry you have had such a hard time of it Nan. It is bad parents like this that put good parents in a tight spot. You shouldn't have to feed every kid and basically provide tons of free childcare. Shame on them for not wanting to host your son every now and then.

[permanentvacation]

My personal children have weekend long sleepovers all the time. I don't think it's fair to your personal children to make them miss out on things because of the job that you chose to do.

[AfterSchoolMom]

My personal children have weekend long sleepovers all the time. I don't think it's fair to your personal children to make them miss out on things because of the job that you chose to do.

That is not what I meant, which I've explained. I never said I didn't allow sleepovers, I just said I didn't FEEL like it and didn't really want to. My kids don't miss out on much, except for things like trips to Disney and such that are ridiculously expensive. My biggest problem with sleepovers, at least in my oldest son's case (he's 11) is that they want to stay up SO very late, and I'm generally in bed and asleep by 9:30pm. My DH usually stays up later and he's normally the one in charge of making sure they get to bed, but in this case he wasn't available and so it was all on me.

Cheerfuldom, thank you. lovethis


I'm not going to quote your post because it's a long one, but Nan - my goodness! That would drive me up the wall!! I completely understand your feelings considering your neighborhood. It sounds just awful. Have any of the neighbors or kids commented on the change?

[nannyde]

I'm not going to quote your post because it's a long one, but Nan - my goodness! That would drive me up the wall!! I completely understand your feelings considering your neighborhood. It sounds just awful. Have any of the neighbors or kids commented on the change?

It ****s. I live in a very middle class neighborhood with average families in the middle of the state in the middle of the country. Couldn't be more middle if I tried.

The kids just keep coming over here. Had one of them here at the stroke of eight a.m this morning :confused: They have started blowing my phone up because I chase them off the property when they come over. Have to get ds his own cell phone now.

I don't really talk to the parents much but I'm sure they are starting to figure out they don't have a free babysitter after school and on the weekends. When their kid comes over they just end up going back home so eventually the parents will get that I'm not just in a bad mood that day. I've tried to explain to the kids that I now have the same rules as their parents have but it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

I'm sure the parents don't spend a minute lamenting over it. They just have a really simple rule: No kids in my house and NO kids in my yard. When my son asks to go to the other kids house the kids just say "my parents don't allow kids at my house". They seem to accept it with their own parents and the other kids parents.