How Do You Know If You're Burnt Out?

[bunnyslippers]

It sounds like you have a whole lot going on. I have been depressed while doing the whole child care thing before, but my husband is wonderfully supportive. I can't imagine doing this without support.

I don't have much to offer that hasn't already been said, but I do hope things get better for you. You are too young and have too much to enjoy to be this unhappy! Hang in there ~

[JenNJ]

OP, have you considered reaching out to family for help to get home (even temporarily)? I think your family would be relieved you are opening up to them and would bend over backwards to help out you and your baby.

I think closing down and getting HOME would be a really important step in your life. I really do not like the sounds of this situation.

[daycare]

I was experiencing what I felt was burn out back in august. I had horrible families in my childcare that just really kicked me down. I almost gave up. I was depressed, felt used, useless, unappreciated and just burnt out.

I realized that I was doing way way more than I should have been doing. I learned to STOP making everyone else's problems my problems.

I came on here everyday and vented, talked to others and got advice on what I could do better.

Finally, I lifted my chin up and decided that I would NOT fail. I got rid of a lot of families that caused me stress. I cut my hours,I raised my rates and changed up my program a lot. I developed a back bone and basically just started fresh again.

I am happy to report that I have learned a lot in just a few short months thanks to this site and I am happily moving along better than ever. I have great families that care. They support their children in many ways, they put efforts into showing how much they appreciate me and I feel great.

Blackcat, Catherder and Sharlan have been GREAT help in my sucess. When I was down and out Blackcat sent me the sweetest PM that made me realize a lot that I was doing wrong. I am so thankful for this site and everyone on it.

I realized also that YOU can do anything that you put your mind to. YOu have to choose to want it to be better. BUT at the end of the day, you know you best and what you want to do.

If you want to be done with it, then you have every right to throw in the towel and move on. I would never say you failed, but every journey must come to an end at some point.

[DCBlessings27]

Hugs

Jen, you may be right about my DH too. We live on the otherside of the country from my family as his job is here. I miss my family so badly always and would give anything to be able to live there. I don't think any of this stuff would really bother me that much if I had the ability to see my family and spend time with my friends on a regular basis. I am so isolated and doing DC makes me feel even more isolated from the world. Just going to Walmart last night made me feel like an outsider!

My husband is very controlling financially though he claims he is not. I could not even tell you how much money is in any of our accounts right now or how much of the money I make per month is allocated to what bill. I have asked, begged, demanded to be included and I never am. Or he attempts to get me to sit down and discuss it when I have a million other things to do. But because he is sitting down playing video games and relaxing, he has time to talk.

Today I am expected to do DC until 6:45 and then write his 8 page paper for his film class. Why you ask, am I writing HIS paper? Well, because he makes me feel guilty that he works 12 hour days and is exhausted when he comes home and doesn't have the time to write it. But, I am home all day so I have time AND the ability to take a nap if I want. HA, as if. I made the mistake of writing a few papers for him because I really didn't have anything else to do and I was pregnant and had no DC kids at the time. The paper is due tonight at midnight and of course he gives me no notice when he asks me to do it. He has known about it for weeks, yet he couldn't do it the nights he didn't work 12 hour shifts or over the weekend. No, video games were more important.

He comes home from work and I make dinner and we sit down to eat, I get our child to bed and then comment on the millions of things I have to do before I go to bed and he says why do you have to do them tonight? The house looks fine. Evidently he is blind if he thinks that with toys strewn all over the floor from our toddler playing, dishes in the sink, bottles not washed. He does help out his fair share but the deep cleaning- the important cleaning is left to me. Which is fine, I do it better anyhow.

I am in my early 20's (he is 29) and I keep thinking to myself is this what the rest of my life is going to be? If I had things that I enjoy doing then maybe I would feel differently about everything. He always says I can not be satisfied with anything. I have daycare kids and I am unhappy, I have a job outside of the home and I am unhappy. But, I am unhappy because the things and the people that make me happy are not even in this state. I HATE it here. I have considered just moving home a billion times. Maybe even once a day. I even had my things packed in November to do it. Car packed and stayed in a hotel.

I bring ANY of this stuff up and he gets defensive and denies everything. He says that I am just unsatisfied with everything. That I need to lose weight and get a college degree so I can get a better job and be happy. But, I don't see it that way. So, I am stuck. Stuck doing daycare because in order to keep the peace in my home I need to bring X amount of money in per month.

And, I resent him. I resent the DC kids. The infant constantly cries and can't be happy for 2 seconds alone. If I were to walk out of this room right now she would screech at the job of her lungs until I came back. Won't sleep unless I lay with her like her mom does so she is over tired today. I could say more but I might give away my identity if I say more about my DC.

Without going into a ton of detail, I have an ex-boyfriend who was mentally abusive in some of the same ways that your husband is being to you. He alienated me from friends and family, put down my appearance, called me awful awful names, made me feel badly if I couldn't afford to do things he wanted (such as fly halfway across the country to where his job was while I was student teaching and couldn't have a job) so he had to buy/do things for me. I had no self-confidence and cried every night on top of fighting with him daily. If you think that your husband could work on how he treats you, then I would try to convince him to seek counseling with you. If he gets worse, I would MOVE home right away. From my experience, the situation will not get better. I am thankful every day that I got out of my experience. Please PM me if you want to talk.

I have to agree that your burnout seems to revolve around your husband. He says that you can't be happy, but it seems that he isn't happy with anything you do. If you are so greatly unhappy, you are likely feeling the way you are about daycare because of the unhappiness in your life.

[littlemissmuffet]

It's really unfortunate that your husband is not supportive...

I am overweight too, and I know my husband shows concern for my health - but rather than telling me to go to the gym he asks me to go on walks with him (spending time together while being active). We have some gym equipment at home and he either motivates me by working out with me or by doing some of my daily chores for me to free up time so I can work out alone.

If my husband EVER said anything about a chore not being done I'd tell him to get off his a$$ and do it himself. My husband works long hard days, but he is VERY aware that I do as well. Just because I am home all day does not mean I can fit in all the daily house chores... that's a full-time job in itself ontop of looking after the DCKs. Post a laundry schedule wherein he needs to contribute... if he says no, then tell him to quit complaining. I couln't imagine putting up with a husband who didn't help around the house!

And if my husband EVER said he felt I was mooching off him... he'd get a warning to never speak to me like that again and I would immediately cease doing EVERYTHING for him (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc). If he ever said it again I'd be out the door so fast and never look back.

I cannot stand self-centered people and sorry, but your husband sounds VERY self-centered... and not just when it comes to money.


You're clearly miserable. Keep looking for work outside the home. Get rid of the ridiculous notion that putting your child in DC is "selfish"... YOU wouldn't have had a job all this time if everyone thought like you - daycare is a necessity! You'd also be a GREAT DC parent because you know first hand how NOT to behave

Also, in my opinion it's selfish of you to keep doing something that is making you unhappy... you can't be a good provider, a good wife or a good mother if you aren't looking after YOU first! Everyone everntually suffers from another person's unhappiness.

[littlemissmuffet]

My husband is very controlling financially though he claims he is not. I could not even tell you how much money is in any of our accounts right now or how much of the money I make per month is allocated to what bill. I have asked, begged, demanded to be included and I never am. Or he attempts to get me to sit down and discuss it when I have a million other things to do. But because he is sitting down playing video games and relaxing, he has time to talk.

I'd consider this mental abuse. I would not tolerate this kind of behaviour, at all. And you need to stop tolerating it immediately.

Today I am expected to do DC until 6:45 and then write his 8 page paper for his film class. Why you ask, am I writing HIS paper? Well, because he makes me feel guilty that he works 12 hour days and is exhausted when he comes home and doesn't have the time to write it. But, I am home all day so I have time AND the ability to take a nap if I want. HA, as if. I made the mistake of writing a few papers for him because I really didn't have anything else to do and I was pregnant and had no DC kids at the time. The paper is due tonight at midnight and of course he gives me no notice when he asks me to do it. He has known about it for weeks, yet he couldn't do it the nights he didn't work 12 hour shifts or over the weekend. No, video games were more important.

Say "NO!" Stop letting this "man" treat you like dirt and order you around. You need to work on your self-esteem and tell this guy that he needs to grow up or get out! TAKE AWAY HIS VIDEO GAMES. He wants to act like a child, treat him like one!

I am in my early 20's (he is 29) and I keep thinking to myself is this what the rest of my life is going to be?

Yes. And don't be suprised if it gets worse. Stand up for yourself and your child. Stop allowing him to treat you the way he is! NOW, before you have more kids!

If I had things that I enjoy doing then maybe I would feel differently about everything. He always says I can not be satisfied with anything. I have daycare kids and I am unhappy, I have a job outside of the home and I am unhappy. But, I am unhappy because the things and the people that make me happy are not even in this state. I HATE it here. I have considered just moving home a billion times. Maybe even once a day. I even had my things packed in November to do it. Car packed and stayed in a hotel.

Quite honestly, I think most of your unhappiness is with your husband and how he treats you. I could live anywhere in the world, doing any job... as long as I have my husband.

This might sound harsh, but you need to sh*t or get off the pot. YOU are allowing this guy to treat you like garbage.... and he has cornered you into living somewhere you are unhappy, doing a job that makes you unhappy and living in a home where he expects you to do everything but not even know how much money comes in or out????! Get real. I wouldn't put up with any of your man's bahviour and I certainly wouldn't put up with his combination of behaviours. Go back home to your family, honey!

[MizzCheryl]

Girl, Have I ever Been THERE!
OHH YEAH!
Have you ever had your thyroid checked. There may be a reason you are feeling tired and overwhelmed.

I had a thyroid problem after the birth of my 2nd child and didn't know it foe years. Everything just piled up around me and I felt awful.

Flylady.net helped me too. I sat up routines and got my house back. I still struggle but, I am happier.

I wouldn't feel bad selfish about putting your child in daycare. If MAMA ain't happy ain't nobody happy. Do what YOU need to be happy.
If You you really can't quit childcare maybe you could find some ideas to get you in a better place.
Maybe some motivational websites that might give you a few ideas. I have to do that sometimes.
Sometimes I have to make myself be positive. I realize I have started to focus on negative stuff and I have to snap out of it. It takes discipline but it helps.

Winter gets to me too. My Vitamin D gets too low and I feel bad. D3 supplments help me.

Love yourself and take yourself to a movie or got somewhere all alone and be with yourself. Your worth it. If your don't take care of you no one else will.

[Breezy]

Thank you everyone. It is getting very hard to keep up posting as unreg so I will just reveal myself.

My husband is a great father and has the potential to be a wonderful husband. He tries, I know he does. He doesn't try very hard but he has been getting better compared to a year ago. But, yes that is correct in saying he is very self centered when it comes to our relationship. He is a totally different person and of a totally different mentality when it comes to our son.

He grew up without a strong father figure as his parents are divorced. Mom is extremly manip. ulative, self centered, mean, etc and I am seeing a lot of it has rubbed off on him. I think the major problem is he doesn't know how to have a relationship with ANYONE. He was always very self concious because he was overweight growing up and had few friends.

I think he believes that because he lost a ton of weight that I can do the same. Which, I can. 2 years ago I was 100 pounds lighter than I am right now. I had a medical condition that was not under control (hypothyroidism) and caused me to gain weight. Once I began taking charge of my health and working out I began losing weight and feeling better about myself and then I fell pregnant with our DS.

I love him very much and want to work on everything with him and I am a firm believer on growing together in a marriage. We both have a lot of things to work on personally and together. I can not and will not blame everything on him as I have my fair share of "issues" to work through (don't we all?)

I think the biggest issue is the fact that I am so far from my family. I was raised in such a huge tight
knit family that being away from them makes me feel incomplete. It physically hurts to be away from them.

I think the huge issue here in me being burned out is my personal life and has little to do with daycare in itself. I just want to thank you all for helping me to see the bigger picture. Just this realization (and others) has begun to change my WHOLE attitude. (And a clean kitchen )


Thank you thank you thank you. I have a lot of soul searching to do and communicating my needs to my husband.

[daycare]

Thank you everyone. It is getting very hard to keep up posting as unreg so I will just reveal myself.

My husband is a great father and has the potential to be a wonderful husband. He tries, I know he does. He doesn't try very hard but he has been getting better compared to a year ago. But, yes that is correct in saying he is very self centered when it comes to our relationship. He is a totally different person and of a totally different mentality when it comes to our son.

He grew up without a strong father figure as his parents are divorced. Mom is extremly manip. ulative, self centered, mean, etc and I am seeing a lot of it has rubbed off on him. I think the major problem is he doesn't know how to have a relationship with ANYONE. He was always very self concious because he was overweight growing up and had few friends.

I think he believes that because he lost a ton of weight that I can do the same. Which, I can. 2 years ago I was 100 pounds lighter than I am right now. I had a medical condition that was not under control (hypothyroidism) and caused me to gain weight. Once I began taking charge of my health and working out I began losing weight and feeling better about myself and then I fell pregnant with our DS.

I love him very much and want to work on everything with him and I am a firm believer on growing together in a marriage. We both have a lot of things to work on personally and together. I can not and will not blame everything on him as I have my fair share of "issues" to work through (don't we all?)

I think the biggest issue is the fact that I am so far from my family. I was raised in such a huge tight
knit family that being away from them makes me feel incomplete. It physically hurts to be away from them.

I think the huge issue here in me being burned out is my personal life and has little to do with daycare in itself. I just want to thank you all for helping me to see the bigger picture. Just this realization (and others) has begun to change my WHOLE attitude. (And a clean kitchen )


Thank you thank you thank you. I have a lot of soul searching to do and communicating my needs to my husband.

you know every couple rides a roller coaster in their marriage. Sometimes fall out of love too.
My husband when he married me, I think he thought that because of my culture I would fall submissive to him.

He grew up with a mom and dad, yet still complete disfunction in his whole family.

One time he said mean words to me and I stood up to him right away. I told him that I expected him to treat me as I treated him and that I would never even say those words to my worst enemy. He cried.

Recently we have been haivng some issues, like all married couples do.

I am much like you, I have ZERO family and Friends where I am. I found that a lot of what was going on was MY fault. I chose to change, feeling that it would make my husband happy and it would help him to trust me. I stopped going out of the house, stopped doing myself up, because he is jealous, I just stopped being me and my first thought that he was forcing me to be that way. But he wasn't, it was what I chose to do for some reason, thinking that is what he wanted....

In the end, I have realized HE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE for MY Happiness. I am. I have to make the choices to be happy and make the changes as well.

I have NO regrets and I don't live in the past. I accept both of our faults, and I try to move on in life with him by my side in the most positive manner possible. On our map in life, I walk with him, not behind him or in front of him. Sometimes we lose site of where we are going and we help each other to see it. It's his job to pull me up when I am down and vice versa.

It sounds like your husband needs to work on himself and make himself happy. that means he needs to go and do things as well.

YOu also need to go and do things for yourself that make you happy. Even if he is not ok with it. He will have to learn to accept that you are your own person.

Example, since I have been married to my husband, I have never gone ANYWHERE without him. Well except shopping and even then he still comes most of the time. I finally decided that I wanted to do something for me.

SO next month I will fly to southern cali, go to newport, see my friends and have some fun. I will also attend a zoo phonics training class while I am there too. That was the thing that sparked the idea of going. The trip will cost me about $800.00. BUT guess what. I never do anything and haven't in the 3 years that I have lived in the new place. I felt guilty at first, but I need to do this for me. I can tell that my husband is not ok with it, but guess what, I need to do what makes me happy and if I am not happy, NO ONE will be happy.

Maybe you guys could attend a marriage counselling session. We have gone to two of them and so far they have been amazing....

I wish you luck to the both of you..

[DCBlessings27]

Not as easy as it seems

I'd consider this mental abuse. I would not tolerate this kind of behaviour, at all. And you need to stop tolerating it immediately.



Say "NO!" Stop letting this "man" treat you like dirt and order you around. You need to work on your self-esteem and tell this guy that he needs to grow up or get out! TAKE AWAY HIS VIDEO GAMES. He wants to act like a child, treat him like one!



Yes. And don't be suprised if it gets worse. Stand up for yourself and your child. Stop allowing him to treat you the way he is! NOW, before you have more kids!





Quite honestly, I think most of your unhappiness is with your husband and how he treats you. I could live anywhere in the world, doing any job... as long as I have my husband.

This might sound harsh, but you need to sh*t or get off the pot. YOU are allowing this guy to treat you like garbage.... and he has cornered you into living somewhere you are unhappy, doing a job that makes you unhappy and living in a home where he expects you to do everything but not even know how much money comes in or out????! Get real. I wouldn't put up with any of your man's bahviour and I certainly wouldn't put up with his combination of behaviours. Go back home to your family, honey!

You're completely right that the behavior is unacceptable. As someone who was formally in an mentally abusive relationship, it is not easy to see the mental abuse when you love the abuser. I'm not making excuses; it's just not easy to fight back when you have no confidence in yourself. I thought I wanted to marry the man who was mentally abusing me, and I could have been in a similar situation. My parents had to take DRASTIC measures to get me out of that unhealthy situation. They and my friends had tried for over a year to let me know, but I couldn't see it. It also permeates into your life after getting out of the situation. I married a wonderful man almost 5 years ago, but I'm still scarred from my experience. I cannot handle it if my husband gets angry and yells.

I think she needs the support of family and friends to figure this situation out.

[MizzCheryl]

When I read yor post I thought THYROID!
I have been there believe me I know. I
was Hypo gained 70 lbs. Depressed. Then went Hyper Lost 100lbs and felt great for a while. Then got super hyper and got sick and felt awful.
Doctors honestly have been no help. None. My x husband was No help mater of fact I think he caused it by HORRIBLE stress that he caused me.
He hated my daycare and was awful to me.

I know how you feel and it make me wanna cry to know you have to go thru that. Weight loss is a terrible struggle when you have a thyroid condition.
Wish I could help you.
Is there anything I can do.
By the way I shrun my goiter some using castor oil and heat pack on my nech. Seemed to help me feel better too.

[littlemissmuffet]

lovethis((((((BREEZY)))))))lovethis

[daycare]

When I read yor post I thought THYROID!
I have been there believe me I know. I
was Hypo gained 70 lbs. Depressed. Then went Hyper Lost 100lbs and felt great for a while. Then got super hyper and got sick and felt awful.
Doctors honestly have been no help. None. My x husband was No help mater of fact I think he caused it by HORRIBLE stress that he caused me.
He hated my daycare and was awful to me.

I know how you feel and it make me wanna cry to know you have to go thru that. Weight loss is a terrible struggle when you have a thyroid condition.
Wish I could help you.
Is there anything I can do.
By the way I shrun my goiter some using castor oil and heat pack on my nech. Seemed to help me feel better too.

Can you tell me how you shrunk your goiter? I have one on my thyroid and right now i am having thyroid storms like no tomorrow.....heat flashes, wake up dripping wet in the middle of the night, cant sleep, or want to sleep, headaches, periods for days and days on end.

I am already a tiny person and Have weight go up and down all month or from day to day. But I work out 5-6 days a week, including weights and running....

[saved4always]

Oh, Breezy, I am so worried for you. It really sounds to me like you are in an abusive relationship with a very selfish man. A loving husband does not tell his wife that she needs to lose weight. He does not expect his wife to do his paper for him (That one really ticked me off on your behalf ). He does not keep his wife in the dark about finances. He does not belittle what his wife does and does not harp on stuff getting done like laundry. There is nothing you have indicated that makes it sound like he respects you or appreciates you. And realize that your children are learning through your relationship with your husband how a wife should be treated.

It is just making it worse that you are far from family and friends and feeling isolated. Providing daycare in your home can be a very lonely job. I have been doing it for 8 years but have only continued that long because I have friends nearby (on my street) that I talk to daily and see a couple times a week through playdates.

I am glad that you want to communicate your needs to your husband. He needs to take these issues seriously. I think it would be very beneficial for you to get some counseling; hopefully your husband would agree to go, too. And, if you haven't yet, let your family know what you are going through. You need to know that someone is in your corner.

I'll be praying for you. ((((big hugs)))))

[MizzCheryl]

Can you tell me how you shrunk your goiter? I have one on my thyroid and right now i am having thyroid storms like no tomorrow.....heat flashes, wake up dripping wet in the middle of the night, cant sleep, or want to sleep, headaches, periods for days and days on end.

I am already a tiny person and Have weight go up and down all month or from day to day. But I work out 5-6 days a week, including weights and running....

Well I have a nodule that hasn't shrunk yet but it is amazing how mch the overall goiter shrunk. Now I wasn't hyper when I tried the castor oil but I have had this goiter 10 years and it has finally shrunk.
I just rubbed castor oil on my throat (you can get it a walmart for $2.86 in the laxitive section.) then i put saran over it or used a cloth to keep it from getting everywhere. The I used a heatpack or heating pad on it for 30 minutes or an hour. Try to relax and focus on your throat. It will start to kind of throb. It increases blood flow to the area.
Be careful if you are having thyroid storms. I feel like it is healing my thyroid. I am beginning to feel better. If you want to PM me I would be happy to talk if I can figure out how. Flax seed oil pills help my eyes alot. They would nearly bleed when I was hyper. Hawthorn berry pills help heart palpatations as the blood pressure meds made me cough non stop. But the castor oil has been kinda amazing. My family could not believe how the goiter went down.
Doctors were awful. I never even got sent to an endo for 6 years of dealing. Finally when I told the doc I was done she referred me. I said heck with you drs and started look on my own.