Please! I Am So Sad, Burnt And At Wits End - I Need Advice, Registered but Logged Out

[Unregistered]

I am a registered user who has been on this board for about a year now. I have been a childcare provider most of my life. It has been a lifetime love of mine to care for children and I still love what I do however I find myself dreading everyday now and have for months.

I have 5 FT dcks in my care everyday M-F and have always been full to capacity and have always loved my days. That is until I started caring for my grandchild. My daughter needs help as she and her husband can not afford to pay for childcare and I love my daughter and my grand daughter very much. My grand daughter is 23 months old.

My home daycare has always been VERY calm, loving and just very peaceful. The days are so calm and peaceful the days that my grand daughter does not attend because mom or dad are off or if she is sick or if the other grandparents take her (which is not often)

When she is here it is hell! She is very sweet and loving but so busy. She has to be either touching the other kids all the time, or jumping up and down, jumping and falling down, running, plowing into someone, talking really loudly, singing really loudly, banging objects together or on the walls, windows and so many other loud noisy annoying things. She gets the others all wound up and noisy and it just becomes a crazy house when she here.

Like I said it is only when she is here that it is hard to manage my day. She needs one person just to look after her, correct her and redirect her because I can not take my eyes off of her for a second. She is always doing something she is not supposed to be doing. It is so exhausting!

It is hard because I do not have much space to do this, but I have tried a separate area for her and she will scream such an ear shattering scream cry and have a huge fit because she wants to be with the other kids. She will do this at times and not stop and I will have to put her in her pnp in her room. There she will continue to scream, jump up and down, kick the bottom of the pnp, strip and take off all her clothes (so now every time I have to put her in there or when it is time for nap I have to put a one piece outfit on her which is a real pain) She often does behavior like this at nap time as well until she finally falls asleep.

When she wakes from nap she is so cranky it is unreal. Even if she has slept for 2.5 hours she will wake up so miserable and will cry for the first 1/2 hour upon waking.

If it were another persons child I would just refuse to care for this her but she is my grandchild and my daughters baby. I feel like crying some days. I feel like I am in a trapped position. I also do not want to be the daycare she goes to anymore. I want to be her grandmother and have fun with her instead of always being the bad guy. One on one she is still very busy but not nearly as bad but give her an audience of other children and she is terrible.

I am sorry this is long. Thanks for reading it. I really need advice here.

[Blackcat31]

((((hugs)))) I can totally see how this is a really tough situation for you.

What does your DD say about her behavior? Do you think it is just the kind of kid she is or is it related to the parenting style your DD and the father have?

I think those things would have a bearing on what I would do if I were in your shoes.

[Heidi]

Wow!

I feel terrible for you! If it weren't your grandaughter, and least you could say "this isn't a good fit".

I would highly recommend you read the book "The out-of-sync child". It sounds to me (and I am NOT qualified to diagnos, but this jumps out), like your GD may have a sensory issue.

My good friend has 2 daughters. Both have sensory issues-the older one is HYPER sensitive, and the younger one is HYPO sensitive. Your GD soundso just like her. Loud, sweet, and in-your-face ALL the time. My friends daughter is adorable (she is 10 now), but I can only take her in small doses!

At least if you know what is going on, you can try some strategies to help her.

Does mom notice all this? If so, maybe you can have Birth-to-3 assess her. Perhaps she will be eligible for some services that can help her....

From the website:

http://www.sinetwork.org/about-sensory-processing-disorder.html

What Sensory Processing Disorder looks like

Sensory Processing Disorder can affect people in only one sense–for example, just touch or just sight or just movement–or in multiple senses. One person with SPD may over-respond to sensation and find clothing, physical contact, light, sound, food, or other sensory input to be unbearable. Another might under-respond and show little or no reaction to stimulation, even pain or extreme hot and cold. In children whose sensory processing of messages from the muscles and joints is impaired, posture and motor skills can be affected. These are the "floppy babies" who worry new parents and the kids who get called "klutz" and "spaz" on the playground. Still other children exhibit an appetite for sensation that is in perpetual overdrive. These kids often are misdiagnosed - and inappropriately medicated - for ADHD.


I just want to reiterate: I am not saying she has SPD, but it does sound a little bit like something is going on....

[SunshineMama]

I completely empathize with your situation! On one hand, you just want to be a loving grandma and spoil her like only a grandma can, and on the other hand, you have to maintain order with your regular daycare kids, and can't really give her special treatment or everything will go to chaos. You must be feeling awful about the situation- it is a very difficult situation to be in.

First let me say that there is nothing wrong with feeling the way that you do. You should not feel guilty, and it is perfectly normal to feel that way. You do need to resolve the problem too. You HAVE to tell your daughter that, while you love your grand-daughter, you are missing out on getting to do the fun grandma stuff and it is tearing you up inside. She has to find someone else to care for her on a regular basis. Let her know that you can do the occasional back up (emergency back-up).

She might not understand, and may become upset. It is very difficult for people to understand our point of view if they have never done this themselves. Do your best to try to explain the situation. Let her know how you feel. Tell her you want to talk to her, and she needs to listen to everything that you say before she answers, because this situation is too important not allow you to speak up. Tell her you love her and your granddaughter so much, hug her, help her find someone else to care for her. Tell her that (if you want) you are available 1:1 on the weekends, etc, but you can't be a grandma in group care- you have to be very a stern second mother to the daycare kids and keep them in order, and that your granddaughter deserves a grandma, since she already has a great mother.

I am sorry you feel this way. It will get better, but for the sake of your relationship with your family, you have to be the one to speak up.

[wdmmom]

As much as I love my own children, I've already had this talk with my oldest daughter. (highschooler) I have already told her that if she chooses to get pregnant, not to expect me to care for her child. I won't do it. Not because I don't want to but because I know good that I would be the one raising him/her. I made the decision 2 years ago to have my tubes tied because I chose not to have or raise anymore children.

I think you need to have the same talk with your daughter. Not only are you having to watch her everyday but you are raising her.

I would tell your daughter that she is going to have to find a nanny or another provider or see if she qualifies for state aid to put your GD in a center.

I can't even imagine how rough it will be to bring this up, but just remember...you work from home. If you can't be happy at home, where can you be happy?

[Cat Herder]

Believe it or not this is so common. You are not alone. My own Mom had to stop keeping my siblings kids full-time for the same reason... she was losing out on being a Grandma. The thing she had been looking forward to so much. (check out grandparents.com for hundreds of posts about this)

When Mom told them how she felt, they were so relieved because they felt trapped, too. When they saw how the kids were turning into spolied brats (their words) and Mom looked so tired everyday they wanted an out, too...but were afraid of offending the person who was trying to help them and whose approval they NEEDED the most.

In the end, Mom helped pay half the daycare fees (until they got back on their feet) and gets them every other Friday night just to spoil... The family was much more peaceful after that, too...

[sharlan]

I can totally empathize with you. I watch my grandkids, eldest is 16 and the youngest will be 4. I've had the eldest girl (16) and the eldest boy (almost 5) live with us their entire lives (along with their parents), they never go home as they are home. The 6 1/2 yo and almost 4 yo live less than 5 miles away and stay for dinner 3 nights a week.

The 6 1/2 yo was so bored at my house when she was 3, no one her age, that I had her mom put her in preschool 2 days a week. I paid 1/2 and her other grandma paid 1/2 for the first year.

I started having a lot of problems with the almost 4 yo a little over a year ago, Mom put him in preschool 2 days a week. It really made a difference. I like him so much more.

Talk to your daughter and let her know what is going on.

[cheerfuldom]

I definitely see your confliction. I would imagine it is somewhat similar to the situation that many providers come across when they are expected to wear two "hats" and be both mom and provider, grandma and provider, auntie and provider, etc. Its not easy at all.

Another solution would be to figure out how much a nanny would be, help your daughter find one and then take on another daycare kid to help pay for the nanny. Same difference when you look at it money-wise.

[DCBlessings27]

Granddaughter

I can see how that could be frustrating. My mom and mil love being grandmas, but they definitely wouldn't want to watch my dd all the time. It would definitely take away their special time.

If you talk to your daughter about placing her somewhere else, could you possibly help them pay for the spot since they can't afford it or help them out until they can cut back in order to afford it?

Since they're not paying, could you replace granddaughter with a ft kid (income you haven't been expecting) and use that income to help them out?

[Christian Mother]

Ohhh..my heart strings go out to you!! Such a hard place to be in and i feel your struggle!!

When I had my first child (son) my mother offered to care for him for a short while. She had him for 6 months everyday while I worked. Even though he was the only child in her care she also did horse back riding lessons and worked with disabled children and her job was becoming more demanding where as she wasn't able to care for him as much as she had in the past. I am sure at the time I was upset bc my mother did childcare much of the time I was growing up so I always looked to my mother to watch him. I never thought about the fact that her time for raising children was over and she enjoyed being the dalting grandparent. She didn't like disciplining her grandson and wanted to play a more favorable role. After a bit I realized what she was saying and it did make since not to mention the time she did care for him was much better for the both of them.

I am sure it's going to be difficult talking to you daughter about how you feel but I think that if you sit down with her and explain your feelings she will understand. I like the thought of maybe helping her find another great daycare and paying 1/2 the expenses. Have her also look into the state also. I do hope everything works out for you!! Hugs!!

[saved4always]

I definitely see your confliction. I would imagine it is somewhat similar to the situation that many providers come across when they are expected to wear two "hats" and be both mom and provider, grandma and provider, auntie and provider, etc. Its not easy at all.

Another solution would be to figure out how much a nanny would be, help your daughter find one and then take on another daycare kid to help pay for the nanny. Same difference when you look at it money-wise.

I was thinking of that same idea, too. I also was thinking that you could replace your granddaughter with another ft day care child and use that money to help pay for someone else to watch her. That way you can go back to being a doting grandmother but not stress your daughter's finances since it sounds like she cannot afford to pay anyone.

Explain how awful it is for you and that it is not fair for you to be so miserable in your job. It is also not fair to your grandchild since this can affect your feelings towards her. Hopefully your daughter has seen that this situation is not the best for you or her child and will understand and work with you to resolve it so you are doing what is best for everyone.

((Hugs)) to you.

[nannyde]

The first thing that comes to my mind reading your post is to ask you if you are certain that your daughter and son in law can't afford child care.

I think you need to ask yourself what would they do if you weren't available? What is their life style? Have they done EVERYTHING within their power to decrease and limit their life expenses so that they can pay for high quality care for their child?

Have they moved into a very tiny living space? Do they make their food from complete scratch? Do they drive low cost vehichles? Do they live day to day watching their out flow of cash for gas money? Do they coupon cut? Do they work opposite shifts so they can minimize the hours they actually need for care? Do they offer to care for a friends child during their work hours and have the friend, in return, watch their child? Do they work weekends? Do either of them work double shifts and overtime? Do they have cell phones? Do they smoke? Do they eat out? Do they drink pop? Do they shop for clothing at second hand stores?

What are they doing for you and your family to repay such generosity? When they pick up are they staying to clean your home, do your laundry, run errands for you, do household repairs, cook for you? What are they doing "in-kind" DAILY that is helping YOU and your family out so that the time you have off from work is true free time?

I'm not asking about how they FEEL or the words the say to you. I'm asking about what they DO about making sure that at the end of the day.. they show you the high level of generosity you show them by caring for their high/special needs child?

Really really THINK about this first.

Can you elaborate more on why you feel they can't afford child care and what your day to day arrangement is?

[daycare]

The first thing that comes to my mind reading your post is to ask you if you are certain that your daughter and son in law can't afford child care.

I think you need to ask yourself what would they do if you weren't available? What is their life style? Have they done EVERYTHING within their power to decrease and limit their life expenses so that they can pay for high quality care for their child?

Have they moved into a very tiny living space? Do they make their food from complete scratch? Do they drive low cost vehichles? Do they live day to day watching their out flow of cash for gas money? Do they coupon cut? Do they work opposite shifts so they can minimize the hours they actually need for care? Do they offer to care for a friends child during their work hours and have the friend, in return, watch their child? Do they work weekends? Do either of them work double shifts and overtime? Do they have cell phones? Do they smoke? Do they eat out? Do they drink pop? Do they shop for clothing at second hand stores?

What are they doing for you and your family to repay such generosity? When they pick up are they staying to clean your home, do your laundry, run errands for you, do household repairs, cook for you? What are they doing "in-kind" DAILY that is helping YOU and your family out so that the time you have off from work is true free time?

I'm not asking about how they FEEL or the words the say to you. I'm asking about what they DO about making sure that at the end of the day.. they show you the high level of generosity you show them by caring for their high/special needs child?

Really really THINK about this first.

Can you elaborate more on why you feel they can't afford child care and what your day to day arrangement is?

Wow Nan, I just had this same conversation with my SIL not but 45 min ago.

My MIL Pays for everything my niece does, as well as my SIL who is almost 40 years old.

I told my SIL what do you do for your mom? I am ashamed of you that you keep taking advantage of your mom the way you do and don't give anything in return. It's like you are a child yourself. My MIL is not well with her health. I asked her WHAT are YOU going to do when she is gone. It could be tomorrow.

Have you thought about the fact that maybe you are not really helping your daughter, but enabling her from doing what she needs to do as a mother?

My SIL works a PT job 2.5 days a week, has zero ambitions in life, has never pushed a vacuum, has never moved out of my MIL house EVER and everyone around her somehow does everything for her. Her parents even parent and take care of her daughter for her.

I am not putting you down at all, I feel for you. Trust me I tried to help my SIL too by taking my niece on, but I was only willing to do until she found a place for her that she would go to. My niece was the same way your granddaughter was for me, because she didn't think she had to behave when she came here, because normally she didn't have to.... It lasted less than 2 weeks

I think Nan is on to something. I think that they feel that it's ok that she is with you all of the time and is not doing anything to change it.

No disrespect to your daughter at all, I know nothing of her, but maybe you should just tell your daughter how you feel and tell her that she has 90 days to turn things around so that you can have a grandmother-granddaughter relationship. YOu already raised your children, now it's time to be a grandma......

eventually you need to let go and make your daughter step up to do it. YOu need to know that when you are gone, that everyone will be ok and the only way that will happen is if you make your daughter start doing it now.

YOur daughter needs to know how truly hard it is to have to raise a child ans part of that includes having to pay for childcare.

[Ariana]

I agree with nannyde and her view on this. What would they do if you were not available? Why did they have kids if they couldn't afford them? (sorry if that sounds harsh). I would NEVER ask my parents to care for my child. I personally feel that it's unfair. If my parents were running a daycare then at the very least I would pay but I still would choose alternate care.

IMO this is ruining your relationship with your granddaughter. Seeing her every day and having to deal with her behavior is too hard on you and you may grow to resent her. It's normal and doesn't mean you're a bad person. I would try and get them to look elsewhere for care and use every excuse in the book besides "she's too difficult". Juts tell them you need to scale back or something!!

[Heidi]

The first thing that comes to my mind reading your post is to ask you if you are certain that your daughter and son in law can't afford child care.

I think you need to ask yourself what would they do if you weren't available? What is their life style? Have they done EVERYTHING within their power to decrease and limit their life expenses so that they can pay for high quality care for their child?

Have they moved into a very tiny living space? Do they make their food from complete scratch? Do they drive low cost vehichles? Do they live day to day watching their out flow of cash for gas money? Do they coupon cut? Do they work opposite shifts so they can minimize the hours they actually need for care? Do they offer to care for a friends child during their work hours and have the friend, in return, watch their child? Do they work weekends? Do either of them work double shifts and overtime? Do they have cell phones? Do they smoke? Do they eat out? Do they drink pop? Do they shop for clothing at second hand stores?

What are they doing for you and your family to repay such generosity? When they pick up are they staying to clean your home, do your laundry, run errands for you, do household repairs, cook for you? What are they doing "in-kind" DAILY that is helping YOU and your family out so that the time you have off from work is true free time?

I'm not asking about how they FEEL or the words the say to you. I'm asking about what they DO about making sure that at the end of the day.. they show you the high level of generosity you show them by caring for their high/special needs child?

Really really THINK about this first.

Can you elaborate more on why you feel they can't afford child care and what your day to day arrangement is?

Wow...Nan! You say it like to see it!