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I was wondering when you step into the kids little squabbles? This morning 3 of the boys are "bickering" with each other, telling each other they can't do this or that, they'll get time out if they do, you can't use this car, don't put this there, that's mine, just all kinds of little bickering things, they aren't being loud they are all just "talking" amongst themselves, would you let them "work" it out or would you intervene and talk with them?
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As long as they aren't raising voices or getting violent, I'd try to let them work it out. I'd casually say something like "Are we having fun today?" or "It's so nice to play with our friends, isn't it?". Of course if things escalate that's another story.Give a little love to a child, and you get a great deal back. -
Thanks, they were all talking with "normal" voices but some of the things they were saying to each other weren't really very nice things to say, but since no one was tattling other than saying that was mean, don't say that to me, and they didn't come to me I just listened in, it's hard to do because some times I think if I don't intervene then the kids will think it's "ok" to say these things but then again they need to learn too.Comment
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I agree that if it isn't shouting or physical I'd let them work it out. If they were arguing for a toy however I would intervene. That's just my philosophy. I have a "Everybody or nobody" rule which pretty much means everyone plays together or nobody plays with it at all. I don't actually say anything to them in this case either though, for example if two kids were arguing over a toy they both wanted I just kneel down equal distance to both of them, give them a huge smile and hold out my hands. Usually they don't know what to say and immediately quiet down and the child with the toy just drops it in my hands and then I just continue to smile and put the toy on top of the fridge. While I'm walking away in a friendly tone I say something like "N and I, the toy is going to be right here. When you two find a resolution and have worked it out you both can have it back". You'd be surprised how much you can get resolved by killing them with kindness. Sometimes they resolve it and get the toy back but a lot of the times they just walk away and forget about the toy at all.Comment
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that's exactly what I do as well when they are arguing over a toy, we put it in "time Out" until they can resolve it. It does work really well. The bickering part I never know when to "step in" and talk with them. thanksComment
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I am flat up changing my philosophy on this as of today. Ive always had a nice to our friends attitude. I usually remind them to use their manners,.. use nice words,.. etc.... and they have turned into a group of tattling babies. I even put tattlers in time out.
Im going to start replying with,... ok. and turning my back on them. Unless someone is or will be hurt Im going to see how they resolve things on their own. I will begin walking over and removing toys that cause a problem. Without saying anything to the kids, but rather telling the toy,.. you are making paiten and rowan fight, you are going away for awhile.
and then putting them away with the soiled daycare laundry and bringing them out monday morning with the fresh blankets and burp rags..
What does everyone think about that?Comment
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It's great that they were able to tell each other "That was mean. Don't say that to me." That's what we're trying to teach them, and it sounds that even though they might not have been having the best morning, they were able to verbalize thier feelings to each other when things went too far. You must be modeling the correct responses for them--good job!
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I agree with momofsix. That's great that they are sticking up for themselves using their words like that.
For the group back and forth squabbles I might do a "broadcast" if it doesn't seem to be getting any better on its own and speak to the whole group (naming no names) about remembering to use our manners, a polite tone when speaking to our friends, the golden rule in general, or whatever the issue is. Incorporate these ideas into story/circle time and discuss further with them. Role play with them. Read stories that reinforce what you discuss with them. You could make it a theme for the day/week/month or whatever.Comment
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Thank you, sometimes I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. I do that alot if I have a few kids doing alot of arguing back and forth I will "broadcast" and have eyes on me and without naming names reminding them all to use nice words, share ect. it does work at least for awhile.
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momofsix is right. You've been modeling with them because they are standing up for themselves. I'd just add that I'd say something like: Tommy, I'm glad to see you talking to Billy about this. And Billy, I'm glad to see you are listening.
Sometimes, they get the "talking to each other" but get stuck there. Help them move to the next stage which is problem solving: So what are you two boys going to do now? Who is going to play with it first? What other solutions can you think of? Ok, which one are you going to choose.
You're doing fine.Comment
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thanks that's a great idea
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i pretty much agree with everyone - they are learning a lot by working things out on their own.
if it does get a little too heated, i'm a huge fan of redirection - distracting the child i feel is causing the turmoil.
when i was teaching, some of the teachers didn't agree with my philosophy of "no, they don't always have to share or play with everyone." sometimes kids need alone time and sometimes they just don't get along well. for example, my daughter was intimidated by a child who wanted to play with her all the time because she thought the other child was "mean" and she didn't want to play with her. i told her that she didn't have to play with someone that made her uncomfortable vs. the "we're all friends" approach - because we all know that's not always the case, especially when we get older. i mean, this girl did throw sand in her eyes once for NO reason and she almost had to go to the ER - so trying to force her to be friends wasn't realistic IMHO. for the kids that came up to me and said, "billy won't play with me," i would say, "then find someone else to play with. it's billy's loss." they would usually run along and feel empowered. not to say i would let the child who gets picked on always be left out - but i'm talking about typical bickering amongst friends.
i used to do class meetings as well - where everyone had to give someone in the room a compliment or appreciation. that cut down on a lot of bickering because the children were always thinking of something "nice" they could do to be recognized in the meeting. i would always begin by telling a child (a different one each day) something nice i saw them do. they always wanted to do the right thing because they just loved getting that "appreciation" from me during the meeting. it could even be, "billy, i saw that you and susie were having a disagreement about a toy, and you chose to let her have it. that was very nice of you. i appreciate it." of course, this all depends on the ages of the children - and works best with most children who are at least 4. it takes a little while to get past the "i like your shirt" stage (since it's compliments AND appreciations), but eventually they start saying, "thank you for sharing your toy," or "thanks for helping me when i fell down."Comment
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On the subject of tattletales (when it isn't a safety issue),
If a child comes up to me and says, "He took my ball and I had it first", or something like it, I always ask them, "then what did you do?". I will keep the conversation amongst us, and help the tattler to get past it using their words, or give them pointers on what to go say to the offender. I always ask them to come back and tell me if it worked, and intervene only if it goes absolutely nowhere. That way, they get the guidance without the satisfaction of getting someone in trouble.
If they tattle about "So and so is breaking a rule!" Then I simply ask them "Did you tell me that so they will get in trouble, or because you are a friend and you are worried about it?" They almost always say the second one, so I respond with "Well, you can be a good friend right now and go remind them of the rules. Next time, try to tell them before you tell me."
60% of the time, it works every time.....
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Tattling drives me bonkers! So when a child starts with the "She took my ball ..." my response is "So what do you need to say?" (The correct answer is "I was playing with that. Please give it back.") By then the tattler has either lost interest in tattling, or they actually go back and work on resolving the issue amongst themselves. It's a win/win for everyone
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