Am I wrong??? ((Eating Question))

[krissy_mo]

Ok, I feel silly asking....

But I've always either had kids that at least ate SOMETHING... or they were old enough (school age) to go hungry til the next meal and know to eat better next time.

My 3 yr old DCG won't eat for mom, won't eat for me, etc... for an ongoing period. Mom handles it by offering to buy her mcdonalds and cajoling and such...

I realize she isn't going to touch our food... (we had cornbread and broiled fish this evening with green beans)... so.. she is getting upset when she sees me cooking. Starting to cry already. so I sit down and say, "ok, it's almost dinner, and you need to eat. I am willing to make you either some sausages or some chicken nuggets. She brightens up and says she wants chicken nuggets.

I go throw them in the oven, right then and there, and when they are done, and we are all sitting down, she doesn't eat a single bite and starts crying again.. saying she wants to go watch TV.

WWYD?

I don't force kids to eat, but is she old enough to be expected to eat at least ONE of the chicken nuggets she asked for?

so anyway, she sat and cried for about an hour refusing to eat anything while my other kids got their "quiet time" movie..... then we all got ready for bed and went to bed.

Her mom called while in the middle of this and said, "Well, I'm trying to change my shift so I don't have to put her in daycare that much because she is so unhappy and crying all the time. If she keeps crying over dinner, call me and let me know and I'll have some one pick her up."

I'm thinking, no... if I put down an expectation that she eat at least one chicken nugget that she asked for... I'm not gonna call you back cuz either she ate it or she is still crying because she doesn't like the rules here, and having your boyfriend pick her up and "rescue" her isn't going to help her like the rules any better in the future.

I really HATE forcing kids to eat, it's something that goes against the grain with me... I'm more of a ok, you will get hungry eventually and eat at one of our meal times... but this one won't and then she gets tummy aches from not eating and is really miserable then!

Should I have just tossed her plate and let her go hungry again?

[Michael]

Maybe something helpful in these threads: https://www.daycare.com/forum/tags.php?tag=won%27t+eat

[youretooloud]

That's a tough one. The dinner you fixed isn't very kid friendly if that kid is used to eating McDonalds.

Even if she'd drink a glass of milk, and eat a piece of butter bread, she'd probably feel better.

It sounds almost like she got into a power struggle over food, and now has it in her head she can't/won't eat.

I don't remember why, or what happened, but as a kid, I HATED dinner time. I still look back on those years as a kid, and I hate dinner. I like it now, but there was something about the way our family was that made me dislike it immensely. I was never forced to eat anything I didn't want, but I was also never given a food choice. There was always something I would eat, but I still hated that part of my day. I wouldn't have sat there and CRIED about it.. I just kinda dreaded it, and then lived with it, because crying wasn't going to get me anywhere.

Perhaps she's in some kind of food struggle with the adults in her life, and she intended to win it, but now she's just unhappy over it.

I'd let her have her way... I wouldn't ever want to have anything to do with a kid's issues with food. Let her eat, or don't eat. You make it, she can choose to eat it or not. I'd make only one or two chicken nuggets, then a piece of bread, then let her choose.

[krissy_mo]

ok

I am starting to wonder, about the struggle with food, because since day one she gets upset when she sees me start dinner. I wonder if it has been a struggle in her life in the past... maybe a previous sitter or something.

She is just really consistent in saying , "Yes I want that, or no I don't want that" that when she asked for the nuggets, I kinda thought she'd at least eat one that she asked for.

Maybe thats why I shouldn't be doing this anymore. Cuz my kids love broiled fish and corn bread... and they eat a lot of cheap rice dishes and casseroles... which I can't make for DCG.

[youretooloud]

I have one kid who only eats Goldfish crackers. Ever. She'll drink milk, but if there are no goldfish crackers on her plate, she's not eating.

At home, she eats all the crackers she wants, they buy two of the costco sizes every week.

But, I buy them RARELY. I certainly won't allow her to make a meal out of it. So, I told her parents to feed her very well in the mornings, and bring a snack for the car on the way home. They do. Because she eats NOTHING here most days. I offer a large variety, and she won't choose something else. She's four, she's still alive, and I guess a person can live on Goldfish crackers and milk forever.

YOU probably have nothing to do with her issues... it may not be a sitter at all, but something that started at home. We parents all make mistakes, and maybe her Mom tried cajoling, then threatening, then getting angry, then being sad.... eventually mom gave in and got her a McDonalds dinner.

I just think I'd relax on the food for a while, and give her something very small so there's no pressure to eat, then allow her to go play if she doesn't want to eat. OR ask mom to pack her a tiny meal in a really cool lunch box, and give that a try.

I can't let my daycare parents pack a meal, because they'd all show up with Cupcakes and Koolaid. But, maybe Mom can find a reasonably healthy and very small meal that she can pack for her.

OH... I meant to add, I would ALWAYS feed my family the way I like to feed them. I'd never fix food for my family that isn't healthy, just to please one child. I MIGHT make an extra component that she'd like, but I wouldn't make a meal for everyone based around what she likes.

[Meyou]

I would tell her that she may not throw tantrums over meal time, that she has to sit but that she doesn't have to eat. I'd wrap up her plate and offer it to her if she asked later and stop feeding into her drama.

ETA: I would NEVER make her any different unless she had an allergy or it was a simple substitution for something she actually doesn't like. An apple for a banana for example.

[Heidi]

I'm with Meyou. I would not make her anything obviously special, but I would make sure there is something benign at every meal, like a slice of bread. If she starts to cry over it, I would (very nicely) excuse her from the table, and put her plate up. Ignore the crying, because at 3, she can probably turn it on and off to suit her.

If she comes back an hour later and says she's hungry, I would say very nicely "oh, good, I saved your plate for you" Don't give in to any drama.

It's your job to offer healthy meals. To eat or not to eat is her choice.

[Blackcat31]

I think this little one is crying when you begin prepping meals because of the anxiety she is feeling over being "asked" to eat and that little power struggle is causing stress for her. I personally wouldn't make her eat anything.

I agree with others about not forcing the issue. I had a non-eater not too long ago and everyday for meals and snacks, he was invited to the table. 99.9% of the time he declined. He wasn't off playing but was sitting by himself waiting while the rest of the kids ate. I didn't push him, I didn't bribe him and I never threatened him. I offered. He declined. Issue over.

Eventually, he started coming to the table and at least attempting to eat something. After a while, he started actually eating. Not alot and not everything but some. We didn't praise, we didn't sing for joy, we simply offered, he partially complied. Issue still not there.

Now, he is in Kindergarten and is a bit better but mom packs all his lunches and snacks and that's ok. That is her choice.

I will never ever get involved with food issues with kids. It doesn't matter what age they are.

I serve and offer. They decline or comply. Nothing more and nothing less.

[Crystal]

Offer her the meal you cook. Do not ask her if she wants something different. Sit her at the table to eat, crying and all. Let her know it is her choice if she'd like to eat or not. Give her 5 minutes sitting there crying, and then ask her if she's finished. Let it be up to her to stay or get down. Do not give her anything else, food or otherwise, if she gets down, until your own children are done. Then if they go to watch a movie, allow her to join.

Food battles are not worth the enrgy or stress. She is not going to starve. If she is truly hungry, she will eat. Do not punish her for not eating. The whole hour at the table while your own kids are watching a movie would piss me off as a parent. She's not your child, so why worry so much about it? She'll eat with Mom, leave it at that.

[sharlan]

I would stop making it an issue. She starts crying when you start cooking because she knows what lies ahead. She knows a battle is on the way and is already stressing about it.

Call her to the table, let her sit there for a few minutes, if she continues to cry, let her go to another room to quietly play toys. Once dinner is over and your kids watch tv, let her join them. I'm sure your family would enjoy eating dinner without her sitting there crying.

IMHO, under NO circumstances should a child be forced to sit at a table for an hour. As a parent, I would consider it abuse if my child was forced to sit at a table for an hour while other children were allowed to watch tv.

so anyway, she sat and cried for about an hour refusing to eat anything while my other kids got their "quiet time" movie..... then we all got ready for bed and went to bed.

[krissy_mo]

ok, live and learn. I'm not licensed or anything, just a mom doing babysitting, so I'm learning like other parents do.

I've always had older kids or infants... I have rarely, except with my own kids, had kids in this age group... so, she is introducing me to stuff I've never experienced before.

She HAS had some really negative experiences, this girl, so there are issues across the board.

by the way, my kids actually only watched a short ben-10 show, so, I estimated pretty high on the hour... but still, I made a mistake.

[Blackcat31]

ok, live and learn. I'm not licensed or anything, just a mom doing babysitting, so I'm learning like other parents do.

I've always had older kids or infants... I have rarely, except with my own kids, had kids in this age group... so, she is introducing me to stuff I've never experienced before.

She HAS had some really negative experiences, this girl, so there are issues across the board.

by the way, my kids actually only watched a short ben-10 show, so, I estimated pretty high on the hour... but still, I made a mistake.

Hey, no worries, that is why we are all on this board.... to learn and figure out ways of dealing with new, old and everyday issues.

Like I said in my previous post: you serve and offer, she can decline or eat. Don't stress over it and don't let it become a power struggle. You will be fine and so will she.

[youretooloud]

by the way, my kids actually only watched a short ben-10 show, so, I estimated pretty high on the hour... but still, I made a mistake.

Eh..we all do. We are human. It's wonderful that you are searching for ideas.

[littlemommy]

I have a DCB who didn't eat more than 2 bites of food here for over 8 months. At lunch, he would scream before even getting to the table. In the afternoon, when I said the word "snack" he'd be the first one there. Go figure. I didn't tell his parents every day that he didn't eat, I only told them when they asked. When I would tell them, they would say "oh we'll hafta go pick up some McDonald's on the way home."

One day DH and his friend were here and had Burger King. The kid didn't touch his food but was licking his lips looking at their bag. The other kids were eating homemade pizza. The 2 year old boy would only eat it out of the empty BK fry container. It's obvious he lived on fast food. I thought about offering our food in the BK bag, but figured that would be encouraging the fast food only issue.

Recently, there was a big change in his home life, and the mom is out of the picture temporarily. After a week with only dad, he started eating here! Now he's usually the first one done!! I don't think the dad gives him only fast food and kool aid like mom did.

[cheerfuldom]

I would not make her separate food.

I don't make kids eat any food if they dont want too except for one child that literally stopped eating period....for me and mom....and started losing weight and having other issues because of it. I still spoon feed her even though she is 2.5 because that is the only way she will eat for me. Mom is still not having much success at home.