I Cant Parent, Its Too Stressful

[Unregistered]

I would look up some services for her and hand them to her. I would also get quick and tell her the new hours her children are going to be allowed at your care. You can't fix everyone elses problems, but you can offer her the tools and then what she does with them will be up to her. Be an example to her. Show her kindness but not at the expense of your family and yourself. It's one thing to help, its another to take it all on and then resent it.

Unless things are really bad, I would not tell her to consider giving up her children. She most likely loves them to pieces -maybe not in the same way that you love your children or I love mine, but I would suggest many other avenues first before ever saying this to a parent. It sounds like she is reaching out to you- but........again help but don't be pulled into the drama, and that is very hard to do. We are caregivers and we care, so it's often hard to seperate. We spend a lot of time with these kids.

I agree tread lightly here, it sounds like there are a lot of underlying issues above and beyond even what you know.

Good luck.

[Unregistered]

I talked to my husband about all of this and he agrees with me that this is a ploy to make me feel bad. that the mom has too much pride to get any sense of help.

this mom wants EASY and wants me to make life easy for her.
I am sure that even if I term, she will find someone else willing to do as much as I do for this family all the while the mom just keeps pushing me for a discount each and every month.

I knwo that this mom will hire a nanny when the kids are older (school age) to do everything for her. She is not going to stop and try to help anyone but herself.

I have decided that I will not work for a family that is not willing to parent their child and try to use my services as "parenting services" then complain about the way their child behaves daily when at home. Every day there is a new complaint from this mom about her childs behavior and she always balmes it on daycare. Well she is going to have to find another person to "parent her kids all day and night while getting paid peanuts. Oh and then get to watch her drive away in her brand new jaguar sport...I mean those are only 90k starting price...I dont care that they have a lot of money, don't get that twisted. It's about the fact that she brought children in this world, more than one and then one day wakes up and says,you know what, I cant do this parent thing anymore it's too much for me. Who does that......you don't decide its too much. You do everything you can and become a better parent for you and your child...

Like someone else said. I cant let their problems become mine... If I had a list of all of the things that my family has had to suffer from because of working the long hours for this family you would all smack me and say WHY in the world would you let that happen?

Well I have had to learn a very hard lesson and have had to learn it the hard way.

[cheerfuldom]

sounds like you know this is a ploy. good for you for not taking it anymore.

[Jewels]

I would almost take this as a Cry for help, The husband and her are obviously fighting and not aggreeing on discipline or working together, and shes probably gotten to the point where shes depressed, and stressed and just angry, and shes at the end of her rope, She needs help, Not to put her kids up for ADOPTION (wow nan) nobody knows whats happening at home, they all sound like they need some pshycological intervention. However, I would not help them out with extended hours anymore, if you just told me your home these extra hours, well I'm giving you your boys back. Okay I just read your last post, and If this is a ploy and shes just lazy and selfish, well that ****s.......but she really could just be in a bad depression, which if youve been there can make you very selfish, because you just dont care about anything

[CheekyChick]

At least she was honest to say she's struggling. It's better to vent to you - then for her to harm her children if overly frustrated.

I would recommend to her some good parenting books and parenting classes. I would tell her that they are still young and it's not too late to turn things around. I would give her all of the tools and ecouragemnt she would need to make a fresh start. Plus, I would tell her that avoiding the problem (i.e. the children) is not the solution. She needs to dig in and fix the problem.

[nannyde]

She needs help, Not to put her kids up for ADOPTION (wow nan) nobody knows whats happening at home, they all sound like they need some pshycological intervention.

Ummm

I don't think that's harsh.

They are doing a terrible job parenting.

They do not want their kids.

They don't want to be around them awake. They are already using 11.5 hours a day with all three meals included and she is coming EARLY to daycare? What?

They are fighting over them the few awake hours they do have them.

The kids are doing poorly.

They want it to be easy and it's never going to be.

Why not counsel them to consider placing them somewhere with adults who DO care and want the kids. The kids are young enough that they could really flourish if they had access to a real parent. There IS open adoption now. They could visit the children without having to care for them. This is very close to what they are doing right now.

I don't know the family but I have a sneaking suspicion that the Mom doesn't have mental health issues in anything BUT the work of her kids. They seem to make it out in the real world with their jobs.

Sorry... I'm not buying it. They don't like their kids and they don't want to take care of them. Why not give the kids the gift of a parent who wants to raise them?

Offer advise to get them into intensive counselling and then when they refuse... which she will because in order to do that she HAS to be there with her awake kids... then tell her you agree she can't handle it and that she should consider placing the children with someone who actually wants them.

We need to quit coddling these parents and call a spade a spade. It's not supposed to be easy. Get off your arse and take care of your kids. You can never be good at it if you don't do it.

[caligirl]

I would suggest the parents find a family counselor. They obviously need help, and a professional to help them. Although talking to you about it is great, the problem with that is you are right in the middle. They need someone who is not involved.

[Snowflakes]

I find when my children(s)' behavior deteriorates, she/they need more one on one time. ( I have three) My husband & I try to do this rountinely, but when we let it slip, it's obvious.

I think this mom will find if she spends time with each child, individually, she will enjoy them more and connect more and their behavior will improve. I think mom & dad should try splitting up the kids & doing one on one breakfast/activities/dinner. Of course, they may not want too...

What about telling her you will do 1 day of extended care for both and then 1 day of extended care for just the oldest and 1 day of extended care for just the youngest, with regular hours 2 days a week for a few more weeks and then back to regular hours every day after that?

I wonder why they don't just hire an au pair? And, yes, counseling and parenting classes...

[Crystal]

I think all parents go through trying times and wonder how they will continue to manage. Some parents are stronger than others and move on, figuring it out one step at a time. Others struggle and need a little guidance.

There are a couple of things I would do......

1. I'd call CPS and ask if they have an outreach service that they can provide to assist a family who is struggling with parenting.

2. I'd find and create a list of resources for the family. I'd provide it to them, AND I'd offer to keep thier children for free while they attended parenting classes.....with the condition that they provide proof that they attended.

3. I'd model appropriate parenting with THEIR children IN FRONT OF THEM every single day at drop off and pick up. This will provide them with tools to manage behavior in developmentally appropriate ways.

4. I'd ask the parent the SPECIFIC behavior issues they are having at home and then provide them with written instructions on how I would manage those behaviors in my care.

5. I'd do all of this with BOTH parents,(aside from calling CPS) in a meeting. I'd straight up tell them that their arguing about how to manage behaviors is detrimental to their children, to their marriage and to their family as a whole. I would try to help them reach a consensus and write up an agreement between the two of them on how they will, as a TEAM, work to find peace and happiness in their home.

6. I would tell them that they are only offered child care while they are working. I'd tell them that they need to start spending every extra minute they have with their children. I'd let them know that alot of the children's misbehavior is related to not spending enough time with Mom and Dad and they are seeking attention in whatever way they can get it.

7. I would NOT recommend adoption. That is only going to alienate them, they'll move on and matters will get worse for the children.

This Mom is reaching out for help....she clearly does not WANT to feel this way...she wants to figure it out, she just does not know how.

[nannyde]

This Mom is reaching out for help....she clearly does not WANT to feel this way...she wants to figure it out, she just does not know how.

I don't think so.

I think she's running game.

She's either sensing the provider is going to nix part of the extra long days or she's setting her up to take even more hours.

[Cat Herder]

IMHO, I am a Mandated Reporter and this falls under Neglect.

I'd call my favorite Caseworker at CPS.

He is awesome AND this kind of stuff is his job.

Child Neglect is Child Neglect regardless of the rationalization.

He is pretty awesome at providing parents the tools or the kick in the arse they need to get over themselves and into their kids.

[Ariana]

Sounds like a typical narcissist who is taking advantage of you bu eliciting sympathy. Pity from you is the narcissists biggest ally. How many parents feel TOTALLY overwhelmed and want to run away and b!itch a moan to our friends? a lot of us!! However we hang in there for our kids. I can't ever imagine doing this to a child.

I also agree with calling CPS and getting them some mandated parenting courses if she truly needs the help....which I doubt.

[wdmmom]

I would limit hours to 10 max per day. Your job is to provide care to the children while the parents are unable not because they don't want to!

Schedule contracted hours. 30 minutes before DCM needs to be at work and 30 minutes after DCM gets off work.

If she can't handle it, that's on her. Don't let her problem become your problem!

If she can't start doing her job as a parent, I say term this family all together!