I Cant Parent, Its Too Stressful

[Unregistered]

So last night I have a meeting with a family that I have been having issues with. Showing up way early, behavior issues, and just not caring to follow a lot of the rules.

So DCM and I sit down to talk about the issues at hand. She starts of by complaining how much her younger child cries that he has to come to daycare each day when he wakes up. (by the way, the children are here 11.5 hours everyday and for every meal)
I tell her well that's normal, I would cry to if I had to leave my mom and dad for most of the day.

Well we are about a good 30 minutes into the meeting and the parent straight out admits that the reason the kids have to come here everyday for so many hours is not only because she does have to wORK, but mostly because she is too stressed out to parent her boys. The boys have taken over the house and now the parents are constantly fighting because they cant control them.

The DCM admitted that she is too stressed out to deal with them in the morning, so its easier to bring them here to eat breakfast and its easier to have them eat dinner here too, because it's too much stress for her and the dad. DCM goes on to say that she did not realize how hard it was going to be to become a parent and that she just is not good at it. Tears roll down her face and I sit here looking at this parent who is defeated by a 4 and 5 year old. All of her lack of parenting has finally caught up with her and now she can't take it any more.

I am curious to see how some of you would respond to this...

[cheerfuldom]

wow. she really must be at her wits end to tell you something like that. were you thinking of terming or just needing to hash out some issues? I think i would recommend them talk to a parenting professional that can help with getting these boys on track at home. you can't solve every problem for them and they can't check out on their kids (they are not even school age for goodness sake!). figure out if you want to hang in there with this family. come up with some goals and timelines for what you can compromise on (if you are willing to compromise). perhaps start with parents picking up in time for the kids to eat dinner at home (no matter how hard that is for the parents). really if I had a mom that needed the support and was showing effort and trying to get it together then I would do my best to be there for them. I would be willing to go the extra mile to get them to resources and people that could help them. All of this is no reason for them to be breaking your policies though.

I think we all know that the majority of parents that leave their kids in daycare for as much time as possible are in similar situations. She is showing that she can't handle any awake time with the kids and you are becoming like a mom to them...especially when they are eating there for every meal and stuff like that. you can't let that part continue, its not whats best for the kids at all or for you.

[DBug]

Wow, some people . I think I might read her tears as an attempt at emotional manipulation for more hours, or just sympathy or whatever, and just be stinking mad that she'd even try that with me.

On the other hand, if I thought she was really trying (altho it sounds like she's not!), I might offer to look up some parenting courses for her or lend her some books.

Idk, but I'm REALLY curious to hear how you ended up handling it!

[cheerfuldom]

did she seem sincere in the meeting or just trying to get attention and make you feel bad about confronting her?

[Unregistered]

I dont really know that parent that well to know if they were being sincere or not. I am a little torn about how I feel about it.

On one hand I feel bad for the family, because we all know that parenting is not easy. It is a lot of hard work and consistency.

I was a little jaw dropped to learn that the family is not using all of that time becuase they have to work to make a better life for their kids, but basically because they don't want to parent them. That was hard to swallow.

I told the parent in the end of the meeting, that I can help out the most that I can, when I can. BUT I think that if they let things keep going this way that they are going to have more issues with the kids when they are older. Basically said, if you cant controll them now, you will have zero control later. It was getting later than i wanted to have a meeting, so I told her that we could talk more about it later....

[cheerfuldom]

what did you think they were doing with over 11 hours of daycare a day, every day? I am assuming you know where they work and know the commute (if any) and know what they do for a living. It seems pretty clear with that info and the fact that the day was slowly getting longer and longer and the kids behavior getting worse and worse, that the parenting issue was pretty obvious. i know thats off topic.....

[Unregistered]

I wouldn't even know how to respond...

There's a part of me that can empathize with the mom. In addition to being a provider, I'm a mother, too. It's stressful at times, that's for sure. I really do get that.

What I don't get is why she didn't reach out for help and advice instead of just leaving the OP to be responsible for the kids because she couldn't handle the stress. If she thinks that leaving them in daycare for over 11 hours a day is the solution, then she is sorely mistaken.

If those kids aren't aware of her feelings by now, they will be soon. Kids are always listening and they understand more than some people give them credit for.

[laundrymom]

I would refer them to CPS or family services and terminate care if things didn't change dramatically. THOSE organizations can help THEM with THEIR issues. good luck. ((()))

[Unregistered]

when the parents changed their hours, they told me it was because they needed to have more time to work. that they could not meet the hours they were currently in.

I believed them that they needed more time to work and of course I knew of the behavioral issues that they were having.... The kids normally behave here. But since the time change, they have been acting up.

the more I talk about this, the more mad I get. I give up so much personal time with my family just so that I can take this client. After that conversation, it just goes to show that they could care less about my personal time....SHe probably thinks since she doesnt want to spend time with her kids, that maybe I dont care that I don't get a lot of time with my own..

what a mess I am in..

[laundrymom]

You aren't in a mess. You are not the problem. If I were you I'd just tell mom, I understand parenting is stressful but you need to find a way to deal with it. Maybe your caseworker or a pastor? Either way you are only allowed to leave the kids here while you are working. I am not a substitute family for them. I'm a childcare.

when the parents changed their hours, they told me it was because they needed to have more time to work. that they could not meet the hours they were currently in.

I believed them that they needed more time to work and of course I knew of the behavioral issues that they were having.... The kids normally behave here. But since the time change, they have been acting up.

the more I talk about this, the more mad I get. I give up so much personal time with my family just so that I can take this client. After that conversation, it just goes to show that they could care less about my personal time....SHe probably thinks since she doesnt want to spend time with her kids, that maybe I dont care that I don't get a lot of time with my own..

what a mess I am in..

[nannyde]

You can't get good at something if you don't do it.

They don't get to just say it's hard and then not do it.

I would seriously be asking them if they have considered placing the children for adoption. There are SO many families out there who would devote their lives to raising these kids.

If they truly can't do it then they need to really consider having someone else do it. Having a child care provider do it nearly every waking hour isn't good for the kids. They need to be parented.

I would have a hard time sitting through that. I really wonder if they are just solidifying that you need to do everything because they simply can't manage.

[Unregistered]

I cant agree with you more... how will the mother ever learn, if I don't put my foot down.
What is she going to do when the older son goes to kinder next year? The school is not going to feed him, not going to give special hours and etc.

Yes, Nan, this family wants me to do it for them and this whole time I have been. As the mom put it, its just too hard for her and dad to do it.

They have $$$$.. but they don't have a clue on how to be a parent..

I felt like telling the mom in the meeting, you think you should just dump the kids on me because you want EASY?? Of course I know the answer to that YES, that is eactly what they want. To have thier accessories and show them off, but don't want to have to maintain them. I think this is how this family views their children. As accessories... Get married, buy a house, get a dog, and then some kids.......... BUT pay someone else to do all the work so they can have all the show..........

[Oneluckymom]

Thats too bad...I would recommend her contacting a School Psychologist. Many school psychologist's work out of private practice..not just for schools. My friend is a School Psychologist and that is what she does the most, come to someones home and work directly on "how to parent." She teaches parents a lot of behavioral techniques. Just a thought. Hope for the best, but I can honestly say that I too have had those moments where I think to myself "Oh Lord What Did I get Myself Into Here ?"

[Kaddidle Care]

Tread lightly - the woman actually sounds depressed and it may actually be safer for the children to be in your care all day and night. She's over her head and in a way is asking you for help.

But how can you tell a Mom that counseling of some sort might do her some good?

She and her husband need to get on the same page and not argue over discipline in front of the children. They need a consistant plan to get their family back to a happy place instead of running away and avoiding the issue.

JMHO

[Unregistered]

S.t.e.p

Hi! I am a long time lurker with a small home daycare. I am registered but can't seem to log in!
In my area we have a home daycare support group that does trainings together and one of the women is certified to teach a series of classes called STEP. I believe there are people all over the country that run the classes and they are usually once a week for 5 weeks. I haven't done the whole series but the ones I have done are great. If she is serious it is a really positive step she can take!

STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) is a training system is structured in such a way as to enhance the ability of parents in educating their children. STEP consists of several parts:

* Understanding Yourself and Your Child
* Understanding beliefs and Feelings
* Encouraging Your Child and Yourself
* Listening and Talking to Your Child
* Helping Children Learn to cooperate
* Discipline That Makes Sense
* Choosing Your Approach