Carrying

[kitkat]

Most of us, if not all of us, teach independence to little ones. I know parents sometimes don't think or realize that their child is capable of doing certain things. Something that has been really irking me lately is dcg is 3.5 and is ALWAYS carried in by dcd! It's pathetic, in my opinion. At pick up she always wants to be held by dcm. I admit, I pick up DD, who just turned 3, at times. Since she's turned 3, I've been telling her that she's a big girl and doesn't need to be picked up. I know she's doing it because she sees dcg doing it. I guess I'm hoping that dcg will hear me say it to DD and might start thinking she's a big girl, too. I know, it's a long shot To me, 3 is way too old to be held and carried. Three is no longer a baby; babies need to be held and carried.

What's your opinion? How old is too old to be held and carried on a regular basis?

By the way: thanks for letting me vent!

[sharlan]

In the mornings, it is so much faster to carry the child in.

In the afternoon, the parents may just want the closeness after being away from their kids all day.

[Country Kids]

All of my two's and three's are carried in and out. You have to remember they aren't going to see mom or dad all day long. Our own children can have hugs, kisses and cuddle time from mom, sometimes dad all day long. Some of mine do want me to pick them up but I rarely do because one of them is a pretty sturdy kid.

So don't be to hard on them. One day you will look back and wish you could hold/carry your child but they will be to big. Cherish it and don't rush everything into the big girl phase.

[SilverSabre25]

Have you considered that being carried in/out might be her way of transitioning and reconnecting? That getting carried in to your house in the morning might be what she needs psychologically to make a good transition from daddy to you? That getting held by mommy at pick-up might be her way of reconnecting to her mom after a long day apart, and what she needs psychologically to handle that separation?

I don't see anything wrong with a three year old getting that kind of closeness and attention. I still hold, carry, rock, hug, and snuggle my DD who will be 4 next week. I'm not babying her; she's fiercely independent and very capable. Sometimes, though, when she's scared, worried, not feeling well, hasn't seen me in awhile, in a new situation, etc, she wants that connection, that closeness. Now, the holding/carrying/etc doesn't usually last very long, because she is heavy (35 lbs and about 40 inches tall). Rarely a day goes by that I don't pick her up several times, if only to give her a big squeezy bear hug.

Everybody has different opinions and your views my differ, but I think that EVERYONE needs to be held, snuggled, etc at times. It's healthy, and it's human. To say that it is "pathetic" is very harsh, IMO. That's a very loaded word to use. You can be "big" and still need snuggles.

[Cat Herder]

It makes my skin crawl.... (my big kids who speak in full sentences, take turns, and can clean up their own messes all day suddenly turn into helpless grunting cavemen)

...But then I remember last year when they were letting them run into the road, pick my flowers, knock over my bird feeders/birdbaths and throw gravel onto the lawn.

That was generally closely followed by a tirade from DH because inevitably he was the one to hit them with the lawn mower every time he mowed.

I plan to let them carry them with my blessing until they leave for preschool....:: (I don't do hand-offs unless they are infants, though.)

[nannyde]

It depends

If carrying is used by the child to add another phase of separating from the parent and there is drama when the step of "putting her down" becomes a time to cry or protest then the carrying doesn't work.

I would rather have them have the child out of their arms at the car so that part is done before they get to my front door.

There is a big difference between handing over a child from an up and held position to the floor where the provider is standing or into the providers arms then there is to hand walk a child in and have the child separate from the parent by releasing hands.

Two things can happen: The parent carries and wants the provider to receive the child and hold the child up. If the child can walk and the provider no longer ever carries the child this can cause conflict at the door.

The second one is that that the parent and child are doing "my baby" where they carry them so the child can have "my baby" and the parent can show the provider that the child is "my baby".

This causes problems when the provider is dealing with "my baby" behavior out of a child when in fact the child is one of the older kids in the house and the "my baby" care actually needs to go to the real babies or the providers child who the provider is doing "my baby" with.

What bothers you about it OP? Usually when providers dislike it it is because it signifies to them that the child is indulged and infantile behavior is ONE of the many spoiled behaviors the provider has to deal with with BOTH the child and parents.

[Unregistered]

Worst kids

Those have always been my worst kids, last year I had a horrible mother that would carry her 3.5 yr old in with his blanky. The first week if we were in my family room she would ploop him on my couch without asking, and seeing that the other kids were dressed and sitting nicely in child seats, all the while hers was screaming and crying.
Thereafter I gated my family room, so when she arrived we would all be in the living room playing and reading books. I could tell she didn't like that so she had to put him down to join the other kids. Oh and the sonic french toast she brought for her child only, I quickly took and distributed it later among all the children. She also tried to bring him in pajama's the first week, and didn't seem happy he went home that way.
For sure those have been the worst parents and children, and often they are the same ones to still be using a pacifier. While the parent makes the effort to look like they are a good parent in front of others, they are usually the ones to spend little time with the child trying to shift their duties to others.

[kitkat]

The reason why I say it's pathetic is because she manipulates her parents and acts babyish with them. Perhaps pathetic was too harsh, but that was the word I used at the moment. I completely understand the need for some kids to have an extra cuddle, but this girl has no problem transitioning (I've had her from baby on).

Another reason why I don't like it is that I had a parent carry his 4 year old and just about fell down my front steps (concrete) because he missed the step when he was carrying her. He caught his balance and did not drop his child. Ever since then, I see no reason for carrying a child who is capable of walking and has no problem transitioning.

Nannyde: You are right...she is indulged and babied by the parents, especially dcd. She even hits mom while being held when she doesn't get mom's attention (and that has nothing to do with being apart for the day, this is done at home also). To mom's credit, she is stepping up and addressing that issue much better.

Seriously, most of you have dcks that get carried in? Honestly, I'm shocked. Most of my kids aren't.

[nannyde]

While the parent makes the effort to look like they are a good parent in front of others, they are usually the ones to spend little time with the child trying to shift their duties to others.

That's a good observation in general. If a parent is coming across with a heavy flavor of "my baby" or "my child" there is a VERY high liklihood that they are doing the opposite IRL when they are the sole caretaker.

It's survival to do "my baby" when they are actual babies. Once they get past infancy and the parent is still holding on to infantile behavior it's a pretty good indication that they are picking the easiest part of infancy to replicate or carry thru publicly but privately they are doing all they can to NOT deal with the child.

Not dealing with them usually translates into a lot of TV, pacifiers, unhealthy eating, wanting someone else to HAVE the kid on their clock, cutting off nap time when the child is in anothers care, allowing dramtic and often violent behavior, ****ing cups or bottles, co-sleeping with long drawn out go to beds, and toys that entertain.

[cheerfuldom]

i completely understand what you are saying OP. I have the parenting motto of "whenever they are capable of doing something for themselves, then I expect that of them all the time". I haven't carried my 3 year old since she learned to walk, same with my 2 year old. I DO let them sit on my lap for reading, we snuggle on the couch and such. I am the same way about feeding themselves, dressing, etc, etc. My circle (including my DC parents) think I am too harsh. BUT my kids are very independent and generally well behaved. I am one of the only parents I know that does not have bed time and nap time issues. I have gone out to eat BY MYSELF with three kids under four, no problem. I am one of the few that does learning activities, LOTS of family time camping, going to festivals and such. The same parents that think I am too harsh only offer their kids carrying and extended baby treatment instead of what they really need. How crazy is that that I am the one that is judged for my parenting? It is very frustrating. Especially when DC parents are complaining that their kid is not doing this and that yet they don't take the time to let the kid try or learn. I have had 2 year olds that do not know how to use a utensil AT ALL, still on the binky a lot, very few words, and very babyish in every way.

[JenNJ]

Only the under 2's are carried here unless it is raining, snowy, etc. Honestly, I don't care either way. The kids lunge for me when they arrive. No drop off issues at all.

My 5.5 year old asks to be carried to bed most nights. Do I indulge it? Heck yes! They are only small enough to be carried for a short period of time. I love the closeness and the connection. Prettty soon he wont want hugs, kisses, or cuddling from his mommy. I am soaking it up while he does. I don't begrudge any parent that.

Is it causing dropoff issues? If not, then really it is none of your business. If so, just nicely ask if they can hold her hand at drop off and leave pick ups alone since it doesn't affect you.

[Kaddidle Care]

I carried # 1 son probably way too much to keep him out of trouble. :: He walked kind of late - 13 mos. - probably because he was carried so much.

When he was 4 I herniated a disc in my back and it was probably because I carried this big kid on my hip a lot.

Things were way different with #2 son - he learned very early to climb into his own car seat (I buckled it of course) and walked earlier and is much more independent.
He had to - he was also a big kid and my back couldn't handle it.

Live and learn. I wouldn't let it bother me. Your house, your rules - the kids realize that you can't or won't carry them around and they deal with it.

[Unregistered]

I think it's sad that people don't want to carry their kids longer than just after they learn to walk. I watched a little boy that as soon as he could walk, he had to walk on his own & his mom pushed him to be so independent from so early on. Looking back, I really don't think he was ready for it. She pushed him away so much that now he seems to do anything naughty that he can do to get attention. Had she picked him up and carried him once in a while or did little things for him once in a while, I think he'd have been a much nicer little boy.

The other thing about holding a child is that they are under your control then. You don't have to worry about them getting into things or taking their dear sweet time. It's not a matter of independence, it's a matter of "git 'r' done" sometimes. I see these people in the grocery store who tell their 3 year old they're too big to ride in the cart and they can walk...and then they wonder why it takes forever and they have to keep after the kid to not touch everything. I have an 8yr old...she still rides in the cart. My 11 yr old will stand on the part in front of the handle and we zoom through the store. It's not that they'd get into things, but we can get in and get out fast and we have fun doing it. It's not that they are babied...I'd rather get it over with so I can spend time doing something else with them. People may look at us weird, but hey...we're the ones having FUN in the grocery store and getting out quickly.

[cheerfuldom]

maybe some people are having differences with the definitions of carrying? Picking up a big kid for hugs and snuggles is one thing, physically carrying a child all the time to their detriment is completely another. I had one mom whose child was walking and mom would always carry her to the door. No big deal to me since there was no transition issue with her. One day I happen to walk the little one out to the car (my last pickup of the day for that one day) and the mom was so shocked that the little one walked to the car.....BUT the kid had been walking for months! Whats the difference between walking any old place and walking to and from my door? apparently, to the mom, there was a difference. After she saw me calmly walk kid out, she started doing that too. Maybe some parents carry because they are trying to avoid a problem that doesn't actually exist? I guess the mom assumed that the girl needed to be carried only because she had never tried to put her down. She just did what she knew to do. She had been holding kiddo since birth and it just had never occurred to her to walk and hold hands instead of carrying.

[daycare]

I am not originally from the US and one of the things that sadden me a lot is how much parents or people want a baby, toddler or child to GROW UP here.

As a parent of teenagers, I know that you only have so much time to hold and cuddle, kiss, squeeze and just love your little one to death. I don't understand why a three year old must grow up so fast. They have all of their lives to grow up. They only get 5 years of being allowed to be a baby or toddler. Then they are off to the real world where they are expected to grow up.

I am not the best with the English language, especially with being able to express what I mean in words, so hopefully this comes across the right way.

Another thing you have to think about is the parent’s reasons why they raise their children the way that they do.

I can't have any more children, this is my last one. I am also not a well person and you bet your bottom dollar that I am going to hold my son for as long as I can, baby him for as long as I can without hindering his development, spoil him, and just plain love him to death with actions, emotions and words.