FRUSTRATED with DCM!

[Angelwings36]

Ok, I will start by giving you all a background story on this family. Sorry but this is long.

Two years ago I enrolled a family into my daycare, at that time the little boy was just over a year old. When the dcm enrolled with me I was running a special low rate for single mom’s. (I really needed to fill spaces at that time and it was a quick way to do it). The rate that I offered this dcm was $400.00/month, that is a $250.00/month savings for this dcm compared to my regular full time rate of $650.00/month.

I soon became friends (to an extent) with this mother and I bonded really deeply with the dcb.

Six months after the family enrolled with me I informed the mom that I felt something was off with her son (he was really behind both cognitively and physically) and I suggested she take him in for an evaluation. She did take him in for an evaluation, A YEAR AFTER I SUGGESTED IT, and her son is autistic.

So here’s what’s going on…

I have had numerous problems with this mother;

1. Dropping off at 7:10am every morning when I open at 7:30am. I tried reminding the mother and asking her not to come until 7:30am, that never worked. Finally I fixed the problem by not unlocking my door until 7:30am on the bell. Unfortunately she still stands outside my door for sometimes upwards of 15 minutes and allows her son to bang on it! Her excuse is if she doesn’t let him he screams. If my husband leaves through that door and forgets to lock it she will walk right in. I get so upset over this! Last time it happened I walked to the door and said, “Gee, I didn’t realize the door was unlocked it’s not 7:30am yet.” She responded, “Ya but it’s 7:25am so close enough.” And then laughed. I was so mad! The extra 5 minutes would have given me enough time to finish getting myself ready for the day.

2. Sending her son to daycare with food and toys. I DO NOT allow outside food and toys in my daycare. I get so frustrated having to repeat myself over and over again! Yesterday morning dcb walked in with a chocolate tim bit in his hand! Her excuse is if she takes it from him in the car he screams so it’s easier if I take it from him.

3. She insisted 4 months ago that I cut out dcb’s nap because he is not sleeping well at night and it is stressing her out. I said no, everyone in my care naps. What exactly am I suppose to do with a LOUD autistic non-napping child at naptime?

4. In March of this year I changed my hours on Friday so I could close at 4:30pm. All but this daycare mom made accommodations for me to do so, dcm said there was no way that she could pick up at 4:30pm on Fridays. I had one Friday per month were I was truly closed at 4:30pm due to this mom’s EDO she had every third Friday off work. In June of this year the mom informed me that she would be using her EDO time for any of her son’s appointments so he would be here until 5:15pm (my closing time) every single Friday. OMG REALLY!? So, this whole time the mom could have been using her EDO time to get off a little earlier on Fridays to pick up her son by 4:30pm and she didn’t even breath a word of this to me. I fixed that one, I told her I was going to be closed every Friday at 4:30pm PERIOD, amazingly enough she has had no problems picking up her son at 4:30pm every Friday since then.

5. Wanting to pick up in the middle of naptime once a week every week. This started two months ago. Dcm said that she would be picking her son up at 1:30pm every Friday for her son’s appointments for autism. I told her that, that won’t work for me and she either has to pick up before 12:30pm or after 2:30pm. Her son is autistic and he is the LOUDEST child that I have. When mom shows up to pick up he is completely out of control. Screaming at the top of his lungs! So much so that I implemented Nan’s bye bye outside program for 2 weeks to re-train both the dcb and the mom.

6. She also asked me if he could have his therapy sessions at my house twice a week for an hour and when I said no for obvious reasons she huffed and stomped out of the house.

7. Today dcm walks in and says, “I know you don’t prefer to have drop offs and pick ups during 12:30pm and 2:30pm but all my son’s appointments on Friday got changed so I will have to pick him up during that time. I was like no I’m sorry that won’t work for me, he has to be picked up either before 12:30pm or after 2:30pm, I am not changing my policies for one person. She huffed and said she didn’t know what she was going to do then and stomped out the door. I was like, hmmm, didn’t we already go over this?

At this point, I have just about had it! Not only is this mom receiving a $250/month discount, but she insists on having MORE special than everyone else in my care. Also, had I known earlier her son was autistic I would have given her a higher than regular rate, not lower.

On top of that there is very little parenting going on, on mom’s side of things. Dcb is here from my opening until closing Monday through Friday. She even arrives earlier than my opening time and sits in the car with dcb waiting for me to open. I know for a matter of fact that mom doesn’t work until 8:00am and it only takes her 15 minutes to get to work! Dcm informed me that when she gets home her and dcb have supper, she baths him and puts him in his bedroom to watch a movie at 6:30pm until he falls asleep. She puts a baby gate up so he can’t get out. So Monday to Friday Dcb only gets 5 hours total of face time with dcm.

Dcm cannot control her son. He doesn’t listen to her. He will scream, hit, throw things at her and she does nothing to correct this behaviour. When he is with me he is well behaved, follows my rules and would never dream of hitting me or throwing stuff at me, he knows it’s not allowed. I keep his day structured and the same, as that is what works best with autistic children and in the end I think it keeps his behaviour very much in check and I am able to control him.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I feel disrespected, taken advantage of, walked on and hurt.

Any advice?

[Angelwings36]

I am also starting the progress of SLOWLY changing my daycare down to only running a part time daycare. I want to be closed on Mondays and possibly tuesday. I was willing to stay open those two days for this DCM, my gf and another family that has been with me for 4 years until their children were in Kindergarten. But I don't think I'm willing to stay open for this mom on Monday and Tuesday with the low rate that I have her on.

[AnneCordelia]

I think if you raise her rates (sounds like she's been getting a hefty discount for more than a year without an increase!) then your problems will disappear.

[Angelwings36]

I think if you raise her rates (sounds like she's been getting a hefty discount for more than a year without an increase!) then your problems will disappear.

Thanks so much, I think this is the route I will likely take!

[wdmmom]

Considering she's violated about every single rule you have, I'd be quick to push her out the door and offer a discount for a new family to come in. (AND...not that significant of a discount).

This mom wants cheap and wants quality and wants what she wants. Put your foot down! It's your house and your rules and they haven't changed. You tell DCM you run the show!

And as for the discount, it expires next month! Give her notice this Friday that effective October 31, discount has expired. She needs to pay what everyone else is...even if you have to spread it out over time for her to get the concept.

(Example: your rate will increase $25 a week effective October 31 and it will increase by another $25 a week February 1 to reflect the change. If she has an issue, you can tell her she is still getting a $50 a month discount. Either she can deal or she can leave and pay someone A LOT more than you are currently charging her!)

[laundrymom]

This!!!!
Excellent post

[familyschoolcare]

I usually do not like to suggest this but . . . I think you should terminate/encourage parent to find "better for her" day care. What this parent relay needs is someone that can help her help her child someone with training in dealing with autistic children. (This did my step son a world of good)

Short of that start raising her rate so that on top of dealing with her you are not getting paid less.

[Unregistered]

Ok, I will start by giving you all a background story on this family. Sorry but this is long.

Two years ago I enrolled a family into my daycare, at that time the little boy was just over a year old. When the dcm enrolled with me I was running a special low rate for single mom’s. (I really needed to fill spaces at that time and it was a quick way to do it). The rate that I offered this dcm was $400.00/month, that is a $250.00/month savings for this dcm compared to my regular full time rate of $650.00/month.

I soon became friends (to an extent) with this mother and I bonded really deeply with the dcb.

Six months after the family enrolled with me I informed the mom that I felt something was off with her son (he was really behind both cognitively and physically) and I suggested she take him in for an evaluation. She did take him in for an evaluation, A YEAR AFTER I SUGGESTED IT, and her son is autistic.

So here’s what’s going on…

I have had numerous problems with this mother;

1. Dropping off at 7:10am every morning when I open at 7:30am. I tried reminding the mother and asking her not to come until 7:30am, that never worked. Finally I fixed the problem by not unlocking my door until 7:30am on the bell. Unfortunately she still stands outside my door for sometimes upwards of 15 minutes and allows her son to bang on it! Her excuse is if she doesn’t let him he screams. If my husband leaves through that door and forgets to lock it she will walk right in. I get so upset over this! Last time it happened I walked to the door and said, “Gee, I didn’t realize the door was unlocked it’s not 7:30am yet.” She responded, “Ya but it’s 7:25am so close enough.” And then laughed. I was so mad! The extra 5 minutes would have given me enough time to finish getting myself ready for the day.

2. Sending her son to daycare with food and toys. I DO NOT allow outside food and toys in my daycare. I get so frustrated having to repeat myself over and over again! Yesterday morning dcb walked in with a chocolate tim bit in his hand! Her excuse is if she takes it from him in the car he screams so it’s easier if I take it from him.

3. She insisted 4 months ago that I cut out dcb’s nap because he is not sleeping well at night and it is stressing her out. I said no, everyone in my care naps. What exactly am I suppose to do with a LOUD autistic non-napping child at naptime?

4. In March of this year I changed my hours on Friday so I could close at 4:30pm. All but this daycare mom made accommodations for me to do so, dcm said there was no way that she could pick up at 4:30pm on Fridays. I had one Friday per month were I was truly closed at 4:30pm due to this mom’s EDO she had every third Friday off work. In June of this year the mom informed me that she would be using her EDO time for any of her son’s appointments so he would be here until 5:15pm (my closing time) every single Friday. OMG REALLY!? So, this whole time the mom could have been using her EDO time to get off a little earlier on Fridays to pick up her son by 4:30pm and she didn’t even breath a word of this to me. I fixed that one, I told her I was going to be closed every Friday at 4:30pm PERIOD, amazingly enough she has had no problems picking up her son at 4:30pm every Friday since then.

5. Wanting to pick up in the middle of naptime once a week every week. This started two months ago. Dcm said that she would be picking her son up at 1:30pm every Friday for her son’s appointments for autism. I told her that, that won’t work for me and she either has to pick up before 12:30pm or after 2:30pm. Her son is autistic and he is the LOUDEST child that I have. When mom shows up to pick up he is completely out of control. Screaming at the top of his lungs! So much so that I implemented Nan’s bye bye outside program for 2 weeks to re-train both the dcb and the mom.

6. She also asked me if he could have his therapy sessions at my house twice a week for an hour and when I said no for obvious reasons she huffed and stomped out of the house.

7. Today dcm walks in and says, “I know you don’t prefer to have drop offs and pick ups during 12:30pm and 2:30pm but all my son’s appointments on Friday got changed so I will have to pick him up during that time. I was like no I’m sorry that won’t work for me, he has to be picked up either before 12:30pm or after 2:30pm, I am not changing my policies for one person. She huffed and said she didn’t know what she was going to do then and stomped out the door. I was like, hmmm, didn’t we already go over this?

At this point, I have just about had it! Not only is this mom receiving a $250/month discount, but she insists on having MORE special than everyone else in my care. Also, had I known earlier her son was autistic I would have given her a higher than regular rate, not lower.

On top of that there is very little parenting going on, on mom’s side of things. Dcb is here from my opening until closing Monday through Friday. She even arrives earlier than my opening time and sits in the car with dcb waiting for me to open. I know for a matter of fact that mom doesn’t work until 8:00am and it only takes her 15 minutes to get to work! Dcm informed me that when she gets home her and dcb have supper, she baths him and puts him in his bedroom to watch a movie at 6:30pm until he falls asleep. She puts a baby gate up so he can’t get out. So Monday to Friday Dcb only gets 5 hours total of face time with dcm.

Dcm cannot control her son. He doesn’t listen to her. He will scream, hit, throw things at her and she does nothing to correct this behaviour. When he is with me he is well behaved, follows my rules and would never dream of hitting me or throwing stuff at me, he knows it’s not allowed. I keep his day structured and the same, as that is what works best with autistic children and in the end I think it keeps his behaviour very much in check and I am able to control him.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I feel disrespected, taken advantage of, walked on and hurt.

Any advice?

So you would of charged her a HIGHER rate of what you charge if you knew her Son was special needs that is discrimanation. Honestly instead of talking about Mom not being able to handle her child suggest she get family therpay to learn how to deal with her child special needs children are much more harder to handle then a normal child my heart goes out to the Mom because it seems she doesnt know how to deal with him except put him in his room to watch tv its sad for her and the child. Why couldnt he have therpay at your house too whats wrong with that its only to benifit the child? I had a PT come in and work with a child once a week before if the child NEEDS it then why not. I think Mom should find another provider who can deal with her time frame and what she can afford so term her instead of complain about it.

[safechner]

I can understand that you are frustrated with your dcm who is not following your rules. I have to say that you can't give her a higher rates than regular rates due to his special needs that you can get in trouble for that. But you can increase her regular rates.

About autistic child being loud, well, he can't help it. Some autistic children can be louder or not but you have to be patient with him whatever you can. All autistic children are different. It kinda hurts what you said about this since I have a daughter who has PDD on Autism Spectrum. My husband and I work so hard to get some help for our daughter and I taught my daughter everyday. Her behavior was awful and we work so hard to get her better everyday. You have NO idea what I am going through. Now she is doing much better and I am very impressed that I work hard with her. He may be screaming out of his lungs due to lack of communication. As you know, there are so many autistic children have trouble to take nap time because they don't know what is it. My daughter was like that when she was younger. Now she is 10 year old and she knows my routine for her to go bed every nights. It took a long time for her to understand about routine. I suggest you and your dcm to work together as same pages to help him to get better everyday if you want to.

[Angelwings36]

I can understand that you are frustrated with your dcm who is not following your rules. I have to say that you can't give her a higher rates than regular rates due to his special needs that you can get in trouble for that. But you can increase her regular rates.

About autistic child being loud, well, he can't help it. Some autistic children can be louder or not but you have to be patient with him whatever you can. All autistic children are different. It kinda hurts what you said about this since I have a daughter who has PDD on Autism Spectrum. My husband and I work so hard to get some help for our daughter and I taught my daughter everyday. Her behavior was awful and we work so hard to get her better everyday. You have NO idea what I am going through. Now she is doing much better and I am very impressed that I work hard with her. He may be screaming out of his lungs due to lack of communication. As you know, there are so many autistic children have trouble to take nap time because they don't know what is it. My daughter was like that when she was younger. Now she is 10 year old and she knows my routine for her to go bed every nights. It took a long time for her to understand about routine. I suggest you and your dcm to work together as same pages to help him to get better everyday if you want to.

I actually have very LITTLE problems with the dcb. I have spent the last two years working with, getting him into a routine and figuring what his triggers are and what will turn those triggers off if it happens. I'm sorry if what I said about him being loud bothered you but I didn't mean it towards the dcb at all. I was frustrated because mom knows that when she picks up her son become extremely loud as soon as he sees her and still wanted to do a pick up in the middle of nap time. Dcb also has ZERO problems sleeping at nap time but if I had him out in the play room he would for sure wake all my kids up as he does get loud when he is stimulated. I don't have a problem dealing with this autistic child and I actually love him as my own, my problem is with the mom who is not cooperating with me.

[familyschoolcare]

It kinda hurts what you said about this since I have a daughter who has PDD on Autism Spectrum.

I suggest you and your dcm to work together as same pages to help him to get better everyday if you want to.

1. what did the op say that was so hurt full B/C I can not find it she was simply complaining that the mother would allow the child to bange on her door sometimes for 15 min.

2. Most of the OP problems are B?|/C the mom will not work with her or her son.

[momofboys]

So you would of charged her a HIGHER rate of what you charge if you knew her Son was special needs that is discrimanation. Honestly instead of talking about Mom not being able to handle her child suggest she get family therpay to learn how to deal with her child special needs children are much more harder to handle then a normal child my heart goes out to the Mom because it seems she doesnt know how to deal with him except put him in his room to watch tv its sad for her and the child. Why couldnt he have therpay at your house too whats wrong with that its only to benifit the child? I had a PT come in and work with a child once a week before if the child NEEDS it then why not. I think Mom should find another provider who can deal with her time frame and what she can afford so term her instead of complain about it.

I can understand why she doesn't want the therapy at HER home. Who would (just being honest). When I had DCK at my house we had a routine that I set. We'd go to the park, storytime, did preschool activities, baking & crafts. I wouldn't want a extra appointments that would infringe on the activities I do & would more than likely make the other kids in care miss out on things, too. A provider has to consider ALL the kids in her care & in some cases can't make SPECIAL arrangements for one child that affects ALL the kids.

[Angelwings36]

So you would of charged her a HIGHER rate of what you charge if you knew her Son was special needs that is discrimanation. Honestly instead of talking about Mom not being able to handle her child suggest she get family therpay to learn how to deal with her child special needs children are much more harder to handle then a normal child my heart goes out to the Mom because it seems she doesnt know how to deal with him except put him in his room to watch tv its sad for her and the child. Why couldnt he have therpay at your house too whats wrong with that its only to benifit the child? I had a PT come in and work with a child once a week before if the child NEEDS it then why not. I think Mom should find another provider who can deal with her time frame and what she can afford so term her instead of complain about it.

I actually would not have charged her HIGHER if I was AWARE that her son was autistic. I just would not have accepted him into my daycare in the first place because I DO NOT have the educational background to deal with an autistic child, mom is aware of this but still CHOOSES to bring him here. And if you will read my whole post you can note that I was the one that suggested that the mom get him in for an evaluation...it took mom a whole year to do this. He is in therapy now and she has someone trying to help her. Therapy WILL NOT be done in my house as it just won't work. The daycare is a wide open space downstairs and my upstairs is STRICTLY AN ADULT ZONE! It's my private home and I don't want other people in my upstairs area.

[safechner]

I actually have very LITTLE problems with the dcb. I have spent the last two years working with, getting him into a routine and figuring what his triggers are and what will turn those triggers off if it happens. I'm sorry if what I said about him being loud bothered you but I didn't mean it towards the dcb at all. I was frustrated because mom knows that when she picks up her son become extremely loud as soon as he sees her and still wanted to do a pick up in the middle of nap time. Dcb also has ZERO problems sleeping at nap time but if I had him out in the play room he would for sure wake all my kids up as he does get loud when he is stimulated. I don't have a problem dealing with this autistic child and I actually love him as my own, my problem is with the mom who is not cooperating with me.

That is awesome that you are accepting him like as your own. Most daycare wouldn't take autistic children due to behavior problem or not patient. I do understand that you are having problem with his mother. Maybe his mother needs some help. ::::

[nannyde]

Raise rates and charge her additional for a special needs rate.

Raise her rate to twice what she is paying and give her a two week notice on the rate hike.