How Much Comfort Does A Newbie Toddler Need

[Blackcat31]

It's interesting you paid attention to my 2 questions - but did it really sink in that my son was NEWBIE to a daycare facility and that I was not looking for constant holding for my son but a few hugs in the beginning to make him feel safe?

Take off your provider hat and read through the thread 'realistically' and tell me that there is no judgment here.

It's true, I did get well-meaning feedback and I don't want to take that away from them. I guess I'm clueless - I should expect that every thread may have this but it is also obvious to me that I am in the wrong community group.

No, you were not asking for too much by wanting your son to be hugged now and then. Personally, I am a hugger and all my daycare kids get lots of physical affection from me. I also work in family childcare so the kids here (and their families) are like my own and I grow to love them very much.

I have a friend who works in a center and she is not affectionate at all with the kids there. They come and go all the time and newbies are not unusual. It is difficult to form a bonding and long term realtionship when you are working in a center. (IMPO)

It is a big deal for your son because he IS the newbie but to the teacher, she probably has a newbie all the time...kwim? I do think you have a right to ask for your child to receive a hug and some comforting when he is needing it, but like others have said, you just are not going to get that loving attention from a center in my personal opinion.

You also have a right to confront the teacher and have no worries that she is going to treat your child badly or have resentful feelings if you speak up. You have the responsibility to ask and seek the type of care you want for YOUR child. But be warned, you can NOT make a center or a teacher or a daycare or anyone for that matter do what you want if THEY are not on board with it. If they can not provide your son what you are looking for then you do need to find a different type of care or another center.

I feel really bad that the center teacher you are talking about would be that kind of caregiver that she would be resentful to you for speaking up, but just because a person is working in the child care field, it doesn't mean they are cut out for it ...

My advice? DON'T ever give up on seeking the right care for your child. Even if you do find a center, home childcare, nanny or babysitter, don't stop checking that your sons needs are always being met...it will be a long journey that will continue on into his school years as well. Open communication is the key. Find a provider (no matter if it is FCC or center or whatever) that you can talk openly and frankly with and if a problem should ever arise, 99.9% of them are solved because of the type of communication you have with your provider.


P.S. I have my provider hat off and my mom hat on.....I am in the child care business because I have children and one of them required a different type of care than any center or FCC could offer him.

[Little People]

No, you were not asking for too much by wanting your son to be hugged now and then. Personally, I am a hugger and all my daycare kids get lots of physical affection from me. I also work in family childcare so the kids here (and their families) are like my own and I grow to love them very much.

I have a friend who works in a center and she is not affectionate at all with the kids there. They come and go all the time and newbies are not unusual. It is difficult to form a bonding and long term realtionship when you are working in a center. (IMPO)

It is a big deal for your son because he IS the newbie but to the teacher, she probably has a newbie all the time...kwim? I do think you have a right to ask for your child to receive a hug and some comforting when he is needing it, but like others have said, you just are not going to get that loving attention from a center in my personal opinion.

You also have a right to confront the teacher and have no worries that she is going to treat your child badly or have resentful feelings if you speak up. You have the responsibility to ask and seek the type of care you want for YOUR child. But be warned, you can NOT make a center or a teacher or a daycare or anyone for that matter do what you want if THEY are not on board with it. If they can not provide your son what you are looking for then you do need to find a different type of care or another center.

I feel really bad that the center teacher you are talking about would be that kind of caregiver that she would be resentful to you for speaking up, but just because a person is working in the child care field, it doesn't mean they are cut out for it ...

My advice? DON'T ever give up on seeking the right care for your child. Even if you do find a center, home childcare, nanny or babysitter, don't stop checking that your sons needs are always being met...it will be a long journey that will continue on into his school years as well. Open communication is the key. Find a provider (no matter if it is FCC or center or whatever) that you can talk openly and frankly with and if a problem should ever arise, 99.9% of them are solved because of the type of communication you have with your provider.


P.S. I have my provider hat off and my mom hat on.....I am in the child care business because I have children and one of them required a different type of care than any center or FCC could offer him.

You have you mom hat on and I have my mommie T-shirt on, and from all the hugs I have lots of runny noses wiped on me yesterday and today

[Unregistered]

Not my intention to offend . . .

Hi Bunches,

I genuinely aplogize if I upset you, as that was not really my intention. I was a new parent once and I truly feel for you. I, like you learned as I went and I was only trying to share some of what I have learned. Just to clarify, I do not provide childcare services nor have I ever. Again, I am a Mom of two boys, 4 and 2 and I work full-time. I was sharing my experience with my sons and childcare. Self-righteousness was definitely not what I was aiming for. Maybe, with time you will be able to see this. I know it is impossible to take emotion out of a situation when talking about your own child and our strong first instinct is to be defensive. This is normal and I certainly understand it.

Also, I was not speaking of you when I mentioned sacrifice and SUVs etc. At that point, I was responding to another comment. I do not know your situation and therefore cannot comment on what you do and don't sacrifice. Parents choose different things for different reasons and I completely respect this - IF THEIR CHILD IS THE PRIORITY. I will be the first one to admit, I have a problem with certain types of parents: ie. They bring their full-time day care children to day care when they have a day/week off so they can run errands, get stuff done, decompress, go shopping, clean or (my favorite) reconnect with a spouse, or bargain hunt for childcare while continuing to spend on material goods or feed their kids hot dogs and peanut butter and jelly everyday. Boy, was I surprised the first time (in my play group) I saw a toddler that looked at strawberries like they were a foreign object and had the Mom say, that they had not "introduced" their child to fruit or veggies yet. (Before somebody attacks me, no the child did not have allergies etc).

I hope my post educated a few people and that is it. Reality is reality and we are only human. There is a reason one-on-one care costs a great deal and day care is less expensive. Unfortunately, most don't think specifics when we are pregnant since we do not know just how much we do not know. I have seen so many parents get upset at their provider because the child is crying and they let them cry it out. Why are they surprised at this if they have been parenting this child and they see this provider has other kids. How would they be able to do it? The day cares HAVE to do this (if the cry is not related to hunger, diaper, something serious of course.) They have to get these children used to not being held because they can not hold all of them (ask of a mother of multiples what she does). I would also like to share this:

Infants in Daycare
Consider the amount of physical care and attention a baby needs--say 20 minutes for feeding every three hours or so, and 10 minutes for diapering every two hours or so, and time for the care giver to wash her hands thoroughly and sanitize the area after changing each baby. In an eight-and-a-half-hour day, then, a care giver working under the typical four-to-one ratio will have 16 diapers to change and 12 feedings to give. Four diaper changings and three feedings apiece is not an inordinate amount of care over a long day from the babies' point of view.

But think about the care giver's day: Four hours to feed the babies (4 babies X 3 feedings X 20 minutes), two hours and 40 minutes to change them (4 babies X 4 changes X 10 minutes). If you allow an extra two and a half minutes at each changing to put them down, clean up the area, and thoroughly wash your hands, you can get by with 40 minutes for sanitizing (4 babies X 4 changes X 2 1/2 minutes). (And if you think about thoroughly washing your hands 16 times a day, you may begin to understand why epidemics of diarrhea and related diseases regularly sweep through infant-care centers.)

That makes seven hours and 20 minutes of the day spent just on physical care (4 hours feeding + 2 hours 40 minutes changing + 40 minutes sanitizing)--if you're lucky and the infants stay conveniently on schedule. Obviously, such a schedule is not realistic. In group infant care based on even this four-to-one ratio, babies will not be changed every two hours and they will probably not be held while they're fed.

Toddlers in Daycare:

While older preschoolers in day care require somewhat less maintenance, they also get crowded into larger groups—typically from eight to 15 youngsters per adult. The average toddler makes 20-35 overtures an hour to his primary caretaker, according to studies. A day care worker responsible for 10 toddlers would thus be faced with an overture* every 15 seconds. Obviously most will be ignored or bluntly cut off. The assistance, praise, rule-teaching, discipline, and reinforcement that one- to three-years-olds need will often be unavailable.

There are numerous studies indicating all sorts of things about children that are in day care and they are not made up (pros and cons). There is a reason why some day cares simply will not take a baby before 6 months. Did it even enter my mind before having a child that he would not be hugged and kissed enough in daycare. No, not really. All I saw, was my gorgeous baby and he was the center of my universe. How could he not be someone else's, right? Now I know things like: Attachment parenting is not really a good choice if your child will be in day care (LOL) and my provider has seen tons of babies and mine is one of many. Now I know, she may not like his name, his smell, his habits, his hair color or he may remind her of another child that presented her problems in the past. Yes, providers are ideally not supposed to show preference and (some) may indeed do their best, but human nature makes this hard. Luckily, we have the choice of finding a new situation where we will get what we are looking for.


So I think I have said enough I hope you and your son are in a new situation where you are (both) getting your needs met and he is very happy toddler

[Blackcat31]

Well said "unregistered user!" That was the point I was trying to make. We are human and most of us are also mothers too so...


You obviously have some valuable insight and advice to offer...can I suggest that you join the forum and become a member?

[DCMomOf3]

Well said "unregistered user!" That was the point I was trying to make. We are human and most of us are also mothers too so...


You obviously have some valuable insight and advice to offer...can I suggest that you join the forum and become a member?

I was going to suggest the same Blackcat. I would love you to be a formal member of the forum. You have some great insights and perspective.

[MommyMuffin]

I have a 17m dcb in my care and I have to say, I think that age is the hardest. He is always following me around and wants to be held all the time. I play with him, carry him and love him. But I do not do this the whole day because I have others that need my attention.

I do think that your child should have adult interaction, love and attention but also I agree with others that if you are looking for "individual care" then a nanny would be the best.

Nannies are expensive but when looking at centers and home daycare the reality is that we are caring for multiple children and your child isnt the only one...the provider only has 2 hands.

Maybe offer grandma lots of money!!

[QualiTcare]

i'm gonna start agreeing with myself as unregistered more often then i won't get in trouble for being mean to new people.

just kidding - i'm totally not unregistered.

[Unregistered]

I was going to suggest the same Blackcat. I would love you to be a formal member of the forum. You have some great insights and perspective.

Thank you to you both.

The irony of all of this is that I did not even go to this site. My sister was over a few days ago with her new 6 week old baby boy. I took a half day and told my sister to come over for lunch. After lunch, I gave her a new Mom gift and surprised her with the news that I was taking her sweet baby boy and my boys to the mall and leaving her to sleep, read or do whatever she would like. I will never forget what it was like being a new exhausted first-time Mom, how a close friend did the same thing for me and how grateful I was at the time. That evening when I sat down on the computer this this site was up, along with the "newbie" question and I started reading. My sister brought me to this site.

"Newbie" struck a chord with me as I remember being that first time parent with a child in day care and instinctively, I responded with my experience. I had no idea it would be taken the way it had. I did not dissagree with the poster at all but rather explained my own experience with my boys and types of childcare, what that experience taught me about child care (day care or other) both positive and not so positive but nonetheless true. I thought I could help explain why her son was not being held. Never did I say he should not be held. I have re-read my response and still do not understand how "I passed judgement", who I passed it on or how I was "self-righteous"?

So here I am still (day 3 or so (LOL)) and I got here accidentally. For some reason, I can't leave! I have put a kink in my routine in order to read more . I wish I knew about this site 4 or so years ago!! I have read some very interesting things, informative things and some unbelievable things, as well. I really admire those of you who have chosen to be childcare providers and will always be a strong advocate for you and support your profession. Your job is so difficult for so many reasons (we could write a book on this i'm sure). I cannot believe some of the posts I have read from parents regarding their "issues" with their day care. Yes, some are absolutely legit and there are daycares/providers out there that should not exist. The threads that go on forever with complaints about some minor item (that is a daycare policy for the good of the WHOLE DAYCARE), or parents that don't think they should pay for holidays, vacations, when they are sick, etc. etc. . . . are so shocking to me!!! Not paying your childcare provider some basic benefits (that these people receive at their job) SHOULD NOT be a debatable topic. Does it make sense for a parent to say a child is the most important thing to them, have sky-high expectations of performance of their provider and then show disrespect to that same person by ignoring policies, arguing over paying this/that, not paying on time (or sometimes at all!!!) or wanting to rally together (for something or other). I want to keep the person that takes care of my child as happy as possible since THEY TAKE CARE OF MY CHILD.

I guess if it is now normal for parents to complain about the things I mentioned above, while leaving their child in the care of the person for 10-11 hours per day, My saying that my children come first, that parenting is my job and sacrifice is a part of parenting just may make me seem "self-righteous" to some.

[Unregistered]

One more thing . . . I will remain unregistered and make my exit. Only because I am not really sure I belong here. I am not a provider and am not sure I would fit in well with most of the parents. So far what I have said has not been very well received . . . Thanks,6 I have enjoyed this site.

[jen]

Noooooo!!!! Stay!!!! Really, please...I didn't chime in much...so unlike me, but really you said it all!

[QualiTcare]

stay!!

it's true that most members on this site are daycare providers. however, MOST of them are also parents. i was a parent before i was a provider. i'm no longer a provider, but i'm still a parent. i think it's great to have parent's points of view (non daycare providers) to balance things out now and then.

i think i have a "unique" perspective on things (some would say disagreeable - i.e. this thread) because my own children went to daycare so i have that perspective, i worked in daycare centers (including the one my own children attended), i observed dozens of early childhood settings as part of my course requirements for an early childhood degree, AND i operated a home daycare so i definitely have the provider's perspective as well.

i think being a daycare PARENT helped me to be a much better daycare provider and as i mentioned before gave me a unique view on things. i DID "sacrifice" a lot to have my children in daycare - for me it wasn't sacrificing a SUV to have them in a center vs. hiring a nanny, but more like i sacrificed driving a nice car so that i could afford a daycare center while i went to school.

point being- everyone here has a different experience. of course, most members are providers and have a lot in common, but as i said - most of us are also mothers (and fathers - michael) so we have that in common as well. you don't have to agree with everyone in order to "fit in" - TRUST ME on that one - not that i fit in!