In Need Of Advice On Testy Toddler...Ugh!

[JennyBear]

This may be a little long since there is a lot to say in order for everyone to give me the best advice, so sorry if it's long...

Our daughter is 2 years 7 months old. I started a home daycare when she was 18 months and she's had a bit of trouble getting adjusted (sharing, waking up at 7ish, etc)...she has seemed to outgrow some of the difficulties we have once faced but now we're playing a whole different ballgame
I'll try and write the following in point form so it's to the point. Our daughter is...

-Barely sleeping at night. Having bad dreams & waking up angry and disoriented. We cannot seem to do anything right when this happens. Also seems to be waking up randomly and fussing/crying. She will wake up to go pee (sometimes) so we don't want to ignore her all night in case she really needs us. Naps from 1-3 but really needs us. thought we might cut nap to 1 hour but fear she might be worse. (p.s if we tell her we will only go in if she has to pee- she will tell us that she has to go just to get us in there)

-Major temper tantrums - everything....EVERYTHING is a battle with her. We can't do anything right (she wants something, we get it for her...then she freaks and doesn't want it or we will go help her when she cries out at night and says "I don't want you" and swats at us...then when we go to leave she freaks b/c we left???- We don't know what's right anymore!
We're getting much better at ignoring her completely when she get's like this but don't know if were making it worse or not. When she get's totally out of hand we put her in her room to calm down, but we read that doing that will give her a feeling of isolation and create a poor relationship with us and won't open up to us as she get's older. What do we do when she has a temper tantrum and where do we put her?

-she just doesn't seem to listen. Period. She now tests everything we say/do but it seems to be much more extreme then other children her age that we know. What do we do? Do we tell her our expectations once and if she doesn't comply she gets automatic time out? If that's the case, she will likely live in T/O forever! (she doesn't seemed fazed out by T/O at all - we've been religiously doing T/0 since she was about 19 months or so and she doesn't seem to really care or it doesn't affect her - she's actually gotten to the point where she won't actually sit in t/o - she stand in the general area and screams and says "I'm ready to listen" which is complete BS

There is so much more and so many more examples I can give you but we would literally be here for days. Basically, we find her to be out of control. She is a super emotional child. She expects us to do everything for her (she won't even try to dress herself and almost has no clue b/c it's a huge battle)

Do we make her do everything herself? (that we know she can or that she should be trying) or do we just do it for her?
When she has a tempertantrum - where do we put her? and do we ignore her and for how long? (sometimes she won't calm down for about 30 minutes or so).
What expectations can we have of her? are we expecting too much? are we too hard on her? Are we not hard enough?
Do we go in at night? if so, how do we handle her moods and being saucy?

Ugh..we are just at a loss..We seriously don't know what we're doing wrong - we're obviously feeding into it somehow and it's getting extreme so we need some serious advice!:confused:

Thanks!

[Blackcat31]

First off....(((hugs)))) for dealing with this and trying to do what you think is right as well as seek out some advice for the things you are at a loss for. I KNOW first hand that a temperamental and stubborn two year old is draining and emotionally hard to deal with. (I had one too...)

First...this is only my opinion and what worked for us (my DH and I) when my son was about 19 months to 4 years old.

I honestly think the first thing you need to do is stop worrying about if this or that method is right or wrong and simply focus on making sure her physical needs are met first and foremost....after that, the tough part comes.

If she has no issues with needing to be fed, toileted or isnt in pain then what I would do is get my "mean mommy" voice/stance going and teach this stubborn little one who is in charge in your household.

I think sending her to her room when she acts out IS developmentally appropriate. I think you are teaching her that is she cannot behave in a socially acceptable manner then she cannot be in the presence of others and needs to go to her room. She needs to know she isn't going to get attention for her bad behaviors.

Right now, you (and your DH) seem to be stressing about her behaviors and don't think she doesn't know that....2 year olds are pretty darn smart.

I think that you really need some tough love to be going on. If she won't sit in a T/O chair, then her room works fine too....just any place where she doesn't have an audience for her behavior. When she is done having a fit (or complies with whatever you asked her to do) then let her come out....even if it was only a minute or even if it takes 20 minutes.

She can come out and be with others when she acts appropriately. Let HER decide how long, since she is the one in charge of her emotions and feelings. She has to be the one in control of that as they are HER feelings and no one can truly control another persons feelings or frustrations.

If you want to talk with her about it later, then I think that is great but I wouldn't try talking with her at all while she is tantrumming or having attitiude. I would casually bring things up when she is riding in the car or just chatting away with you.

As far as the bedtime stuff and getting up, why not fulfill her needs (toileting, drinks, hugs/kisses etc) BEFORE she lies down. IF she starts saying she has to pee, I would ignore her if you KNOW she just went. Don't let he use that as a means to control you...which she has clearly figured out she can do.

You said a couple of really key things: You said "She wants something, we get it for her..." I would stop that altogether. You are not her sole source of fulfillment. She CAN help herself but isn't becuase you are doing it for her. Let her dress herself...if she refuses, she can stay in her room until she gets dressed,. If you need to go somewhere, take her in her in her PJ's.....add a jacket if it is cold but don't just dress her yourself...because that is exactly what she is expecting you to do.

If she wakes in the middle of the night (which is common at this age) I would go in and sit quietly off to the side and just let her know you are there but I wouldn't ask her what is wrong or if she needs anything because relaly she nneds to learn to put herself back to sleep and getting her a drink or something is just setting her and yourselves up for future needs in the middle of the night. I would go in and just be there until she goes back to sleep. I would NOT allow her to have anything....just you present.

Honestly, this is a tough one and I really think that it is more of a control thing than anything. Your DD needs to realize that some thing sin life are non-negotiable and some things just must be done whether she like it or not.

She may spend a good portion of the day in her room but that isn't because YOU made her, it is because SHE choose to not listen and that means staying in her room. She will learn soon enough that other people don't like to be around her when she acts so badly so she will figure out that in order to be in the presence of others and to partake in all the fun stuff and the social activity, the SHE must behave and listen.

I bought a book when my DS was your DD's age and I read it cover to cover....BEST advice I ever got! The book was called Parent Power. the author is John Rosemond and he has an entire collection of parenting books that were a life saver during my children's early and teen years.

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/parent-power-and-the-six-point-plan-john-rosemond/1024197842?ean=9780740714153

TOTALLY worth checking out as it is written in sections based on specific years of age and the problems that go with that age. It is tough love at it's finest.

HTH

[sharlan]

"Barely sleeping at night. Having bad dreams & waking up angry and disoriented"

That sounds like night terrors to me.

[JennyBear]

Thanks Blackcat....great advice! I know we have been feeding into her tantrums to a point which I think is confusing her. We're just so torn....some people say "pick your battles" and others say no way! Rules are rules! Generally my DH and I are rules people and have worked so hard up until this point on enforcing - sometimes I think we scare ourselves and question if we're too hard and doing more damage.

Well today is a new day for us and were going to buck up and NOT cave. Your absolutely right....if we help her, then she will continue to expect it. She NEEDS to do things for herself and if she doesn't, there is no reason why she can't stay in her room until she's done. I think it's going to be a LONG week or so since our daughter is very stubborn but I know once she gets it, things will calm down.

We wonder if she's having night terrors....but uncertain. Something I'll talk to the doctor about in 3 weeks when we go.

Were going to try the sitting in her room thing and see what happens...now, what if we go in and sit there and she starts her usual, " I don't want you!". Knowing that she will flip if we get up and leave, do we do it anyways? How would you handle that situation?

Thanks for the book info -definitely worth looking into!

[Blackcat31]

We wonder if she's having night terrors....but uncertain. Something I'll talk to the doctor about in 3 weeks when we go.

Were going to try the sitting in her room thing and see what happens...now, what if we go in and sit there and she starts her usual, " I don't want you!". Knowing that she will flip if we get up and leave, do we do it anyways? How would you handle that situation?

Thanks for the book info -definitely worth looking into!

I would go in there and sit anyways. If she says she doesn't want you, I would just keep saying "It's ok, I'll leave when I know you are ok". Then if she keeps screaming, I would just sit there. If it gets too bad, I would maybe leave and just let her be.

I would NOT touch her or attempt to soothe her though if she doesn't want you too. Sometimes just sitting and being present is enough.

I doubt she is fully awake but still needs to be reassured that you are available for her.

I would also mention it to the doctor too as you plan because they can really be helpful in explaining what you should and shouldn't do.

Yes, the book is definitely worth a look anyways....great ideas and tips on how to take back control.

[Heidi]

Everything BlackCat said and...

STOP FEELING GUILTY!!!!!!!!!

You are a GOOD parent who cares enough about her child to teach her right from wrong!

[JennyBear]

Thanks!!

Time for some tough love,

[daycare]

my son hardly sleeps at night and does not nap during the day, has been this way since birth. I used to feel guilty by it, but not anymore.

You need to do what works.....as long as it's not abusive, you need to find what works for you and your child and stick to that routine

when my son was about 2-3.5 we sent him to his room when he had melt downs. I give him some space to cool down and let him be. Usually a few minutes later he would come out and act as if nothing happened, or sometimes I would have to go in after a few minutes passed to reassure him he would be ok.

Now he is almost 5 and he walks to his room on his own when he is about to or has melted down, takes a breather and comes back out of his room. He is one of the most happiest kids most anyone has ever met. I think removing his audience for his melt down's have worked wonders.

another thing, don't worry about what every other child does, or what the articles say. We know our children best. and don't stress.

like you mentioned, sometimes tough love is necessary for everyone to be happy in the end..........

[momofsix]

I agree with Blackcat too
I just wanted to remind you to not be so hard on yourself. This is part of being a parent Your daughter is doing normal things to test you! You're doing your job by recognizing what's happening and getting the help and support you need.
happyfacehappyface Good for you!happyfacehappyface

[Willow]

[QUOTE=JennyBear;261188] sometimes I think we scare ourselves and question if we're too hard and doing more damage.

I agree with the others, you're not at all being too hard, sounds like you're definitely not being hard enough!!!

Were going to try the sitting in her room thing and see what happens...now, what if we go in and sit there and she starts her usual, " I don't want you!". Knowing that she will flip if we get up and leave, do we do it anyways? How would you handle that situation?

Don't sit there.

Right now this has all turned into a game to her. She knows she's got full control of your heartstrings. She knows you're questioning your parenting and you're worried about what her. If she pushes hard enough you'll cave because you couldn't possibly be "mean" to her for long.

You simply tell her with zero emotion in your voice that the way she's acting is unacceptable and you refuse to tolerate it. Then walk away.

If she hollers, ignore her. If she runs after you you pick her up and put her back...again and again and again if need be. No emotion, and you absolutely must NOT give in until you gain compliance.

She gets no more of your attention, positive or negative, until she gets a grip, accepts the consequence you've handed her and acts the way you expect her to. Let her buck all she wants, she has the key to get out of the messes she creates. Remember her staying in the chaos is HER choice. YOU however, don't need to take part in the drama she's perpetuating.

As soon as you do that's her regaining control of the situation and it all becomes a game again. Toddlers in complete control are never happy.

[JennyBear]

Thanks thanks thanks for the great support and tips. We have firmed up and not fed into anything the past 2 days and so far were doing great! (knock on wood!) if she has fussed at all it's been super mild and super short....I think it's reassuring that we're not the only ones going through this and it's perfectly normal!

Thanks again so much! It's awesome to feel supported!

[Blackcat31]

Thanks thanks thanks for the great support and tips. We have firmed up and not fed into anything the past 2 days and so far were doing great! (knock on wood!) if she has fussed at all it's been super mild and super short....I think it's reassuring that we're not the only ones going through this and it's perfectly normal!

Thanks again so much! It's awesome to feel supported!

That is awesome that you are seeing progress in such a short amount of time already. Just goes to show you that everyone needs a dose of tough love once in a while.

Hopefully she is learning from this and you will feel comfy enough to begin rewarding her now and then for being such a big girl