2 Year Old Advice Please!!

[JennyBear]

Hi Everyone,

I have recently started up my own home daycare business. I also have a daughter who will be 2 in late December. My 2 year old has been acting out big time. I think the cause of her behaving this way is due to jealousy from now having to share her mom, and just going through that "terrible two" faze.
I'll list her behaviors and hopefully you guys can give me some feedback on what to do:
- She is pulling hair, pushing and pulling clothes of the daycare kids (one in particular). Sometime this is provoked but often it's a sudden act my daughter has decided to start doing. My husband and I feel that she does this to get attention, of any sort. We put her in time out, but I think she likes the fact that she just gained our attention even if it was negative.Time outs don't really seem to be working. Any other suggestions?
-Our daughter will not sleep through the night. She has a soother when she sleeps. When she wakes up and cannot find her soother she cries until we go in and find it, and give it to her. L
ast night we tried letting her cry it out, and after 2 hours of constant crying and yelling at 2am my husband and I caved, bickered at each other under the stress and now we are all exhausted and feel like complete failures. We have no clue what to do with this situation. Do we continue to go in every night (sometimes up to 8 times) and give her the soother? or do we spend this coming weekend (which is our long thanksgiving weekend) to break the habit and let her cry each night until she exhausts her self to break this habit? PLEASE HELP!

-she has become a picky eater. Unless it's crap she won't eat it. I feel that she needs to eat what is offered to her and if she chooses not to it it then she can go hungry until the next meal. Is this what we should be doing? any other suggestions?
-Our daughter will also do things like throw her plate, refuse food, and have tantrums when we say no or something doesn't go her way (or even if she is tired). We are thinking of doing a behavior chart but were not sure if she's too young and what the reward should be and under what circumstance.

I am so stressed out right now about everything, and it doesn't help that I'm functioning off of about 1 hour of sleep. I'm so worried that were failing and becoming the parents that cave just because it's easy. Our daughter can be very well behaved and uses "please" and "thank you" a lot. We give her a lot of praise (probably so much that now she expects it ) and when I praise a daycare kid she doesn't like it.
We're both willing to do whatever it takes, we just need the guidance. Any information and ideas are very much appreciated.
Thanks so much!

[Michael]

I know we have some threads on this exact topic but I am having a hard time finding them. Here are some: https://daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31253

https://daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=29955

[daycare]

I am no expert, but when my son was brought into the daycare he also acted that way. Even sometimes today he still has issues with sharing mommy and he is 4.

What is your schedule like? what is your set up like?

To help my son through the process of accepting DC, I created a small play area that was just for him. No DCK allowed. He has special toys that only he can play with as long as they are in his area. If he decideds to take his "special toys" into the play room then it becomes free range to all of the kids.
I also lay my son down an hour later than the rest of the kids at nap time. This gives him and I the chance to play and read books, even sometimes a special show or snack.
When parents arrive at pick up, I sometimes still have to pick him up and hold him so that he will not try to demand my attention. Or I will pull out a special basket of toys that can only be played with when parents arrive for pick up.
We have also recently started gettin up an hour before daycare starts for some cuddle time, this way when the kids start arriving he does not feel so left out.

think about it this way. YOur child did not ask for you to do DC, you made that decision for your child. It's not fair that they would have to be under dayare rules for the entire time that you operate. In my case it would be 14 hours a day, which is a long day for me, even longer day for him. This is why I give him special that I don't give the other kids.

As for the soother, it's gonna take more than a few days, I would say about 3 weeks to a month. You are just going to have to put up with all that comes with it.

I look at it like this. You cut corners at some point you are eventually going to have to go through and do all of the work, if not more. Hope that made sense.

Maybe you and your husband can make an agreement to use the same exact method of how you will help her through the soothing stage. Also take nightly turns.

Example, you will not make eye contact, go into the childs room, say no words and put her back in her bed. Leave the room. Maybe not exactly this, just come up with a plan.

best of luck to you and your family. I hope I was some what helpful

[iheartkids]

This is exactly where I would start as a parent...I would start weaning her off the soother. It's obviously causing more turmoil thru the night than restful sleep. Spend the time doing that, it will not be easy and her behaviour may get worse. But you will be amazed at how much a child's behaviour changes when they are getting GOOD sleep. In the meantime, when you put her in timeout don't say anything or give any reaction. Even when you say "don't do that!" you are giving them attention. Just place her in timeout and walk away. When she gets up put her back and walk away again (I learned this from Nanny 911 and it does work!). Also, when she does something wrong do you scoop her up on your hip when you talk to her? My friend did this everytime her 2 year old hurt someone, she would pick him UP to talk to him and tell him no. And sometimes would just hold him for awhile to keep him from getting into trouble. Well guess what? He learned he got "affection" from her when she did this and she had a really hard time breaking herself of doing it.
She is totally at that age where the world revolves around her and if you didn't see it when doing daycare you would see it when you would get together with friends and their kids or family. It's just since you have children in your home everyday you are experiencing it 10x worse than the average parent.
One more bit of advice as you are dealing with this...the other kids will also start feeding off of this and they will start instigating things to get her in trouble. That was the hardest thing as a teacher/parent when my DD went to my center. The other kids got a kick out of seeing her get in trouble so they would tattle on her A LOT and do things to her that they knew would set her off. Another reason why you should make time outs less dramatic and not react to her behaviour. It will be hard to keep from gasping or showing anger on your face when you see her hurt someone but believe me, staying CALM and firm will help you.

[laundrymom]

I usually stay on the provider forum but wanted to send you a hug. It's hard, frustrating and scary sometimes. Being a parent. Hang in there,... Breathe slow and remember,.... You will get thru this.

[cheerfuldom]

Its tough having your own kids in with the daycare. I have three, totally been where you are. Here's my tips:

1. Go cold turkey on the soothers. Throw them all out right now so you don't cave and offer it at a stressful moment. You and your child have to find coping skills other than the soother. It is just going to get harder the longer you wait to do this. There are some kids who willingly give it up at a certain age but don't count on that....it is the rare exception, not the rule

2. strongly agree with giving your daughter her own space away from the daycare kids. don't make all her toys the daycare toys. she's not going to understand her things being freely given to the other kids. if you can, separate daycare areas from your regular living areas.

3. no reward chart. she's too young and she won't care about it. she needs immediate consequences (good or bad) for her actions and a chart is too advanced for her age (she's a younger 2 year old right?)

4. sit down with your DH and come up with a plan for her behaviors. consistency is the key! do not start the binky weaning or anything else until you are in 100% with the plan.

5. my middle daughter was BAD and did everything you are describing and more. it was definitely attention based. the main thing I did was to anticipate her behaviors. don't wait till you see something to address it. if she is getting rowdy, require her to sit with a quiet activity. if she misbehaves during certain times (mine was really bad every time i was busy changing a diaper) then give her a specific activity or instruction BEFORE you do to change the diaper. if she is pulling hair, move her to another area of the room and go about your day. no attention for bad behavior outside of stopping the behavior. no long explanations, short simple instructions only.

6. eating....stop letting it be a battle. offer healthy options (don't cave and do junk food only!) and if she doesn't want it, she will get even more hungry for the next meal. as soon as the food throwing happens, the meal is over. take her down, make her go play and calmly put the food away and try again later. as for tantrums, i make sure that kids are not hurting themselves or others and then i just go about my day and ignore it. if it is escalating and getting crazy, i move them into a pack n play or "cry corner", don't say anything and don't come back till they stop. this is very effective here. we rarely have any tantrums and this worked great for my wild child. now she starts to cry and I ask her if she needs to chill out in her room and she stops crying, says no and we go about our day. Its not a punishment so much as a place for them to do their thing, not get any attention and quickly see that it really is not worth it.

[JennyBear]

Thank you all so much for your advice! Today has been a very rough day for myself and my daughter. She has been non stop. After reading all of your posts I just have a few questions:

1. When she has a tantrum and I put her in her room to calm down, sometimes she will freak for ever! Do I just leave her in there until she calms down? (what if she is freaking for over an hour, or even two??)

2. I like the idea of giving her her own space and toys to play with during daycare hours. We have a family room in the basement with a seperate play area and toys for her but we don't often go down there. The daycare is on the main floor. My daycare area isn't that big (average size living room area). How would you suggest I make her own space in there? (playpen, gated area?) and how would I introduce it to her?

3. My mom suggested that maybe I give her too much attention (ie. Let her sit on my lap during the day, have special time with her during the day) that she thinks maybe now my daughter just expects it and when she can't have it she acts out. Any views on this??

4. I know you all suggest putting her in time out without saying anything, but once her time is up do we say anything then? (We currently explain simply why she was there and that "what she did" was not okay). Often, once she gets out of time out she will instantly repeat the behaviour or even step it up a notch. Do we just turn around and keep putting her in time out?

I think that's all for now Thank you all again so much!

[cheerfuldom]

1. leave her as long as it takes. my daughter would go at it for up to 3 hours! screaming and acting crazy. if she started kicking or throwing, I would calmly come in, not say anything, put her in an empty pack n play and leave the room. Took about 3 weeks consistency and we are down to maybe 1 tantrum a week.

2. can you move the daycare playroom to the basement since you aren't using your family room anyway? either way, you can gate off a small portion of a play area for her or allow her to go into her room alone to play if she needs space. you could also put her at the table to color or do other activities if she needs space. don't feel that she has to do everything the daycare kids are doing.

3. your mom is right...sort of. your daughter has never had to share you and now she does and she needs the time to get used to that idea. there is nothing wrong with reading together and whatever else you were formerly doing but it is not reasonable to expect that same amount of one-on-one time to be available now that you have a daycare. try and carve out small times for just the two of you. put everyone to bed first and you two read books for 15 min. before her nap, stuff like that.

4. well I don't have a time out really, no official time limit. i do have a "cry corner" meaning that anyone who is misbehaving or having a tantrum goes there till they are ready to change their behavior. i have had a few stubborn kids that will sit there for awhile but normal it is just 30 seconds or a minute. they can come out whenever they are ready to behave and are sent back there if they can't behave. again, short and sweet on any explanation. "you cannot hit, you can come play dolls whenever you are ready to play nicely" so in a nutshell, yes she can be separated immediately if she is still breaking the rules.

I know all this is really hard. You are basically forced to be 100% on top of your kid's behavior because she is now in daycare too, whether she likes it or not. she has to transition to group care. the stuff that was formerly okay with just her and mommy is no longer okay with her and mommy and half a dozen other kids.

[Unregistered]

Just a thought

If you can afford to, try putting your daughter into daycare with some one else a few days a week. She will transition into group care if "mom" isn't around. It is good for children to get use to having another authority figure. Once she learns the ropes under tthe care of another provider she will cope better at home. It is very hard to treat your own child as just another one of the children, but to make it work you really have to. No special treatment, food etc. Try having some one on one time together when the other children are napping. If she knows her "mommy time" is set a certain time in the schedule it may help her to transition. Reward any good days with a special book read together when the daycare children clear out. Keep it within eyesight and remind her it's there for later. Just a few suggestions, I have run a HDC for 22 years and my kids grew up in it. Hang in there it can be done!

[JennyBear]

Thanks again for these ideas and support. We will be making some positive changes here in our home to hopefully help with these issues.

[Jewels]

First off I completly disagree with the person who said to send her to another daycare, that's not right, your staying home and doing daycare to be with your daughter, not send her somewhere else, being in another daycare would not help her at home, But I'm sure you didn't even blink at that post, since you want your daughter home with you.

Your doing the right thing at meals, She will eat if shes hungry and if she doesn't she will have a chance at the next meal, I personally have never had battles during meals, If kids don't want to eat they don't have to, and if they want seconds of something everything else needs to be eaten first.

I agree with cheerfuldom that the soothers should go cold turkey, anything else just draws it out and makes it harder. Take em away, she'll cry less everynight, and It really does only take a few days before she will get used to not having it, and find another way, replace it will a special blankie or doll, I know its hard to listen to the crying, but shes not hurt, she might cry so hard she pukes, and then you have to clean it, It ****s, but she'll get over it, and then she'll be sleeping so much better, It seems like now shes waking up so much at night with the soother, shes just making herself more tired and irritable during the day, which makes her more clingy, if she sleeps better, she;ll be better. I recommend a video monitor to check on her, so you can just look in on her on the TV vs going in her bedroom and riling her up more, I had to let my DS cry at one point when he was little, and he would get even worse when I went in the every five minutes or ten. My kids have their rooms here at my care, that they don't have to let anyone else into, all their things in there are theirs to control, they don't have to share or let anyone in their rooms. It will get better, My 2 yr old daughter is being a little troublesome for me right now, shes not very nice, been throwing some tantrums, and at times can be extremely clingy and wanting to be held alot, where I'm having to tell her no and shes clinging to my legs, fun stufff

[JennyBear]

good news!

I am happy to report that we have been soother free for 6 nights!!! The soother is HISTORY! YIPPY!
She is crying/yelling when we put her to bed but this has gotten better. She now only does this for maybe 5 minutes. Then puts herself back to bed (because she stands at her door crying) and zonks out. Her days are a bit better too!!
I'm really focusing on catching her doing good things and sharing which is helping and I have increased her outside time.

So far things are looking better! Here's hoping this continues!

[Heidi]

Yeah! very happy for you both....

[Unregistered]

time out

put her in time out and pop her but (1 minute per age if cring put her in till she stops then start her time)

[HelenS1985]

2 Year Old Advice Please

I sympathize. My daughter panics, too, if any part of her head goes under water. Makes it very difficult to rinse her hair off Interestingly, my son who is not even a year yet reacts much better to it. Last time I gave them a bath together, I think my daughter noticed that her brother was calm and didnt get water in his eyes, and was slightly less panicky herself. Maybe you could take your daughter swimming in a pool or something, and show her an example of being calmly dunked? Make a game out of it or something.

AJ