Need Some Reassurance! I Just Hit Send!!!

[blessedmess8]

Just hit the send button on a lengthy e-mail to a DCM. I've had her 10 month old son since he was 8 weeks old. For the past 4-5 months I've been dealing with his constant crying. I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING imagineable! He screams at me the majority of the day!

I didn't terminate him. It was more of a "warning." I asked for her help in figuring out what to do for him, but let her know I can't go on this way much longer. It just isn't fair to anyone, her son included.

I'm so worried! I've never, ever dealt with this type of situation. Dropping a child for this reason seems so foreign to me. I really do love him, but he is making me crazy and making me dislike my job! I keep readin over and over again on here providers advising to let go of the kids/families who make you feel that way. I have to face these people, though, as I live in a small town and our older children are in the same grade!

I'm just soooo anxious over this whole sItuation! There doesn't seem to be an easy answer!!!

[MommyMuffin]

I would talk to her in person, however uncomfortable that will be. A baby who cries all day is not a happy baby. I recently termed an infant for the same situation. I liked her, I tried to make her happy, it didnt work. She left to find another provider and she is my neighbor and I just smile and say hello when I see them.

[blessedmess8]

I talked to her some Friday and I told her I'd like to have a meeting with her. We both just have crazy schedules right now in the evenings with our older kids and she is one of those who just can't take off work. In the email I just asked for her help and for suggestions, but let her know that if we couldn't figure it out, I would have to let him go, as much as I hate to!

[laundrymom]

You did the right thing. (((()))) take a deep breath, hold it in and let it out slow. I think you handled it great. It's not fair to anyone having him cry all the time. It will be ok.

[MG&Lsmom]

You did the right thing. (((()))) take a deep breath, hold it in and let it out slow. I think you handled it great. It's not fair to anyone having him cry all the time. It will be ok.

I totally agree!

[Michael]

Screams All Day - Notification Email to Parents

Just hit the send button on a lengthy e-mail to a DCM. I've had her 10 month old son since he was 8 weeks old. For the past 4-5 months I've been dealing with his constant crying. I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING imagineable! He screams at me the majority of the day!

I didn't terminate him. It was more of a "warning." I asked for her help in figuring out what to do for him, but let her know I can't go on this way much longer. It just isn't fair to anyone, her son included.

I'm so worried! I've never, ever dealt with this type of situation. Dropping a child for this reason seems so foreign to me. I really do love him, but he is making me crazy and making me dislike my job! I keep readin over and over again on here providers advising to let go of the kids/families who make you feel that way. I have to face these people, though, as I live in a small town and our older children are in the same grade!

I'm just soooo anxious over this whole sItuation! There doesn't seem to be an easy answer!!!

Would love to see what you wrote. Can you post without names, etc?

[blessedmess8]

Would love to see what you wrote. Can you post without names, etc?

{DCM},

I'd like for you and I to set up a meeting and talk. I know that's next to impossible for both of us right now, as much as we have going on, though.
Let me start by saying I LOVE {DCB}! I think he is a sweet, smart little boy! But, I have to also say that he is very high maintenance! Which is not "bad." I think all my kids were a little high maintenance, too! However, It is hard with as many other kids as I have! Things started getting difficult after your surgery and I thought maybe he had gotten used to being held all the time and it would pass! So, for the past 4+ months I've been holding out, thinking it will get better!

I've dealt with criers before and I've done all the things I can think of to make things better for him! I know bonding with the kids is key and I feel like that's something I do pretty well with. I hold and cuddle them all as much as possible! But, for some reason, DCB still cries the majority of the day until after his afternoon nap. There are points in time when he is happy and plays well, but it is usually short lived. It feels like about 75% of the day he is screaming at me if I don't hold him! And, I used to use the carrier and wrap a lot, but he's just so heavy now! It's bad enough that if he is not crying the other kids say, "Look! DCB's happy!!" I think he would be okay if I was able to hip him most of the day and pay most of my attention to him. However, I just CAN'T! And, he breaks my heart when he cries like that! For the past couple of weeks I've been just letting him cry some (which is NOT something I like to do or really believe in at this age!!) To see if he will get used to not being held and calm down. It just seems like nothing works!! And, as you can imagine, my nerves stay shot most of the time, which is one thing. But it is having a negative impact on how I care for the other children. I am not able to give them the attention they equally deserve or fully carry out my lesson plans.

I don't want you to feel like I am complaining to you or telling you I think you are doing something wrong!! Every child is different and with him being so young, he can't express himself! He may be the type of child who can't tolerate a lot of stimulation, his belly may be hurting, he may be sleepy, or any number of things!! We have no way of telling! So, what I want to do is try to work together and figure it out!! I told you Friday that I was going to try his morning naps in another room. This morning he has already been fussy. I put him down in the other room, but he still just slept 30 minutes and is cranky again! He ate breakfast and the minute I sat him down to clean another child up, he started screaming at me. So, all I can really do, aside from all of us listening to him scream, is just sit and hold him! For example: I held him, he decided he was ready to play and I realized I had to go to the kitchen to get a trash bag. Literally 30 seconds! He started screaming the second I left the room!!

This week I am going to try to get him on a really good schedule and do what I can to make sure he gets a good am nap to see if that helps! I am open to any suggestions you have, too!! I haven't said much to you because like I said, I kept thinking it had to get better soon!! I've just never dealt with this!

I want you to know that I DO NOT want to drop DCB! The thought of him going somewhere else just kills me! But, you have to understand the position I'm in, too. And usually by this point, most babies have adapted, but he just hasn't. So, if we cant' figure out what to do for him, I may have no other choice. As much as I hate to say it, he may be the type of child who just needs one on one care.

So, like I said, I'll try anything to make it work! I'm just running low on ideas here besides what I already mentioned trying. I hope we can work together to figure this out and find out what will work best to make your precious baby boy happy! No one knows him like you do!

If you want to set up a time to meet and talk, all my evenings are booked until this weekend, but I'd be happy to whenever we can sync our schedules! Or e-mail is great, too!

[Blackcat31]

You are a very caring and concerned provider and I give you much kudos for that. Your e-mail was very honest and to the point. I liked that you told the mom all the things you have tried and even though you do not want to lose this dcb, you are not letting go of the fact that everyone needs to do what is best for the child...which just may be one to one care. If mom is REALLY willing to work with you to remedy this situation then that is great but you need to make sure you set a time line so you aren't being forced to continue caring for him longer than you and the other kids could deal with...kwim?

Pyschologically, listening to a screamin gbaby is one of the most stressful things a person can do. For EVERYONE's sake, set a time line to measure his progress. If he is not improving, then do what is best for him, your other dck's and yourself.

Good luck, this little one is very lucky to have you!

[blessedmess8]

You are a very caring and concerned provider and I give you much kudos for that. Your e-mail was very honest and to the point. I liked that you told the mom all the things you have tried and even though you do not want to lose this dcb, you are not letting go of the fact that everyone needs to do what is best for the child...which just may be one to one care. If mom is REALLY willing to work with you to remedy this situation then that is great but you need to make sure you set a time line so you aren't being forced to continue caring for him longer than you and the other kids could deal with...kwim?

Pyschologically, listening to a screamin gbaby is one of the most stressful things a person can do. For EVERYONE's sake, set a time line to measure his progress. If he is not improving, then do what is best for him, your other dck's and yourself.

Good luck, this little one is very lucky to have you!

Awww, thank you very much I think you are right and I will take your advice with regad to setting a timeline. I feel bad because Mom is very upset about the prospect of having to go somewhere else, but thankfully they are understanding. Dad dropped by right before lunch and witnessed the crying first hand. They are going to look in to some things that might be wrong medically (Whch has been my suspision!) So maybe we will be able to work it out! I hope so! But, if not, I'll know I did all I could!

[Blackcat31]

Awww, thank you very much I think you are right and I will take your advice with regad to setting a timeline. I feel bad because Mom is very upset about the prospect of having to go somewhere else, but thankfully they are understanding. Dad dropped by right before lunch and witnessed the crying first hand. They are going to look in to some things that might be wrong medically (Whch has been my suspision!) So maybe we will be able to work it out! I hope so! But, if not, I'll know I did all I could!

That is great! Maybe it will be a simple fix, allegies, ear troubles, whathaveyou, but good that they are willing to look into it.

Regardless of what happens, don't ever feel bad about a relationship just not working out. You and the parents and even the child can all have the best intentions and sometimes, it just is what it is and not a good fit. He could be the best kid ever to a caregiver and you could be the best caregiver in the world and sometimes it just simply doesn't work. I know that is sad but it is what it is. It doesn;t mean you have failed or that the parents failed or there is anything wrong with the child.

Peanut butter is one of my favorite foods. So is tuna fish but they just don't go together.....ya know?

Still I really hope that something changes for you and in a perfect world, the family gets to stay and dcb makes a succesful turn around.

[Michael]

Thanks for posting your email. I tagged this thread in case someone in the future is looking for a good sample letter to parents. Your creativity lives on!

[Michelle]

awesome letter! I wish I can find the words the way you do..

[nannyde]

Let us know how it works out.

You know your client, your business, and this baby. You know what's best for everyone and the way to communicate with your client.

I want to caution you about putting things in writing that are this specific. Very often the reaction the parents have when they first hear a possible "NO" coming their way is VERY different than the reaction when the real no comes their way. You can't really test the temperature on their response until they have been given a firm no.

If this doesn't work out and they actually get a termination the contents of this letter could be used against you should they decide to leave before the time you say they are to leave and not pay.

Also.... this is a long shot but... should you ever have a kid that is harmed BEFORE they come to child care and end up either failing or dying on your watch... you do NOT want a letter out there saying that you have had times when you are at wits end and don't know what to do. It's not going to look good for you that you have a history of this kind of emotion.

This line in particular shows your frustration: "And, as you can imagine, my nerves stay shot most of the time, which is one thing. But it is having a negative impact on how I care for the other children."

I get that you are being honest with them but think of it in terms of the future should you ever be accused on harming a child that has been harmed before they were dropped off.

You also gave many examples of his crying. I would have said something more specific like "Little Johnny is happy when he is being held, walked, rocked, and I'm playing directly with him." When he is not being held, walked, rocked, or has an adult playing directly with him he is crying. When I am providing direct care to the other children he is crying.

He does really well when he has his own adult. He does poorly when he does not have his own adult.

See the difference?

You gave them the medical out... that there is something possibly physically wrong with him that is causing this. That may be true but IF they are in the process of apointments you could have a VERY long haul while they try this... and talk to this doc... etc. You could end up with a day to day deal where they are saying to hold on while they talk to so and so. You can also get a lot of "he's fine.. the doc says he's great... so we will try THIS food... or this formula... or this schedule...

You could have a LOT of that to buy time and make this deal really gray every day.

In the end... You have to consider that he just wants his own adult. If there was something physically wrong with him it would be odd that he's fine as long as he's held, walked, rocked, and one to oned.

There's also a chance that with that whole letter... all the !!!! and "i love the boy" that the Mom heard ONE thing... and that is that you may term. Everything else you said to her she already knows... she knows he cries if he doesn't have an adult on him one to one and she expects that you feel this way about the kid.

So you aren't giving her anything she doesn't already know EXCEPT that you may term. Be prepared for THAT to be the only thing she GETS out of this. So if that is the case then her position will be "are you going to keep him or not?"

You said " I feel bad because Mom is very upset about the prospect of having to go somewhere else, but thankfully they are understanding."

They HAVE to be understanding about this today because they need you for day care. After all that LONG specific letter and this is her reaction?

It would make me a little nervous.... I would have preferred a reaction of "I'm so sorry that he has been such a challenge. I don't expect you to hold him and entertain him all day long. If we could afford that we would have hired a Nanny. We want you and the kids to be happy too. We will work on this at home and I'll give my ped a call. This has to change and I know we will have to make changes at home."

[blessedmess8]

Thanks for all that advice, Nannyde. The mom was actually crying at work and they are making an appointment with a new medical provider. This is not a kid that just started, but one I've had since birth almost and these problems haven't always been there. I realize their "understanding" may very well cease if I do terminate him. But, I was sincere in saying I would work with them to figure this out, so I will.
And, documentation is key! Always, always document any marks or bruises they come in with to cover your own booty! Daycare 101!

[cheerfuldom]

I was personally confused by all the exclamation points when discussing something so serious. I also felt that the letter was overally familiar, not professional enough (JMO). I think you need to think about and discuss your specific goals and timelines regarding progress with this boy otherwise the parents can easily buy time (as nanny put it) by agreeing with you (which isn't necessarily productive) and promising something vague like "we're working on it". What goals do you need him to reach in order to stay in your group? What time frame are you putting on this? You just sound like a very caring person and even though you wrote this email, i can just see you getting strung along for months and months with this situation because even though you expressed issues, you weren't specific with what you do expect from him and how quickly you want this resolved.