Bullies, When It Happens To Your Own Child

[daycare]

I have a daughter who is 13 yrs old. She has been the vitcim of being bullied at school and school just started 3 weeks ago.

My daughter was gone the entire summer in egypt and Europe. The night that she came home from her trip (3 days before school started) our house was sabatoged and our cars were vandalized. Police reports were filed and we had to file an insurance claim with our car insurance company. We spent over $2500 for the damages that were done. The events to our house and cars went on for a few days and did not start until the day she came home.

Her so called Best girlfriend is going to school with her this year for the frist time. In past years, the best friend attended private school. My daughter was kind enough to introduce her best friend to a few people from their school before leaving for her trip. The entire summer was super quiet.

As it turns out, the Best girlfriend has been stabbing her in the back all summer and saying very mean things about her to everyone.
Since the first day of school, all of my daughers friends now hate her and her best friend is the one who turned them all aganist her. HOWEVER, the best friend still comes to my house every monring before school and home to my house everyday after school, as the mom is a single parent and does not have anyone to watch her 12 year old daughter.
I was not aware that this was going on between the two of them until this weekend. I knew something was going on with the two girls, but didn't ever think that it was the best friend.

My daughter has been crying herself to sleep every night since school started. I am at witts end with this and don't know what to do. As a mother, it's so hard to sit back and watch your child hurt. What is also hard, is taht this little best friend comes to my house and is nice to me and my duaghter, but then as soon as she gets to school, she flips personalities and becomes the devil going out of her way to be mean. She tares her down infront of others and calls her mean names as all the other girls laugh at her.

I don't know what to do, I have tried to talk to my daughter to help her stop it and it's just not stopping. I don't want to fight her battles for her, but I think that this is just going on too long and has gone too far. I know that my daughter is not all innocent herself and has admitted to talking bad about some of the other girls. but has never gone out of her way to be mean to anyone.

Help what do I do? I can't talk to the mom of the bestfriend, as she is a MAJOR drama queen and I think will only make matters worse. What would you do, what should I say? Should I just leave it and let it pan itself out or do I step in and help stop it.... Do I go to the schoool and let them know the troubles???? No child should ever have to go through this and no child should ever cry themself to sleep at night because someone else is being hurtful. Please give me some advice.....

thanks for reading and thanks for posting...

[sharlan]

I have a daughter who is 13 yrs old. She has been the vitcim of being bullied at school and school just started 3 weeks ago.

My daughter was gone the entire summer in egypt and Europe. The night that she came home from her trip (3 days before school started) our house was sabatoged and our cars were vandalized. Police reports were filed and we had to file an insurance claim with our car insurance company. We spent over $2500 for the damages that were done. The events to our house and cars went on for a few days and did not start until the day she came home.

Her so called Best girlfriend is going to school with her this year for the frist time. In past years, the best friend attended private school. My daughter was kind enough to introduce her best friend to a few people from their school before leaving for her trip. The entire summer was super quiet.

As it turns out, the Best girlfriend has been stabbing her in the back all summer and saying very mean things about her to everyone.
Since the first day of school, all of my daughers friends now hate her and her best friend is the one who turned them all aganist her. HOWEVER, the best friend still comes to my house every monring before school and home to my house everyday after school, as the mom is a single parent and does not have anyone to watch her 12 year old daughter.
I was not aware that this was going on between the two of them until this weekend. I knew something was going on with the two girls, but didn't ever think that it was the best friend.

My daughter has been crying herself to sleep every night since school started. I am at witts end with this and don't know what to do. As a mother, it's so hard to sit back and watch your child hurt. What is also hard, is taht this little best friend comes to my house and is nice to me and my duaghter, but then as soon as she gets to school, she flips personalities and becomes the devil going out of her way to be mean. She tares her down infront of others and calls her mean names as all the other girls laugh at her.

I don't know what to do, I have tried to talk to my daughter to help her stop it and it's just not stopping. I don't want to fight her battles for her, but I think that this is just going on too long and has gone too far. I know that my daughter is not all innocent herself and has admitted to talking bad about some of the other girls. but has never gone out of her way to be mean to anyone.
Help what do I do? I can't talk to the mom of the bestfriend, as she is a MAJOR drama queen and I think will only make matters worse. What would you do, what should I say? Should I just leave it and let it pan itself out or do I step in and help stop it.... Do I go to the schoool and let them know the troubles???? No child should ever have to go through this and no child should ever cry themself to sleep at night because someone else is being hurtful. Please give me some advice.....

thanks for reading and thanks for posting...

BTDT, raising 2 daughters and having a granddaughter.

Jr hi girls are the cruelest, meanest creatures ever created.

Sadly, your dd has brought part of this down on her own head. The other girls know that she "trash talked" about other girls to them, so they're sure that she did it about them, too. Talking bad about someone else is being mean and she needs to realize that it will ALWAYS come back and get her in the end. That's a hard lesson to learn, but a very important one.

Now, that doesn't justify what is going on at all. I would venture to say that there is some jealousy going on - your dd spending the summer in Europe and Egypt. You know something like "Suzy thinks she so hot because she spent the summer in Europe. Suzy thinks she's better than us because she went to Europe."

First of all, get the little back stabber out of your house. Sorry, it's not your problem that mom is a single parent. Your obligation is to your daughter first. Your home is also your daughter's "sanctuary", her safe spot, and her tormentor is being welcomed in with open arms. I say this because "BTDT" with a daycare kid. All you have to do is tell the mom that your are unable to have her daughter there before and after school right now. Don't say anything about the girls having problems because she's not going to help solve the problem. She will turn it all back on your daughter.

Second, listen, listen to your daughter. Take your cues from her. Does she want you to be moral support, or does she want you to go to the school and talk to the counselors. I can almost guarantee that talking to the school with have little positive effect, if any.

Third, have your daughter invite one girl over at a time for a movie night or some other activity.

[MyAngels]

Bullying like this can become very serious. It's no longer just "kids will be kids" the way it was when we were children.

I would start with some online resources, and then go from there.

Maybe try: http://www.stopbullying.gov/topics/lgbt/resources/

http://www.pacer.org/bullying/resources/

http://www.bullybeware.com/

Good luck with this, hopefully you can get it resolved sooner rather than later.

[daycare]

Thanks ladies for posting. I am really trying to help my deaughter see her way through this and I am very happy you both replied with some guidance and advice.

I am going to talk with my and see what I can do....

thanks again

[sharlan]

This is such a rough age for girls. She will get through it with your support.

[lupiegirl81]

similar situation

I am in a similar situation with both my daughters. I watch a little girl who is best friends with my daughters while she is here as there are no other children her age here. Once she gets on the bus she completely flops positions and torments both of my daughters on the bus and at school. She uses any information my daughters have told her confidentially against them. (My daughters are 11 and 9, this girl is 10). I told them to continue to be cordial to the girl and never to say mean things in retaliation but instead to befriend other kids that are more on their level. Your daughter may benefit from finding other friends that are going through similar situations.

I wish you the best of luck in this situation but it sounds to me like you may need to terminate care for the girl for your daughter's sake. Also, have you looked in to group counseling for your daughter? It may help her to be around others who are going through the same thing and the counselors can give her tips on how to deal with the bullying in a constructive way.

[daycare]

ugh girls can be so mean. It just really upsets me as this girl is supposed to be my daughter's best friend and she is so sweet to my face and the rest of my family when she is here at my house. But the second they are out the door the drama begins.

I decided to call the school, since it seems like the bully events happen there more than anywhere else. I also felt the school needed to know that this was going on. The pricipal was very open to hearing about it as well as really showing me that she wants to end the bullying issues at school right away. I really hope that something happens soon.

As for the best friend, I think that I will be sitting down and talking to her today and letting her know that she will not be able to come back to my house anymore. I have had it with this child and I am not paid to watch her. Even if I was being paid to watch her I still wpould not alow for any of this to go on.
Again thanks for listening and responding!!

[laundrymom]

My opinion,.. its going to be quick and probably misspelled because naps almost over.

term girl, and tell mom why. Im sorry Patty but the girls dont really get along this year, and my daughter is my main priority.

call the school. ( I see you did that, great!!!) I dont want to scare you but kids are dying due to bullying situations. I am not saying everyone but one is too many. The school may not be able to STOP everything, but they need to be informed.


I would sit both the girls own TODAY and ( I would probably end up on a tyrade of a soapbox with hand gestures and emotion) say, ok, whats going on, no more smiling to my face and saying things about each other, fess up. You dont want to be friends anymore? you think you cant all be friends? you think you are better than each other? get it out in the open because Im too old for drama and so are you. Acting like a couple 3 year olds. "she took my friend, shes not my friend, etc",.. get over it. either be friends or dont but stop whining and bickering. The school is plenty big enough for all of you. I swear you are behaving like preschoolers, well lets finish this once and for all,.. what has happened that made things so screwed up?

I dont know is not an answer, get to talking!

well for nothing to have happened it sure seems like things are different

Silence is not an answer,... out with it,..

girl dont you roll your eyes at me, Oh No,... Ive known you too long and done too much for you to be treated like that,....

etc etc etc,....

I would make sure it was finished,.. period,... not let them go til it was over, planned a sleepover with the whole group and made sure to be right there in case someone else needed a sit down,...

BUT<>>>> Im an in your face kind of mom.



as for the little 10 yer old who is only nice when its convenient,..

Oh no,.. Miss Me doesnt play that way. Id confront her,.. hey randi, why are you so ugly to the girls on the bus, ?? why are you so nice here, then so mean the minute you leave? I think this is something we will be chatting with mom tonight about... and DO IT!! Explain to mom what happens, tell her to either fix it or find someone else to watch her.

[daycare]

My opinion,.. its going to be quick and probably misspelled because naps almost over.

term girl, and tell mom why. Im sorry Patty but the girls dont really get along this year, and my daughter is my main priority.

call the school. ( I see you did that, great!!!) I dont want to scare you but kids are dying due to bullying situations. I am not saying everyone but one is too many. The school may not be able to STOP everything, but they need to be informed.


I would sit both the girls own TODAY and ( I would probably end up on a tyrade of a soapbox with hand gestures and emotion) say, ok, whats going on, no more smiling to my face and saying things about each other, fess up. You dont want to be friends anymore? you think you cant all be friends? you think you are better than each other? get it out in the open because Im too old for drama and so are you. Acting like a couple 3 year olds. "she took my friend, shes not my friend, etc",.. get over it. either be friends or dont but stop whining and bickering. The school is plenty big enough for all of you. I swear you are behaving like preschoolers, well lets finish this once and for all,.. what has happened that made things so screwed up?

I dont know is not an answer, get to talking!

well for nothing to have happened it sure seems like things are different

Silence is not an answer,... out with it,..

girl dont you roll your eyes at me, Oh No,... Ive known you too long and done too much for you to be treated like that,....

etc etc etc,....

I would make sure it was finished,.. period,... not let them go til it was over, planned a sleepover with the whole group and made sure to be right there in case someone else needed a sit down,...

BUT<>>>> Im an in your face kind of mom.



as for the little 10 yer old who is only nice when its convenient,..

Oh no,.. Miss Me doesnt play that way. Id confront her,.. hey randi, why are you so ugly to the girls on the bus, ?? why are you so nice here, then so mean the minute you leave? I think this is something we will be chatting with mom tonight about... and DO IT!! Explain to mom what happens, tell her to either fix it or find someone else to watch her.

I really wish that I could do this, but the only reason that I have not done this is becuase the BF mom is a huge drama queen and will get in my face. I think that it would make things worse, not better. As soon as the mom would find out that I had a sit down like this, she will be over my house screaming in my face. She has never done it to me, but I have heard through the grapevine that she has to many other mothers who have been in my same situation. UGH!

However, thanks so much for your time responding and advice. I am going to really think about what you said and maybe I should even ask the mom to come over and be here too. I sooooo want this to be done..

Right now, I think that the only thing that I can do is offer my daughter advice on how to be the bigger person, remove herself from bad situations and bad people, as well as talk to someone when she feels unsafe.

I know that kids have died over this stuff and I think that it is just so aweful that the parents and school don't do more. I know that they focus is supposed to be on education, but I feel it is also the schools place to create a safe and healthy environment for every child..... I will let you know what happens...again thanks for posting....

[SilverSabre25]

I was bullied a lot as a young teen...it ****ed. I was teased and teased in 6th grade until I lashed out in anger and got in trouble myself. I told the teacher before getting that mad and was told to "grow up and stop tattling." I tried teasing my tormentors back and got called racist and was sent to the principal's office for it. My mom called the school about the teasing, talked to my teacher and the principal about it and nothing changed. They [the school] all knew the teasing and tormenting was going on, but I was the only one who ever got in trouble...my tormentors never did. I still have emotional scars from that year of school.

This was before the age of cyberbullying and teen suicides over it and schools taking bullying seriously, and I dearly hope that your daughter's school does a better job of handling the issues than mine did.

She needs to stop being friends with the "Best" friend--that's no friend of hers. Maybe get her involved in some new activities where she'll meet a new group of friends at school, or outside of school. It sounds like the advice you're giving her is awesome--better than the advice I got to "ignore them and they'll stop" because that's not true...ignoring them makes it worse. WAY worse.

Hug your daughter for me; teasing ****s rocks and girls are the meanest, cruelest enemies on this earth.

[Unregistered]

Get that bully out of your house. You don't need to say anything to her - just to her mother - just tell you can't watch her kid anymore and leave it at that. You owe her nothing.

I feel so bad for your daughter. I was bullied through out middle and high school and college and I never knew why. I stood up for myself though smartly back then, never saying or doing anything that I would get into trouble for and that made them even madder. I always got my revenge and made new friends. I was never without friends - I was friends with almost everyone in my graduating class. You kill them with kindness and with back handed compliments, they HATE that. I was never without friends. I got teased and bullied for getting good grades, being thin, having blonde hair, for teachers liking me, for listening to my parents, for my having a thousand dollar brand new wardrobe every school year with only the best looks straight off the runway (and worked full time every summer to pay for every cent of that wardrobe - my parents never paid a dime), for having my own car, for placing first in high school excurricular group state competitions, for always having spending money in my pocket (because I always had the highest paying job for my age category throughout highschool and college), for studying, for being a 4.0 student, for not doing drugs, for not drinking myself into drunkeness - you name it, I got bullied for it. Anything good I had or did got picked on. They were my frienemies just like your daughters.

What's sweet vindication is that those girls that bullied me are now nothings, noncontributers to society. Most of them didn't go to college or flunked out of college. they have few friends outside their spouses friends or family because they realized early on after high school that people don't stay friends with bullies and don't like gossip. I graduated with honors from high school and high honors from college - have a great career that pays my own way and rely on no outside or spousal income. I've owned a half million dollar home, have everything I've ever wanted as far as possessions and have achieved every goal I've ever set. I have a busy, but very good life - and I earned that through my upbrining in middle school and high school and college. Those kids were insecure losers and I knew it back then and they're still insecure losers. Now they all want to be my friend and were SO mad I didn't go to the class reunion. Oh, what's that, yes, I'm still a size 6 and you're a 26 now? Oh, that's too bad. I told them, why would I go to a reunion to sit with a bunch of losers? They didn't take that well. Oh, well, I'm an adult and I'll do and say as I please now - I don't have to worry about getting into trouble for saying the wrong thing like in high school.

It wasn't until I was in my thirties when one of my frienemies called me and told me why she did what she did. I had tried to end our friendship many times, but each time, she would cry, saying how I'm like a sister to her and she's sorry, etc, etc. Blah, blah, blah. I had the luxury of not ever living near her so the very long distance was a blessing. She finally called me up out of the blue one day and told me that she and the others always treated me that way because they're jealous of me. I always kinda knew that, but never bothered to attempt an accusation. She said that I'm the only person she knew that could achieve and do the things I'd set out to do and it was always so easy and could walk away from bad situations without getting involved so I never got into trouble, so effortless, that it drove everyone nuts. She said it made it worse that I was always so matter of fact and humble about it, that there must be a secret that I wasn't sharing with anyone and they all wanted to know how I did it. There MUST be something I'm doing that enables to achieve everything that I have. She said I'm different from everyone and she's jealous of that and wants to be just like me. I was rather stunned at her delivery, but told her, matter of factly, that there's no secret. You just do it, that's all - I was always raised that no one will do it better than yourself, because if someone else does it for you, it'd get screwed up. I told her too, that everyone is different, that I'm just different than everyone, because I just am. If you smoke, quit when your ready and just do it, that's all. If you're overweight, don't make excuses, acknowledge and then get your fat rear on the treadmill and the weight machine and go on a diet. You just do it, that's all. You have to want things worse than anyone else in order to achieve them and if you do, you have to work harder and smarter than everyone else. If your marriage isn't working, go to marriage counseling, if it still doesn't work, live with it and shut up about it or divorce the louse.

I'm not friends with them anymore and haven't been for many years. My best frienemy tried contacting me several times in recent years, really more of a psychotic break because she said she needed to know why I broke off the friendship many years prior. After several of these calls over the years and refusing to tell her, I finally told her and ended it with something to the order of, if you call here ever again, I'm going to get a restraining order, it was really getting that psychotic. (you don't dump me, I dump you sort of thing.)

Once a bully, always a bully - kick em to the curb - it'll be the best thing your daughter will ever do. I highly recommend that she get involved in extracurricular activities and sports both inside and outside of school, so she'll make new friends more easily.

[e.j.]

I decided to call the school, since it seems like the bully events happen there more than anywhere else. I also felt the school needed to know that this was going on. The pricipal was very open to hearing about it as well as really showing me that she wants to end the bullying issues at school right away. I really hope that something happens soon.

I think reporting the bullying to the school was the right thing to do. Hopefully, the school will take steps to make it stop. My kids have experienced their share of bullying. My son's school could not have cared less and refused to acknowledge any of it. My dd's school dealt with it beautifully and the situation turned around immediately. (The dean pulled the other girl in. He told her teachers had reported the bullying to him - never mentioning my dd had spoken to him about the bullying. He told the other girl if there was one more incident, she would be suspended and possibly expelled. It worked wonders and since the bully never knew my dd was the one who complained, she didn't have to worry about being accused of ratting out the other kid. They're actually good friends now. Go figure.)

Next step should be to get that kid out of your home. Like several people have suggested, call mom and tell her you can no longer watch her. Use whatever excuse you need to or don't bother to give her a reason. Just end it now for your dd's sake. The girl will know why she is no longer welcome and the mother may find out soon enough if the school is involved now.

Also....do you think these kids have something to do with the vandalism done to your home and car? If so and you haven't mentioned it to the police, I'd let them know. It may help with their investigation. If they were the ones who vandalized your property, they should be held accountable and they should have to pay you back for the damage done.

Good luck. I hope the bullying stops now that the school is involved.