Dealing With Guilt Trips?

[PitterPatter]

Yesterday was payday but 1 DCM didn't pay. Her child was out ill and she was actually at the Dr. when I ran into her. I felt it wasn't the place or time to say hey BTW pay up. So I let it go until today. This morn she tried to say she would have to pay me Monday because she didn't have change. I reminded her right then that she was already a day late and I forgave the $10 fee but if she waits longer I will have to charge $10 per day late. Sad part is she only owes $15 for 2 weeks of care! (state paid)

Today at pick up she says again she doesn't have it and want's to know if I can wait til next payday. I asked her "well didn't you just get paid yesterday?" She says "yes but the car has bald tires and we are afraid they are going to blow with the kids in the car." I just sat there looking at her. How is $15 going to make a difference? She went on " I just couldn't live with myself if I wrecked with the kids in the car so can I wait and pay you next month?"

Now I hear you all here in my head immediatley "Don't let her make her problem your problem" But when she's using the kids lives against me for $15 I just lost my backbone and let her go. Now this also means no late fee attached to it. How could I attach 1 $140 fee to $15 anyway sad!

So I figured I could make it. It is the end of the month tho and I am very low on funds so much that we are going without a lil. We are a pay check to pay check family. I bet DCM & DCD dont go without cigarettes for 2 weeks tho!

So what do you do when they use guilt? Last winter I couldn't be paid $100 because another client was getting her gas shut off if she paid me. "My poor baby will freeze if I pay you"...

What do you do?

[nannyde]

I would tell her that you can't loan her money. You don't ask your provider to loan your family money. It's inappropriate and disrespectful. They need to go to their own family and friends when their childrens lives are endangered.

[AfterSchoolMom]

Well...tell her that that's fine, but the child can't come back again until she's paid in full, because you don't give care away for free.

[AnneCordelia]

Well...tell her that that's fine, but the child can't come back again until she's paid in full, because you don't give care away for free.

My contract also states that absences that are not paid for, that exceed 5 working days, are an automatic termination.

I agree with NannyDe too...you are not a bank. It is not your job to loan your hard-earned $ to clients. She wouldn't come to you and ask for $$ straight from your wallet...but somehow it's OK when the $$ hasn't yet transfered from hers to yours even though you are the rightful owner of it?

It's hard, but I maintain a firm face: "I'm sorry but I also have bills to be paid to ensure that your child has a safe and healthy environment to spend his days. If you are having trouble making ends meet then perhaps you should speak to your family or bank about a loan."

And then I would advertise to fill the spot. I don't do $$ problems.

[Crazy8]

My contract also states that absences that are not paid for, that exceed 5 working days, are an automatic termination.

I agree with NannyDe too...you are not a bank. It is not your job to loan your hard-earned $ to clients. She wouldn't come to you and ask for $$ straight from your wallet...but somehow it's OK when the $$ hasn't yet transfered from hers to yours even though you are the rightful owner of it?

It's hard, but I maintain a firm face: "I'm sorry but I also have bills to be paid to ensure that your child has a safe and healthy environment to spend his days. If you are having trouble making ends meet then perhaps you should speak to your family or bank about a loan."

And then I would advertise to fill the spot. I don't do $$ problems.

perfect response. I would have flat out said you can't buy new tires with $15. That is the most ridiculous excuse I've heard yet!!! I would then inform them that they can wait till next month to pay the $15, they can also wait till next month to bring their child. Just say no.

[AnneCordelia]

Also they smoke? Both of them? The average smoker lights up 20 times a day. That's more than $50/week on smokes for one person if they smoke the cheap cigarettes.

That's nervy.

[Meeko]

"If you can afford to smoke, you can afford to pay me"

[PolarCare]

Be blunt.

"I'm going to level with you. I understand you have struggles, because I struggle too. Everyone does right now. But the last person you want to delay payment on is the person caring for your kids. Because otherwise you put that person in the position of not being able to afford to maintain the quaility of care, and then you are in the position of finding alternate care or missing work. Pay on time, in full, or do not expect care. It's really that simple"

[flightlessbird11]

I had a family just do this to me on Friday. She stood there with the check in hand and tears in her eyes saying that they probably wouldn't be able to make their car payment now.

I said..."I understand, but this is my income. This is how I pay my bills." I had already let the payment go till Friday bc we are waiting on county paperwork. No paperwork, then pay up. Then she went on to say.."well, it says in your policy that payments are due on Mondays."
"Well, yes they are.....but IN ADVANCE. This check would have been due 4 days ago" Seriously people! Pay your damn bill!!

I just took the check and said..thanks! I'll have a receipt for you at pick up.

I'm not letting people walk all over me anymore, and neither should you! It is NOT your problem what she has to pay for. Her provider should be her #1 priority. Don't feel bad for her. (wow..I guess I'm bitter towards all parents who don't want to pay!)

[nannyde]

I had a family just do this to me on Friday. She stood there with the check in hand and tears in her eyes saying that they probably wouldn't be able to make their car payment now.

I said..."I understand, but this is my income. This is how I pay my bills." I had already let the payment go till Friday bc we are waiting on county paperwork. No paperwork, then pay up. Then she went on to say.."well, it says in your policy that payments are due on Mondays."
"Well, yes they are.....but IN ADVANCE. This check would have been due 4 days ago" Seriously people! Pay your damn bill!!

I just took the check and said..thanks! I'll have a receipt for you at pick up.

I'm not letting people walk all over me anymore, and neither should you! It is NOT your problem what she has to pay for. Her provider should be her #1 priority. Don't feel bad for her. (wow..I guess I'm bitter towards all parents who don't want to pay!)

Get geared up for a bounced check. You might want to take that directly to her bank.

When she said " they probably wouldn't be able to make their car payment now" I wouldn't have discussed how the money pays your bills. It doesn't really matter what you use the money for.

I would have said "I've been without a car before because I couldn't afford one. I know it's hard ... isn't it? Good luck to you on working it out."

When people say stuff like that it's our nature to say words to them that have something to do about us FIXING it or give words why we can't. The best approach is just to say it back to them and say it with pure empathy. Don't get yourself or HER into the mindset that her words to you are about you fixing it. She may have wanted the convo to go that way but it should never go that way. She has to learn that her paying her day care bill is just her deal. You can empathize but not internalize it.

Next time don't allow her to be late on a payment. If you do that the parent then begins the process of looking at ALL of their payments to you as something they CAN negotiate or postpone. It's best to just have them pay every week. No pay... no stay....

Stay out of how she manages it. Just expect it.

I go YEARS between ever having to even discuss money with parents. I hate money talks so I try REALLY hard to set things up so we don't have to discuss it. I have made some exceptions for LONG standing clients but I wouldn't even consider it with someone who had been there for a short amount of time.

When I have made exceptions I do it with a pure heart and do NOT ever expect to get the money. I make a conscious decision to not think about the money and give it as a gift. If the money comes back... then great. If not... then it's a gift. If I'm not willing to gift it then I don't do it.

I have done this two or three times in the last TEN years. It's very rare and only for special special clients.

[laundrymom]

I would say, wow, Im sorry, but thanks for putting johnies daycare in front of the car payment,.. That means alot and now I can pay my electric bill on time. I dont have a car payment, my van is a 99. But I can imagine that was a hard decision.

[flightlessbird11]

Get geared up for a bounced check. You might want to take that directly to her bank.

When she said " they probably wouldn't be able to make their car payment now" I wouldn't have discussed how the money pays your bills. It doesn't really matter what you use the money for.

I would have said "I've been without a car before because I couldn't afford one. I know it's hard ... isn't it? Good luck to you on working it out."

When people say stuff like that it's our nature to say words to them that have something to do about us FIXING it or give words why we can't. The best approach is just to say it back to them and say it with pure empathy. Don't get yourself or HER into the mindset that her words to you are about you fixing it. She may have wanted the convo to go that way but it should never go that way. She has to learn that her paying her day care bill is just her deal. You can empathize but not internalize it.

Next time don't allow her to be late on a payment. If you do that the parent then begins the process of looking at ALL of their payments to you as something they CAN negotiate or postpone. It's best to just have them pay every week. No pay... no stay....

Stay out of how she manages it. Just expect it.

I go YEARS between ever having to even discuss money with parents. I hate money talks so I try REALLY hard to set things up so we don't have to discuss it. I have made some exceptions for LONG standing clients but I wouldn't even consider it with someone who had been there for a short amount of time.

When I have made exceptions I do it with a pure heart and do NOT ever expect to get the money. I make a conscious decision to not think about the money and give it as a gift. If the money comes back... then great. If not... then it's a gift. If I'm not willing to gift it then I don't do it.

I have done this two or three times in the last TEN years. It's very rare and only for special special clients.

I already cashed it on Friday

[NiNi.R.]

Today at pick up she says again she doesn't have it and want's to know if I can wait til next payday. I asked her "well didn't you just get paid yesterday?" She says "yes but the car has bald tires and we are afraid they are going to blow with the kids in the car." I just sat there looking at her. How is $15 going to make a difference? She went on " I just couldn't live with myself if I wrecked with the kids in the car so can I wait and pay you next month?"

Ironically I got this same excuse two weeks ago from one of my state payers. The agreement for state parents is that they transfer their state pay at the 1st of the month and their entire amount due has to be paid in full by the end of the month. The difference is split into two payments for them. She owed 20.00 per pay period. First pay period she used the tire excuse and said she would have me paid in full by the end of the month- I caved. I have a special tie to her little boy. A year ago DCM had got herself into some trouble and I turned her into CPS. SRS temporarily took her rights away and I ended up becoming a foster parent so DCB could live with us while DCM got her life on track. She is doing much better now but can't manage her money worth a crap. I guess I'm a softy but I just can't turn DCB away for a measly 40.00 a month when we've been the only healthy constant in his life for the last couple of years now. When the second pay period rolled around I expected not to get my 40.00 and to have to tell her I'd no longer be able to watch DCB but surprisingly she got me paid in full.

[PitterPatter]

Ironically I got this same excuse two weeks ago from one of my state payers. The agreement for state parents is that they transfer their state pay at the 1st of the month and their entire amount due has to be paid in full by the end of the month. The difference is split into two payments for them. She owed 20.00 per pay period. First pay period she used the tire excuse and said she would have me paid in full by the end of the month- I caved. I have a special tie to her little boy. A year ago DCM had got herself into some trouble and I turned her into CPS. SRS temporarily took her rights away and I ended up becoming a foster parent so DCB could live with us while DCM got her life on track. She is doing much better now but can't manage her money worth a crap. I guess I'm a softy but I just can't turn DCB away for a measly 40.00 a month when we've been the only healthy constant in his life for the last couple of years now. When the second pay period rolled around I expected not to get my 40.00 and to have to tell her I'd no longer be able to watch DCB but surprisingly she got me paid in full.

God bless you for taking that little boy in! I guess I should look at it that way too (measly) and in a way I do but, DCM has a hubby so they have double income where as I just have my daycare income. She actually makes more than I do so I feel a little taken advantage of when she takes even more from my pocket. I really missed that $15 this weekend. Sounds pathetic I know but it would have paid for the kids milk, bread, eggs and juice. I managed though but I shouldn't have to juggle and skip on other things I want and need.

I won't be doing it again that's for sure because DCM showed up here at drop off today smacking a new pack cigarettes on the heel of her hand and then ****ing on a giant starbucks coffee frappachino thing? :confused: right in front of me at the car! She was bragging about it being delicious and how I should try one! You don't know what it took for me to keep my mouth shut! I had an instant come back pop in my head too... "Well maybe I could have tried one had you not kept MY money to buy yourself one!!" How much do those things cost anyway? I bet $3 or more? (i dont drink coffee and never been in a starbucks) and cigs I know are at least $5 a pack! So there's what $8 of my $15 right there! Then at pick up DCD shows up with a wad of tobacco in his face! REALLY? AND he smokes sometimes too! Who smokes AND chew tobacco? I'm surprised his face doesn't fall off right as he's talking to me! So I'm done. I don't care if they claim to need surgery they better find Doogie Houser MD to do it for free because they are not getting away with another red cent of MY earned money!

Sorry turned to a vent, anyway bless your heart! Thank you for caring about that little boy!

[NiNi.R.]

God bless you for taking that little boy in! I guess I should look at it that way too (measly) and in a way I do but, DCM has a hubby so they have double income where as I just have my daycare income. She actually makes more than I do so I feel a little taken advantage of when she takes even more from my pocket. I really missed that $15 this weekend. Sounds pathetic I know but it would have paid for the kids milk, bread, eggs and juice. I managed though but I shouldn't have to juggle and skip on other things I want and need.

I won't be doing it again that's for sure because DCM showed up here at drop off today smacking a new pack cigarettes on the heel of her hand and then ****ing on a giant starbucks coffee frappachino thing? :confused: right in front of me at the car! She was bragging about it being delicious and how I should try one! You don't know what it took for me to keep my mouth shut! I had an instant come back pop in my head too... "Well maybe I could have tried one had you not kept MY money to buy yourself one!!" How much do those things cost anyway? I bet $3 or more? (i dont drink coffee and never been in a starbucks) and cigs I know are at least $5 a pack! So there's what $8 of my $15 right there! Then at pick up DCD shows up with a wad of tobacco in his face! REALLY? AND he smokes sometimes too! Who smokes AND chew tobacco? I'm surprised his face doesn't fall off right as he's talking to me! So I'm done. I don't care if they claim to need surgery they better find Doogie Houser MD to do it for free because they are not getting away with another red cent of MY earned money!

Sorry turned to a vent, anyway bless your heart! Thank you for caring about that little boy!

That is ridiculous and I wouldn't put up with it either! I know how you feel as a year ago I was in the same financial position as you. Hang in there...it will get better