What Would You Do?

[MamaBear]

Okay... Heres my situation:

I have a 13 month old DCB that left my daycare about 2.5 months ago. His mom is a teacher & right before the summer break they moved about 40 minutes away but she still works close to my home. So she made the decision to put him in a daycare next to her home and gave her 2 week notice back in May. All was fine and they were gone.

About a month ago she contacts me to tell me that he was having an awful time at the new daycare. He had been with me from when he was 3 months old till they left me when he was about 10 or 11 months. He was always fine here. Basically the mom was upset that every time she'd pick him up he was having a crying fit at his new daycare. So she asks me if she could bring him back to my daycare.

She apologized up & down for taking him out just for their "convenience" and really wanted him back here because he was so comfortable here & she never worried about him, etc etc... So I said ok.

She told me during that conversation how easy he is now... that hes walking now, napping for 3 hour naps each day and so easy going. THEN he comes back and it was NOT what she said.

He has MAJOR separation anxiety since he returned (last week). He has a HUGE fit when the mom leaves, a full on tantrum and cries so hard he barfs on himself. Then he calms down about 30 minutes later but EVERY time someone arrives or leaves at the door, he does the same routine all over again.

I started a new girl today and it was so embarrassing. He was having a fit and I was trying to listen to the new mom talk to me. It was awful.

Oh and he only naps 30 minutes a day... ALL day. So after the first awful day (which was last week) I told the mom how it was. THEN she tells me... "oh yeah - I cant even go to throw stuff out in the trash outside & leave him with his dad without him having a huge fit! He has total separation anxiety" WHAT??? What the heck happened to the easy going boy she bragged about last month??? The one who naps 3 hours a day and is so easy and happy??

So now its been a week and a half and he is getting worse. Every morning its the same thing. Big huge fit for 30 minutes to the point of puking... then starts up again every time someone arrives and leaves. And my only time to get a break from him is nap time and he wont sleep more than 30 minutes.

Hes 13 months old now... and he should be comfortable with me since he was with me for so long before... although I understand being gone from me for a couple months is like starting all over to him in his baby mind. Now I'm thinking the other daycare he was at was fine... its just him! I'm mad that the mom lied to me about how easy he is. I would never have taken him in if I knew all this about him. Especially since I had already taken another 13 month old and took in a 7 month old too. Its crazy here when hes having a fit... It triggers my 7 month old to wail even louder!

So should I term him? Give him more time? It's really wearing me out and I need to consider my sanity too. :confused:

[Blackcat31]

I think you already know the answer to your question. You are just looking for someone to give you that (virtual) push in the right direction. So in that case, YOU do what YOU need to do and don't feel bad. It is a good lesson for you and for dcm.

[laundrymom]

I think you already know the answer to your question. You are just looking for someone to give you that (virtual) push in the right direction. So in that case, YOU do what YOU need to do and don't feel bad. It is a good lesson for you and for dcm.

Very good answer

[MamaBear]

I think you already know the answer to your question. You are just looking for someone to give you that (virtual) push in the right direction. So in that case, YOU do what YOU need to do and don't feel bad. It is a good lesson for you and for dcm.

Your so right. I think I just feel bad since I had him before. But this is just not working out. I hate situations like this.

[Blackcat31]

Your so right. I think I just feel bad since I had him before. But this is just not working out. I hate situations like this.

I hate them too but I have come to learn that the feeling of euphoria I have when that one stressful kid is gone is so liberating that I do not hesitate to do what I need to do anymore. It is hard but like, I said...good lesson for the daycare mom. She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions just like we teach our dck's. You didn't do it so you shouldn't be the one stressing.

[sharlan]

What was he like before?

If he was a pleasant baby, I would give him some more time to readjust. You have no idea what he went through in the other daycare. One day he was with you, next day somebody else. He was too young to undestand what was happening.

In his little brain, he has no idea as to whether or not he will be at your house or somewhere else tomorrow.

Parents really need to stop and think about what they are doing.

[wdmmom]

What time does he come in in the morning? Is there any way to lay him down right when he gets there or keep him away from the door to see if the door is a trigger?

Unfortunately the DCM blew smoke up your rear just to get him back in your care. Now it's up to you whether you want to continue care or not. Is she doing anything to help alleviate problem or is it out of sight, out of mind? Do you offer a trial period? If so, I would be honest with the mom and tell her that the trial period is ending soon and if these issues continue, she may need to find alternative care.

[cheerfuldom]

I would not keep him. JMO but I don't think it is completely separation anxiety. He is like this at home WITH his mom. 30 minute fits multiple times a day are just too much.

[heyhun77]

I would probably keep him but mark a calendar for 30 days and write on each day how he is. If you approach 30 days and there are more bad days than good then let them go but it may get better. I agree that he's had a couple of transitions in his short life and he's confused. Also, he's at about the age and stage that the next bout of separation anxiety will come on even if he had been in your care for the duration of his life.

I have had (and still do have) kids that cannot separate from their parents at home, at church, ect, basically anyplace but my house but here they are completely fine. You could find a goodbye routine that works for your childcare, the parent and the child and stick to it. Also you could make sure that there are pictures of his family, house, ect available for him to go to when he is missing mom.

What works for my one kiddo that still has separation issues is to come in, take off his shoes, give hugs and kisses then he comes into my living room, stands on the footstool in front of the window and waves goodbye to mom until he can't see her anymore. At first he would cry and carry on. Then over time it got less and less down to just blowing a kiss and watching her get in the car, to now where he says his goodbyes in the front porch/cubby area and then goes and washes his hands just like all the other kids without the stop at the window. If he's having a particularily tough morning he'll do it because he knows it's available but a lot of the time he just joins right into our morning routines.

[nannyde]

I could manage everything but the crying to puke part. Is he doing that every day and multiple times a day?

I think you may have a rage baby. There are a lot of things you can do to work with him to settle him down BUT the vomiting is very difficult to get around.

[MommyMuffin]

I could manage everything but the crying to puke part. Is he doing that every day and multiple times a day?

I think you may have a rage baby. There are a lot of things you can do to work with him to settle him down BUT the vomiting is very difficult to get around.

Sorry off topic: What is a rage baby? Is there a previous post about it?

[nannyde]

Sorry off topic: What is a rage baby? Is there a previous post about it?

intensely angry baby

[Michelle]

What was he like before?

If he was a pleasant baby, I would give him some more time to readjust. You have no idea what he went through in the other daycare. One day he was with you, next day somebody else. He was too young to undestand what was happening.

In his little brain, he has no idea as to whether or not he will be at your house or somewhere else tomorrow.

Parents really need to stop and think about what they are doing.

Exactly what i was thinking... Parents need to keep kids in one place.

[countrymom]

ok, 2 things. I wonder if something happened at the other daycare. I had a boy come to me 2 yrs ago, mom was crying and telling me that since her child started at the home daycare he started with seperation anxiety, he wasn't sleeping, his attitude changed. so 2 yrs later he's a good kid, mom and I are good friends but she thinks that the other provider was leaving her kid in the playpen all day thats why he had issues.

or can you call the other provider and see if she had a problem, maybe something happened that mom doesn't want to tell you. thats weird that he would do those weird behaviors.

[SilverSabre25]

ok, 2 things. I wonder if something happened at the other daycare. I had a boy come to me 2 yrs ago, mom was crying and telling me that since her child started at the home daycare he started with seperation anxiety, he wasn't sleeping, his attitude changed. so 2 yrs later he's a good kid, mom and I are good friends but she thinks that the other provider was leaving her kid in the playpen all day thats why he had issues.

or can you call the other provider and see if she had a problem, maybe something happened that mom doesn't want to tell you. thats weird that he would do those weird behaviors.

I was also wondering if something happened at the other place. I would give him a good chance to settle down. Clam, loving, routine is probably best for him right now. Reassurance, cuddles, and perhaps a Big Exciting Awesome activity planned for about ten minutes after he arrives--fingerpainting with colored whipped cream on the high chair tray, maybe. Or even maybe try to distract him with a simple show right after drop off for awhile? Something, anything that will get his attention OFF the door.