Parents Treating Children Poorly

[mac60]

Double post....removed.

[kidkair]

I reported a verbally abusive father once and was asked if the mother had custody at all. When I said yes the response was "Well the children have an escape from the verbal abuse so there is nothing we can do." And so the children continued to have visits with their dad every weekend until the dad became physically abusive toward the mother and she refused to give him the kids unless the exchanged happened at the police station. Soon after the father physically attacked the mom the 8 year old began to physically attack mom too. Unfortunately she physically retaliated one night and I had to report her too. Oddly enough they responded to that call rather than having responded 6 months earlier to the verbal abusive dad. The system is quite messed up but thankfully the kids are still with mom and the dad is not in the picture any more. And mom is taking classes and therapy to be a better mom and the older kid is in therapy to deal with all that his dad put him through.

[PeanutsGalore]

I hesitated because I had no proof and that is always 1 of the 1st questions they ask for along with the feeding, shelter, clothing and did I witness bruises or beatings etc. As I said I reported before on a family and nothing came of that report and I was left looking/feeling like an idiot and another time the children were removed but because they found serious issues in the home. It could open a can of worms and end up being worse on me when I am found out as the reporter and the children still have the same life. I would take the possible repercussions if it meant the Mom would treat the kids better but in all reality I dont see that happening. I tried a few approaches myself and she is too stubborn.

To clarify, He isn't running in the streets all day. He has ran to the street, off of the curb, onto the street where cars park but he's not running up and down the middle of the street playing in the street or anything. He just wants her to chase him.

Another reason I didn't know if I should report it is I don't know what really is considered abuse these days that's another reason I posted asking for the advise. Just look at the replies here. Everyone has a dif opinion on what abuse is. It seems to me families are more verbally abusive than ever so it seems to be becoming accepted. I just feel it is wrong and I would never treat my child or any child that way. I guess I was born at the wrong time. I should have been Beaver Cleavers neighbor.

Then I have this "mandated reporter" thing hovering over my head everytime I see parents mistreating thier children and it's such a fine line I don't know what I should do most of the time. I feel put on the spot so to speak. This instance just had me too worked up because I have sat there and watched it more than once. I decided I can't go to my friends anymore because I don't want to see these kids treated this way. She will have to visit me from now on or we will stay inside.

Oh and the street isn't constantly busy but it does have many cars through the day. There was just a lot of questions going through my mind so I wasn't sure what to do. I put it in the hands of the monitor when he came. He asked the same questions I knew he would ask. When I replied yes they are fed, yes they are clean... etc I just felt stupid going on with it. He said he will check into it. Whatever that means.

I know it's hard sometimes to figure out when to intervene and when not to intervene. The verbal abuse thing? It's tremendously damaging, yes, to both the victim and society at large, but as has been pointed out, there are so many different parenting styles, it's laughable what some people consider abuse. Many of us here on this board can't understand why parents just don't say "NO" to their kids, for crying out loud, but some people actually consider that abusive. That's why I wouldn't be so quick to report someone for verbal abuse. Sticks and stones and whatnot.....but physical abuse or physical danger is a different thing. Anytime I have ever seen a child running through a store, or a mall, or at a fair, or in a parking lot--anywhere--and there isn't an adult immediately behind them, I stop and watch until I see that they are accompanied and safe. If not, I'm quite willing to watch over the child until I can deliver them to the police. If I have to, I will call the police.

I think that in this situation (as Jen pointed out), the child was put in enough physical danger to consider it a reportable offense. Don't second guess yourself. I think your instincts are telling you to call, but our rather messed up system which can only cater to the worst of the worst of situations is making you feel as if you are wasting someone's time. Don't. Who cares what anyone else thinks? What if this kid does eventually get run over while his mom is watching from the front porch? Would you still feel silly for calling in a report at that point in time?

I saw something on TV the other day that was actually really great. A woman was counseling someone who had absolutely trashed every rare opportunity that had come her way and as a result, messed up her life, and it was the most brilliant way I've ever heard someone express the idea that what other people think doesn't matter. She said, "You know your what your problem is? You wanna know the answer to things. You don't have enough faith that it is just how it's supposed to be; you want to KNOW the answer. The greatest thing that's happened in my life is I don't care anymore."

Pitterpatter, if YOU think this kid is in danger, go with your gut and report it. Then, you've done your job and it's in the hands of a higher power, at which time you have to trust that higher power to keep that kid safe.

[QualiTcare]

you may not like or approve of cursing, but cursing is not verbal abuse. would i say "i'm gonna knock your f'n teeth out?" noo, i wouldn't. but it sounds like that's the way this family talks to each other. what you need to consider is do you think she would really knock his teeth out or even hurt him at all? if she had just said "i'm gonna knock your teeth out" in a joking manner, it wouldn't be AS big of a deal, but add that "F" word and people freak out. it's just a word and maybe a poor choice of a word and a word that other people wouldn't use, but it doesn't change her intent or mean that the intent is actually there.

i cuss like a sailor and i make no apologies for it. i've said to my kids, "i'm gonna kick you" and they laugh bc they know i'm joking. the fact i've never and wouldn't ever do that and they know it probably has something to do with it so i'd be highly pissed if i got reported bc a nosey neighbor overheard. we say all kinds of things that other people would consider "inappropriate" but i don't care because it's appropriate in our family dynamic. my husband and i call each other names like we're giving compliments. it's just our sense of humor. i'm guilty of saying "punk" to my kids as well.

basically, you'd be reporting her for cursing and thank goodness for my sake -cursing isn't a crime...yet.

[CheekyChick]

It sounds to me that she is:

A) Immature
B) Attention seeking
C) A clown

Sadly, this will affect her children. I would write an anonymous letter (yes, I'm a chicken) and put it on her doorstep. I would threaten to contact CPS if she doesn't straighten up ASAP. Maybe that will scare her into growing up a bit. If not, call CPS and let them deal with her.

[Country Kids]

Here is a question that for everyone that talks to their children this way minus the cussing and says they are joking. Do your own children say these things to other children and then you or them have to explain that you are just joking? Are these things said around your daycare children and then you are having to tell the parents that you or your children are just joking? My own children have tried to talk to me that way and then just say "I'm joking". I just tell them we do not speak that way to anyone joking or not. I know alot of their friends get away with it but I feel it is so disrespectful. I personally don't want to be explaining to parents either of it just the way we talk and joking around.

[Blackcat31]

Here is a question that for everyone that talks to their children this way minus the cussing and says they are joking. Do your own children say these things to other children and then you or them have to explain that you are just joking? Are these things said around your daycare children and then you are having to tell the parents that you or your children are just joking? My own children have tried to talk to me that way and then just say "I'm joking". I just tell them we do not speak that way to anyone joking or not. I know alot of their friends get away with it but I feel it is so disrespectful. I personally don't want to be explaining to parents either of it just the way we talk and joking around.

I did not cuss at my children but I did say "Do you want me to beat you?" or I said I was going to kick their arses and similar things. I even told my 8 year old DD that I would knock her teeth in after she said something really snotty. Are they bad people now? Nope! My kids are now 22 and 19 and are the most respectable, well behaved young adults that you will ever meet. Both have held jobs since they were 15 and both have had current jobs for 7 and 4years respectively. Neither child has ever had a run in with the law or had issues with drugs or alcohol. Both are full time college students and own new cars and pay their own bills.

So in response to your question; no, my children do not act that way to others because they were taught the difference between what was said to them and what is said by them. But yes, as a stressed young mom I did say some terribly inappropriate things to them that by the standards of some on this forum would be considered verbally abusive.

I also told my own brothers and sister as well as friends while growing up that I was gonna kill them every time I was mad but I didn't. Some times words are words and the intentions behind them are what counts. Too many times we see snipets of other people lives and feel the need to judge and I do not think that is right.

I saw a posts on here awhile back where someone complains about seeing a parent in a store discipline or not discipline their child and think poorly of the parent and then another thread by same poster said that someone said something rude to them about how they disciplined their kid and they said it was a 10 minute snipet into their life and the observer had no right assuming anything.

I take being a mandated reporter seriously but I keep it limited to the children in my care where I do know the details and backgrounds. I can actually offer more than "I think..." when I make a report. If I see someone or hear someone saying something to their child in public, if it isn't outright physical abuse, I mind my own.

[momofsix]

basically, you'd be reporting her for cursing and thank goodness for my sake -cursing isn't a crime...yet.

In some places it is! Here are a couple of "funny" stories about that!

http://www.mizozo.com/weird/12/2010/27/man-gets-fined-500-for-cursing-on-a-bus.html

http://www.firstamendmentcenter.com/news.aspx?id=7244

[MyAngels]

All of us who are mandated reporters should take the time to learn what constitutes abuse in our state, and report accordingly.

If, every time we see a parent behaving in a way that we don't condone, we reported it, it would stretch an already overburdened system to the breaking point. I would not like to think that reports that were made that were unfounded were responsible for true reports of abuse going unnoticed or investigated poorly.

[jen]

I did not cuss at my children but I did say "Do you want me to beat you?" or I said I was going to kick their arses and similar things. I even told my 8 year old DD that I would knock her teeth in after she said something really snotty. Are they bad people now? Nope! My kids are now 22 and 19 and are the most respectable, well behaved young adults that you will ever meet. Both have held jobs since they were 15 and both have had current jobs for 7 and 4years respectively. Neither child has ever had a run in with the law or had issues with drugs or alcohol. Both are full time college students and own new cars and pay their own bills.

So in response to your question; no, my children do not act that way to others because they were taught the difference between what was said to them and what is said by them. But yes, as a stressed young mom I did say some terribly inappropriate things to them that by the standards of some on this forum would be considered verbally abusive.

I also told my own brothers and sister as well as friends while growing up that I was gonna kill them every time I was mad but I didn't. Some times words are words and the intentions behind them are what counts. Too many times we see snipets of other people lives and feel the need to judge and I do not think that is right.

I saw a posts on here awhile back where someone complains about seeing a parent in a store discipline or not discipline their child and think poorly of the parent and then another thread by same poster said that someone said something rude to them about how they disciplined their kid and they said it was a 10 minute snipet into their life and the observer had no right assuming anything.

I take being a mandated reporter seriously but I keep it limited to the children in my care where I do know the details and backgrounds. I can actually offer more than "I think..." when I make a report. If I see someone or hear someone saying something to their child in public, if it isn't outright physical abuse, I mind my own.

This! This right here!

[dEHmom]

i call my kids brats, monkeys, and lots of stuff, we joke about I'll kick your butt, or "i'm gonna beat you up" but we all know how to do it in good fun, and it's VERY obvious if you are listening or accidentally overheard it passing by that it's all in fun. There is no way that a child laughing hysterically and the tone of our voices come across as bad. And my kids completely understand that's only something we do for fun in the house with each other, and no one else.

[Unregistered]

sadly, nothing will be done

Sadly, nothing will probably be done in this case even if you call and report it. I witnessed a now "ex friend" of mine physically and verbally her child regularly when we'd be on outings or visits. I asked a social worker's advice and was told that nothing would be done about it because the system is so overwhelmed and understaffed. It broke my heart so bad that I had to cut off the friendship. Still today, many years later, I still wonder what ever came of that kid.