Is It My Place To Tell The Parents If I Think Something Is "Wrong" With Their Child?

[Unregistered]

This is my first post here...so I haven't registered yet. Will do soon!

I've been watching a boy now that will be 5 this summer. It's been about 2 months since I've had him 3 days a week. Here are some things that I find very odd for his age...(I have a son his same age, and a nephew and several of their friends to compare to)

-won't interact with me on a personal level. I have to physically hold his shoulders and make eye contact to get him to answer any questions I ask him.
- when he does answer my questions, it's with answers that don't make any sense "DKB, did you do anything fun with your mom last night?" ...his answer "I don't". he answers "I don't" to almost everything I ask.
- he ocassionally wets his pants during nap time
- he can't put his own shoes on, or take them off (flip flops...yes....velcro shoes, no)
- last week I asked him to put his bathing suit on (first time I've had him do this)...I found him trying to put it on over his underwear, upside down so the bottom of the leg hole was the waist (remember, he's almost 5).
- he seems to be in "pretend world" most of the day. he has a great imagination, which is wonderful....but again...I can't get him to talk to me. He'll say things when he needs to like "i'm done with lunch", "can I have a drink", " I have to go potty"....but will NOT have a conversation with me about anything beyond the basics.
- he follows directions very well, but just won't allow any "normal" communication with me.
- his hands seem shaky to me and his movements kind of jerky sometimes. although he can run, jump swing, climb, etc...it seems to be more the fine motor things that are iffy.
-he can't hold a crayon correctly, won't let me help him learn...and is not even close to coloring in the lines.

something is just 'off' with this boy. I asked his mom the first week he was here if it was normal for him to not talk to new people...it's like I talk to him or try to engage him and he looks right past me like I don't even exist. She just shrugged her shoulders and said he's been like that lately, and has had a lot of changes in his life (she just re-married), new apartment, etc. I have a feeling she's not the most attentive.

I worry that she is sending him to Kindergarten next year. He's going to get chewed up and spit out....and I see him struggling big time. I think he should be evaluated...and at least be put into young 5's. Do I say something out of concern? If so- how can this be done without offending mom? Or, do I just keep quiet and hope he has a good teacher next year who will bring up these concerns?

[Symphony]

Does your area do kindergarten screening? I would think they might pick up something there. Even if it wasn't specifically stated to parents, the school would be aware there were some red flags.

I probably wouldn't say anything this close to him going to kindergarten unless I was specifically asked. I do think it is wonderful that you are taking a special interest in him and that you care so much.

[Lilbutterflie]

I learned a big lesson recently about getting a little too involved in telling a parent that I believe their 5 yo was exhibiting very concerning abnormal behaviors. The situation was completely different than yours, but the parent took it very personally and the whole thing did not end well at all.

What I would suggest is to keep updating his mom on behaviors you are noticing. Perhaps something like "I have hoped that after two months of watching your son that he would be able to have a conversation with me; but it is a real struggle to get him to interact with me."

Typically when they register for kindergarten, they do an individual assessment; so perhaps the school already has an idea of his abilities. They will figure it out quickly and react accordingly. If it were me, and this is based on my own recent experience; I would tell his mom what you are observing in him; but don't push any sort of evaluations or testing.

[Unregistered]

Kindergarten evaluations aren't required here, they are optional. This boy seems very smart (knows his letters, can spell out his name)...but he can't even attempt to write his name.

His lack of social interaction is what worries me the most. the ability to connect with another person and have a conversation about simple things like his favorite color "dkb, I like your shirt today...is your favorite color green?" his answer...after much prodding is "I don't" as he walks away.

I'm not sure if this is just some sort of defense mechanism he's built up from an unsteady childhood, or if there's something really wrong like a mild form of autism or asbergers or something?

[Mom_of_two]

I agree with PP. I might mention specific behaviors in a non-judgmental way, or even ask for mom's suggestions on how to effectively interact with him, but I would not say anythign else. I always answer parents questions if they ask, but refer them to pedi etc if concerned. I don't think people who are not trained in such areas should make judgments, unless it is dangerous or extremely noticible concerning behavior.

Chances are the parent is aware.

[Unregistered]

Thanks for the input. I haven't been doing daycare for very long (6 months) so am new to this type of stuff.

I think I'll tread lightly....and just maybe let her know I'm having a hard time connecting with him and see if she has any tips to get him to talk to me more. and leave it at that.

hopefully he'll have a good teacher next year, who is more qualified than me to bring up any serious concerns.

[MamaJ]

and now I am registered as MamaJ

[youretooloud]

I would bring up my concern once. Only once. If the parents don't want to follow up, then the school will.

I learned that holding a kid back because of these concerns is the worst thing to do when the parents haven't already taken action. These are the kids who need to be in school to get any type of help.

Our school district has been cut back drastically. So, kids with special needs probably won't get the same help they would have gotten five years ago. Our neighbor kid has some real problems, but he can't get help because he no longer qualifies for any services. He just has to twist in the wind on his own for a while.

Like I said, I'd mention it, then I'd drop the subject and hope the school catches it.

The parents can request the school test him before school starts. That way, he'll get the services sooner rather than after the teacher figures it out.

[Kaddidle Care]

Perhaps print this off and have it available by your sign out sheet for any of your PreK's. Hopefully she'll take it and her eyes will be opened.

http://www.scholastic.com/resources/article/ready-for-kindergarten

He sounds very much like a child we have who just plain couldn't handle PreK and is more comfortable playing with younger children.

Some of the problem is that somebody is doing everything for him. I know it can be quicker if Mom puts on the shoes, clothes, etc. but doing it for themselves is part of the learning process.

Babying a child helps no-one.

[cheerfuldom]

I think you already have your answer to this situation. You have put out some feelers with DCM and she is not concerned. If you keep pushing, 9 times out of 10, she will just leave and see you as being too pushy or as just plain out lying. Bringing up issues like this is very, very difficult even when a parent is receptive, and normally they aren't. I think I might ask what kinder he is going to and just give them a call and ask in a general way, what sort of evaluations are done for this age. That might help you figure out how far you want to push this issue. The social aspect is very likely due to the fact that he has not been engaged in conversations until you. Depending on where he was prior, he could have just been doing this since he was a small one. I have one special needs child here who's mom denied issues for a long time. Finally at almost 2 years old, this DCG is getting therapy and a variety of treatments. DCG is blossoming thank goodness but mom wasn't going to do a thing until she was good and ready so there was only so far I could push the issue here.

[daycare]

This is my first post here...so I haven't registered yet. Will do soon!

I've been watching a boy now that will be 5 this summer. It's been about 2 months since I've had him 3 days a week. Here are some things that I find very odd for his age...(I have a son his same age, and a nephew and several of their friends to compare to)

-won't interact with me on a personal level. I have to physically hold his shoulders and make eye contact to get him to answer any questions I ask him.
- when he does answer my questions, it's with answers that don't make any sense "DKB, did you do anything fun with your mom last night?" ...his answer "I don't". he answers "I don't" to almost everything I ask.
- he ocassionally wets his pants during nap time
- he can't put his own shoes on, or take them off (flip flops...yes....velcro shoes, no)
- last week I asked him to put his bathing suit on (first time I've had him do this)...I found him trying to put it on over his underwear, upside down so the bottom of the leg hole was the waist (remember, he's almost 5).
- he seems to be in "pretend world" most of the day. he has a great imagination, which is wonderful....but again...I can't get him to talk to me. He'll say things when he needs to like "i'm done with lunch", "can I have a drink", " I have to go potty"....but will NOT have a conversation with me about anything beyond the basics.
- he follows directions very well, but just won't allow any "normal" communication with me.
- his hands seem shaky to me and his movements kind of jerky sometimes. although he can run, jump swing, climb, etc...it seems to be more the fine motor things that are iffy.
-he can't hold a crayon correctly, won't let me help him learn...and is not even close to coloring in the lines.

something is just 'off' with this boy. I asked his mom the first week he was here if it was normal for him to not talk to new people...it's like I talk to him or try to engage him and he looks right past me like I don't even exist. She just shrugged her shoulders and said he's been like that lately, and has had a lot of changes in his life (she just re-married), new apartment, etc. I have a feeling she's not the most attentive.

I worry that she is sending him to Kindergarten next year. He's going to get chewed up and spit out....and I see him struggling big time. I think he should be evaluated...and at least be put into young 5's. Do I say something out of concern? If so- how can this be done without offending mom? Or, do I just keep quiet and hope he has a good teacher next year who will bring up these concerns?

Is this the first time the boy has been in a Daycare?
It is possible that mom/dad or other care takers in his life cater to his every need.

My niece is 4.5, she can not hold a conversation, she is not potty trained, she can not draw anything, she has never been out of the house, other than to a few family parties.
I asked my SIL to bring her to my DC, talk about a nightmare.

She also can not do anything independently, NOTHING!
She cant share, wont sit for any length of time and so on.

Do I think there is something wrong with her? Maybe, however, this child has never had any form of social interaction with anyone other than her family members. She watches a ton of TV there for has very little verbal skills. She talks as though she were two.

She does not make eye contact when you talk to her and will only repeat lines from movies when you do ask her simple questions...like what are you doing.

I feel that if she was given the chance to be in a normal social setting with children her own age, all of that would change. BUt until then, it seems as though something with her does not click right.

I would not say anything to a parent ever that there is something wrong with their child. You are not a doctor and able to diganois a child.

I think it would be best to keep good records and share them with the parents. I give out weekly reports on friday. This way the parent can see what the child is doing and decide if they would like to do something about it.

I think one of the hardest things about DC is that once those children walk out the door with the parents there is not really anything we can do.

It really sounds like you care about this child and you are trying to help, but I think it would bite you in the butt if you tried to tell someone something is wrong with their child.

The only thing you can do is love this child and continue to show them the way. Once the child gets to school, the school will demand that the child be evaluated if necessary.

Hang in there and good luck.

[grandmom]

Let the school do this. They will have therapists all over him. Then he will get the help he needs. And you won't be the bad guy for pointing out his issues. Since you have been in child care for so short a time, mom may see you as not having enough knowledge or training to make these statements. The school has folks trained to make these assessments and to talk with her.

If the boy was 2 or 3, then I'd advocate you have him tested somehow. But he's too close to school already. Nothing will happen between now and September even if he is tested.

Good luck.

[countrymom]

I have a boy that does exhibits almost all of that behavior, guess what, his parents don't care, sad I know but they pretend that nothing is wrong.

[Ariana]

Unless you have the qualifications and education to make a diagnosis I wouldn't be making any comments. I would likely refer a parent to the appropriate people but certainly wouldn't be making any diagnosis myself because you really don't know.

I usually refer kids to a free speech screening program we have here and that usually gets the ball rolling, even if my numer one concern isn't language!