Dealing With Parents

[Ariana]

I'm new here and stumbled upon this site while googling for help with my situation! I would appreciate any advice that you might have.

I've been taking care of 2 children aged 2.5 and 5 years since January and the kids are part-time and are sisters. I am finding that the mom is very negligent with her children and it's really stressing me out. They frequently come with unbrushed hair, innapropriate clothes for the weather, clothes that are too small and in general they look very unkempt. The 5 year old wears high heels (and we go to the park every day!). I told the mother that one of the girls has a phlegmy cough and she immediately suspected my poodle and now gives her Claritin every day and didn't even have her tested by an allergist. I told her that it's not the dog because it comes and goes and seems to be worse after her 4 days at home with her. Obviously she ignored me and chose Claritin instead. This is just a small list of my issues I have with her. They're not poor and both parents work, they live in a big house with a fancy car.

How do you let go and not be angry with the mom or try to solve the kids problems? I care a lot about these kids and can't stand that I seem to care more than she does. I always have to redress them and comb their hair etc. but should I be doing that? is that my job as a DCP? :confused:

[wdmmom]

No, you shouldn't be doing that and no, it's not your job as a provider.

I have it specifically documented in my handbook that children must come in ready for the day...bathed, teeth brushed, hair combed and dressed appropriately including shoes.

It sounds like you have a few different situations going on. It's best to address one at a time.

Tell DCM that the children must be ready for the day...meaning dressed appropriately, hair combed, etc. More than likely you will see this change for the first week then everything will go back to the same. Parents find it easier to drag their kids out of bed and go in the morning. The less interaction, the better. I would just tell DCM that you go on outings daily and that the children need to in appropriate shoes. That's probably the only fight you will win with that whole ordeal.

The phlegmy type cough and suspected allergies to your dog...probably not something I would worry about...unless she's coughing on everything or other symptoms accompany it. If they do, request they take her to the doctor and tell DCM that you will need a note stating the child's diagnosis and before she can return to daycare.

If after talking to the family you don't see any changes, it may be best to terminate services.

[Michael]

Welcome to the forum Ariana!

[Ariana]

wdmmom I have it written in my contract that the children be dressed ready for play and then specifics as to type of clothes etc. Then when summer came I sent a note home reiterating what needed to come with them like sun hats and sunscreen. It took her 3 weeks to provide sunhats and sunscreen!! I had to use my own daughters hats and our sunscreen because I felt bad letting them go out without it.

I had this same problem with another parent and let her go within my 6 wk "trial period". I'm beginning to wonder if all parent are like this? I hate constantly reminding parents how to be parents kwim?

[Ariana]

Welcome to the forum Ariana!

Thanks Michael

[Mike Lassiter]

wdmmom I have it written in my contract that the children be dressed ready for play and then specifics as to type of clothes etc. Then when summer came I sent a note home reiterating what needed to come with them like sun hats and sunscreen. It took her 3 weeks to provide sunhats and sunscreen!! I had to use my own daughters hats and our sunscreen because I felt bad letting them go out without it.

I had this same problem with another parent and let her go within my 6 wk "trial period". I'm beginning to woonder if all parent are like this? I hate constantly reminding parents how to be parents kwim?

Keep in mind that many parents don't know how to be parents. Many of today's parents where spoiled as kids by their "parents" who also where not parents. Most of you know parents give into their kids to keep from having to deal with the monsters they create. It is so much easier to be their buddy and allow them to do as they please. Then they become grownups that don't have the life skills they need to survive and prosper own their own. They think being the parent is letting their kids do like they got to as kids. It's the only thing they know because that was how they were raised.
Struggles with finances and managing their business was also how their parents lived - so they think everything is ok. Living just like mom and dad. Now, mom and dad would do different if they could do over because NOW they have had years to see what they did wrong or didn't do at all.
IMO, if parents would be parents and teach their children the things they need to know in order to make their way into the world many things that are problems would go away.
You need to teach children respect, fear of consequences for lack of respect. How to keep their house in order (cleaning,cooking,washing,taking care of what they have) how to love and be a family, how to manage money, how to save money, to learn a skill that someone will pay you for to allow you to live a comfortable life style.
I've left out much, but typing on cell phone and going blind trying to read this.::

[wdmmom]

I would issue all reminders...verbally and in writing on Mondays and tell them that you expect to have the items or for them to comply by Friday. No exceptions. (Make a little note and give it to them at pick up on Mondays. That gives them 3 days to fall into line or fall out and stay home.)

If they bring their children to you in high heels, tell the parent dropping off that they aren't dressed appropriately for a walk to the park and either they'll cough up other shoes or they can go back home to get them. Turn them away at the door once and I guarantee either they won't come back or they will follow your rules.

Time to see what your backbone is made of.

[countrymom]

Keep in mind that many parents don't know how to be parents. Many of today's parents where spoiled as kids by their "parents" who also where not parents. Most of you know parents give into their kids to keep from having to deal with the monsters they create. It is so much easier to be their buddy and allow them to do as they please. Then they become grownups that don't have the life skills they need to survive and prosper own their own. They think being the parent is letting their kids do like they got to as kids. It's the only thing they know because that was how they were raised.
Struggles with finances and managing their business was also how their parents lived - so they think everything is ok. Living just like mom and dad. Now, mom and dad would do different if they could do over because NOW they have had years to see what they did wrong or didn't do at all.
IMO, if parents would be parents and teach their children the things they need to know in order to make their way into the world many things that are problems would go away.
You need to teach children respect, fear of consequences for lack of respect. How to keep their house in order (cleaning,cooking,washing,taking care of what they have) how to love and be a family, how to manage money, how to save money, to learn a skill that someone will pay you for to allow you to live a comfortable life style.
I've left out much, but typing on cell phone and going blind trying to read this.::

you are so right and couldn't have said it better.

[LittleD]

I had a parent like that. (several in fact) I always kept my children's smaller things in case of emergency, and I write a seasonal newsletter reminding the parents what they need to have for their child. Then I put reminders in their bag, or pinned to their jacket or just handed to the parents with a verbal reminder that these items are important and need to come with the child. Turning them away at the door I only had to do twice with this particular parent. Your kid can't come to daycare with no diapers, I don't have extras!!

[Meeko]

Keep in mind that many parents don't know how to be parents. Many of today's parents where spoiled as kids by their "parents" who also where not parents. Most of you know parents give into their kids to keep from having to deal with the monsters they create. It is so much easier to be their buddy and allow them to do as they please. Then they become grownups that don't have the life skills they need to survive and prosper own their own. They think being the parent is letting their kids do like they got to as kids. It's the only thing they know because that was how they were raised.
Struggles with finances and managing their business was also how their parents lived - so they think everything is ok. Living just like mom and dad. Now, mom and dad would do different if they could do over because NOW they have had years to see what they did wrong or didn't do at all.
IMO, if parents would be parents and teach their children the things they need to know in order to make their way into the world many things that are problems would go away.
You need to teach children respect, fear of consequences for lack of respect. How to keep their house in order (cleaning,cooking,washing,taking care of what they have) how to love and be a family, how to manage money, how to save money, to learn a skill that someone will pay you for to allow you to live a comfortable life style.
I've left out much, but typing on cell phone and going blind trying to read this.::

So, so true Mike.

I was just saying the other day that today's children do not learn consequences and are therefore unprepared for life. Many don't even know how to say please and thank you.

Their parents are conditioned to believe that saying no or demanding respect from their kids is bordering on abusive. I am sad to say that in general the toddlers of today are parent-trained to become spoiled, self-centered brats. NOT their fault.....but their parents. And the scary thing is those same kids will be the ones making the decisions that affect us when we become senior citizens......

[Ariana]

Thanks so much everyone for weighing in! I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment that todays parents are just so lazy and let their kids do whatever they please with no rules. Just today one of the kids mentioned how there are a lot more rules at daycare than at her own house...and I consider myself pretty laid back

Hmmmm I will have to think about how to approach the situation because this person is also a neighbour and my daughter is friends with them so I don't want to create bad blood between us. I'm going to mention the high heels and let the DCM know they're not appropriate for daycare and that she needs to come prepared for playing at the park.

I think it really helps to talk with other DCP's!! I am liking this forum alot already

[nannyde]

Thanks so much everyone for weighing in! I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment that todays parents are just so lazy and let their kids do whatever they please with no rules. Just today one of the kids mentioned how there are a lot more rules at daycare than at her own house...and I consider myself pretty laid back

Hmmmm I will have to think about how to approach the situation because this person is also a neighbour and my daughter is friends with them so I don't want to create bad blood between us. I'm going to mention the high heels and let the DCM know they're not appropriate for daycare and that she needs to come prepared for playing at the park.

I think it really helps to talk with other DCP's!! I am liking this forum alot already

There's really not too much you can do or say that's going to be an easy conversation and taken well by them. No matter how you word it they are going to get a NO and they aren't going to like it.

If you tell them the kid can't come in heels that will be a no. It's the easiest no because it is pretty easy to attach the reasoning to a safety issue.

The rest of it is a no she is NOT going to like. You have to brush out your kids hair... you have to dress them in easy on clothes that fit.... you have to make sure they are clean.....

That stuff isn't going to fly. She has the means to do it and she only has two kids so she is NOT doing it FOR A REASON. She does not want to.

So the easiest out is to have some simple clothes in your house that you can switch them into when they arrive and switch back into their clothes right before they leave. Buy some shoes to keep at your house and some socks.

Do the work of finding clothes that fit, washing and drying them, storing them, etc. Do the work of dressing, combing, cleaning them when they get there.

OR

tell the Mom something that is going to make her angry AND leave EVERY SINGLE day up for grabs.

Does this outfit fit? Do these shoes fit? Does the velcro on the shoes work? Is her hair combed enough?

Every part of it that she's not doing will be a possible discussion every single day. You will get a lot of "she wouldn't let me brush her hair"... "she wanted to wear THIS princess shirt"... "the shoes DO fit... the lady at the shoe store said they do".

If you want the money on these kids you are going to have to do the work or be prepared to hear an adult every day come up with reasons why she didn't do the right thing and how what she did was right after all.

Keep in mind that the mom knows the shoes aren't appropriate. She knows the kids hair isn't done. She knows the clothes don't fit. She knows she's not bringing the supplies she needs to.

She's fully aware of ALL of these things every day. She's telling you that she will do as she pleases and you will deal or she will just find someone else who will deal.

[cheerfuldom]

agree with all nanny said. Since you have had the girls for awhile, she assumes you don't care either and she is happy to let you do the caretaking and thinks that is part of what she pays you for.

[SimpleMom]

IF it's a major concern you could call Child Protection.
You could try talking to her--sounds like you have.
You could just do your best to give them a super fun and clean environment while with you.--that might be all you can do. You can only control you. Not the parents.

I would let the parents know they need to bring socks and tennis shoes for the girls--either to keep at daycare or bring everyday if she wants to play at the park. (all my families know I require that and I have had NO problems there). You could even find a pair at a garage sale or something to keep on hand at daycare. I have a bunch of extra shoes here that I've collected over the years to use when needed. I don't have enough for the whole lot, so I always require some from home. then is someone forgets I(it happens) I have some here.

You could have the child sit and not play at the park if they don't bring in shoes.

Hope it starts looking up for you!! It's tough when you have a family that neglects the care of their children. Those children are lucky to have you

[Ariana]

nannyde I think you're right on with what you're saying. She makes excuses all the time. Blames a LOT of stuff on her husband like "he bought her the shoes and they're too small"...uhhhh bring them back and exchange them?? Obviously it's a lie and she just doesn't want to deal with it. She KNOWS what she's doing...you're absolutely right!!

I have thought a lot about just buying the supplies and having it here but my husband says it's not my job. He just doesn't understand how it impacts my day when they're not dressed properly.