New Child - Worrier/Food Issues

[Unregistered]

I just started a new child and feel I am cursed. I typically have 5 in care and whenever I agree to take a 6th child I get a anxiety ridden worrier. Kid has been in care 7 days today. Will not eat, cries everytime we get to the table, "I'm not hungry." "I dont like this stuff." "I feel sick." "I'm not supposed to drink milk." etc. Today she almost puked at the table. Something I have delt with before in these types of kids. I am very paitent but I am wondering if its easier to just get tough and say. "Two bites." and end the discussion. Every other child tries 2 bites and NOBODY COMPLAINS but now they are starting to do what she does. I am struggling with being gentle, overly paitent and getting her comfortable and then teaching her the rules or just getting right to business and showing her the ropes.

Additionally, this child is obsessed with what is happening next. Are we going to take a nap today? "I don't like naps. I have nightmares." "Im not tired." Etc. "When is my mom coming? When is my off day?" "where are you going?" etc. She doesn't want to wash hands after going to the bathroom, doesn't want to line up with the other kids, doesn't want to clean up, doesn't wait to go outside.

I understand she is getting into the routine of the day but I don't want her to develop bad habits either thinking she doesn't have to follow the rules the other kids do.

The rest of my group is very strong personalities so this one is having trouble during play time too. If the other kids don't do exactly what she wants, how she wants (except that she won't actually use her words and tell them anything) she will just cry or pout on the couch.

Does anyone else think its just a matter of lottery that after 5 kids I am always going to get a nervous nelly or does anyone have any ideas on what to do?

[cheerfuldom]

Get her right into the routine. It almost sounds like she is looking for things to fight you on, testing the limits and finding that you are putting up with stuff. Don't change the rules for her. It doesn't sound like anything you are expecting is unreasonable. Also don't forget to pay a lot of attention to the kids that ARE behaving so they are all learning that bad behavior gets nothing.

[Live and Learn]

Get her right into the routine. It almost sounds like she is looking for things to fight you on, testing the limits and finding that you are putting up with stuff. Don't change the rules for her. It doesn't sound like anything you are expecting is unreasonable. Also don't forget to pay a lot of attention to the kids that ARE behaving so they are all learning that bad behavior gets nothing.

what she said

[nannyde]

I just started a new child and feel I am cursed. I typically have 5 in care and whenever I agree to take a 6th child I get a anxiety ridden worrier. Kid has been in care 7 days today.

Be careful to not confuse anxiety with control.


Will not eat,
Cool. One less to have at the table. Just have her go play during meals

cries everytime we get to the table,
Have her go play while you are eating.

"I'm not hungry."
Cool. Go play toys

"I dont like this stuff."
excellent. Go play toys

"I feel sick."
You need to go lie down and have a nap.

"I'm not supposed to drink milk."
no milk just water

Today she almost puked at the table.
go lie down and have a nap

Something I have delt with before in these types of kids. I am very paitent but I am wondering if its easier to just get tough and say. "Two bites." and end the discussion. Every other child tries 2 bites and NOBODY COMPLAINS but now they are starting to do what she does.

She sees your kindness as weakness. Start being firm and focus on what YOU want her to do. For me.. that is GO PLAY TOYS.

I am struggling with being gentle, overly paitent and getting her comfortable and then teaching her the rules or just getting right to business and showing her the ropes.

Seven days is enough for her to get that you are the boss of her. She needs to get to playin.

Additionally, this child is obsessed with what is happening next.

If she names it she claims it. NO discussions about anything but what she is to do RIGHT NOW... which is.... dah dah dah dah... GO PLAY TOYS

Are we going to take a nap today?
go play toys

"I don't like naps.
go play toys

I have nightmares."
sweet... now go play toys

"Im not tired." Etc.
excellent. lie down and be not tired.

"When is my mom coming?
go play toys

When is my off day?"
go play toys

"where are you going?" etc.
go play toys

She doesn't want to wash hands after going to the bathroom,
wash your hands right now

doesn't want to line up with the other kids,
get in line right now

doesn't want to clean up,
you get to clean the whole room by yourself if you don't do your share.

doesn't wait to go outside.
take a blanket and have her lie down outside.

I understand she is getting into the routine of the day but I don't want her to develop bad habits either thinking she doesn't have to follow the rules the other kids do.
She thinks she doesn't have to follow the rules and you are going to ENGAGE her while she doesn't.


The rest of my group is very strong personalities so this one is having trouble during play time too. If the other kids don't do exactly what she wants, how she wants (except that she won't actually use her words and tell them anything) she will just cry or pout on the couch.
YOU are an excellent pouter. Stay right there on that couch and get your pout on.


Does anyone else think its just a matter of lottery that after 5 kids I am always going to get a nervous nelly or does anyone have any ideas on what to do

No. You just ran into the one who rules. Take the job from her and she will settle down. She's just flailing around with her behavior. She's a kid. She doesn't know how to handle being the boss so let her take a demotion and be a kid.

[Blackcat31]

NAN~

I agree with everything you said in the above post but what about the other kids who see this newbie going off to play instead of eating and then they all want to go play too? Do you just let them all choose to skip lunch? I am assuming they will all catch on pretty quick and realize they are missing lunch and not want to go play after a few days of making the "wrong" choice but if that is the way you would go, doesn't that make for an awful lot of upheaval every time a new kid starts?

Also what do you do about the kid who chooses to only eat on days when the food is good (i.e. chicken nugget, pizza, mini corn dogs) but then skips on the days when the grub is not so good?

I know all your kiddos eat and you have a slightly different menu than me as far as the food you offer so I guess I am asking what should I do when the above happens? Wouldn't really seem fair that a kid can pick and choose to eat only when the stuff offered is the fun stuff...kwim?

[cheerfuldom]

I agree with what nanny said in not engaging her. Even if she is eventually obeying, engaging her in discussion and explanation is still giving her some control which is not helping the situation. Keep your answers to her short and sweet.

[Country Kids]

There is no way I would tell a child to go play with toys when I'm trying to get them to do something with the group. Everyone else would want to go play to and then the riot would start. What I do is ignore the child-in fact did that today. When she saw she wasn't getting her way she immediately wanted to join the group. She had already missed something we did but we just moved on-don't be a turtle because I won't stop and backtrack for a child. Fine, you don't want to eat but you will sit with the group. You don't want milk thats fine but can't serve you anything else till I have a note from the doctor. You will need to sit right with me and not touch anything till you wash your hands. Don't want to nap, to bad everyone else does. Make it about what the group is wanting to do not her and if she doesn't want to do something have her right by your side the whole time till she gets bored and wants to participate.

[nannyde]

NAN~

I agree with everything you said in the above post but what about the other kids who see this newbie going off to play instead of eating and then they all want to go play too? Do you just let them all choose to skip lunch? I am assuming they will all catch on pretty quick and realize they are missing lunch and not want to go play after a few days of making the "wrong" choice but if that is the way you would go, doesn't that make for an awful lot of upheaval every time a new kid starts?

Also what do you do about the kid who chooses to only eat on days when the food is good (i.e. chicken nugget, pizza, mini corn dogs) but then skips on the days when the grub is not so good?

I know all your kiddos eat and you have a slightly different menu than me as far as the food you offer so I guess I am asking what should I do when the above happens? Wouldn't really seem fair that a kid can pick and choose to eat only when the stuff offered is the fun stuff...kwim?

I don't do any kind of kiddy food. I never serve nuggets, pizza, fries etc. so I wouldn't have that here. My bet is that she is eating a fully treat based diet at home... of nuggets, bread, and sweets. For drinks she's most likely having Sunny D kind of kool aid drinks. She's most likely living in snack world with whatever processed foods that are stand ins for regular meals like lunchables and toaster foods.

The behavior she is having with a near perfect stranger adult shows me that she has a bad diet. Instead of being picky she's most likely the one who gets to pick.

The idea is to take the energy out of her revulsion and pickiness. If she wants to show that behavior then she can do it on her own. She won't go play anyway... she will sit at a spot where she can get the best view... with one toy in her hand... and STARE at the whirling serving adult and the kids sitting in wait for their grub.

She needs TIME to watch the crew eat. She needs to see day after day how a group of human babies converge and eat food together. It's our human nature to eat in groups... to share food... to share the fellowship of a good meal. She's a human baby and she WILL get that she is SUPPOSED to go eat with her kind... but

you have to have TIME to reach her in that way. The only way to speed up the process is to take her antisocial selfish behavior OUT of the way so her true little human baby self can come to the surface.

So she sits away for a few weeks and every now and then give her a little wink and a nod and let her know she COULD come and just sit with you if she ever wanted to.

Then get her to just SIT.... close up and personal ... watch...

then offer her a little sompin sompin on a little plate ... with a little cup... or something off of YOUR plate.

When she pulls away then let her back to her viewing spot.

Soon enough she will be back with the crew.

Start with a little and add onto it over a period of a few weeks. Eventually she will want to BE with the kids and then DO what they do but it's going to take TIME because you are deconstructing her unstable mindset.

If the other kids try to copy tell them NO. Tell them they are to do as they always do. They need to get used to her unstable mindset too. Best they have to do that from afar in the begining.

By the time she DOES join them she will be more stable and be more entrenched into the group in the OTHER ways of being with a group of kids. She can't "get" the "eat together" until she gets the "play together". Once the play together gets worked out she will want to join them in meals too.

It's about the GROUP meal not HER meal. It's been that way since the begining of time and she's flesh and bone human just like the rest of it. If you do it right and give it time she will see that and want that.

[nannyde]

There is no way I would tell a child to go play with toys when I'm trying to get them to do something with the group. Everyone else would want to go play to and then the riot would start. What I do is ignore the child-in fact did that today. When she saw she wasn't getting her way she immediately wanted to join the group. She had already missed something we did but we just moved on-don't be a turtle because I won't stop and backtrack for a child. Fine, you don't want to eat but you will sit with the group. You don't want milk thats fine but can't serve you anything else till I have a note from the doctor. You will need to sit right with me and not touch anything till you wash your hands. Don't want to nap, to bad everyone else does. Make it about what the group is wanting to do not her and if she doesn't want to do something have her right by your side the whole time till she gets bored and wants to participate.

Did you see this part?

Today she almost puked at the table.

That is a HUMUNGEOUS red flag that this is a very unbalanced kid. This has to be handled right.

It's not fair to the other kids to be up close and personal with her when she's this unsteady. It needs to be done gradually.

[nannyde]

And OP

Ask the Mom to make a list of her favorite foods. She'll tell you she is picky. Tell her "oh I heard about that".

Ask her to tell you what little Missy's favorite meat and vegetables are. Don't discuss fruit, grains, or milk products. JUST meat and vegetables.

[Country Kids]

Did you see this part?

Today she almost puked at the table.

That is a HUMUNGEOUS red flag that this is a very unbalanced kid. This has to be handled right.

It's not fair to the other kids to be up close and personal with her when she's this unsteady. It needs to be done gradually.

It wasn't just about her eating it is about her whole day. I don't believe in analysing or babying a child. You either mesh with the group or your going to be very lonely just sitting there because the other kids aren't going to pay you a second glance if you don't want to be part of the group.

Also I don't have time to do all the stuff you talk about nan because I'm a one person show and have a group of children to look after not just one because I don't have a helper to rely on through the day.

[nannyde]

It wasn't just about her eating it is about her whole day. I don't believe in analysing or babying a child. You either mesh with the group or your going to be very lonely just sitting there because the other kids aren't going to pay you a second glance if you don't want to be part of the group.
Also I don't have time to do all the stuff you talk about nan because I'm a one person show and have a group of children to look after not just one because I don't have a helper to rely on through the day.

She doesn't want to be a part of the group. That's the sum total of her behavior.

She wants the provider to do HER every day all day.

She has to want to join the group and it's going to take time.

The method I use doesn't take extra work. It's not hard and it doesn't require two people.

Also... I don't have a helper by accident. I choose to operate that way. It's not something special that has been gifted upon me. It's a BIG business expense.

[Country Kids]

Back to the original post. I would just continue to run your childcare as you always have. If this one isn't going to work for you time to term. You are in control of your day and business not her, not us. We can all make suggestions on what we would do but in the end you need to do what is best for you and your children that you watch. This child almost sounds like she is a princess at home-did she come from another childcare?

[countrymom]

I'm sorry but I have to totally diagree with nanny. Letting a child go and choose whether or not she wants to eat is letting her have control of what goes on in a house. I don't care if a child doesn't want to eat but they will get to sit at the table with the rest of the kids. I too cannot watch children eating and a child playing by themselves in another room. And if I allowed that behaviour of every time a child doesn't want to eat my whole crew would be playing instead of eating.
as for the puking, she's probaby not use to eating real food, acually no one has told her that she has to eat so this is something new.
I also find it very unprofessional that all you do is tell the kids "go play toys" I'm sorry but as a parent and a provider I find this practise intolerable towards children. Do you ever talk to them. This child is new, this is a new place, new people, new set of rules. She is exhibiting anxiety by talking like this, she needs reassurance not be told to go and play with toys.

[Country Kids]

Get her right into the routine. It almost sounds like she is looking for things to fight you on, testing the limits and finding that you are putting up with stuff. Don't change the rules for her. It doesn't sound like anything you are expecting is unreasonable. Also don't forget to pay a lot of attention to the kids that ARE behaving so they are all learning that bad behavior gets nothing.

Yes! I didn't see this earlier when I posted