I Need Help - My Own Son

[KEG123]

I'm having issues right now coping with my three year old son and how he treats the other children. Mostly its the littler one we have problems with, mostly because he doesn't stand up for himself for fear of getting hurt by my son. (18 months). Basically, my son has been very pushy since having the daycare open. I know it's hard for him because he was never around other kids. Like, once in a blue moon really. But anyways, he's been really pushy, and sometimes hits or kicks. Not necessarily because he's mad or wants to hurt the other kids, he just doesn't know his boundaries I think. Doesn't know that it's not nice to hit or kick or push. I always tell him in a stern mommy voice "R, NO! Hitting is not nice. We do NOT hit." If he still keeps going, I set him in time out, but he ALWAYS gets up. Like, he thinks it's a joke. If I try to physically restrain him to keep him in the chair, he screams and kicks me. I've even resorted to spanking him quite a few times because I'm at such a loss. I never thought I'd spank him. Never. I feel horrible for it. The sad thing is, the spankings don't even phase him. He keeps going back to doing it again 20 minutes later.

Another thing, semi-related. When we go outside he does NOT listen to me. I have the yard mostly child proofed, but there is one or two areas I prefer he not be in. I tell him over and over to not go to those areas. He does NOT listen. Outside time gets cut short very often. Heck, the 18 month old listens better than him!

So really I don't know what I'm asking. Some advice or something to keep me going. To not throw in the towel. To know that this is just a phase and once he realizes this behavior is not acceptable, that it will stop.

Sometimes I just want to cry. Especially when I start thinking about October when my newbie will be here and more of my attention will be focused there.

[daycare]

I'm having issues right now coping with my three year old son and how he treats the other children. Mostly its the littler one we have problems with, mostly because he doesn't stand up for himself for fear of getting hurt by my son. (18 months). Basically, my son has been very pushy since having the daycare open. I know it's hard for him because he was never around other kids. Like, once in a blue moon really. But anyways, he's been really pushy, and sometimes hits or kicks. Not necessarily because he's mad or wants to hurt the other kids, he just doesn't know his boundaries I think. Doesn't know that it's not nice to hit or kick or push. I always tell him in a stern mommy voice "R, NO! Hitting is not nice. We do NOT hit." If he still keeps going, I set him in time out, but he ALWAYS gets up. Like, he thinks it's a joke. If I try to physically restrain him to keep him in the chair, he screams and kicks me. I've even resorted to spanking him quite a few times because I'm at such a loss. I never thought I'd spank him. Never. I feel horrible for it. The sad thing is, the spankings don't even phase him. He keeps going back to doing it again 20 minutes later.

Another thing, semi-related. When we go outside he does NOT listen to me. I have the yard mostly child proofed, but there is one or two areas I prefer he not be in. I tell him over and over to not go to those areas. He does NOT listen. Outside time gets cut short very often. Heck, the 18 month old listens better than him!

So really I don't know what I'm asking. Some advice or something to keep me going. To not throw in the towel. To know that this is just a phase and once he realizes this behavior is not acceptable, that it will stop.

Sometimes I just want to cry. Especially when I start thinking about October when my newbie will be here and more of my attention will be focused there.

I went through this as well and I just made sure to love and love and love on him when he was seeking attention in this way. it has to be hard for him to all of a sudden share everything in his life. His mommy, toys, house, private space and so on. It will take time and he will het used to it. When he resorts to hitting, grab his hands and tell him nice hands please, show me your lovely nice hands and give him something to play with.

He is going to keep doing all he can until he gets his mommy back, but you just have to let him know that you still love him and that will never change.

also, dont try to force him into the group and make him do the things that they are doing as well. I made this miskate and found myself fighting him all the time. He didn't ask for you to do daycare, you made that decision for him. Give him some of his own private space in the house that the other kids cannot touch or enter. At nap time put the other kids down first and get in some alone time with him before youo put him down for his nap. I hope things gegt better soon...sorry to hear this

[KEG123]

Thanks for the advice. One day last week he was acting up particularly bad, so I gated off the livingroom and gave him some toys to play alone. He was fine, in fact he really enjoyed the alone time, although the other kids did wonder why he was playing alone. I think being able to set up a private area is good, where he doesn't have to share those particular toys at that particular moment.

And I do put the other kids to sleep before him. I sit with him and read a story normally. Then take him upstairs to bed while everyone is sleeping in the livingroom (right by my stairs) drop him off and come back down.

Another thing is that he does enjoy having the kids here. The one little boy he asks about all evening and all weekend, wondering where he is. So he does LIKE them, he just doesn't share so well and doesn't know how to respond when another kid has a toy he wants.

Eta: I'm glad you also went through this. It gives me hope. I know it'll take some time to adjust. This is only the 4th week I've been open. He's just getting used to it, and I have to help him.

[daycare]

my son is the same age and same way. I have been doing daycare for a long time, but took a year and half off when he was born. So he was about 18months when I started again. He hated it at first, but then would also wake up on a saturday asking where is johnny why not here.

its really hard for the kids to understand DC rules and then everyday "our house" rules. I have also learned NOT to negoiate with him. I do require him to follow most of the DC rules, but he does not like to sing, so during singing time I allow him to go to the front room and play. I can still see him and he has his own space. The other kids cannot go in that area and play with those toys. If my son takes them into the DC room then they become free game...

[ammama]

My DD (2.5) needs her alone time as well. She is used to dayhome (it's all she has ever known), but still, she needs time in her own space. I keep her room (and her older sisters) off limits to dck's. She is allowed to go upstairs whenever she likes, but the dck's very rarely go up there (only if we are stuck inside for days on end in the winter, and need a bit of a change of scenery). The dck's all ask why she is allowed to go and not them, and I just tell them that it is her bedroom, and it is only for her. I've never had to explain it more than that.

[KEG123]

Thanks. As far as my son and his behaviour, today I'm going to make a pact with myself. No yelling, no spanking, and do my best to explain to him why we do not hit, etc. If he continues I will put him in a separate room to play. I can't normally just send him upstairs to his room to play, but it might be an option. I think part of my frustration comes from my own stress. Perhaps I've been taking it out on him somwhat?

I'm also going to look into a cheap deer fence so I don't have to constantly yell at him to get out of certain areas of the yard.

[Lilbutterflie]

Keg, I feel as if I could have written your post myself about 6 months ago. Things still aren't perfect, but he has improved a lot. He's 3 yrs 3 months, so his problems started at about 2.5.

I made a pact to spend more time with him & to love on him, b/c I knew a lot of his acting out was to get my attention.

He also has a temper and doesn't know how to deal with his anger (Thanks DH!); so the biggest part of his outbursts comes from learning how to deal with his problems by using his words and not to scream, yell, hit or push the dck's. It took a lot of telling him the words to use in each situation so that he doesn't go into an outburst. He still has his bad days, but I think we are finally making progress!

I'm not super consistent with it, but I also use the 1-2-3 Magic system with him. The times I use it for are mostly for his arguing and whining. If you haven't read the book, I do recommend it.

[Sunshine44]

I haven't read the other responses, but it sounds like you need to take control back. Sounds like he feels like these kids are on his territory and they are. When I started doing daycare from my home, my daughter was 1.5ish and she didn't take it well. Up until the last 6 months or so it was awful, almost made me want to quit. She was a biter and I felt hopeless. Anyway, her doctor and some other homedaycare friends helped me come up with a 'solution' of sorts.

Find out when he is hitting/pushing and getting upset. If you know when, you can probably figure out why. My daughter got really upset when the babies or other kids would try to take her toys, or tear down what she was building.

I gave her a space that was just for her...her room was off limits to all daycare kids so she knows now (she's almost 3) that if someone is bothering her, she can take her toy to her room. When she was younger, this wasn't an option because she couldn't be trusted alone in the other room (in my eyes) so I got a playyard type of things and set it up to where she could get in, but the other kids couldn't. If someone bothered her, she could get in her playyard and be alone. It stopped the biting and helped with most of her agression. Best thing I ever did.

[KEG123]

Keg, I feel as if I could have written your post myself about 6 months ago. Things still aren't perfect, but he has improved a lot. He's 3 yrs 3 months, so his problems started at about 2.5.

I made a pact to spend more time with him & to love on him, b/c I knew a lot of his acting out was to get my attention.

He also has a temper and doesn't know how to deal with his anger (Thanks DH!); so the biggest part of his outbursts comes from learning how to deal with his problems by using his words and not to scream, yell, hit or push the dck's. It took a lot of telling him the words to use in each situation so that he doesn't go into an outburst. He still has his bad days, but I think we are finally making progress!

I'm not super consistent with it, but I also use the 1-2-3 Magic system with him. The times I use it for are mostly for his arguing and whining. If you haven't read the book, I do recommend it.

Thanks I'm going to look into that book. I'm also very glad your son has improved!!