? For Long-Term Providers (Sorry So Long)

[Pammie]

I know bits and pieces of this issue have been discussed in various threads - but I need the opinion of those of you that have, like me, been in this business for 20+ years.

I'm much better able to deal with issues if I'm able to identify/label them, rather than just a "feeling" - so here goes:

Much has been discussed about dc parents that don't want to spend time with their children, don't want to miss days they've paid for, don't want to hear what problems their child has during the day, don't want to care for an ill child, etc.

Is this different for you than say 20 years ago when you first started daycare?

In my experience, parents of 10-20 years ago when I was early in my daycare career, looked at the daycare provider/parent relationship as a partnership. We worked together to provide the best possible childhood for their children. Parents cared about what triumphs their children had at daycare as well as the trial and tribulations their child had as well. I felt supported by the parents in what I tried to accomplish with their child during the days, and they knew without a doubt that I supported what they worked on at home with their children as well.

It seems that, with rare exception, most of my clients in the past 10 years take the view that they're paying me to do a job and don't want to hear anything other than "dcb had a great day" at the end of a day. They don't want to hear the accomplishments, and certainly don't want to hear about behavior/development concerns. They don't want to share what troubles dcb is having at home and don't want to hear ones that dcb has during the day. I personally think it's not helping the children.

I think it's the lack of continuity of a child's day between daycare and home that bothers me. Rather than seamless transitions into and out of daycare, it's like the child has two distinct lives - life at daycare and life at home. So even the child that has had repeated time-outs for hurting their peers at daycare, is rewarded with a trip to the playground or McDonalds at the end of the day. I feel the children are learning exactly what the parents are teaching them - that mom and dad don't care what you did when you were away from us. And from talking with teachers and guidance counselors, they're seeing the effects of this with their older students.

So part B of my question is: if you see this too, how to you deal with it?

I've learned that anything that I say to parents other than "dcb had a great day" only causes them to get angry and annoyed at me. Doesn't matter how I approach it, or document achievements/issues - anything that I report isn't considered important enough to take action on. Never has a parent stopped and thought, "maybe Pammie's right - maybe we should do <whatever>" Nope, it's just annoyance/attitude to me.

I've now been operating my daycare for 24 + years. I'm starting to question how much longer I can continue. I probably need to just change my mindset to match those of my paying clients to keep a paycheck - but intrinsically that seems wrong.

Am I alone in this struggle? Advice?

Thanks for reading

[nannyde]

I don't know too many ladies who have made it 24 years in this business so let me be the first to say that even though you may not feel appreciated in your day to day work... there are people out there who truly understand the kind of dedication and HARD work it takes to be successful for that long. I'm just finishing my 17th year and I KNOW what it takes to keep this going year after year after year.

So first... I say a blessing for Pammie. I want to tell you that as I sit here typing a note to you that I'm humbled by the idea that I "can" talk to you. I'm grateful that you are here... in this big wide internet world... where I can reach out and pat you on the back and sit at your feet for a lesson. YOU are the one who really KNOWS the history of this business. YOU are the one on the front lines watching society change. YOU are the one who can define those changes in a specific way that only comes from the EXPERIENCE of the incremental shifts. You can't get that in seven years or twelve. It's the TIME you have invested in this that tells the truth.

So what you know in your heart IS true. It's not your poor choice of parents. It's not something you could have weeded out. It's not something YOU are doing to bring these parents to you.

It's what parenting IS today. You are not misunderstanding it or taking it too personally. You are carrying the weight of it in both the care of the kids and the management of the parents. It's heavy and it may be too much.

The parents I work for today are all kind, loving, and generous people. They are the best group of parents a provider could ever ask for. The problem with them is that they are incredibly difficult to find. That's where you and I sit in this business. FINDING the needle in a hay stack parent is by FAR the most difficult thing to manage. Keeping them comes in a close second

As I sit with a child going to kindy in the fall.. I have to admit that I'm really wondering if I can replace her *parents* with people of quality like these two people. I feel less and less confident each year that it is even possible. That's a sad ackowledgement but it weighs on me heavily.

I know one thing for sure...... I will not go down the path of working for parents who behave badly and treat me with disrespect. I will not do it for the money. I would rather be poor.

I want to be surrounded by good parents. I want to learn from THEM. I want that easy relationship that comes with the ones who DO care and DO the hard work of parenting day after day. I want to ENJOY these little souls because they ARE my world. I want to raise good people... to raise good people..... to raise good people. If I can't do that as each year goes by then I have to find another gig.

[Cat Herder]

Q. Is this different for you than say 20 years ago when you first started daycare?

A. I could have written your post myself . This is my theory: I am not a sociologist or anthropologist, take it for what it is worth.

Parenting goals have changed in response to the Culture change. The main goal used to be to raise your child to contribute to society. The best words to describe our "Dream" child would have been Responsible, Thoughtful and Humble.

Todays kids are raised to have strong self esteem and courage. All education is geared toward preparing them with skills to obtain the "American Dream" for themselves.

In this mindset what makes them special is what sets them apart from their peers. To say a child "Meets" the requirements is perceived failure. They are expected to "Exceed" them.

Parents dreams for their children are no longer for the greater good. The best words to describe this "Dream" child would be Confident, Intelligent and Successful.

Once you accept it, it gets easier to cope with.


Q. So part B of my question is: if you see this too, how to you deal with it?

A. I make my program about providing a calm, supportive environment filled with awesome toys, great sleep, consistent routine, lot's of art/music supplies, affection and nourishing food.

It is all I can really control; the 10 hours a day the kids are in my care.

It is enough, though. I have had adult children whom I once kept tell me so by running up to me in the grocery store to hug my neck. I'll take that.

[Lucy]

Not 20+ years, but 17, going on 18. So I think I'll "sneak in" with an answer!

As far as their parenting style, I just have the mindset that I can't change anybody. It makes it so much easier on me if I just let it go. Yes, things irritate me at the time, but I never dwell on it. I just think, "oh well, that's their choice", and move on. (And vent here every once in awhile! LOL) I know that the child is extremely well cared for while in my care. That's all I can control, so I let that be the positive.

Disrespecting me is something different. If you're talking about a verbal bash on me or something like that - I won't tolerate it. I would stand up to it right then and there and make it clear I don't appreciate it. If you're talking about a passive-aggressive disrespect of my rules, it probably depends on the family and what type of relationship I have with them, and whether it's something they do often - or if this is the first time it has happened. It would also depend on the severity of what they did. So I can't be too specific because it really depends on a lot of circumstances. I just go with my gut and try my best not to let things get out of hand.

It seems you are mostly talking about people who seemingly don't give a damn about their child's day at DC. For those, as I said above, I just shrug my shoulders and shake my head and pretty much feel sorry for them and for their child, but really there isn't anything I can do to change it, so I leave it in their court, so to speak.

I doubt that helped you in any way, but those are my thoughts.

[youretooloud]

For me, it's been about the location. When I lived in a lower income neighborhood, the parents were more emotionally involved with their kids, but would not/could not miss work no matter how sick the kids were.

Now, I live in a higher income area, the parents seem much busier than 20 years ago, but can and will miss work for a sick child.

The thing I've noticed is that kids seem much more tired and much more stressed than they did 20 years ago. Not a week goes by that one or more of them aren't completely exhausted and frazzled when they come back. It's almost as if kids don't have any, or enough downtime.

[GG~DAYCARE]

I am in my 27th year of day care. I started doing day care as a way to stay home with my new daughter. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving her!! I have since had 4 more children and they all grew up with my day care kids.
My oldest is 27 and my youngest is 15. I will retire when my 15 yr old graduates from HS in 3 years. Once a child leaves (goes off to school) I am no longer replacing children. I am winding down!! My newest and last child to join my dc is 5 months old.
Now that you know a little about me here goes.....
When I first started dc I was young and didnt even have a contract. The parents I had were young too. We made the rules as we went along.
Now...well I have a contract and a wonderful group of parents who love and respect me and I them.
The biggest difference I see in DC today is that parents are too dang tired. It is much easier to allow a child to misbehave than it is to be consistant in discipline and rule setting. I see it in the morning and it is no better in the evening at pick up and these are the good parents!! LOL

[sharlan]

I quit my job at a major aerospace firm 27 yrs ago this month to provide daycare. I was one of those moms who just couldn't juggle both responsiblities. I've never regretted it.

I'm lucky in that 95% of my parents always treated me with respect. The ones who didn't, left quickly.

The major change that I've seen are the kids and parents are more exhausted.

I've seen more kids in the past 10 yrs put to bed with a tv on in their room, something I never saw before. Many kids are involved in several extra - curricular activities involving 3 or 4 days a week. I've seen a lot more fast food or tv type dinners, less cooking by the parents, less family time.

I also saw more lack of respect for the parents and others in authority. I always tell my parents, if you can't control them at 2, weighing 25 lbs, how do you think you're going to be able to control a 6 ft, 180 lb 16 yo? Control, discipline, and respect have to start in infancy. They need to learn the word no and what it means when you can still handle them.

Another change that I've seen is that more parents want to be "friends" with their children. I became friends with my daughters when they hit their 20's.

[Country Kids]

Parents today are under the impression I feel that if your child isn't involved in 100 other activities after school/childcare than you aren't a great parent or your child will not exceed in life. Another thing I have noticed is how many people take their children on lavious vacations or keep visiting places like Disneyland/world and they have already been there 5 times if not more. My children have never been there and I don't think financialy we can afford it. I told my kids/husband the other day how much I hate Walt Disney for starting something everyone couldn't afford. I said it out of frustration because I just can't stand to hear how many people are going but not us. Sorry for the vent-back to topic. I don't know of many people who just work 8-9 hours, pick up their children and go home for the evening anymore. I think children are acting out because there is no routine with once they leave childcare. I have the same schedule everyday but some of my kids still don't get the behavioral thing and I don't understand why-rules are the same here day after day and I have these children 9+ hours a day. I think we just all need to slow down, enjoy are lifes and not worry about the almighty dollar anymore. I think personally it would be the best for everyone.

[Pammie]

Thanks for all of your opinions! It's good (but also sad) to see that I'm not alone.

I agree that I need to get to the point that I can offer the dc kids a safe, calm, nurturing environment with rules and expectations during the time that they're with me - and let go of my stress about what happens with them outside of daycare. I've always had a holistic "whole child" approach to raising kids - and this compartmentalizing of time of a child's life by their parents - what the child does away from the parents isn't of concern to the parent - troubles me greatly.

One of my former dc kids is now a middle school teacher (remember I'm old) and stopped by to visit yesterday evening. He had just returned from taking a group of #177 8th grade students on a trip to Washington DC. On the way there, they stopped at the Gettysburg Museum/Battlefield and the ENTIRE group was thrown out because of the behavior of 2 of the students. Phone call to the parents of the offenders yielded ("What do you want me to do?" from both families). Then in DC, the group was at a monument with a balcony when a couple of the kids -8th graders - decided to start spitting on people below. Phone calls to those families yielded the same response. My daycare alumnus was furious with the situation that he as a teacher wasn't being supported by the parents of his students.

So I'm also concerned that these little toddlers and preschoolers that I have now that are learning that mom and dad don't care what they do at daycare, are going to be the same out of control kids when they get to middle school and beyond.

I just know it's not within my power to change people that don't want to change/don't see a problem. It's just difficult for me to let it go.

[countrymom]

I have to agree with every single response so far. I've started noticing that:
1.parents and kids are always tired
2.parents want kids in bed earlier and earlier
3.parents want to be friends with their children
4.its easier to let them do whatever they want then to deal with a problem
5.parents put themselves first before they put their children
6.always complain about their children
7.children know all the songs and words to tv shows (whats up with that)
8.kids are not allowed to be kids anymore
9.basic manners and skills are out the window
10.parents just don't care (maybe in some wierd way they do but on the surface they don't)

I have some moms who are girl guide leaders (really good friends) and last year we went to toronto which is 4.5 hours from my house. Well one of the girls (she was 7) got extremely sick on the bus ride down, heck she was sick when she arrived on the bus. But she got worse, that when they hit toronto she was sent to the hospital. And when they called her mom and dad, you know what they said-----"well send her home on the bus" so she spent a day and a half in the hospital by herself, what do you think of those parenting skills.

[boysx5]

I have been doing childcare for 16 years and I find that as the years go on parents are busy trying to get to the top keeping up with the Jones and signing their child up for every thing under the sun so they can grow up faster than they need to when all children really need is time with the parents. I find some of mine see their kids about two hours a day during the week and that includes the ride to my house. I think its not the parents fault per say but the crazy world we live in everything is always so rushed. I find my own life this way as well. I say let children be children

[Meeko]

It's been 25 years for me. And you are not alone. I look back to when I started day care and it's sad to see what has changed. Back then I was paid after I had provided care and never worried if the money was coming. Now I don't provide a minute of care without being paid first. My contract was short. Now it's pages long and the parents STILL try and find ways around things.

The kids I had back then were more respectful. Their parents demanded it. Now they don't. I still provide care the same way, but ideas on raising children have changed. Parents do not demand respect. They obey their kids instead. They look at me as if I am from Mars when talking about behavior expectations etc.

All we can do is do our best during the day. We cannot change what happens in the children's homes. I just try and let it go as much as I can. Here...we will be consistant. Here...we will insist on manners and kindness and sharing.

It's nice to know that I am not crazy and just getting old! Knowing that you all feel similarly helps a lot!

[DCMom]

It's nice to know that I am not crazy and just getting old! Knowing that you all feel similarly helps a lot!

This about sums it up for me! LOL

I've been doing childcare for 22 years agree with something in every single post. I also have been wondering how much longer I can do this with the changing landscape of childcare. So much more is expected from caregivers these days ~ parents, licensing, society in general ~ it's a lot of pressure and it's no wonder that providers don't stay in the business longer than a few years anymore.

Keep up the good work ladies, there are families out there that appreciate the 'old school' type of care that we provide

[MsMe]

I have only been in childcare for 7 years, I am 27 years old and I have no children of my own.

The only thing I can say for certain is childcare has more often shown me the type of Mother I don't want to be....than an example I would want to follow.

[kitkat]

Keep up the good work ladies, there are families out there that appreciate the 'old school' type of care that we provide

Ladies you would have LOVED me as a dcm! When DS was a baby (he's 6 now) and in daycare, I looked at his provider with so much respect and admiration and figured she knew WAAAYYY more about raising kids than I did, so if she told me something, I did it :: If I needed childcare now, I'd definitely want and "old school" provider like you guys!

Another thing I have noticed is how many people take their children on lavious vacations or keep visiting places like Disneyland/world and they have already been there 5 times if not more. My children have never been there and I don't think financialy we can afford it. I told my kids/husband the other day how much I hate Walt Disney for starting something everyone couldn't afford. I said it out of frustration because I just can't stand to hear how many people are going but not us. Sorry for the vent-back to topic. I don't know of many people who just work 8-9 hours, pick up their children and go home for the evening anymore. I think children are acting out because there is no routine with once they leave childcare. I have the same schedule everyday but some of my kids still don't get the behavioral thing and I don't understand why-rules are the same here day after day and I have these children 9+ hours a day. I think we just all need to slow down, enjoy are lifes and not worry about the almighty dollar anymore. I think personally it would be the best for everyone.

You must know my ex-brother-in-law :: I feel the same way.