Please Help Me Find My Backbone

[DaycareMama]

I have been caring for a DCB since birth and he's now 3.5 yo. I love this child to pieces but can no longer care for him for many reasons. Mostly behavior. Talking to DCD is no good because he has an excuse for every action. I need to term this child. I am so unhappy everyday and night. I dread him coming and I vent all night to my husband. Which has put a damper on "our life".

The very few days he is not here everything is so different. The other kids are actually so much happier and we have great days. I am also suddenly reminded how much I do love this job.

I dont know what to say to DCD. He is totally oblivious and encourages his childs behavior by turning misconduct into games for distraction. Whatever I say about why i need to term will be turned around to something im doing wrong or he just wont get it.

I have actually had other families leave cause this child is to much to handle and their affraid of his behavior rubbing off.

How do I do this without letting the dad blame me? I have dreamed about terming him since a month after I got him as a newborn. I have stuck it out as long as I could but I just cant do it anymore.

Any advice on what to say would be appreciated

Thanks

[Zoe]

If the other families are aware of just how awful this child's behavior is, then I wouldn't worry about how DCD will react. If he starts blaming you or talking about you to other people, they'll probably just ignore it. They know how wonderful you are!

I had to term a 2yo because he was making my life miserable. It affected how I was both in and out of daycare and even though I didn't want to upset the DCM or admit defeat, I felt so much better after he was gone. Good riddance!

Just term. I know it's easier said than done, but you don't even have to explain why. Don't give the DCD any ammo to blame you. Just write a letter stating that you can no longer require care. No explanation necessary. If he asks, tell him that you can no longer give him the care he requires. Leave it at that!

Good luck! It really sounds like this is something you have to do NOW. For your sanity as well as your family and your dcks.

[SimpleMom]

agreed. just term. Write a brief letter stating that as of this date_______services will no longer be provided for child_________.

If he demands an explanation give him a brief explanation. It's just not working out.

Tough to do, I know as I have had to do the same But NO REGRETS. Just hard to initiate.

[busymomof2]

I had a little girl who was a nightmare. She was younger than the other kids but was the bully- pulling hair, hitting, throwing. I tried working with the BM but she would just explain it away. If you have already discussed it with dad then term won't be a surprise. Just write him a letter stating the date of termination- usually 2 weeks notice. You don't have to get specific about why just cut and paste your termination policy. Mine states that I have the right to term immediately if the child's behavior is dangerous or destructive otherwise I will give 2 weeks notice. Let me tell you, when dcg was gone everybody including the other kids were thrilled. I was thinking about having a party but I thought it would send the wrong message.:: My huisband took me out to dinner instead

As for the back bone thing...I use to not have one either but you have to remember this is YOUR home YOUR business and YOU alone make the decisions NOT the parents...although they like to think so. Also Black Cat gave me the advice onne to think of everyone in the forum right there with you having your back. Good luck!

[Blackcat31]

I had a little girl who was a nightmare. She was younger than the other kids but was the bully- pulling hair, hitting, throwing. I tried working with the BM but she would just explain it away. If you have already discussed it with dad then term won't be a surprise. Just write him a letter stating the date of termination- usually 2 weeks notice. You don't have to get specific about why just cut and paste your termination policy. Mine states that I have the right to term immediately if the child's behavior is dangerous or destructive otherwise I will give 2 weeks notice. Let me tell you, when dcg was gone everybody including the other kids were thrilled. I was thinking about having a party but I thought it would send the wrong message.:: My huisband took me out to dinner instead

As for the back bone thing...I use to not have one either but you have to remember this is YOUR home YOUR business and YOU alone make the decisions NOT the parents...although they like to think so. Also Black Cat gave me the advice once to think of everyone in the forum right there with you having your back. Good luck!

That IS why we are all here right? to support each other.....

[wdmmom]

Sounds to me like he's outworn his welcome and in order for you to regain control and structure, he needs to go.

Have you tried talking to DCM? Does he have any structure or discipline at home? If not, you're fighting a losing battle.

I would provide a letter to the family today.

Due to some upcoming changes in the daycare, as of Friday, May 27, 2011, I will no longer be able to provide childcare services to your family. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for providing me with this opportunity for so long. I wish you all the best.

If they ask why, tell them you are downsizing and only accepting infants through 24 months OR, if you are bold enough, tell them the truth! ::::

[Lilbutterflie]

If you've dreamed of terming him since he was a newborn and he's 3.5 now; you've really made the last 3 years of your life much less ENJOYABLE for yourself AND your family AND your daycare family. Think of it this way; your life will be 100% more enjoyable in every way and all you have to do is write a very short and simple term letter.

Don't go into details. Just like the other pp said. If parents want an explanation, just say you have tried every available avenue to correct his behavior and you feel you are no longer able to provide the care he needs.

Don't worry about what they think, this is a business. Nothing personal.

YOU CAN DO IT! And you'll be so happy once you do!!

[Live and Learn]

#1) I have actually had other families leave cause this child is to much to handle and their affraid of his behavior rubbing off.

#2) How do I do this without letting the dad blame me?

#1) I know you already know this but you let this go way to far if you have let other good clients walk away from your business because you chose to not confront the situation.

#2) Chances are on some level dcd will blame you and you just need to get over that.... KWIM ?

Your happiness is worth more than his to you, your husband, and the rest of your family.

I mean this in the nicest possible way...::....you are totally crazy for letting this go on for so long...::::

Time to weed the garden. Good luck.

[PeanutsGalore]

Ditto what everyone else said...term! I just had to do this last night, so I'll be right there by your side while you have to do it. In spirit, anyway. But let me tell you, I feel so much better today. No more heart palpitations! And I bet my blood pressure is down too.....now, go do what you need to do! You only get one life. It's not worth living with stress every day.

[Mike Lassiter]

People have left you because of this child and some have not. As a previous supervisor I can tell you with absolute certainty that no matter what you do someone will likely criticize you. You must do what is required for the greater good (you & those remaining with you) and remember you will likely upset one person but in doing so many others will get relief.
You are the person that has to fix this. If you don't do it; you will lose respect from the others who may decide to leave you because you fail to address this.
I have dreaded having to speak to my me or issue verbal and written warnings in the past. But in time you come to realize that if you are not in charge and running things someone else is either directly or indirectly.
This is a learned skill that must be mastered unless you chose to avoid dealing with difficult things. In that case you will have the frustration, sleepless nights and all that goes with problems that never go away.
You will do this because you alone can fix the problem. Afterwards when you settle down and heart rate and blood pressure return to normal you will feel so much better! You will feel empowered and confident of yourself. It gets easier with time and experience and you will come to deal with such things swiftly because the quicker you address problems the less time they have to grow and cause you grief.

You'll see what I (and others here) are trying to say.
Good luck.

[DaycareMama]

I really want to thank you all. I know that this is WAY past due. I tried to talk to DCD again today about an issue that happened and he stormed out on me before I could finish. Then sent me a text 5 minutes later making the most ridiculous (sp?) excuse for why DCB did it. I wish I could go into detail about what happen without giving myself away, Its that much of a one of a kind story. You would shake your head in disbelief.

The hardest part of it all is that my own DD is picking up his behaviors. I want to nip that quick.

I will type my letter this weekend, short and to the point and give it to him at pick up on Monday.

Thanks for the support and I will be sure to update

[Mike Lassiter]

Yea, hand it to him as he rudely runs out the door when you try to talk to him and smile real big and pretty and get the last word in as he exits "have a nice day"::

[Mike Lassiter]

so how did today go?