Ever Had A Daycare Provider Friend That You Can't Trust?

[MamaBear]

Okay - so I have a daycare provider friend that lives about 5 miles from me. She came to me a few years ago and wanted advice on starting her own daycare. I helped her out and we became "phone" friends. I say phone friends because we would talk on the phone and never really see eachother because we're both busy with our daycares and lives.

I really liked her a lot but now shes been doing some shady stuff to me. I'm not sure if I should continue talking to her. I really like talking to her though because she knows what the day to day life of doing daycare is like and we can vent to eachother (kinda like this forum)

Anyway - Long story a little bit shorter... I had a lady call me looking for daycare with an adorable 10 month old boy. I didnt have an infant space available at the time, so I thought maybe I'd refer her to my friend but I made sure this mom knew that I dont know much about what her daycare is like or how she runs things. My friend lives in a small apartment and her daycare consists of a very small livingroom and nothing else but I wanted this mom to find out for herself and make her own decisions.

So the mom checks out my friends daycare and she calls me back that it was awful. I had no idea because I'd never really seen it since she started doing daycare (about 2 yrs ago). She said her policy manual was 30+ pages long and the play area was tiny. She only has 2 kids there... She just didnt like it. I didnt tell my "friend" about the phone call because I didnt want to hurt her feelings. I guess the mom called her on her own and said that she was going to just keep her son home with her after all.

A couple months goes by and one of my families gets military orders to leave and so I have an infant spot open. I post my ad again and this same mom calls me again all excited that I have a spot. Im happy because they were a really nice family but I just didnt have a space before. I stupidly tell my daycare friend about the call. I instantly hear her tone is a little bitter.

The next day the "mom" comes to my house with the husband and baby to check it out again and pick up paperwork to sign up. The mom then tells me that "my friend" called her the day before (the day I told her about them signing up with me) and pretty much was trying to persuade her to come to her daycare and that she has a space for her son. What the heck???

I was really mad when she told me this. Mainly because I felt like "my friend" was trying to swipe this family away right from under me. I told the "mom" that her and her husband are adults and that THEY make the choice where they want to go. If you want to go there or here, its totally okay. Its not up to me or her. The mom just laughed and said she thought it was really weird how 'my friend' called her but she didnt care. She said she straight out told her that she was actually signing her son up with me and my friend acted like she didnt know.

Anyway - this put a really sour taste in my mouth with 'my friend'. Shes done other things before that makes me wonder about her too... If I say someone called me looking for daycare for their 3 yr old part time, she'll put an ad up stating something like "I currently have a part time space for your 3 year old" ... like shes hoping they will call her too. Or if I post my ad, she'll post her ad right above mine.

I had referred a lot of families her way in the past, but strangely nobody has signed up with her that I send that way. She has referred ONE person to me in the past and it was a super weird family that nobody would want.

I hate the feeling of the fact that I helped her get her daycare started, referred people to her, trusted her and became friends with her, but she is all about the $$ and will stab me in the back just to get a daycare kid in her daycare. I dont get it. She always seems really happy when I'm unhappy with a daycare situation... You know the kind of "friend" who thrives on when your not happy? Yeah... that type..

I'm not referring anyone to her anymore. I really dont feel like I trust her.
Should I even be friends with this person? Has anyone else had a situation like this?

[MamaBear]

One more thing...

Another weird thing that happened with this "friend"... She had an unexpected visit from the State Licensing office last year and coincidentally they came to my house the next day... I hadnt had a visit in years. Seemed strange that they came to me the next day. Coincidence or did she tell them to visit me? :confused:

[Blackcat31]

I think your instincts are telling you something....maybe you should listen to them...kwim?

[MamaBear]

Your right...

Your right... I think my instincts are right about her... It just ****s because I thought she was a friend. Oh well. :confused: Live and learn, right?

[Blackcat31]

I've been in the same boat....instead of not being friends anymore (which we were only phone friends to begin with) I simply only discuss vague topicswith her such as weather or colds and the type of things you would talk about with a stranger or casual aquaintance.

It does **** because you thought of her as a friend but better to bail out now than get yourself (and your business reputation) in any deeper.

People all have ulterior motives and work in very strange ways so when your gut is telling you something it is usually spot on!

[Live and Learn]

Your right... I think my instincts are right about her... It just ****s because I thought she was a friend. Oh well. :confused: Live and learn, right?

She isn't a true friend.

Sorry you had to deal with her drama.

Good luck.

Congrats on the new dc baby.

[laundrymom]

Jealousy is a very real and common reason that providers are hesitant to be friends with each other. Unfortunatly because it is such an isolating and lonely job, it's hard to make friends. It does happen, and when it does treasure it. Most times if you run a first rate program and your neighbor across the alley runs a substandard, they sometimes feel as if they aren't as good or that things come easy for you. They see the results of your hard work, not the hours it took to get a form how you want it or the months of searching every sale, rummage, and thrift store for the perfect doll buggy. They see your final copy, not your rough drafts. Does that make sense. I'm sorry this friend seems to be stabbing you in the back. I would stop referring people, I would give them the number of your r&r agency. When she calls be polite but don't talk shop. She could use a minor vent against you. I would get involved in the trainings and support of your local resource and referral. Get involved with a mentor, actively seek out a support network for yourself. Sending love and support.

Good luck.

[daycare]

One thing that I have learned in life is that people do strange things when it involves money.... I would also bail out and distant myself from the other DCP. If she cant be adult about it and gets jealous every time you have some positive action in your DCbusiness then that is not someone you want in your life in anyway.

I have tried to befriend some of the other DCP in my area, but they all treat me like I am their competition.... I am not.. I believe that there is someone for everyone. They may not like me and like the other DCP better, or vice versa. It's not really my final say where a parent goes, it's theirs...

Sorry that you had to go through this, but I agreee with other posters....bail out..

[cheerfuldom]

sounds like you should cut the relationship off. Certainly don't ruin your reputation by referring people to her. I did one referral one time and got burnt really bad over it. A mom wanted a bit cheaper than I could offer. I didn't take her son but I did give her the name of an aquaintance that does daycare. Turns out this other provider had 16 kids there (licensed for 10) and was advertising for even more kids. I made a huge mistake in offering up this name. The daycare mom made a mistake in signing up before seeing all the kids there and lost her deposit and two weeks pay when she would not leave her son there the first day. She ended up staying at home too.

[MamaBear]

Thank you

Thanks so much guys. I think I'll just keep it real simple with her... Not be buddies and not talk every day but just keep my distance like an acquaintance would. I will never refer anyone that way now. I dont want my name associated with how her daycare is. I've only seen pictures in her ads of her daycare and I guess the pics are deceiving of how it actually is. My husband has always felt she was shady... I guess I needed some proof and now I got it.

I tried going to a provider meeting that they have locally with about 15 ladies to meet other providers by me, and only one seemed truly nice. Everyone else seemed to be sizing eachother up and checking out their "competition". Anything I'd say someone would have to top it with something even bigger and better. It was so weird! I'll just keep to myself and my own biz. I've got the day off today for a dr appt and just wanted to see what you all thought of this situation.

I'm so happy to have found this lovely forum to talk to all you guys!!

[wdmmom]

I wouldn't refer anyone, I wouldn't call, and I wouldn't answer when she calls. Or, if you want to raise a ruckus, tell her when she calls that you no longer wish to speak to her because of her actions. I'm sure she'll pull the, "I have no idea what you are talking about" routine but you already know better.

If history has a way of repeating itself, it's only a matter of time before licensing is back out or she stirs up some other kind of drama.

And a personal note:

If I were in the market for a provider...there's no way in the world I would take my child to a person that resides in an apartment! Especially if it wasn't located on the first floor! That's just asking for trouble! YIKES!

[MamaBear]

agree!

If I were in the market for a provider...there's no way in the world I would take my child to a person that resides in an apartment! Especially if it wasn't located on the first floor! That's just asking for trouble! YIKES![/QUOTE]


Yes I agree! She has a bottom floor apartment and seriously the pictures make it look like its all about the daycare with new cute decorations and toys... but I guess that was just a "staging effect" in her ads. I cant imagine doing daycare in an apartment. The mom who was looking didnt seem to mind that, until she actually saw it.

[jojosmommy]

Sorry to hear about this. I would cut ties with her but try to do it in a way in which she doesnt get so offended she calls you in all the time otherwise you might have the state out there checking in on you again for no reason.

I have a daycare friend just 2 houses away and we go to the park and chat about ideas etc at least 1-2 times a week (in the summer). Occassionally we go to the others houses with all our dck and play together. I think its great. I refer people to her and vice versa. I even use her as my back up for my own kids when I need a day off totally kid free!

If you can find someone you trust who runs daycare similar to you then its great!

[DCMom]

Sorry to hear about this. I would cut ties with her but try to do it in a way in which she doesnt get so offended she calls you in all the time otherwise you might have the state out there checking in on you again for no reason.

I have a daycare friend just 2 houses away and we go to the park and chat about ideas etc at least 1-2 times a week (in the summer). Occassionally we go to the others houses with all our dck and play together. I think its great. I refer people to her and vice versa. I even use her as my back up for my own kids when I need a day off totally kid free!

If you can find someone you trust who runs daycare similar to you then its great!

Same here ~ I would go nuts if I didn't have someone to talk to and hang out with in the summer. Two of my best friends are also providers and we have been friends for nearly 15 years.

In your case, I don't necessarily think it's because she is a dcprovider. I think it's the kind of person she is, no matter the profession she isn't going to change so I would keep my contact with her to a minimum.

[melskids]

i had a "friend" of 6 years, who lived 4 houses down, and also did daycare.

we did everything together, our families, and with the daycare kids.

4 years ago i moved out of town, two hours away.

a friend of a friend looked me up and told me all the horrible things she said about me behind my back, about my husband (secrets i told her in confidence) that i was fat and ugly, and the most hurtful, that i was mean to my DC kids. horrible untrue things.

i was hurt at first, but i realized she was just jealous. her marriage was a hot mess, her kids were in and out of trouble all the time, and she was the horrible daycare lady. (not really but all they did was sit in front of the TV all day, or she would drag them shopping at the mall a couple times a week)

i cant figure out why she would wait until i moved to talk about me. i was gone and no longer a threat. but whatever.

i cut off all ties with her. i kept ignoring her phone calls and eventually she went away. i didnt bother to confront her either.