Help With Three Year Old

[annie]

I'm new to the forum and I'm absolutely thrilled that I've found it. I've been a DCP for almost two years and have just become certified through the state Feb. of this year. I started caring for a little girl in January. She will be three in a couple of weeks, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to be able to continue caring for her. I was hoping that maybe some of you may have some advice on how to discipline her or guide her in the right direction. She's very strong willed, and refuses to listen to any request. She refuses to eat, so she throws her food on the floor, kicks me when I change her diaper, runs and hides when it's time to do anything, plays in the toilet every chance she gets, pushes and hits, climbs, jumps on furniture, throws things, etc...and the list goes on. Time outs do not work, and the when I tell her that she can't do something and that it hurts or for whatever the reason, the harder she tries to do the opposite. I feel all of my attention is on her. Yesterday we had a time out, and I decided to sit with her, so I could talk to her as to why she was in time out. She threw her head back forcefully and hit me in the neck. . Her mother drops her off around noon everyday and sometimes stays for lunch, and she threatens her with "calling daddy" or bribes her with something so she will eat, and overreacts when she takes a bite of food with clapping and yelling "YAyyy" Sorry I'm not doing this just so she will eat. I'm exhausted by her, and I really don't know what I can do. Also when her mother picks her up and she does something she's not suppose to, she yells at her and spanks her.
Any advice would be so appreciated.

[Michael]

Welcome to the Daycare.com Forum Annie!

[bice99]

Don't let the mom stay for lunch. Parents are amazed by what I can get their kids to eat. It's b/c I don't put up with anything at the table. This 3 year old sounds exactly like a 17 month old that I care for. She drives me nuts but at least she's closer to the age where this is normal. I would chat with the mom about it. It's hard to grow a backbone. I'm working on it myself. Good luck.

[cheerfuldom]

First of all, I wouldn't let the mom hang around at all. Second of all, if she has been with you since January, she has had plenty of time to adjust. Personally, I would just term her. I hate when one kid takes over the whole place and makes me miserable at my job. Not everyone is the right fit between daycare, parent and child so if you can't seem to reach her combined with the fact that her mom obviously treats her like a baby or mistreats her by using random inconsistent methods, all that is just too much for you to overcome with part time days.

[MamaBear]

Agree!

First of all, I wouldn't let the mom hang around at all. Second of all, if she has been with you since January, she has had plenty of time to adjust. Personally, I would just term her. I hate when one kid takes over the whole place and makes me miserable at my job. Not everyone is the right fit between daycare, parent and child so if you can't seem to reach her combined with the fact that her mom obviously treats her like a baby or mistreats her by using random inconsistent methods, all that is just too much for you to overcome with part time days.

Ditto on EVERYTHING she just said!

[annie]

Thank you for your replies. I still don't have a backbone, so I want to try to work with mother for now. I do know that I can't put up with it, because it puts so much stress on my family and the other children, and of course myself.

I need to write up a new contract. Although I've been watching children for a year and a half. I'm fairly new at this, regarding legalities. All I have is a parent/provider agreement. Is this the same thing?

Everyone here seems so well put together, and I on the other hand...:confused:....

[melskids]

Everyone here seems so well put together, and I on the other hand...:confused:....

we all started in the same place, believe me

thats why this forum is such a great place for support, even when we have different opinions.

and i totally agree with cheerfuldom!

[Kaddidle Care]

The eating thing I don't get. If Mom doesn't drop her off until noon, have Mom feed her BEFORE she gets there. Perhaps if the little one sees the others having a good time at lunch she will want to eat with them.

The hitting and kicking should not be tolerated and is grounds for termination. Everyone has a bad day but if this is a habit, it's not good for your Daycare. Can you imagine another parent coming in that's trying to decide if your Daycare is a good fit for her child and sees that? You won't be getting any more business, that's for sure.

If you've not made any progress with this child since January you really should consider terming her.

Is this the only child you are caring for?

[Zoe]

My very first daycare child was a 2 year old boy who on the first day and every day for 6 months would do something violent to one of my two kids (he was my only dcb so it was just him and my kids). He bit, hit, pushed, kicked, and CHOKED! He would hit my dogs, go behind the fish tank and pull out the hose, spilling literally gallons of water onto my floor....the list goes on. I really had a hard time finding ways to help improve his behavior.

It got to the point where I was so stressed out by it that it was affecting how I was as a person. I wasn't happy! Even after daycare, because I was dreading the next day. This guy was full time. And I wasn't licensed at the time, so I was worried about terming him in case I couldn't replace him. The mother was no help, saying that he doesn't act that way at home.

My husband finally got me to term them, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself and my family. They got ME back. And maybe, just maybe, that little guy got a daycare that was a better fit.

I felt kinda defeated that maybe I wasn't good enough to handle him, but really, I tried everything and nothing helped, so it was just the fit between provider and child.

Try to work with the mother on these problems, but if things don't get better, term them. You'll feel so much better and the child may get the help she needs.

[annie]

I do feel like I haven't done my job and I feel in a way that I have failed. I hope that makes sense. I've been reading and reading to try to find something to try to help improve her behavior.

So I'll be spending the weekend, writing a contract, and preparing for Monday, and conversation with DCM.

[nannyde]

My very first daycare child was a 2 year old boy who on the first day and every day for 6 months would do something violent to one of my two kids (he was my only dcb so it was just him and my kids). He bit, hit, pushed, kicked, and CHOKED! He would hit my dogs, go behind the fish tank and pull out the hose, spilling literally gallons of water onto my floor....the list goes on. I really had a hard time finding ways to help improve his behavior.

It got to the point where I was so stressed out by it that it was affecting how I was as a person. I wasn't happy! Even after daycare, because I was dreading the next day. This guy was full time. And I wasn't licensed at the time, so I was worried about terming him in case I couldn't replace him. The mother was no help, saying that he doesn't act that way at home.

My husband finally got me to term them, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself and my family. They got ME back. And maybe, just maybe, that little guy got a daycare that was a better fit.

I felt kinda defeated that maybe I wasn't good enough to handle him, but really, I tried everything and nothing helped, so it was just the fit between provider and child.

Try to work with the mother on these problems, but if things don't get better, term them. You'll feel so much better and the child may get the help she needs.

This a great post!!!!

The mother was no help, saying that he doesn't act that way at home.

This is so common. You see that with seven words she was able to POOF the responsibility of his behavior completely away. She just gets to say the words and the ball goes and stays in your court.

When a child is this violent he is DEFINITELY acting this way at home. It's not good for the child OR the parent to accept a handfull of words in exchange for the truth. Instead of accepting it the provider must tell the parent that they believe the parent is downplaying the truth and directly LYING.

You can't change what you don't acknowledge. A parent who lies to their provider about a kids behavior is stating clearly that they do not CARE about the toll on the provider, the other kids and the property. They are saying "tough $hit... deal with it because I don't care"

It got to the point where I was so stressed out by it that it was affecting how I was as a person. I wasn't happy!

So simply put yet very powerful. The affect of being around another human being, regardless of age, who is violent and disruptive is caustic to your health, happiness, and your ability to function in all aspects of life.

We, as a culture, now just accept that being violent is a part of childhood and it is not. I've raised MANY children who come day after day and NEVER hit, fight, bite or are mean to each other in ANY way. It can be done... I do it year after year.

Providers: you do NOT have to tolerate violent children. Every single episode of violence needs to be addressed as a HIGH CRIME and a deal breaker for child care. The public needs to know that if they are going to send their child into public that they won't find anyone who is willing to tolerate it.

We HAVE to start addressing the toll on the ADULTS who have to deal with violent kids. We have to start standing up and saying "not in my house... I won't have it". We need to address how harmful it is to the ADULTS and how it's too risky to expose the ADULTS to this type of behavior... especially home care providers who are doing this day in and day out by themselves.