Attitude

[Unregistered]

Hi, I just want to get opinions here. I have a DCM that just totally rubbed me wrong and I want to know if my feelings are justified because if I had enough other children I would term her now. Maybe I am just too upset but here goes.

DCM has other issues I just overlook becuse her kids are well behaved and I always get my money because she is state paid. She is the type that seems to think they (state) owe her yet she doesn't work she just does community service. She has had small attitude before when I try to get her out the door at drop off and pick up. She likes to stand around and talk. Last time after herding her to the door she kept calling her kids back and upsetting the baby again. I finally said "ok time for breakfast mommy has to go but she will be back." She remarked "yeah **** keeps shoving me out the door so I guess i cant give u guys hugs" She had already hugged them 5 times!

Today's problem involves a Mother cat that has missing babies. She has been hanging around all weekend since the neighbors and I fed her. We did some research and found out the cat had an owner and got preg and was dumped here with her kittens who have now gone missing. She has been here on my porch for days now. Very friendly and loveable. She's still very thin from not being fed so I thought we could all work on fattening her up and getting her adopted out since she has obviously had a home and misses it. I just cannot allow her in my home.

Monday I told the parents about this stray and they saw her. I asked if they thought it was a problem. I didnt want her on the porch if there were allergies etc. They all said no it's ok poor kitty etc. I keep the cat away from the kids when outside. The cat usually just sits up on a chair most of the time or wanders to the neighbors. She doesn't take much interest in the kids I assume because they are running and screaming playing etc.

The DCM I have the problem with has been hinting she doesn't like the cat since yesterday at pickup when I told her I don't allow the kids to play with her. She told me if it was her cat she would take it to a farm and dump it like she has her own litters. I explained there are kittens somewhere we need to see if she is going to them or what. She shrugged making a nasty face and dropped it. Then this morning her kids wanted to go out and pet the cat. I told them no she likes to be alone. (even though this cat is sweet I dont want to risk a possible scratch) The DCM chimes in with "yeah and you could be allergic so she's gonna have to go anyway". WTH? She had already told me about litters of cats she had and when they got preg she would dump them on this farm. So how can her kids be allergic to this and none of hers? I let it go figured the kids dont get around the cat and we will hopefully find a home for it soon so it doesn't matter.

NOW come this afternoon at pick up. I had her kids cleaned up and ready at the door with coats on. The DCM comes through and still stays chatting w/ me while on a cell. (another thing I hate long cell calls at drop and pick up) I again get her out the door by telling the kids I would see them tomorrow that I had to go find something for dinner. I shut the door and the kids run down the porch after the cat. The DCM is on her cell phone still letting her kids run down the porch. (its a long porch length of the house) DCM stands there talking letting her kids go. They run after the cat who is sitting in the chair as usual. DCM keeps telling them come on and stands there. Finally she has to walk down and pull them away from the cat. They don't want to go they keep saying kitty. No fits or anything just happy to see the kitty. Then she does it. She shoves the cell phone in her purse and yells, "If this is going to be the way it is everyday I will get rid of that damn cat myself!"

I am so mad I can't even think! I want to rip that door open and tell her if she touches that cat her services are terminated but I know that in itself would end it all. I bite my tongue as she continues down the stairs complaining. What would you do here? That cat doesn't cause any problems here. I think it's up to the parent to have control of her kids when she leaves and not let them run across the porch to the cat in the 1st place. Especially when I have already asked all parents in the beginning their own opinions on the cat.

[Michael]

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[cheerfuldom]

I can see what the issue is. If you are fine with the possibility of termination, why not respectfully call her on her attitude at pick ups and drop offs. I would reiterate your rules. We have a "no cell phone calls" rule here. I am assuming she used some sort of curse word that was starred out in your post. I would tell her exactly what you need at pick ups and drop offs and give her one chance to change her behavior. That should include no calls, no yelling, no name calling, quick drop off and pick up, no hanging out on the porch. She sounds just really immature and conveniently unaware of how bad her behavior makes her look.

[MamaBear]

Call her on it!

I agree... If you think you might end up terminating them anyway - then call her on her attitude.

I've found that as soon as you call someone on their rudeness then it totally catches them off guard and shocks them. If she cherishes the care that you give her children, then as soon as you set her in her place, she will be kissing your butt in no time. The longer you let it go, the angrier you will get... and the worse she will get. So just let her have it next time. If she leaves, then good riddance!

[nannyde]

Simply put: She's a badly behaving person.

You have to decide if she is worth working for or not.

There's a dynamic with some State Paid daycare parents that you have to learn, manage, and make decisions on what you will and will not tolerate. Only you can do that. We can't help you muddle through it.

The dynamic is dealing with someone who gets something very valuable for free. The dynamic is dealing with someone who gets that free without having to EARN the power that comes along with having so much for free.

I'm just speculating so ymmv... correct me if I'm wrong: With this client she is able to hold TWO slots of your business. She didn't have to DO or WORK for anything to be able to get that much money/funding/services. All she had to do was give birth to two children and fill out the paperwork. She also could have had the added layer of actually doing something irresponsible, wrong, lazy, criminal... whatever to qualify for that free. If she is doing community service there is some liklihood that she actually did something wrong to be required to do the community service.

So here you have someone who gets free and that free to you is a HUGE amount of your income. When the parent realizes that there is power that goes along with it... meaning the adult receiving/earning the money really NEEDS that money.. that business.. then she gets a power position that she did not work for or earn in any way.

She gets money for free and power for free. She gets respect she didn't earn.

She has most likely done a number of interviews and realized that the way providers act around her is that they bow to her and treat her in a way she has never been treated. Most people who get that kind of reaction are the boss because they EARNED the position to be the boss. She didn't have to do anything to get that power... it comes with the free assistance paid for by taxpayers.

So she has learned that people react to her very differently in THIS part of her life than she has ever had. If she has multiple children her power is even MORE.

In my state the price of daycare has dropped so dramatically that in some areas the state paid clients are highly sought after. Right now the state paid sibling group is one of the hottest tickets in daycare.... EVEN with centers.

So when she comes into your house she gets a level of respect and consideration she does not get the minute she walks out your door. She's stalling coming and going because she DIGS it and wants it to last as long as she can possibly make it last. She WANTS the respect, power, consideration, tolerance.... and she GETS it for free without having to do anything but decide who gets to be graced with her free money.

She's behaving badly with you because she can't handle the free she didn't earn. She's weilding a boss power and you have to deal or she will scoot on out the door. If she were in my area there would be a hundred providers within a few miles of her home who would GLADLY put up with her $hit for the money she brings to the table. She KNOWS this and she's loving every minute of it.

So if you are in an area where she can replace you in a second... If she is getting this for doing nothing but being irresponsible... wrong... criminal... or whatever..

then YOU have to decide whether or not you will play on her terms or not. You will NOT be able to talk her out of the position. You won't be able to back her off of the power trip. She is going to exercise her position over you or someone else.. but she's going to do it because she CAN and can for free.

If you look at it that it's for your own family and it's worth it to just deal.. then bite your lip and take her guff. Be prepared to be irritated and mistreated.. and do it for as long as you can ride it out. You have nothing over her.... nothing. Not even excellent care and the kids loving admiration will weigh more or convince her to do what it takes to keep you. It's not about the care of the kids or the kids... it's about her having this awesome free position with you that she doesn't get in any other aspect of her life.

Just decide what you will and will not do and put the limits there. The cat wouldn't be an issue here because we aren't allowed to have animals onsite that don't have vet certificates, shots, physicals, etc.

Decide if you can have her come and hang out as long as she wants... if that's a no and a deal breaker then be firm on that. If doing that can loose you the money then put up with it and just deal.

I'm NOT saying your state paid mom is this scenario... maybe she's a student doing community service.. and maybe she's one of the good ones that's really working hard to improve her life. It's not ALL state paid that have this behavior but there is a segment of the population that behaves this way and if you do state paid for any length of time you will run into it.

[missnikki]

I've had my share of this happen, too. Nan's right- entitlement syndrome is nearly impossible to overcome.

I did it once by being blatantly honest with the parent and telling her I've had enough of her bullcrap. She had 3 kids, was prego with #4, and I adored those kids. She, on the other hand, was full of excuses from here till Sunday. Lied, cheated, walked around with her hair freshly done and nails manicured, drove a new Excursion, and acted like her poop didn't stink.

I told her it stank.

She was embarassed, I smiled, she actually has been fairly well behaved since then.

[nannyde]

I've had my share of this happen, too. Nan's right- entitlement syndrome is nearly impossible to overcome.

I did it once by being blatantly honest with the parent and telling her I've had enough of her bullcrap. She had 3 kids, was prego with #4, and I adored those kids. She, on the other hand, was full of excuses from here till Sunday. Lied, cheated, walked around with her hair freshly done and nails manicured, drove a new Excursion, and acted like her poop didn't stink.

I told her it stank.

She was embarassed, I smiled, she actually has been fairly well behaved since then.

Some of it depends on how many kids they have and the hours. If they have hours that aren't accomodated by center schedules and they have three/four kids THEN it's not so easy to find a daycare provider.

If they have day hours and have multiples then you can run into entitlement.

[Cat Herder]

I, personally, would have that cat in a neon colllar, with a cat tree house/bedding, on the front porch so fast her Entitled head would spin.

"My family and I have decided the cats stays, please feel free to leave if you must. I will meet you halfway with the two week notice requirement."

I will bet you she will backpedal fast.....it is your HOME, she has no say in that.

As far as the pick-up/drop-off crap just do the buh=bye at the door routine. Bring one child at a time to the front door with you, hand the child over and make her come back for each one individually.

That is the rule, here. Each child must be escorted if not in a child-proofed fenced in area. Ironically, the State has recently added that one to their list of regs....makes it much easier on me to enforce...:: (like I have a problem speaking my mind )

I have had to attempt resuscitation on too many kiddos who darted out in roadways because of poor supervision and control. It is a "Hot Topic" at my house......

[Live and Learn]

I, personally, would have that cat in a neon colllar, with a cat tree house/bedding, on the front porch so fast her Entitled head would spin.

"My family and I have decided the cats stays, please feel free to leave if you must. I will meet you halfway with the two week notice requirement."

I will bet you she will backpedal fast.....it is your HOME, she has no say in that.

::::::
In a perfect world the cat would stay and the DCM would be "dumped at the farm".

[melskids]

not that i would bow down to this mom AT ALL, or let her think she could have her way , but, for the safety of the cat, could you move her, her comfy spot, and her food to a back porch, or the backyard somewhere? i would be afraid of her doing something to the kitty when i wasnt looking.....

[SilverSabre25]

I, personally, would have that cat in a neon colllar, with a cat tree house/bedding, on the front porch so fast her Entitled head would spin.

"My family and I have decided the cats stays, please feel free to leave if you must. I will meet you halfway with the two week notice requirement."

I will bet you she will backpedal fast.....it is your HOME, she has no say in that.

That is exactly what I was thinking!! Besides, outdoor cats are useful; they kill mice and other vermin (like moles and the ever-worrisome and dangerous cricket).

[Blackcat31]

I LOVE cats.

[AfterSchoolMom]

I'd have a VERY hard time keeping quiet. It's your house, your porch, and YOUR decision what to do with the cat. You didn't need to ask them if the cat is a problem. It's none of their business. Even if someone has allergies, the cat is outside!

If you really suspect that this woman may do something to/with the cat, I may try to move it to a safer place. If you can't and she does, were it me, I'd call the police. Just saying.

At the very least, I'd at least say to her, sternly, "the cat is named (insert name here) and she's staying." You don't have to be rude, but don't ask, don't have a meek or subservient attitude about it, just be no-nonsense.

Good luck, and I hope it works out.

[Unregistered]

The cat is now missing! The last I saw her was when the DCM left. I saw DCM get in her car and leave though so I don't think she took her. A friend thinks she sent her DH back for her though the night. I don't think she did, seems too much effort for not really being a problem but since she made that remark I keep thinking about it. I went out on the porches at nap time and called kitty. She usually runs right to me as soon as she sees me or hears the door. I hope she found a home that's what I keep telling myself because if I let myself think this... woman.. actually did something to her I will be on her like white on rice!

[Michelle]

Simply put: She's a badly behaving person.

You have to decide if she is worth working for or not.

There's a dynamic with some State Paid daycare parents that you have to learn, manage, and make decisions on what you will and will not tolerate. Only you can do that. We can't help you muddle through it.

The dynamic is dealing with someone who gets something very valuable for free. The dynamic is dealing with someone who gets that free without having to EARN the power that comes along with having so much for free.

I'm just speculating so ymmv... correct me if I'm wrong: With this client she is able to hold TWO slots of your business. She didn't have to DO or WORK for anything to be able to get that much money/funding/services. All she had to do was give birth to two children and fill out the paperwork. She also could have had the added layer of actually doing something irresponsible, wrong, lazy, criminal... whatever to qualify for that free. If she is doing community service there is some liklihood that she actually did something wrong to be required to do the community service.

So here you have someone who gets free and that free to you is a HUGE amount of your income. When the parent realizes that there is power that goes along with it... meaning the adult receiving/earning the money really NEEDS that money.. that business.. then she gets a power position that she did not work for or earn in any way.

She gets money for free and power for free. She gets respect she didn't earn.

She has most likely done a number of interviews and realized that the way providers act around her is that they bow to her and treat her in a way she has never been treated. Most people who get that kind of reaction are the boss because they EARNED the position to be the boss. She didn't have to do anything to get that power... it comes with the free assistance paid for by taxpayers.

So she has learned that people react to her very differently in THIS part of her life than she has ever had. If she has multiple children her power is even MORE.

In my state the price of daycare has dropped so dramatically that in some areas the state paid clients are highly sought after. Right now the state paid sibling group is one of the hottest tickets in daycare.... EVEN with centers.

So when she comes into your house she gets a level of respect and consideration she does not get the minute she walks out your door. She's stalling coming and going because she DIGS it and wants it to last as long as she can possibly make it last. She WANTS the respect, power, consideration, tolerance.... and she GETS it for free without having to do anything but decide who gets to be graced with her free money.

She's behaving badly with you because she can't handle the free she didn't earn. She's weilding a boss power and you have to deal or she will scoot on out the door. If she were in my area there would be a hundred providers within a few miles of her home who would GLADLY put up with her $hit for the money she brings to the table. She KNOWS this and she's loving every minute of it.

So if you are in an area where she can replace you in a second... If she is getting this for doing nothing but being irresponsible... wrong... criminal... or whatever..

then YOU have to decide whether or not you will play on her terms or not. You will NOT be able to talk her out of the position. You won't be able to back her off of the power trip. She is going to exercise her position over you or someone else.. but she's going to do it because she CAN and can for free.

If you look at it that it's for your own family and it's worth it to just deal.. then bite your lip and take her guff. Be prepared to be irritated and mistreated.. and do it for as long as you can ride it out. You have nothing over her.... nothing. Not even excellent care and the kids loving admiration will weigh more or convince her to do what it takes to keep you. It's not about the care of the kids or the kids... it's about her having this awesome free position with you that she doesn't get in any other aspect of her life.

Just decide what you will and will not do and put the limits there. The cat wouldn't be an issue here because we aren't allowed to have animals onsite that don't have vet certificates, shots, physicals, etc.

Decide if you can have her come and hang out as long as she wants... if that's a no and a deal breaker then be firm on that. If doing that can loose you the money then put up with it and just deal.

I'm NOT saying your state paid mom is this scenario... maybe she's a student doing community service.. and maybe she's one of the good ones that's really working hard to improve her life. It's not ALL state paid that have this behavior but there is a segment of the population that behaves this way and if you do state paid for any length of time you will run into it.

Very true , I have had a lot of state aid in the past that was like that, the ones I have now are great