What Would You Have Said To This Parent?

[squareone]

Maybe she thought you would offer to watch her new baby. Then she would have to say "no" in front of her daughter. She chose to lie instead.

ROFL!!!!::::::

[Evansmom]

I have to be a voice of dissent here a bit. B/c I try not to say "No" too much to my kids. I say no in all kinds of other ways but I don't say the word no very much. The reason is b/c I believe and have seen and experienced that if you repeatedly say no then it can become something that a child tunes out.

I do not agree to everything they want or give in to everything that is for sure, I am strict with my own and with my daycare children. Much more strict than most of my friends or my children's friend's parents.

The parents that the OP spoke of probably read something somewhere about not over using the word "no" and then took it way way too far. Obviously giving in to what your child wants is a perfect way to set them up for failure in life.

Some of the ways I say no to kids without saying the word "no" are:

"We don't play that way"
"That's dangerous"
"Please stop"
"Put that down"
"I don't want you to do that because..."
"You are not allowed to say that because..."
"We absolutely never do that because..."
I also love quiet actions like just picking a child up and placing them in time out or taking a toy and placing it out of reach. Then I take the time to talk about what was going on. But the silent and calm action usually disarms them enough and they usually already knew they were doing something wrong anyway.

ETA: I have two older kids ages 17 and 12. They are polite and respectful, they do fabulous in school. My DD will be captain of her dance guard next year and has worked hard to achieve that and get her letterman's jacket. When my daycare clients meet my older kids they always seem more apt to leave their children with me. And my DD babysits most of my clients on weekends too. Just saying this b/c I don't think in all situations that not saying the word no will cause the children to be out of control. As long as you set limits and are consistant.

[Unregistered]

We use STOP as a safety word.

I have also taught my kids that they are not to tell me NO...not my daycare kids, not my own. I probably don't say it alot myself because I generally say things like, "we don't..." but regardless, I don't think a child should feel comfortable telling an adult NO and I don't think an adult should ever be hesitant to use that word either.

Also, I gotta say, I could say cupcake and the tone of my voice would stop them dead in their tracks if they were knowingly doing something wrong. Kids NOT old enough to understand tone, aren't ever put in situations where they could run out in the street or do something otherwise dangerous.

Life is FULL of NO's...just my opinion, but kids need to learn how to accept them and move forward.

How to you teach a strong headed daycare child not to tell you no. I found out when I stopped saying no she did also. It was like a power struggle thing with her-if you say no then I will tell you no. Like I had said earlier it could be No, DG we do not touch whatever and she would say no back to me in a way that meant she wasn't going to follow the instruction. It was everything from sharing to safety measures so I didn't feel picking battles was an option. Learning what I was saying was the only option.

[cheerfuldom]

I absolutely agree that there needs to be a balance of choosing your battles, redirecting if possible, giving a yes or "this or that" choice instead of no all the time BUT these parents were clearly saying that they did not want any limits for their child. They acted like it was just about the actual word no but it wasn't. That is what I have a problem with. I also have a problem with parents trying to tell me how to treat all the daycare kids (which they also tried to do). These were first time parents with no experience with children whatsoever. They have no idea what they are talking about.

[Evansmom]

I absolutely agree that there needs to be a balance of choosing your battles, redirecting if possible, giving a yes or "this or that" choice instead of no all the time BUT these parents were clearly saying that they did not want any limits for their child. They acted like it was just about the actual word no but it wasn't. That is what I have a problem with. I also have a problem with parents trying to tell me how to treat all the daycare kids (which they also tried to do). These were first time parents with no experience with children whatsoever. They have no idea what they are talking about.

That's just crazy! Not setting limits is setting you up for a terror child. And yeah, parents coming in to your house and your business and telling you how to run it? Yeah, they were crazy.

[jen]

How to you teach a strong headed daycare child not to tell you no. I found out when I stopped saying no she did also. It was like a power struggle thing with her-if you say no then I will tell you no. Like I had said earlier it could be No, DG we do not touch whatever and she would say no back to me in a way that meant she wasn't going to follow the instruction. It was everything from sharing to safety measures so I didn't feel picking battles was an option. Learning what I was saying was the only option.

Well, like I said, I don't use the word alot, but I certainly use it. I would agree that if you over use it, it looses its meaning. The vast majority of my kids come to me as infants and stay until 1st grade, I have virtually no turnover. Since I have the luxury of long term relationships with my kids, they've been "Jen" trained almost since birth.

I don't use my ugly voice often, but when I do, they know I am serious. Telling me "no" will get you the ugly voice. I should probably clarify that I am not talking about toddlers who just use the word because its one of the few they actually know; I'm talking about preschoolers who are verbal enough to understand direction and understand that they've crossed a line.

If a toddler says it, I just ignore it...it's a phase

For example, one of my dcm was trying to get her 3.5 year old out the door, which is usually a chore. He was being belligerant and refusing to put his coat on. I bit my lip and said nothing, right up until he screamed NO! in her face and took a swipe at her.

Then he got the ugly voice. I got down on his level, took both his hands in mine and said (very sternly) We DO NOT talk to people like that in my house. Is that understood. (shakes his head yes) What do you need to do, RIGHT NOW? (looks at Mom and says sorry.) I then said, in still a stern voice, but not as stern. Get you coat on. It's time to go home. Don't let me ever hear you talk to your Mom like that again.

Kids can understand alot more than people give them credit for. Mom was grateful, kid has been an angel at pick up ever since. Now, I know some of you will think I'm a horrible jerk, but I've had the kid since birth. I would never do anything to "damage" him. He loves coming to daycare. His parents told me that when he is misbehaving in the morning they threaten him witm, "if you don't behave, then you can't go to Jen's today...." He straightens up in a heartbeat. Go figure.

[nannyde]

I absolutely agree that there needs to be a balance of choosing your battles, redirecting if possible, giving a yes or "this or that" choice instead of no all the time BUT these parents were clearly saying that they did not want any limits for their child. They acted like it was just about the actual word no but it wasn't. That is what I have a problem with. I also have a problem with parents trying to tell me how to treat all the daycare kids (which they also tried to do). These were first time parents with no experience with children whatsoever. They have no idea what they are talking about.

They acted like it was just about the actual word no but it wasn't.

That's exactly right.

It's not about overusing or misusing the word no. It's not about creative ways to say no. It's not about changing up phrases so the don't get used to or tire of the phrase.

It's about not DENYING the child. It's about giving them a YES. It's about the kid getting what they want when they want it. It's about their kid not crying or being unhappy.

They want their child to rule. Everybody gets a "no" except the King. They are telling you they want the kid to be the King.

[Sunny Day]

ugh. I try to use "stop please" as much as possible, but REALLY! no wonder this child was the way he was. I had a family at one point where there were not really any rules at home--I had to terminate them...