What Would You Have Said To This Parent?

[missnikki]

I would have told the parent "No."

[DCMom]

I would have told the parent "No."

LOL, this was my first thought.

[nannyde]

The thing that gets me about parents who think this is okay to even ASK of you... is that they think they have come up with some new or unique style of parenting for their child. It's so silly. Not saying the word isn't the real core issue. They want the one to one that comes with dancing around the NO. They want their kid to have choices. They want the adult to do the mental gymnastics it takes to make the kid feel like they won when they are denied something.

They also don't think about multiplying this into the care of their child's age mates. When she is a teenager and she is dating a boy... when he tries to have his way with her... how is HE supposed to take her NO? If they raise her to not receive a NO then they must accomodate the other children who do wrong by her when she gives them a NO. Is that going to be okay with them?

Is she going to have the skill set to do what they are asking you to do? It's impossible for an adult to do it.. .how is she to do it as she gets older?

When it's all said and done there will be an end game. An end game that doesn't make sense to a child who wants what they want and doesn't have the life experience to know what is safe, dangerous, morally right, fair, reasonable.

Most of us use the NO as the end game. Trying to dance around it and fool the child into thinking that they didn't really get one OR compensating for the NO by giving them some yes to make them feel in control is something that the teenage boy isn't going to accept when he wants what he wants.

They need to look at the future and put her into the position of the one who can't say NO and see if they really believe she will be able to do that ever in her life and be happy and safe.

The key to managing this is to tell the parents you won't attempt to not say no to her but you are willing to inforce that SHE doesn't say no to the adults OR the other kids. If they believe in this idea then let's start with their child being the first one who can't say no... and we will see how that goes first.

[cheerfuldom]

The thing that gets me about parents who think this is okay to even ASK of you... is that they think they have come up with some new or unique style of parenting for their child. It's so silly. Not saying the word isn't the real core issue. They want the one to one that comes with dancing around the NO. They want their kid to have choices. They want the adult to do the mental gymnastics it takes to make the kid feel like they won when they are denied something.

They also don't think about multiplying this into the care of their child's age mates. When she is a teenager and she is dating a boy... when he tries to have his way with her... how is HE supposed to take her NO? If they raise her to not receive a NO then they must accomodate the other children who do wrong by her when she gives them a NO. Is that going to be okay with them?

Is she going to have the skill set to do what they are asking you to do? It's impossible for an adult to do it.. .how is she to do it as she gets older?

When it's all said and done there will be an end game. An end game that doesn't make sense to a child who wants what they want and doesn't have the life experience to know what is safe, dangerous, morally right, fair, reasonable.

Most of us use the NO as the end game. Trying to dance around it and fool the child into thinking that they didn't really get one OR compensating for the NO by giving them some yes to make them feel in control is something that the teenage boy isn't going to accept when he wants what he wants.

They need to look at the future and put her into the position of the one who can't say NO and see if they really believe she will be able to do that ever in her life and be happy and safe.

The key to managing this is to tell the parents you won't attempt to not say no to her but you are willing to inforce that SHE doesn't say no to the adults OR the other kids. If they believe in this idea then let's start with their child being the first one who can't say no... and we will see how that goes first.

Exactly! The thing was really about the parents not having the guts to tell their kid no and not wanting anyone else to either. This child did not speak at all yet so why this was even brought up is pretty ridiculous.

[missnikki]

I tell my own daughter no. In fact, it goes like this:

DD: Mom, can I have ice cream before dinner?
ME: No honey. Of course not. Eat your dinner first.
DD: PLEASE?!?!?!
ME: You already asked me once. If you thought you didn't like my answer that time, you REALLY won't like it the second time around. Now what were you saying?
DD: The broccoli is soo yummy! Can I have seconds?

(Bad example, but the jist is there.)

[Unregistered]

Parents!

It drives me nuts to see how parents let their children walk all over them. I have had so many situations where I have had to step in and take over where a parent just seemed to give up.....
Just a few of the things I've heard...

DCD talking about 2 year old girl: "Sorry! I know you don't allow gum at day care, but she insisted". (I wonder what he'll do when she "insists" on taking the car when she's 16?)

DCM: "Sorry about the noise (blood-curdling screams at 6AM)...he wouldn't get out of the car without a donut." (You're bigger than him, Mommy. Unstrap and him and carry him in here...WITHOUT the donut!)

DCM: "I know the blanket is dirty...but he won't let me wash it" (Really?!)

I grabbed a tissue and told the gum-chewer to spit. She did.

I told the donut screamer that if he screamed in the morning, he'd get a time-out as soon as he got inside the door...every morning he did it. He only tried it once.

As soon as Mom left, I told the dirty blanket boy that I was going to wash his blanket...it was dirty. He said "K" and walked off.

It's not rocket science....but parents just seem to be scared of their own kids....and the kids know it.

This is my BIGGEST problem - parents just refuse to take responsibility! I have one that tells me daily, "She didn't want to... (wear a coat, put her shoes on, eat, etc.) but I am supposed to deal with it when then come into care. Amazing that I never seem to have these issues with these same kids. Parents are being lead around by their children and it is completely frustrating! I haven't grown my backbone yet, so I simply deal with it and grind my teeth in frustration.

[SilverSabre25]

The thing that gets me about parents who think this is okay to even ASK of you... is that they think they have come up with some new or unique style of parenting for their child. It's so silly. Not saying the word isn't the real core issue. They want the one to one that comes with dancing around the NO. They want their kid to have choices. They want the adult to do the mental gymnastics it takes to make the kid feel like they won when they are denied something.

They also don't think about multiplying this into the care of their child's age mates. When she is a teenager and she is dating a boy... when he tries to have his way with her... how is HE supposed to take her NO? If they raise her to not receive a NO then they must accomodate the other children who do wrong by her when she gives them a NO. Is that going to be okay with them?

Is she going to have the skill set to do what they are asking you to do? It's impossible for an adult to do it.. .how is she to do it as she gets older?

When it's all said and done there will be an end game. An end game that doesn't make sense to a child who wants what they want and doesn't have the life experience to know what is safe, dangerous, morally right, fair, reasonable.

Most of us use the NO as the end game. Trying to dance around it and fool the child into thinking that they didn't really get one OR compensating for the NO by giving them some yes to make them feel in control is something that the teenage boy isn't going to accept when he wants what he wants.

They need to look at the future and put her into the position of the one who can't say NO and see if they really believe she will be able to do that ever in her life and be happy and safe.

The key to managing this is to tell the parents you won't attempt to not say no to her but you are willing to inforce that SHE doesn't say no to the adults OR the other kids. If they believe in this idea then let's start with their child being the first one who can't say no... and we will see how that goes first.

Very well said...especially the part about looking to the future and the consequences of raising a child who can't/won't say NO.

I tell my own daughter no. In fact, it goes like this:

DD: Mom, can I have ice cream before dinner?
ME: No honey. Of course not. Eat your dinner first.
DD: PLEASE?!?!?!
ME: You already asked me once. If you thought you didn't like my answer that time, you REALLY won't like it the second time around. Now what were you saying?
DD: The broccoli is soo yummy! Can I have seconds?

(Bad example, but the jist is there.)

I tell my DD no, as well...and you know what? She's allowed to say no to me, too, and any other grown-up. Some kinds of no's are normal for the age, and we work around it. Others are perfectly legitimate and I respect them, and expect other adults to respect them as well. Things that affect her body directly are usually the case here, such as when she says NO to kisses, or hugs, or things like that.

My MIL made a big stink at Christmas because DD didn't want to hug her. My DH, good man, stood up for DD and made MIL respect DD's wish to not be touched. MIL flipped out and yelled at DH that "you can't let her walk all over you like that" and "you can't let her do that" and "you're spoiling her" and "you should MAKE her hug me". DH stood his ground--"If she doesn't want a hug, then you respect that and you don't hug her. She'll hug you when and if she's ready."

She knows that we respect her space...and she's going to grow up understanding that if she doesn't want someone to touch her, she has the right to say NO.

[Kaddidle Care]

I watched a relative's child years ago and automatically said "No" to something she did and she burst into tears. I had no idea what was going on. Later they told me that they only used the word "No" if it was something dangerous.

Whatever.

She's an adult now and got pregnant in College. I guess she never learned to say "No".

Edit: Oh gosh - just read NannyDe's response: "They also don't think about multiplying this into the care of their child's age mates. When she is a teenager and she is dating a boy... when he tries to have his way with her... how is HE supposed to take her NO? If they raise her to not receive a NO then they must accomodate the other children who do wrong by her when she gives them a NO. Is that going to be okay with them? "

Uh Huh! Read my bolded text.

[dEHmom]

Interesting because just last month I was pulling my hair out from a little girl always telling me "NO" when she was asked to do something or not to do something. I mulled it over, asked others what to do (choose your battles was told to me enough) but she said no for everything-from sharing to safety issues. Then I had another little one starting because of her and finally a third. It was making me miserable! So the solution I came up with instead of saying NO is I now just will say "Please don't do that" or "That is something that isn't allowed" or "Childs Name we need to be nice to our friends". For the last couple of weeks I haven't had a child tell me no! It has been wonderul. Also, I have changed our time out spot to a quiet spot. I have just started telling the little ones that they need to go to the quiet spot for awhile and I will let them know when they come out. Has worked like a charm as I think they were tired of hearing you need a time-out. Also the tattling is becoming another problem so I'm thinking of telling them to go tell "the cat", "the pig", "the bird", etc. We have none of those animals around but I figure they will go off looking for them and by the time they realize there isn't one they will have forgotten what they were tattling about!

Yep I've said this before.... I had to do a "exercise" of not saying no for 1 week, or if I did say no, I had to follow it with a reason why. The word NO alone should be a safety word, and when it's used too often, it loses it's value. So if kid is about to run in street and you yell NO, they are not going to stop cold, as they would if the word was only reserved for safety reasons. It's not NEVER saying no, it's simply not overusing the word, or abusing it essentially.

[jen]

We use STOP as a safety word.

I have also taught my kids that they are not to tell me NO...not my daycare kids, not my own. I probably don't say it alot myself because I generally say things like, "we don't..." but regardless, I don't think a child should feel comfortable telling an adult NO and I don't think an adult should ever be hesitant to use that word either.

Also, I gotta say, I could say cupcake and the tone of my voice would stop them dead in their tracks if they were knowingly doing something wrong. Kids NOT old enough to understand tone, aren't ever put in situations where they could run out in the street or do something otherwise dangerous.

Life is FULL of NO's...just my opinion, but kids need to learn how to accept them and move forward.

[jen]

Very well said...especially the part about looking to the future and the consequences of raising a child who can't/won't say NO.



I tell my DD no, as well...and you know what? She's allowed to say no to me, too, and any other grown-up. Some kinds of no's are normal for the age, and we work around it. Others are perfectly legitimate and I respect them, and expect other adults to respect them as well. Things that affect her body directly are usually the case here, such as when she says NO to kisses, or hugs, or things like that.

My MIL made a big stink at Christmas because DD didn't want to hug her. My DH, good man, stood up for DD and made MIL respect DD's wish to not be touched. MIL flipped out and yelled at DH that "you can't let her walk all over you like that" and "you can't let her do that" and "you're spoiling her" and "you should MAKE her hug me". DH stood his ground--"If she doesn't want a hug, then you respect that and you don't hug her. She'll hug you when and if she's ready."

She knows that we respect her space...and she's going to grow up understanding that if she doesn't want someone to touch her, she has the right to say NO.

I do agree with you about children saying "No" to certain things, especially anything to do with her personal space/body. I was more thinking of when I say, "it's time to pick up toys" or other things along that line.

[SilverSabre25]

never mind!

[SandeeAR]

Wouldn't you have loved to have been a fly on the wall when they went to Kindergarten orientation and told the new teacher....don't tell my little darling NO.::::::::::::::::::

[nannyde]

Wouldn't you have loved to have been a fly on the wall when they went to Kindergarten orientation and told the new teacher....don't tell my little darling NO.::::::::::::::::::

Nah

They are so grateful to get free they won't be silly enough to try to ruin that. Once the adult caring for them is free the "no no goes out the window.

[My Daycare]

This happened several years ago but I just remembered it today. I am curious what you all think about this parenting scenario. This family was terminated not long after this discussion because kiddo was getting out of control with demands and crying and even having a full time assistant was not enough for her. Okay so the basic conversation was that the parents said that they did not use the word "no" at home and did not want us to tell their child "no". We could set boundaries for her but not use the word "no" because they did not want her to be able to say no to them. They had no replacement word for no in their home and were not supportive of any of the routine or structure that we had in place at the daycare. It was just a really confusing scenario because they were super nice, very professional hard working people, very traditional and "all American". They said they just didn't want to use the word no but their actions showed that they were not willing to say or show no in any way. So all that to say, what would you have told a parent who specifically ask that you not use the word no? they said they would be supportive of us using a replacement word or setting boundaries by our actions, it was just the actual word they had a problem with. In addition, we were given "permission" (ha ha!) to use no with the other children, just not theirs. As if their child would never learn the word unless it was said specifically to her.

I saw this little girl about a year later when I was running errands. The dad talked for a bit but the mom was totally rude to me. The little girl was equally snobby and rude so apparently the princess was still in charge in the household. The mom didn't want to admit that she was pregnant even though she was huge (probably not far from delivering) and that was even weirder.

Maybe she thought you would offer to watch her new baby. Then she would have to say "no" in front of her daughter. She chose to lie instead.