Informing Sounds Like Complaining!

**Unregistered** · 04-04-2011, 05:06 PM

I had a child that had one issue after another. I have a protocol I follow. Warning, time-out, separation from group and finally a note home. I don't get into the daily discipline unless a parent specifically asks or if there is a note sent home. I know if I was a parent and all daycare provider did was tell me a list of issues my child had I would feel like they didn't like my child or want them there.

**PitterPatter** · 04-04-2011, 05:14 PM

Originally posted by daycare

I have a dcb that has an issue on a daily basis. Potty mouth, won't listen and etc. I always take a min or two to inform mom/dad at pick up how their day went. I don't give every last detail, but when something happens that disrupts the other kids or more than a large majority of the child's day I will inform the parents.

So today at pick up I inform DCM that the boy had an ok day. However, there were some issues with potty mouth. I reminded the boy that he needed to use better words and that he was to tell him mom at pick up. Of course he did not tell his mom and I had to inform her.

So they leave and within 20min I get an email saying that she is thinking about changing DC because it seems like I complain about him all of the time. That every day it's something else and she feels like he has worn out his welcome here.

I have not responded to her, but in some ways I have seen this coming. Why? Becuase every day there is something else. I have posted about this boy here in the past and was able to get someone to come and elvaluate his behavior, but that has not happened yet. It will not take place until May.

So my question is, how you do inform parents when their kids are constantly breaking rules, or having a bad day without sounding like you are complaining about their kid.

BTW. I don't tell DCP every last detail, just important things i think they should know.

I had this problem with a 2yr old child that was always beating me up etc. Not sure if u saw that older post I made. DCM sent me a text saying her son wouldnt be back because she didn't like people downing her kid. A couple days later she brought him to me and said she didn't mean it she just had a bad day at work.

He was my only kid at the time and I needed the income to live so I just decided I will not give any more negative reports. If she asked how he was the reply was "he was ok" or "he was fine" She didn't like hearing so much negative but back then that's what he was 90% of the time. If I had other children at the time I may have told her I was sorry but this is how our day goes etc.

When I do have to give a bad report I try to give a good point of the day to go along with it to soften the blow I guess and so I don't seem so negative.

**Michelle** · 04-04-2011, 06:26 PM

I try to tell them in a positive way like
"Sally is still learning to share"
or "we are still learning that hitting is not o.k. "

It sounds more positive and it relays to them that you are working on it at daycare.

**cheerfuldom** · 04-04-2011, 06:32 PM

It is really hard to deal with a difficult child in combination with a sensitive parent. I had one little boy like this and his parents pulled him after awhile with one of the reasons being that they felt my comments showed that I did not like him anymore. This wasn't the case at all and I was trying to work with them specifically with certain issues. For them it was easier to move on to another provider and assume it was me that had a problem and not the fact that their little angel had turned into a little monster (he was like this all the time, not just for me). However, I have come to the point where less is really more. If it is not an issue that I would terminate for than I don't mention it and just find a way to deal with it on my own. If I feel that the parent really is open to working on things together and really does want to know the good with the bad than yes, I will start having those discussions but still step lightly if I can. The potty mouth and general disrespect you were having with him would be a deal breaker for me so perhaps it is best that he is pulled now, seeing as how his mom didn't seem to be doing anything specific to change this behavior (or at least you didn't mention her doing anything about it). No one wants to hear that their kid is acting up and that sort of thing so it does take a mature parent to hear it from a provider and realize that it is given out of concern and hope that thing can be addressed. My own two are a handful at times at church or other places we go and does get that mother bear instinct up but I try to remember that almost all of these things I know to be true and it is important that I be in the know for their behavior and be able to correct those (instead of getting offended and staying in denial)

**daycare** · 04-04-2011, 06:34 PM

I feel I have tried to be very positive about the issues. Example: *** had a much better day today and was very helpful, but we had some issues with potty mouth. I know she feels like I'm complaining because there is a daily issue. There have even been days I just don't say anything at all to avoid sounding like I'm complaining.
But it is not working....

**Michelle** · 04-04-2011, 06:50 PM

Originally posted by daycare

I feel I have tried to be very positive about the issues. Example: *** had a much better day today and was very helpful, but we had some issues with potty mouth. I know she feels like I'm complaining because there is a daily issue. There have even been days I just don't say anything at all to avoid sounding like I'm complaining.
But it is not working....

have you thought about video taping him in full "potty mouth mode?" you can video him and your appropriate response to his behavior right on your cell phone, then she can see and hear what her perfect child is doing...she probably already knows, he is probably learning those words at home.
He probably does this at church, friends homes , etc. but its worth a try.

**daycare** · 04-04-2011, 07:01 PM

The worst part Is that she knows he has a major behavior issue and ha also agreed to allow for a behavior evaluation to be conducted. I guess she is just tired of hearing about it, just as much as I am telling her about it.

He's a really sweet boy, I believe he may hVe ADD or ADHD but I'm not capable of making that diagnoses. I really hope mom does not pull him as I can't afford another cut in pay...

**DBug** · 04-05-2011, 02:35 AM

I don't know, I'm of the opinion that what happens at daycare stays at daycare. If kids get time outs, I write it down on their communication log (eg. "1 timout for hitting"). If mom or dad asks about it, I'll elaborate, but other than that, it's been dealt with, so why rehash it, kwim?

If it's something WAY out of the ordinary, I'll specifically mention it. But if this dcb has a potty mouth most of the time, I'd give him the appropriate consequence and be done with it. If he had a better day than usual, I'd mention that to the mom, but otherwise, I'd just leave it and not tell her about it. Parents have long days too, and I always figure they probably don't want more issues to deal with when they're picking up their kids (unless it's a REALLY big deal).

**mac60** · 04-05-2011, 02:52 AM

I agree with Dbug. I realize no parent wants to hear what their child did wrong every day, so unless it is a big ticket item, I don't bother bringing it up. Many times the child will tell on him/her self anyways. And, I also feel that the parents of these kids who are constantly in trouble know their kid is a brat, or has potty mouth, etc, they don't really care and/or don't really ever do anything about it.

**PitterPatter** · 04-05-2011, 03:23 AM

Originally posted by DBug

I don't know, I'm of the opinion that what happens at daycare stays at daycare. If kids get time outs, I write it down on their communication log (eg. "1 timout for hitting"). If mom or dad asks about it, I'll elaborate, but other than that, it's been dealt with, so why rehash it, kwim?

If it's something WAY out of the ordinary, I'll specifically mention it. But if this dcb has a potty mouth most of the time, I'd give him the appropriate consequence and be done with it. If he had a better day than usual, I'd mention that to the mom, but otherwise, I'd just leave it and not tell her about it. Parents have long days too, and I always figure they probably don't want more issues to deal with when they're picking up their kids (unless it's a REALLY big deal).

What is a communication log exactly?

**TBird** · 04-05-2011, 06:02 AM

Originally posted by Michelle

I try to tell them in a positive way like
"Sally is still learning to share"
or "we are still learning that hitting is not o.k. "

It sounds more positive and it relays to them that you are working on it at daycare.

I agree...you always have to "sandwich" the comments.....

"Little Johnny was so good at cleaning up and sharing today!" "We're still working on the hitting issue, but he only had one incident today." "Good job Buddy...look forward to seeing you tomorrow."

Something like that. Pick your battles and ALWAYS make a mental note of something positive to say!

**Blackcat31** · 04-05-2011, 06:30 AM

I am also in the "if it happens here; it stays here" camp. I only report to parents if they ask about a specific behavior that we may have been working collectively on curbing or encouraging or if it is a really really bad behavior (which is different for each child).

For every challenging behavior there is a function involved. What is it the child trying to get or trying to avoid? Finding out the function behind the behavior is the key to stopping the behavior.

**tulip1969** · 04-05-2011, 06:50 AM

It sounds like you financially need to keep this child around and the mom is not really helping with this problem. In this case I would only tell the mom if he physically hurts another child. If it is the potty mouth I would try to work on it with him as best I can such as rewarding all of the children with a sticker or fun activity if they don't use bad words. Appologise to the mom and tell her you did not mean to sound that way and mention all of the great qualities her child posesses.

**missnikki** · 04-05-2011, 06:56 AM

I guess if you look at it from the practical perspective, telling mom everyday will not acheive the desired results. I mean, if you are constantly getting on this kid for pottymouth, then threaten to tell mom about pottymouth, then tell mom about pottymouth, then mom talks to boy about pottymouth, EVERY DAY, it's going to lose its 'umph'.

I think the desired outcome here is for the child to stop using pottymouth, not for mom to find out about it each time. (That's why she pays you- to help the kiddo learn proper social graces while she is not able to be there). So it sounds like you have a difficult student to model for.

I would start working on the little guy with praises of good behavior, practice using the words you like, and generally attacking the issue on your own. Give mom only positive progress reports at this point. If the issues persist, then you need to schedule a meeting with mom to discuss concerns so she can be prepared to act as a team with you instead of getting put on the dfensive at pick up.

It's going to take mom a while to unwind at pickup since 'informing' is all she hears everyday. Give her a couple of weeks off and pick your battles.

Informing Sounds Like Complaining!

Informing Sounds Like Complaining!

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