what do you think about this email and response?

[nannyde]

thanks for your thoughts nanny. I have been with them through the entire adoption process and I fully understand their reasoning behind the way they treat her. I have cut them a lot of slack with this understanding but at a certain point, enough is enough as far as daycare is concerned (like when I had to say no paci except at nap time due to the huge amount of drama it was causing here). For her, what she does at home does affect us here at daycare so having one thing at home and one thing here, in general, doesn't sit well with this particular child. I realize that my major fault as a provider is getting over invested or over involved with the family and sometimes that does not come off in a good way. This was my attempt to not pick too many battles because this honestly is a good family (compared to my previous families) and I would rather have their input and happiness before things turned into a "term or don't term" type situation. I don't currently have the luxury to be super firm with every single policy because I have a small group here and cannot afford to lose anyone so close to my maternity leave. It will be very difficult if not impossible to find a family willing to start when I am closing down and then transitioning to a full time assistant in 6 weeks with the baby's birth.

With your maternity coming they may just use the contents of the email to justify that your house really isn't the right place for her cuz she's not doing so well in these core areas. They agree with you one hundred percent... so now she needs "special" or "different".

It was really risky to bring this stuff up now if you plan on her returning.

[JenNJ]

Is there no way you can change her behaviors just at your daycare? I have NO idea what goes on in the clients homes bc I don't ask. Unless they tell me, I don't need to know.

I couldn't tell you who sleeps in a bed, crib, or in a tree when they are home. But here, I make the rules about sleep arrangements, what goes into the bed with them (binky, animal, blanket, etc), when they stop the bottle, etc. I base it solely on age and maturity when they graduate to a nap mat. I don't take parental advice on my nap routines.

Feeding - ditto what Nan said: "Send solid foods bc she has trouble with utensils." Would it be nice if they worked on it with her? Yup. But it's not my place to tell them they NEED to do this.

PTing - not my responsibility. If they want to start at home, I will ask at transition times, and assist in the bathroom. It's not my job to PT the kids.

Speech - I can understand asking, but again - not your responsibility. You aren't a speech therapist.

Kids are very resilient. They understand what happens at home, stays at home. They know daycare is a different world with different rules. You need to MAKE the rules at your daycare and work with the child to stick with them.

You are taking on FAR too much responsibility with this child. Spoon feeding, potty training, comfort items, sleeping arrangements for nighttime, and her communication are PARENTAL responsibilities. Not yours to do, and not yours to judge.

If I were her mother, I would think you had zero control over the kids in daycare bc why else would you be handing off all these daycare problems to me?

[cheerfuldom]

HER parents initiated the bottle weaning, potty training, etc. I don't do these things FOR the parents but once we get started, yes I will update on progress and not be happy when I find out that they are not holding up their end at home. For example, her mom was really upset when she found out dad was giving her the bottle when mom had told me, no more bottles period. There is some miscommunication between dad, mom and me and that leaves me with feeling like I have to take the lead somewhere or at least keep the dialogue open. I will definitely do some damage control. Regarding maternity leave, they have already been through one other maternity leave with me (I have three kids under 3.5 years old) so if they term then I will clearly know it wasn't the maternity leave but the other issues that made the decision.

[nannyde]

black, thanks for your thoughts as well. we posted at the same time. I am not trying to say that she needs all of these things mastered. Obviously kids develop at a certain rate and this is my attempt to make sure they know what is going on here and what we are still working on. I never meant to imply that they HAVE to do such and such at home but wanted to let them know what we are doing here (such as encouraging self feeding. I would think it normal for a 2.5 year old to use a spoon) It does seem easier just to do whatever I need to here and leave parents out of the loop, which is more and more of what I am getting towards, but I just hate to have to be that way. Daycare ****s some times.

Cheer
Kids don't have to do the same thing at home that they do in day care. It's okay for them to be on different paths at home.

I think you have a deal where she is on binky all the time at home. She's probably ****ing and self soothing with the binky and loveys constantly. She's most likely using these as an escalator and a base for her behavior. She most likely isn't talking that much because she has a paci in her mouth 24/7 when she's not with you. If you have her off of it at your house except nap they are happy that her mouth gets a break from it on your clock. Doesn't mean they don't plug her the second they get her until the second you get her back.

They are most likely spoon feeding her and hand feeding her little bits all day long because she can't **** binky and hold lovey/blanket and sit at the table and eat a meal. So they are getting in bites all day long with their hand feeding thinking getting SOMETHING in her is better than nothing at all. They are likely giving her bottles still too because she's gone all day with so little.

So you putting her in a chair to JUST EAT isn't what she wants. She wants the stimulation... ****ing...security ALL the time and she doesn't get that in a chair at the table. She wants the "oh baby please take a bite for Mommy" with every bite.

You can't stop them from doing this. Even with you telling them it is causing delays they will not choose your words or evaluation over her crying TODAY for what she wants.

You think they are babying her... I think they are doing WHATEVER it takes so she doesn't cry. SHE wants baby cuz baby gives her the most stimulation and the most adult. She is choosing baby for the standard of what she will cry over and not cry over.

If they are parenting her based on her not crying there is NOTHING you can say to them that will get them to parent today... tomorrow... next week WITH the kid crying. They will switch day cares long before they will allow her to be unhappy on their clock. Until her doing baby affects their bottom line they are going to do baby. Now their bottom line is "we don't want her to cry".

That's a mountain I won't climb. It's a looser.

IMHO it's just best to do what YOU do and see how she functions in your group. If something they are doing is directly affecting you or the kids then YES feel free to put the stop to that. If they are sending "baby food" stuff for her that has to be hand fed by you... then THAT needs to be discussed. That affects you. If they are sending her only in undies and she still needs a diaper then THAT affects you.

[Cat Herder]

In the future I'd like to recommend using simple form and handing those out occasionally to all parents. It helps to stop the confrontation if no-one is singled out.

This site is wonderful!! It has free forms to assess all ages to kind of guide the parents into understanding child development for themselves without feeling attacked.

Unfortunately, no matter how tactful we are it will not be possible to never offend or hurt someones feelings. We can try, though....


https://www.supportingproviders.com/...areforms6.html Scroll down to ratings

Good luck, Hun. I feel it is possible that you have built such a strong personal foundation with this family that she may simply just want to talk to you about her concerns as well...

I have had parents I could tell that their child made me want to claw my eyeballs out and have them laugh with me knowing it was a joke over a particularly bad BM diaper day.

I have had some parents who freak out when they ask "How was ***'s tantrums" and get the answer of "A little better, we still have some work ahead of us, but I can see improvement."

[cheerfuldom]

I am enjoying reading your responses and am glad that I have a slow day here to get plenty of thoughts on it. The baby thing makes a lot of sense but like I said, they go back and forth on what they are telling me they want to do and begin doing (like potty training) and then go back on it (by sending numerous loveys to daycare). They will initiate or get on board with something and then not say anything but obviously be backing off. This is why I have put up with the paci until absolutely necessary, the spoon feeding until I HAVE to say something, etc, etc. So I guess I am left with the typical two choices, put up with it or find someone else. I really really don't want to find someone else because these people are WAY better than some previous families. I mean I had utter nightmares so for me, this family is so refreshing even with all the baby issues.

[Cat Herder]

IMHO it's just best to do what YOU do and see how she functions in your group. If something they are doing is directly affecting you or the kids then YES feel free to put the stop to that. If they are sending "baby food" stuff for her that has to be hand fed by you... then THAT needs to be discussed. That affects you. If they are sending her only in undies and she still needs a diaper then THAT affects you.

This is sooooo true!!!! I really don't even ask about what they do at home unless it is something to do with violent outbursts, food allergies, or things that directly effect my ability to care for them.

Thats why I provide everything but diapers and formula. REALLY.

I even provide the outdoor play clothes that I launder myself because I gave up fighting losing battles years ago.

I am a "Drop off and forget about your worries" kind of provider..... They come back to the door freshly dressed, sparkly clean and sweet smelling each day......

"Kept putting my hand in that dog pen day after day.....it only took a few hard bites to stop me from doing it....." YKWIM? ::::::

[nannyde]

I am enjoying reading your responses and am glad that I have a slow day here to get plenty of thoughts on it. The baby thing makes a lot of sense but like I said, they go back and forth on what they are telling me they want to do and begin doing (like potty training) and then go back on it (by sending numerous loveys to daycare). They will initiate or get on board with something and then not say anything but obviously be backing off. This is why I have put up with the paci until absolutely necessary, the spoon feeding until I HAVE to say something, etc, etc. So I guess I am left with the typical two choices, put up with it or find someone else. I really really don't want to find someone else because these people are WAY better than some previous families. I mean I had utter nightmares so for me, this family is so refreshing even with all the baby issues.

I think you are misreading their intent. Possibly

You think they are going back and forth on things because they can't stick with it. I think they can't stick with it because the kid says no. The kid cries if they do it and they don't want that.

Saying... we are going to do this or that is a heckuvalot easier than just doing it especially if you don't want the kid to fuss about it. It means exacting a no and paying the consequence of the kids unhappiness.

Girl... they may go all the way to adulthood with her and just parent based on what the kid wants. Every hear of parents who give their teen their THIRD car after the kid crashed the first and second while texting or being under the influence.

Those parents give the third car because the price they pay for saying "no car" means listening to the kid crying, begging, pleading, and promising to do right. As soon as the kid gets the third car the crying stops and all is well until they crash that one. Then the cycle begins again.

They are CYCLING thru the crying and fussing and you are seeing it as them going back on their word. They are bringing all the loveys because they can't leave them at home without hearing the kid cry. It is easier to give the third car or bring the hefty bag of loveys than it is to listen to the begging, crying, and tantruming.

See?

[cheerfuldom]

yes I see what you are saying but to me, we (nanny and I, not me and the parents) are saying the same thing. I know why they are not sticking to the original plans. It is very obvious in the way she is treated by her parents in my presence. But not sticking to things is not sticking to things, regardless of the reason. So that still leaves me with the same choices, kwim?

[MissAnn]

I think I would have chose my battles and kept it to one or two things. I have a daughter who had several "issues" and it was difficult to get notes from the teacher about ONE thing....I can't imagine getting a note with so many issues. Maybe talking to her in person a little at a time might have been better.

[MissAnn]

I also wouldn't really bring up what the other kids are doing, nobody wants their kid compared to other kids.

Not to mention, a privacy issue

[cheerfuldom]

Not to mention, a privacy issue

ALL of the parents are aware of my policy that each child sits at the table by 6 months old and we do family style meals. Mentioning that three other kids are at the table self feeding is common knowledge and hardly a privacy issue. One of my DC kids is special needs and I never mention her appointments, diagnosis, etc. Now THAT would be a privacy issue.

[Unregistered]

I wrote this email several days ago to one of my DC parents. It does seem a bit informal but this child has been here for over 18months if I remember right and her parents and I are on very good terms. The kids are invited to each other's birthday parties and they even came to our housewarming party. In general, no major issues or complaints. Their child is adopted and a singleton so a bit spoiled at home. They really really wanted a baby and got a 9month to adopt and I think they are reluctant to let her grow up thus the following issues. The previous issues have all revolved around "baby stuff". Dad sneaking her the bottle when mom and I weaned her, not wanting to start potty training even though she was stripping down here and having accidents, letting the paci get out of hand to where she was over 2 and crying ALL day for one/stealing from the other kids/digging thru diaper bags for one.

Here's the email:

Hey DCM, just wanted to touch base on a few things and get your thoughts.

On the positive side, A gets along quite well with the other children and
especially the babies. I haven't had a moments trouble with her and the two
youngest. She loves to offer toys, start the music and lights on the bouncers
and generally fuss over them like a mother hen. She loves to play outdoors and I know she is looking forward to the nicer weather. She takes instructions very well and there is very little crying or drama from her. The last few days she has really gotten the hang of clean up time and is a much appreciated help to me. A great kid!

Some things I would like to work on and get your thoughts on.....

She still isn't talking that much. I know she can talk but she doesn't readily
choose to use her words. At 2.5 years old, I think we all need to give her that extra push to began talking more regularly. She loves to babble and make noise in general but I would love to see her progress with conversations. I have recently been making an special effort to require her to use her words even though I know what she wants. For instance, she will hand me the baby doll and its little diaper. I know she wants help to dress the doll but I make a point to prompt her to say "help please" instead of automatically doing what I know she would like me to do. This is the first I have come up with this issue since the rest of the kids here have been the opposite, just complete chatterboxes. If you have any further ideas to encourage her speaking, this would be great!


Food has become a bit of an issue. Something I would like to address with you but nothing to be majorly concerned about, if that makes sense. She has always been a bit stubborn at meal times and (dad) made a comment recently that that really hadn't changed much at home. For now, she does eat everything you send but only if I spoon feed her or prompt her every few bites to keep eating. I have let her spoon feed herself the last few days. She made a huge mess and I can't tell if she really doesn't have the skills yet to feed herself or if she just doesn't care to do it correctly or what. At this point, (the two 20 month olds) are surpassing her in this skill and even (6 month old baby) is spoon feeding now. I don't say this to make you feel bad whatsoever, only to point out that feeding herself is a very important skill at daycare and all the more important now that the babies need that attention that comes with spoon feeding. I would like to get your thoughts regarding what we can do to encourage her to master this skill. Beginning maternity leave, I will need her to be able to sit down at lunch time and feed herself. Either she will need to learn how to handle applesauce and other soupy items that you send or she will need alternative food that she can handle (like a cut up sandwich, small pieces of fruit and other finger foods). I know that it has previously been easier for me to just feed her myself rather than clean up the mess or drag out meal time for an hour waiting on her but we have come to a crossroads where neither of those options will continue to work. I will have to devote some time working with the babies as they start solids and
will have the addition of one more child to care for as well. Besides that, it
really is in her best interest to feed herself like a big girl. Again, this is
something we will be working on here at daycare and as always, all of us working as a team will be to her benefit.


Potty training is progressing slowly but surely. I feel she is nearly day
trained except for naps. I am going to make a renewed effort to put her in her big girl panties and reserve the pull ups for naps only. She probably will have a few accidents but it is important that we keep making steps in the right direction. She is getting better at telling me when she has to go and normally I will take her every 45 minutes to an hour whether she asks or not (it was previously every 30 minutes). She does struggle to pull her bottoms up and down and we are working on that so in the future, she can go to the bathroom all by herself. Please make sure to send two complete outfit changes in her bag each day. I feel bad to send her home in clothing that is not her own but the alternative would be to send her home unclothed.....not a good option either!


Also, let me know when you are ready to be rid of the paci completely. It has
been a long time since she got it here at all except for naps. She doesn't get
her puppy and blanket at naps either and I keep forgetting to tell you that you don't have to bring those anymore unless you still want to. She never asks for them during the day and its easier for me to leave them in the bag so I don't forget to send them home. She seems fine with any blanket here so I always make sure to have one in the pack n play for her.


Is she in a big girl bed at home? There is a twin bed for daycare use downstairs in the extra room that will be hers to use whenever you think she is ready. I haven't talked to you in so long about this and I have no idea if she is in a toddler bed at home. I am in no hurry to transition her here since she is perfectly fine in a pack n play but eventually, she will outgrow that of course.


As always, feel free to let me know of anything you are needing from me. I am happy that I feel we can communicate well and work as a team for A's care. I really appreciate you being so approachable and understanding and again, thank you for trusting me with her.


**After not responding for several days, she asks if we can sit down and talk about it this evening. She also included no big girl panties and only one outfit change in her diaper bag where there is normally more clothing (not always) and definitely a few pairs of panties. She has also been sending her to daycare in a diaper, not even a pull up. Potty training has been going on for 6 months at least so I am confused on the diapers all of a sudden. I told her we could sit and chat provided she understood that we may be interupted or cut short entirely by the needs of the other kids. So.....I am sort of getting the feeling that she did not appreciate this email. Hoping for the best because this has been a good relationship so far but a bit worried.

I'm sorry to say this because I truly believe you sent this from a good place, but if that was my child, you would be losing them. People do NOT want to be told how to parent, and frankly, that's not our job. Our job is to care for the babies while they are here. Most people just want to drop their kids off, have them be safe and have fun, and pick them up. They don't want to hear what they are doing wrong. And to compare kids.... Oh, no no no.

[My Daycare]

I agree with most of what pp's are saying, but mainly, I think it would have offended me as a parent. I bolded some of the things that would have done so.

Please don't take it the wrong way. I may be nitpicking(sp) a bit, but I think that some of your comments were meant to be a joke, but came off as a threat.

Also, this may just be a pet peeve of mine, but whenever someone tells me I "need" to or we "need" to do something it bothers me.

I wrote this email several days ago to one of my DC parents. It does seem a bit informal but this child has been here for over 18months if I remember right and her parents and I are on very good terms. The kids are invited to each other's birthday parties and they even came to our housewarming party. In general, no major issues or complaints. Their child is adopted and a singleton so a bit spoiled at home. They really really wanted a baby and got a 9month to adopt and I think they are reluctant to let her grow up thus the following issues. The previous issues have all revolved around "baby stuff". Dad sneaking her the bottle when mom and I weaned her, not wanting to start potty training even though she was stripping down here and having accidents, letting the paci get out of hand to where she was over 2 and crying ALL day for one/stealing from the other kids/digging thru diaper bags for one.

Here's the email:

Hey DCM, just wanted to touch base on a few things and get your thoughts.

On the positive side, A gets along quite well with the other children and
especially the babies. I haven't had a moments trouble with her and the two
youngest. She loves to offer toys, start the music and lights on the bouncers
and generally fuss over them like a mother hen. She loves to play outdoors and I know she is looking forward to the nicer weather. She takes instructions very well and there is very little crying or drama from her. The last few days she has really gotten the hang of clean up time and is a much appreciated help to me. A great kid!

Some things I would like to work on and get your thoughts on.....

She still isn't talking that much. I know she can talk but she doesn't readily
choose to use her words. At 2.5 years old, I think we all need to give her that extra push to began talking more regularly. She loves to babble and make noise in general but I would love to see her progress with conversations. I have recently been making an special effort to require her to use her words even though I know what she wants. For instance, she will hand me the baby doll and its little diaper. I know she wants help to dress the doll but I make a point to prompt her to say "help please" instead of automatically doing what I know she would like me to do. This is the first I have come up with this issue since the rest of the kids here have been the opposite, just complete chatterboxes. If you have any further ideas to encourage her speaking, this would be great!


Food has become a bit of an issue. Something I would like to address with you but nothing to be majorly concerned about, if that makes sense. She has always been a bit stubborn at meal times and (dad) made a comment recently that that really hadn't changed much at home. For now, she does eat everything you send but only if I spoon feed her or prompt her every few bites to keep eating. I have let her spoon feed herself the last few days. She made a huge mess and I can't tell if she really doesn't have the skills yet to feed herself or if she just doesn't care to do it correctly or what. [B]At this point, (the two 20 month olds) are surpassing her in this skill and even (6 month old baby) is spoon feeding now. I don't say this to make you feel bad whatsoever, only to point out that feeding herself is a very important skill at daycare and all the more important now that the babies need that attention that comes with spoon feeding.[/B] I would like to get your thoughts regarding what we can do to encourage her to master this skill. Beginning maternity leave, I will need her to be able to sit down at lunch time and feed herself. Either she will need to learn how to handle applesauce and other soupy items that you send or she will need alternative food that she can handle (like a cut up sandwich, small pieces of fruit and other finger foods). I know that it has previously been easier for me to just feed her myself rather than clean up the mess or drag out meal time for an hour waiting on her but we have come to a crossroads where neither of those options will continue to work. I will have to devote some time working with the babies as they start solids and
will have the addition of one more child to care for as well. Besides that, it
really is in her best interest to feed herself like a big girl. Again, this is
something we will be working on here at daycare and as always, all of us working as a team will be to her benefit.


Potty training is progressing slowly but surely. I feel she is nearly day
trained except for naps. I am going to make a renewed effort to put her in her big girl panties and reserve the pull ups for naps only. She probably will have a few accidents but it is important that we keep making steps in the right direction. She is getting better at telling me when she has to go and normally I will take her every 45 minutes to an hour whether she asks or not (it was previously every 30 minutes). She does struggle to pull her bottoms up and down and we are working on that so in the future, she can go to the bathroom all by herself. Please make sure to send two complete outfit changes in her bag each day. I feel bad to send her home in clothing that is not her own but the alternative would be to send her home unclothed.....not a good option either!


Also, let me know when you are ready to be rid of the paci completely. It has
been a long time since she got it here at all except for naps. She doesn't get
her puppy and blanket at naps either and I keep forgetting to tell you that you don't have to bring those anymore unless you still want to. She never asks for them during the day and its easier for me to leave them in the bag so I don't forget to send them home. She seems fine with any blanket here so I always make sure to have one in the pack n play for her.


Is she in a big girl bed at home? There is a twin bed for daycare use downstairs in the extra room that will be hers to use whenever you think she is ready. I haven't talked to you in so long about this and I have no idea if she is in a toddler bed at home. I am in no hurry to transition her here since she is perfectly fine in a pack n play but eventually, she will outgrow that of course.


As always, feel free to let me know of anything you are needing from me. I am happy that I feel we can communicate well and work as a team for A's care. I really appreciate you being so approachable and understanding and again, thank you for trusting me with her.


**After not responding for several days, she asks if we can sit down and talk about it this evening. She also included no big girl panties and only one outfit change in her diaper bag where there is normally more clothing (not always) and definitely a few pairs of panties. She has also been sending her to daycare in a diaper, not even a pull up. Potty training has been going on for 6 months at least so I am confused on the diapers all of a sudden. I told her we could sit and chat provided she understood that we may be interupted or cut short entirely by the needs of the other kids. So.....I am sort of getting the feeling that she did not appreciate this email. Hoping for the best because this has been a good relationship so far but a bit worried.

[Unregistered]

ALL of the parents are aware of my policy that each child sits at the table by 6 months old and we do family style meals.

That's a bit of a big expectation. I watch an almost 9 month old that doesn't sit up yet. Should I not feed her?