Swearing?

[Hunni Bee]

I have a 3 year old who swears all day long. Not like compulsively, but if he cant get his way...if he cant have a toy someone else is using, or if its time to clean up and he doesnt want to stop playing. He makes these high-pitched shrieking noises...then he starts to curse "m***erf****er" and "stupid b***h" are his current faves.

Nothing we are doing is getting him to stop. When he does it, me or my assistant immediately remove him from the other children. But he continues to say the words. He is starting to spend most of his day by himself...I know thats not good either, but I am sooo afraid my other children will start saying these words and even take them home. I've told his mother, and she says she's working with him, but she's the one he's getting the words from!!

He doesn't talk well either - he actually needs speech. His words are garbled and he doesn't speak in complete logical sentences...he just repeats the same 3 or 4 words over and over in random order. But he says these bad words perfectly...

[Michael]

wow, at three no less.

Some other threads that may help: https://www.daycare.com/forum/tags.php?tag=curse+words

https://www.daycare.com/forum/tags.php?tag=swearing

[MG&Lsmom]

I'm having a similar issue. A 2 year old who drops f bombs at lunch whenever it's something other than string cheese and bananas...so like every day.

At 3 this child should be beginning to understand when you tell him no or to stop using the word. I'd push the speech issue since it's possible he really does not comprehend what you are telling him when he does this or what is really the reason for being removed from the group. Or it could be his way to get out of doing that something he's not wanting to do.

[nannyde]

I just did a consult with a Center on this issue.

The first step is to tell the Mom that this will threaten his slot in the day care. We can't have young children saying these words around other young children. If they choose to cuss around him and most likely laugh and encourage him when he does do it then there is a societal consequence for HER. The consequence is that he is not able to be in OUR public setting. She may find somewhere where they cuss around small kids and love the young kids cussing but that's not here.

I wouldn't get into whether it's right or wrong or where he learned it. That really doesn't matter in curing it. If you focus on that she is doing it around him then the day you say he can't come she will state she stopped but his Dad, Uncles, cousins, etc. are doing it and it's beyond her control. Don't go there because she will just say words that turn it to a different direction.

The only technique I know to use when kids repeatedly say things they shouldn't is to attach it to another phrase and say it every time he says it. Say it with on your face and say the exact same phrase every time.

He says "mother effer" you say "muffin sprinkles... I luuuuuv me some muffin sprinkles." Smile and shake your head yes... So you give him a word and at least two happy non verbal ques at the same time.

If he says "stupid btch" you say "silly wicket... Little boys are such silly wickets"... smile... head nod... with an sing song voice. Make him think you actually HEARD him say "silly wicket" instead of "stupid btch".

Whatever silly cover word phrases you use... use at times when he is not acting out so he sees these are words you use.

After you GIVE him something silly to say with the nonverbal ... then TURN YOUR BACK away from him and walk away.

Once you are into the second week of doing it then remove the smiling non verbal and just say the cover word you have been using ... and turn to walk away. You have to wean him off the "silly" behavior YOU do to correct it.


Don't send him away... don't get a concerned faced or shocked non verbal. Just give him what you WANT him to say and leave it. Have EVERYONE say the same silly words for the same dirty words... Get a plan for his top ten cuss words and everybody learn the new phrase and practice how you say it.

It takes a few weeks or so but pretty soon the attention he's used to for saying it ... the positive from home and the negative from you... will be gone.

Switch the words then slowly wean him off of the attention you give him for the new cover words.

I've never had kids that cuss like that but I have had kids that say all kinds of poopy and butt words. This technique works great for them but it takes a bit of time. About a month.

[SilverSabre25]

The lack of speech is a red flag to me; I think this little boy probably has more going on. He should be evaluated. At three I believe evaluation will be through his local school district.

Punishing him is probably not working--he probably honestly can not comprehend why he's being isolated. He's not verbal enough to understand that. He *needs* an evaluation.

[daysofelijah]

I'd insist on an evaluation to allow him to stay. I wonder if he has some sort of emotional/behavior disorder? Maybe even something like tourette's? Can he control what he's saying, is it obviously on purpose when he is swearing?

I'm surprised other parents haven't been complaining. I had a 3 year old saying dammit all the time and other parents started to complain that their child was starting to say it too. In that case talking to the parent, talking with the boy, and time outs worked to stop the behavior pretty quickly.

[dEHmom]

my only issue with what nannyde suggested is this


they are still swearing, they are just using a different word for it. It's a lot like Hell and heck. It still means the same thing.

I can see with a big Nono word like Fu** maybe correcting it to be fiddlesticks or something a lot less vulgar, and a lot more kid friendly. Personally fiddlesticks is much more fun to say anyways

I just think you need to be VERY VERY careful which cover words you are going to use. I think it would be much more appropriate to ignore the word all together, and instead of using the cover word, use a cover phrase that has nothing to do with the word itself. Sort of more so a redirection. He says the F word, you say fudge, should we make some fudge? Basically same concept, but it's not giving him an alternative word to use in the place of a vulgar word. KWIM?

[nannyde]

my only issue with what nannyde suggested is this


they are still swearing, they are just using a different word for it. It's a lot like Hell and heck. It still means the same thing.

I can see with a big Nono word like Fu** maybe correcting it to be fiddlesticks or something a lot less vulgar, and a lot more kid friendly. Personally fiddlesticks is much more fun to say anyways

I just think you need to be VERY VERY careful which cover words you are going to use. I think it would be much more appropriate to ignore the word all together, and instead of using the cover word, use a cover phrase that has nothing to do with the word itself. Sort of more so a redirection. He says the F word, you say fudge, should we make some fudge? Basically same concept, but it's not giving him an alternative word to use in the place of a vulgar word. KWIM?

The idea isn't to get the kid to say "muffin sprinkles". The idea is to send the message that YOU are hearing muffin sprinkles. I am not encouraging you to get the kid to say another phrase. He doesn't have to say anything. The idea is for the adult to send the message that they heard "silly phrase" instead of nasty phrase.

This takes the power out of the words he uses it and transfers it to words you use. I pick silly phrases so that there is no way they can be construed as substitue curse words for him. I wouldn't have them say "duck" instead of the f word.

This technique is done in litterally SECONDS and then you move on. Take the wight off of the words... say something silly instead... turn back... walk away.

I don't believe in punishing kids for this in any way because they can't possibly understand stupid btch. They can understand a word like butt so with those words you can do direct substitutions... like touche or rear end.

With foul cuss words... no substitutes... like fricken for effen.... just a silly word translation to your brain.... and then off you go to the next thing.

It's a way to redirect the energy into something silly and age appropriate and NOT punish the kid. It's not really fair to punish a kid for something that is probably very valued in his home.

[dEHmom]

The idea isn't to get the kid to say "muffin sprinkles". The idea is to send the message that YOU are hearing muffin sprinkles. I am not encouraging you to get the kid to say another phrase. He doesn't have to say anything. The idea is for the adult to send the message that they heard "silly phrase" instead of nasty phrase.

This takes the power out of the words he uses it and transfers it to words you use. I pick silly phrases so that there is no way they can be construed as substitue curse words for him. I wouldn't have them say "duck" instead of the f word.

This technique is done in litterally SECONDS and then you move on. Take the wight off of the words... say something silly instead... turn back... walk away.

I don't believe in punishing kids for this in any way because they can't possibly understand stupid btch. They can understand a word like butt so with those words you can do direct substitutions... like touche or rear end.

With foul cuss words... no substitutes... like fricken for effen.... just a silly word translation to your brain.... and then off you go to the next thing.

It's a way to redirect the energy into something silly and age appropriate and NOT punish the kid. It's not really fair to punish a kid for something that is probably very valued in his home.

OH OK! Sorry nanny, I'm not awake yet, and I read it as you're substituting the word for another word. I see it now that I reread it And I thought you were trying to get the kid to say the phrases.

OK...note to self, no posting or reading posts until i've had at least 5 cups of coffee.

[nannyde]

OH OK! Sorry nanny, I'm not awake yet, and I read it as you're substituting the word for another word. I see it now that I reread it And I thought you were trying to get the kid to say the phrases.

OK...note to self, no posting or reading posts until i've had at least 5 cups of coffee.

Nope that was on me. I should have explained it better.

See the matrix of this technique is a quick brain flicker to the kid. Something that costs very little... has fun around it... something that gets their brain to go AWAY from the dark side and to the light side.

[Michelle]

Nope that was on me. I should have explained it better.

See the matrix of this technique is a quick brain flicker to the kid. Something that costs very little... has fun around it... something that gets their brain to go AWAY from the dark side and to the light side.

wow, very good advise!!

[MN Day Mom]

The idea isn't to get the kid to say "muffin sprinkles". The idea is to send the message that YOU are hearing muffin sprinkles. I am not encouraging you to get the kid to say another phrase. He doesn't have to say anything. The idea is for the adult to send the message that they heard "silly phrase" instead of nasty phrase.

This takes the power out of the words he uses it and transfers it to words you use. I pick silly phrases so that there is no way they can be construed as substitue curse words for him. I wouldn't have them say "duck" instead of the f word.

This technique is done in litterally SECONDS and then you move on. Take the wight off of the words... say something silly instead... turn back... walk away.

I don't believe in punishing kids for this in any way because they can't possibly understand stupid btch. They can understand a word like butt so with those words you can do direct substitutions... like touche or rear end.

With foul cuss words... no substitutes... like fricken for effen.... just a silly word translation to your brain.... and then off you go to the next thing.

It's a way to redirect the energy into something silly and age appropriate and NOT punish the kid. It's not really fair to punish a kid for something that is probably very valued in his home.

I've done this very same things, many many times. It almost always works. In one situation it didn't work for me and maybe you have some advice. My situation was very much like the OP's situation, a child using vulgar language when they have communication issues. In my situation, the child did have communication/language struggles and when I would change things to act like I heard something else, that would frustrate the child further, not that he really wanted me to hear his cuss word, but because now he thought I wasn't hearing what he said, so I ended up frustrating an already language frustrated child even further. Any suggestions for a situation like this?

[nannyde]

I've done this very same things, many many times. It almost always works. In one situation it didn't work for me and maybe you have some advice. My situation was very much like the OP's situation, a child using vulgar language when they have communication issues. In my situation, the child did have communication/language struggles and when I would change things to act like I heard something else, that would frustrate the child further, not that he really wanted me to hear his cuss word, but because now he thought I wasn't hearing what he said, so I ended up frustrating an already language frustrated child even further. Any suggestions for a situation like this?

If he is using it as a term of engagement then tell him to start over. Take a deep breath and TALK to me.

You might be misreading him. He may be unhappy because he isn't getting the normal excited reaction he gets at home for cussing. Parents who feel it's okay for THEIR child to cuss usually do a dance where the kid says it... the parents say "don't say that little Johnny" but they are laughing or they are saying it in a "oh you shouldn't but it's sweet that you did" and you are SO naughty... wink wink.. body language and tone. So he's used to getting attention, words that say one thing, body language that says another. That's a trifecta of "get them to do it again and again and again".

So when he does it with you ... he expects you to give him all of what he has enjoyed at home for cussing. When you change the word and give him a quick nonverbal that's different from what he is expecting he doesn't want the quickness of it and the moving on of you walking away.

He could be frustrated because he doesn't get you got.

You can do the technique... walk away... and then a few minutes later say "oh did you want to TELL me something?" At the very moment it happens he needs to have a two ... three second... response and then BAM it's done. You can always go back and get him to start over a minute or two later. He just needs TIME in between the words and the engagement he really wants.

Timing is everything in this technique.

[Hunni Bee]

Just wanted to clear up something...the removing was not intended to punish him...and he's not sent to a corner by himself...me or my assistant take him into another room so he doesnt have an audience, and the other kids arent constantly hearing these words.

I know he doesn't understand what he's saying. He just knows its not good and it gets everyone to say "awwwww! ______ said a bad word!!!" and the adults to come pay attention to him. It NEVER gets him what he wants (the toy, more play time, etc.), but it does get him instant attention, so its advantageous for him to use them. Thats why I thought removing him might work, because it takes his audience away...if he says it, one of us immediately takes him by the hand and leads him away, without speaking, looking at him or engaging him. He's gone for a few minutes or until he stops tantruming, and then he's put back into play. There's no "talking-to" about the cursing, because he's heard it billions of times. It IS working, but I really would like to try something else....

...Im going to try Nan's way. But my fear is still, they other children WILL start saying these words. They already have at daycare, and I dread the phone call of "my child is calling his sister a "stupid b____ and he learned in your class"

[kidkair]

I think if what you are doing is working than you should continue with it. Switching may only make him think he's now got more power using the phrases. If you hear any of the other kids using the 'bad phrases' than do the exact same thing with them as you do with the little boy. If you are worried about it carrying to home let the parents know what is going on and how you are dealing with it. That gives them the knowledge as to what punishment their child witnesses and gives them the option to react in kind.