How Long Do You Give For Adjustments?

[gbcc]

So a couple of days ago I asked for advice on the autistic boy I have. I have desperately tried the suggestions, redirection, and praises. Things were better until yesterday when he was just doing whatever to seek attention. He ended up hitting himself in the privates and saying "Ah my nut$. That f@($in hurt." I moved him away from other children and asked the others to just ignore him and pretend he wasn't there. Thankfully the bus came shortly after.

Today. oh boy. A whole new child. Mom said they got home late and he was very tired so she was a bit worried. Well immediately he started throwing toys, jumping around kicking others etc. I asked him to come over by me to sit and play calmly. He took him a bit but he finally did and I led him back to the other children. Well shortly after he tell my son "I'm gonna kiss your weinie (sp?)" I stopped and remembered he has a disability and calmy asked him to come sit with me to wait for the bus. He said no. I asked again and got another No. So I walked over to grab his hand and lead him into another room. He began hitting, kicking, screaming and punching me. I carried him into the other room where he continues with the aggression. I had to wrestle him to the ground where he continued to try to hit me and screamed in my face and call me an A$$hole. Finally I was able to get him to stop.

I was fuming. I called mom to terminate. I told her all about what happened and I was ready to tell her when she broke down and began crying. She said how dibilitating this child was to life that she no longer had one, couldn't go out with friends, in public or even to work. She continued by saying he has no friends and he wont stop doing and saying weird things so that he can make friends and just sobbed. I felt aweful for her so I didn't end up terming. I truely feel more sorry for this child then I do irritated but I don't want him influencing the younger children just learning to talk either.

Oh please someone just give me some hope or strength. I hate to quit on this little boy and the family

[nannyde]

Whenever you give a term that is unexpected the parent goes into shock and bargaining. She had the right words to say to you to get this back to square one.

In the end, he needs his own adult. She has a child who is mentally ill and this is just one of MANY life situations where her life will have to end as she knows it to provide the medical, psychological, and physical care he will need.

As sorry as you feel for him you have to look at the big picture. By terming him he gets out of a situation he clearly can't handle. He shouldn't spend another day in your care. It's not good for him. He's not happy.

What about HIM? What about doing what's best for HIM today? Think about HIM and what HE needs.

[wdmmom]

Is he on any sort of medication? I would suggest to the mom that he be evaluated by a psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor and maybe up the dosage or consider another medication.

I know you feel bad but if he's going to talk like this around younger children, it might be a good idea to term anyway. The last thing you need is a parent coming in and hearing him yelling obscenities! The way I see it is either you term him or a parent will term you.

[cheerfuldom]

Term him. You aren't set up to take a special needs child and you didn't mention that you had the training or experience for him either. You aren't the right place or the right caregiver and you and the other kids will continue to suffer. Nothing is going to change. As hard as it is, this mom needs to continue working on services and schooling that he needs. Its HER job, not yours.

[youretooloud]

I'd give him one more day. Then terminate.... here's why.

When my daughters were very little, I was VERY cautious of what they saw, heard, and watched. I protected their innocence as much as I could. I would not have had them in a place with a child with those problems.

I had an autistic boy when they were little, I had several kids with disabilities, and they were exposed to disabilities. But, no matter what problems this beautiful little boy has, I wouldn't expose my small children to cussing, or violence. So, if I were a parent in your group, i'd probably give it a week or two, then pull my kids and put them somewhere else.

It's not fair to the other kids to see that or be exposed to that when it's not how they live, and it's not fair to you to lose income just to help him save himself.

Mom IS stressed out, this is SO hard for her. But, I can promise you, if she found a situation that fit her needs better, she'd leave you in the blink of an eye, and maybe she'd feel a little bad, but it wouldn't stop her.

You need to consider your whole program, and your family.

[gbcc]

It's not fair to the other kids to see that or be exposed to that when it's not how they live, and it's not fair to you to lose income just to help him save himself.

You need to consider your whole program, and your family.

That is the reason I am considering terming. One child who is 8 years old even looked at me today and said "he needs to go like yesterday"

Is he on any sort of medication? I would suggest to the mom that he be evaluated by a psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor and maybe up the dosage or consider another medication.

No apparently the school is on her case about it and she refuses. She doesn't believe in medication. He is in a special needs class with 4 children, an aid and the teacher. The teacher has suggested medications as well.

I know mom must really be suffering. Having to learn and accept a child with severe disabilities can be heartbreaking. Many parents even need to go through a grieving stage to grieve the loss of the "normal" child they dreamed of. I did counseling for so many years and never dreamed of how hard these families really had it. My heart just breaks for them all. I'm glad to know that by wanting to term I'm not being selfish. I am more worried about my other children and loss of income.

[PeanutsGalore]

She refuses medication and expects YOU to deal with the outcome of her irresponsibility?

You HAVE to term. You can't make it easy for her to do this to her son. He needs to have the best chance in life to become a functioning member of society, and he might need medication to do that. Sounds like it to me. If she's not willing or able to stay home with her son full time and home school him and take care of him all day and night, then can't dump that responsibility on a stranger and try to guilt you into keeping him because she needs some relief. She might get relief if she medicates him. Her SON might get relief if he's on medication...sheesh. Shame on her. And that would turn into a shame on you too, if you continue to help this mother do the wrong thing.

[Unregistered]

I have lots of experience with Autism and no medication (known as of yet) will magically solve their behavior issues.

First, only take on what you can appropriately handle. You need to keep the other kids safe and well cared for.

Second, can you charge more for special needs (sometimes families can qualify under special county programs) and then hire someone to help out 1 on 1 with this little boy? In our area if you can document what specific help you need you can charge more and/or qualify for help for this child.

Finally, most often this behavior is not intentional. If you can't handle your emotions when this kid acts out you need to get out of this situation before you do something terrible. It is not this kids fault so unless you can step out of the situation and look at the behaviors objectively as a means to expressing something they need (NOT WANT) you shouldn't be caring for this child.

And please don't toy with the mom, she has likely already faced so much with this child that you need to mean what you say and either term or figure out how to safely and fairly care for this child.

[daycare]

I allow for a two week trail period where NO one is under commitment, parent/provider.

During the two weeks, I look to see if this is a child/family that will fit in and is able to adapt to our program/rules. If I think that it is more than I can take on, then I will cancel the contract at the end of the two week trail. If I feel the need to extend the trial period, I will talk to the parents and have them resign a new agreement and explain why.

Even though the child/ren are not usually fully adjusted by the two weeks, I still allow for them an entire month before they are expected to adjust to everything. Again, I try to play it by ear and will go on a case by case basis.

So far I have been really lucky, where I only had to ask one family to cancel the contract after the two weeks, the child was just tooooooo much for me and the group.

[nannyde]

That is the reason I am considering terming. One child who is 8 years old even looked at me today and said "he needs to go like yesterday"



No apparently the school is on her case about it and she refuses. She doesn't believe in medication. He is in a special needs class with 4 children, an aid and the teacher. The teacher has suggested medications as well.

I know mom must really be suffering. Having to learn and accept a child with severe disabilities can be heartbreaking. Many parents even need to go through a grieving stage to grieve the loss of the "normal" child they dreamed of. I did counseling for so many years and never dreamed of how hard these families really had it. My heart just breaks for them all. I'm glad to know that by wanting to term I'm not being selfish. I am more worried about my other children and loss of income.

It's okay for her to not believe in medication. I get that.

What's not okay is she is sending him to care where the adult doesn't have the skill set to manage him. That's not okay.

She may be grieving but he needs the right care NOW... right now. Today. Not in the future... now. It's her job as a parent to KNOW when her child is unhappy and not thriving.

Friend... listen to me.

You can't have a kid in your care that you have to restrain. You could loose EVERYTHING over a mistake in that. You could loose your freedom... your ability to care for kids... and if you have your own kids.. you could loose them.

None of us are able to perfectly restrain a kid. At his age there isn't any equipment available to restrain him. You could make a mistake and bruise him or harm him with NO bad intention at all. If ANYTHING happens to him you have to PROVE that you were doing everything in your power to protect him from harm. That's just WORDS to the ones who decide if you have or haven't. A bruise is a picture that will stay with you forever.

It's too risky.

He needs to be with people who have been trained to restrain (something like MAT training) and have a group of eye witnesses who are trained to assist and DOCUMENT every step of it with the proper documentation. He needs a safe area where they can put him to calm down that doesn't have anything in the enviornment that can hurt him.

When I was a school nurse from 90-93 I shared an office with the behavioral specialist at the school. In those days they had BD classes that were weighted... meaning the school received funding at either 3.4 X that of a regular ed kid or 1.7 X a regular kid. The 3.4 weighted kids had two adults for eight kids.

We all had to be trained to take kids down to the ground. Many times the kid left in cuffs with the police. I'm talking kids as young as six or seven. It was UNDERSTOOD in those days that this was an act of last resort but it COULD be done. It was UNDERSTOOD that even with excellent technique the kid could get hurt in the process.

There's NO understanding of that with young kids now and with current parenting we are getting more and more RAGE kids at younger and younger ages. The ONLY way that childhood RAGE is going to be addressed is if person after person REFUSES to put themselves on the block for dealing with the rage.

It's not worth your career or your freedom to help this one kid. He has a Mom who sounds like she's very clear on what she won't do. She's the one who HAS to manage it... even if that means DAY BY DAY... minute by minute. He is HER responsibility. You do NOT have to keep a kid that qualifies under the disability act if he is violent. The ADA is VERY VERY clear about that.

We do NOT have to be in the business of caring for violent kids.... at whatever young age they present the violence. Know when you are in over your head. It could save your future.

[godiva83]

Working with children with exceptionalities is very hard, takes a lot of patience, hard work, training, and creative thinking.
I am from Canada and have been trained in ABA/IBI training it is very important for this child to get the one on one help he needs to succeed. It is in HIS best interest. I would do some research and provide Mum with some numbers of professionals that she can goto for help and Medication is not always the answer to Autism- there are a ton of cognitive behavioral techniques that can do way more than any pill can. Children with autisim need to be taught different tactics in order to demonstrate
Their emotions,show their needs and express their wants. It does seem like he is higher functioning on the spectrum as he has speech...this is a good sign. However, I am with PP and would suggest alternate care for him or a one on one to come in.
Good Luck

[momatheart]

Very good advice has been given here. You can tell mom that you can not meet his needs. Effective immediately.

[Live and Learn]

Let's ask ourselves...."What is best for everyone?"

1) autistic dck needs provider who is fully trained to keep him safe and help him learn.

2) the autistic dck's mom needs to know that she is providing the very best care for her child and that he is safe.

3) your own children need to feel safe in their own home, not learn inappropriate language, not exposed to the negative drama.

4) your other dc kids need to feel safe, not be exposed to bad language, not exposed to the drama.

Imagine what the other dc parents would think/say if they knew you are allowing their child to be hit and taught the foul language.....By keeping the child in your care you are allowing the other children to be hit!!!
....so not cool!

In conclusion, the best thing for everyone is for this child to move on to a daycare facility where the providers are trained to deal with his type of behavior.

[daycare]

what she said.......100% agree.

[Michael]

Some more threads on adjustment periods: https://www.daycare.com/forum/tags.p...ustment+period